Missing Shiloh, And feeling really angry Options

[Kathleen032]

I’ve always been the kind of person who struggles with showing and sharing my emotions and so sometimes when I’m feeling down, missing Shiloh, I read through many of the posts and poems, I add my thoughts here and there and it usually helps me feel better. Lately, I feel like I’ve just been back sliding. I’m crying, I’m missing Shiloh like I did when she first died, but most of all, I think I’m angry. I think it’s the anger that I’ve not dealt with that is keeping me from moving forward in my healing. So, I think I just need to put my anger out there. Here goes…

I think what I’m most angry about is the fact that Shiloh was so young when she died. I feel like she was cut short in the prime of her life. It’s just not fair. I loved her so much. I treated her so well. We played and walked and ran and played some more. I fed her good food. I took her to the vet every year. I did everything a responsible person should do for their precious furbaby and in the end it wasn’t enough. Sometimes when I drive to work I see dogs that are tethered to dog houses…they’re outside in below freezing weather, I never see anyone petting them or playing with them. It makes me even angrier because those dogs are healthy, they’re cancer free and no one even cares. Why did the cancer have to happen to my baby…my best friend…my sweet little puppy love that I took such good care of. God, I just miss her so much. She and I were robbed of years together. I always thought that Shiloh and I would grow old together…she’d be taking rymadel for arthritis and I’d be taking ibuprofen for arthritis. When she was diagnosed last May with lymphoma I did so much research and even though I knew that chemo would probably just buy us some time, I still opted for it. I had to give her a chance…and even that was not enough. She came out of remission before she had finished the chemo cycle. Again, we were robbed…this time it was just months, but we were still robbed of that time. I wanted Shiloh to be around for one more Christmas, and if we were lucky, maybe one more summer vacation together, but no.
I’m rambling, so I’ll stop for now.

I’ve sobbed as I’ve written this, which is probably good. I know that each tear is a tear of healing. And it feels better to get this anger out. Thank you for reading.
Kathleen

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[terio]

Hi Kathleen,
It stinks doesn't it!! Dutchess is only 9... I got a Christmas card from my best friend who lives about an hour a way with a picture of her 14 year old healthy golden... I felt jealous or something... My vet told me that the oldest lab he had in his practice was 18... that was before Dutchess was diagnosed with the 2nd cancer..I started to dream that her life was only half over. He said he had a young lab in his practice that was only 2 who had to be put down with brain cancer complications. Life has no rhyme or reason and is never fair... but I hold onto the fact that this is a blip compared to eternal life. Hang in there and let the tears and anger out.
I'm mad that my vet and her office weren't very clear on the weekend instructions for me... and when I was asking the receptionists questions about her feeding/insulin she kept going back to check with the doctor... it was a game of "telephone" rather than the doctor speaking to me directly and either of them writing things down for me when I was so overwhelmed. They should know better. It was noon and they were closing early because of New Years Eve... AND I would have appreciated a follow up call sometime this weekend from the doctor after having my dog hospitalized several days there this week and the thousand dollars I spent.... Sending a dog home in very iffy condition and letting us fend for ourselves.
Of course we have the emergency clinic where we are to take her or call..but it's not the same. And she's increasing her food and I'm unclear about how much insulin... They should have some written handouts with general info at least.
I"M MAD TOO!!!
Terri (that felt good....now I can smile and take a breath!)

[j4lorn]

awww, Kathleen, (((hugs))). This is exactly how I was feeling a week or so ago when I posted my "Am I Mental?" thread about feeling so bitter that my Jake had to die. He wasn't as young as Shiloh, he was 11, almost 12, but I felt very bitter for a few weeks there, we have a 16 year old cattle dog who is ticking along fine... and I halfway resent it!!! Posting about the anger here helped alot, like it just let all the bitterness out of me, I really felt like I was going crazy. I think it's just another phase of the grieving process, the anger.

I still feel like the others have written here, very sad inside and not light-hearted at all, but alot of the bitter anger has dissipated - for now anyway. I just miss him with all my heart, he was such a good dog and quite a gentleman of a dog, so so sweet, and he loved me so much. I want him back.

I've felt really sad the past few days too, not so much because of Christmas but New Years got to me.. I've always wished I could just stop time to remain as close to the days he was alive, I've felt that since the moment he died, oh if we could just go back a little bit... so New Years cut like a knife this year.

Time marches on.

[BabyHannahsMom]

Dear Kathleen,
First, I don't think you're "backsliding." I used to think I was too, when I would be sort of okay for awhile, and then all of a sudden, I would become very sad or whatever emotion would come up. The whole grieving process really does not occur in "stages," as some people suggest. I have read many more articles that don't support that idea, and I personally do not believe it. I think we "address" different aspects of the loss as we become ready to deal with them. I can understand your anger, and it's very natural too. I feel somewhat "envious" sometimes when I see people with the animals they've had for a long, long time. It doesn't seem fair that people that don't take care of their animals still have them and nothing happens to them. Except, of course, the people probably wouldn't care anyway, so it is good for the animals that some of them seem to be able to thrive without much care.

Your post did make me realize how very lucky I was to have had Hannah for almost 16 years. I already knew that, but I suppose in some ways, I took that for granted, you know. I mean I really, really hoped she would live until she was 20! I went back and re-read some of your older posts because I couldn't remember how old Shiloh was, and now I know he was only five. That is so sad, so young, and I am so sorry you did not get to keep your best friend by your side for many, many more years. I am sure had I lost Hannah when she was younger, I would have felt exactly the same as you are feeling now. About the only words I know to say are that I really do believe things like that happen for a reason. I don't know if you find those words hollow right now, and well you might. If so, I certainly do apologize. Also, since you like the poems so much, I want to quote something on that idea here by an anonymous author: "Our animals shepherd us through certain eras of our lives. When we are ready to turn the corner and make it on our own . . . they let us go."

I also saw your post with the picture of Shiloh in the coat you bought him. That was so cute, so precious. I could see that he did "tolerate" it because you wanted him to wear it. How sweet.

I'm in the southern part of the U.S., and it's been really nice and warm here for about a week -- almost spring-like. That makes me really, really miss Hannah, and I felt that yearning in my heart for her today. My door was open with a light breeze blowing, and the sun was shining. We used to love those days, Hannah and I. She died on April 19, just as it was beginning to get warm here. I so very much wanted another summer with my girl. Spring and summer were my favorite times, especially since both my parents died in the winter (Dec. and Jan.). I have disliked winter so much ever since, and now I let my baby go in the spring and the summer followed that. That only leaves Autumn, and I don't like Autumn because Autumn goes into Winter, you know, and then the cold winds blow. (Ah! That reminds me of a couple of poems by Emily Dickinson. I'll have to find them and post them another day!)

Kathleen, I'll be thinking of you. You know Hannah's been gone going on 9 months! soon, and I still have really bad times some days. I had one last night because I had a couple of exchanges with some people I know, and the people upset me, and I just felt that there are so many mean people in this world. It just made me want to withdraw into my own little world -- but my world isn't the same because that world I wanted to go into was my world with my girl Hannah, where I had her to love and to always love me. But, all that having been said, it does get better. I know we'll always miss them and wish we could hold them and see them, but one day it won't hurt so very much. And then one day still, I believe we will all see each other again, and none of us will ever again hurt anymore.
Love,
Marcia

[Margie]

Kathleen,

It makes you mad not to have your furbaby with you, doesn't it? It's not fair. Whether Shiloh was 2 or 22, in a way it almost doesn't matter (though I know you're mad that Shiloh was taken so early). The pain of not having Shiloh still gnaws at you; it's just a matter of dealing with the unfairness of your baby being taken from you so early or the unfairness of your baby being taken from you before you could possibly be ready. It's unfair either way and no amount of time is enough. However long you had Shiloh, it's not enough. It just isn't -- not for you and Shiloh and not for anyone else and their babies.

As to the unfairness of Shiloh's being gone when other dogs are tethered outside in cold weather, not being loved and taken care of like you loved and took care of Shiloh, what can I say? It is, I'm sure, painful for you to see other dogs being negelected when you loved your Shiloh and now s/he's(?) gone and the other dogs aren't. It's not fair! It sucks! But you loved and took care of Shiloh for the time Shiloh was allotted. Regardless of the plight or longevity of other dogs, you took the best care of your Shiloh that possibly you could. You helped Shiloh live the best life that Shiloah could have had. Please be comforted by that knowlege.

I wish you peace. I hope you take comfort in the memories of your beloved Shiloh.

Regards,
Margie

[kimberlyheide]

"Our animals shepherd us through certain eras of our lives. When we are ready to turn the corner and make it on our own . . . they let us go."

What a true statement!!! Thank you for posting that!!!

[hegelsmom]

I totally understand your anger. Thank God for this website, and finding other
people who share the same feelings.
I feel robbed also. I lost my 11 year old cat to a bacteria!!! He was a pampered
indoor cat! I see cats roaming, covered in fleas, getting in fights. But my
poor baby had a weakened immuned system. Still, I do not know where the infection
that killed him came from. I too pictured my Hegel as a "senior citizen." We
had talked about building a second story on our house in about 5 years. I would
always tell my husband that our bedroom had to stay downstairs, because Hegel
would be older then, and wouldn't feel like climbing the stairs.
On Sunday December 4th, I was planning on taking my cat, and the whole family
to a local pet store to get pictures made with Santa. No clue that Hegel was
ill. That next evening, he wouldn't eat, and 17 days later he was gone.
I am angry also! I understand completely how you feel.
But, I loved him so much, I would have never been "ready." But I can also say
that when my 19 year old cat died 7 years ago, I handled it much better than this.
There wasn't that anger there, only the grief. Dealing with grief, guilt and anger
is a bitter lump indeed.

[Rusty's Mom]

Dear Kathleen,

I've been thinking of you and noticed you had not posted for awhile up until a day or so ago. I was going to send you a note then you ended up posting. It is not fair that your precious Shiloh was taken from you so young. I'd be mad too, seeing dogs who are not treated half as well as Shiloh and they seem to be surviving. Life is not fair and somethings just can't be explained. You and Shiloh seemed like the perfect team. That was a great picture, by the way with those big soulful doggie eyes.

I also feel that I'm regressing in this grieving process.........[and I must point out the fact that although Rusty was a rabbit and not a dog or cat like most animals who are written about here, I loved him like you'd love a dog or cat (and I've had cats and dogs and currently have a real great dog.)] Sorry if I am repeating myself but I want to be sure that everyone understands the love you can feel for a bunny. I do have 3 other bunnies and I feel badly saying this but I'm jealous when I feed them. I look at them and wonder why they're here and my Rusty is gone. (They don't live in the same part of our house that Rusty did so we don't see them or spend as much time with them as we did with Rusty. Rusty was my baby and I will NEVER have another rabbit, even when we lose the other 3.) One of our bunnies is a real sweet boy who is "special needs". He lost the use of his back legs and we have to bathe him and dry him with a blow dryer each night and apply baby cream, aloe, etc. so his skin will not be irritated. Thank goodness my husband is a real big help with our animals. He bathes Woody (special needs bunny) and if I don't make it for the blow-dry part, he or my son will do it.

The return to work today was awful. After I lost Rusty, I was able to work part days and take vacation time. Now, it's back to 40 hours a week with no vacation in sight for awhile I feel very angry this week and was not even very nice today to my boss......(and he's a nice guy.) Luckily, he's an animal lover and knows my pain. I am not nice to anyone lately, actually. I never laugh anymore and yell at my son and hubby for no reason. I hope I can change back to normal one of these days.

Kathleen, I am like you in that I usually don't show or share emotions that easily. Thanks goodness for LS, as it is so easy here to talk and hopefully, help others too. I'd be nuts if not for this website.

Sorry for the rambling.

Please know that I am thinking of you and hoping somehow you will feel better. Just know that you are not alone and never will be.

Love,

Lynn

[Steph]

Hi Kathleen,
Your Shiloh was a beauty.
I too dealt with a tremendous amount of anger. My dog had just turned 9 when she died, and had never had a sick day in her life before her sudden collapse (heart failure). A dog Luba's size could easily have reached age 13, 14 or even 15. It just ripped me up seeing her "dog buddies" frisking about, and her no longer there.

In terms of "regressing" it's all part of the healing process. I'm at the 7 month mark of Luba's collapse, in two days will be the 7 month anniversary. It does get easier, although I can't say that it goes away. I still miss her intensely. I don't think it will ever stop.

I'm glad you found us here.

[Romeo's_daddy]

Wow. I certainly can't answer the questions as to why, but I know that is a rational question to have. What I can say, or at least hope, is that you don't truly wish for another dog to die. You do not want those dog's chained up outside, neglected, to die. You want them to be loved and cared for the way you did with Shiloh. Owning an animal is a privelege, not a right. I strongly believe that those who don't care for their animals, should have them taken away and never be allowed to have one again. Those that beat their animals, should spend time in jail for aggravated assault or attempted murder. Those that kill, should spend their life in jail. I'm sure everyone on this site agrees with me in regard to cruelty to animals.

But why did Shiloh have to die? Why did Romeo or Bubba or Moose or Snookie or Zoey etc., etc., etc.? All we know is that we hurt when they are gone. Why did 150,000+ people die last week? Why was Jesus murdered (I'm Jewish, by the way)? Why are young children and elderly people and husbands and wives taken from their loved ones every minute of every day? As humans we always want to understand things and answer the question of why. I do not know if you believe in God but the only answer that makes sense and gives us any comfort is because God wanted it that way. I believe God can be compassionate and I believe God can be cruel. But most important, in the end I think we all find the answers to those questions when it is our time before our maker.

Please understand, I know I sound like some God freak or religous nut, but I don't pray, I don't preach to other people, and I don't try to impose my belief in God onto others. I only know that it is my belief in God that allows me to survive the tough times, the times when I'm at the end of my rope, the times when I don't understand why I must suffer when I know I am a good and kind person. The belief that in the next life I will be rewarded for being kind and good.

I wish I could answer your question. But ultimately if you really think about it, knowing why won't lessen your pain, it will only cause you to have more questions. Like the child who wants to know why the sky is blue. You can answer the question, but "why" can keep being asked to every answer you give.

[dietersmom]

Hi Kathleen,
It's just really hard some days, I know. Romeo's Daddy has some wise words there regarding the "whys" and I needed to hear those too, thank you.

It's perfectly normal to be angry, cheated if you will, of those years with Shiloh. Shiloh was your special baby and nothing will ever replace her or the emptiness. That is what gets me the most with Dieter, and I bet that it does you too. It's a huge void, never to be filled by anything again, and we just have to adapt to it, learn to keep living, and try our hardest to have joy. I can remember posting here about having no "joy" in my life anymore shortly into the grief process. I know I have, or think I have too many more days to live on this earth to have "no joy" and only I can decide how I'm going to attempt to go into each day.

Keep writing and let us know how you are doing, it is very helpful to just "get it out" . We are always here for you.
Libby

[Kathleen032]

Dear Terri, Yes, yes it does stink! I completely understand what you’re going through with Dutchess. I remember when Shiloh first started her chemo, I had the oncologist on speed dial. Fortunately for me, Shiloh’s oncologist was wonderful about returning calls. Either she or one of her vet techs would return my calls in less than 1-2 hours…even when I called on the 4th of July.

Dear j4lorn, I remember reading the thread that you mentioned. I didn’t respond to it, but I did get a sense of comfort from what others posted in response. And, I also found comfort in knowing that I wasn’t alone in feeling bitter about Shiloh’s death.

Dear Marcia, your words are never hollow, if anything, I always find such comfort in your words…whether you’re writing them to me or someone else.

Dear Margie, so true, whether Shiloh had been 2 or 20, I wouldn’t have been ready to let her go.

Dear Hegelsmom, you’ve been in my thoughts. I can understand your anger and that feeling of being robbed. I’m so sorry about sweet Hegel.

Dear Lynn, I’ve been thinking about you too. I remembered reading in one of your posts that you were having a hard time. Please email me anytime if you ever need a few words of encouragement. I’ve never owned a bunny, but I’ve taken care of several…I think they’re precious. I know you must miss Rusty so much. He was such a cutie and just as important as any dog or cat.

Dear Steph, it’s good to see you back on the boards. I remember a thread you started some time ago about your grieving process. I refer to it occasionally and use it as a gauge of sorts.

Dear Romeo’s Dad, I’m a biology teacher, so when I have to be scientific, I can. I did all the research…Shiloh was part Lab, and genetically Labs are prone to lymphoma. So, cognitively I can accept Shiloh’s death. Emotionally, I miss my baby with all my heart and soul, and I can’t accept her death. She’s gone and it doesn’t seem fair to me. I think anyone who is grieving asks, and should have the right to ask, why. Do I expect an answer? No.
Do I wish those neglected dogs ill? No. (by the way, I’m a sucker for animals…every animal I own…4 cats, 1 new dog, and a parakeet are all rescues) Do I think it’s unfair that my well cared for dog got sick? Yes. Do I know that in the scope of 150,000 people dying in the tsunami that Shiloh’s death is pretty insignificant? Yes, but I still miss her more than words can describe. Do I want to scream at the top of my lungs “WHY DID SHILOH HAVE TO GET CANCER?” Yes. I think its all part of the grieving process. That’s why I come to this website. I know that most of the people will listen compassionately and give words of encouragement and empathy. At this website I know that my loss is no greater or no less than anyone else’s. We’re all hurting, we're all grieving and we’re all healing…and we’re all helping each other heal.

Dear Libby, thanks for saying it’s perfectly normal to be angry...I needed to hear that.

Thank you all for your responses.
Love,
Kathleen

[Romeo's_daddy]

Kathleen,

I certainly hope you do not think that I was trying to measure Shiloh's death against those of 150,00 people. What happened with the tsunami was terrible, yet I have not shed any tears over it. Because I was not affected by it. But the death of my cat was significant to me, the same as Shiloh's is significant to you. I was only trying to point out that terrible things happen and sometimes the only things we are left with is the question of "why". Things happen to people who don't deserve it. Things happen to animals who don't deserve it. Animals who have given us unconditional love and brightened our lives when we've felt so low, asking for nothing in return. If you felt that I was trying to minimalize Shiloh's death please forgive me. That certainly was not my intent and that was never present in my thought process when I responded to your post.

[Pamela]

Kathleen,
I know...I went from anger to submission.......

[kimberlyheide]

I am not angry I am just very very sad....

[Ann H]

Kathleen honey just let it all out, it must have been real hard for you to post your feelings since you said you are given to hold them in. I have not been to the anger stage yet but I think if you don't let it out you will become ill. Whether it is tears of anger, or tears loss, or tear of joy, or from a love ripped from your arms each tear is good for healing.

My daughter just remarked to me today that it was so unfair for those of us who take good care of our babies for them to get sick and die while the uncared for ones sometimes live a long life. She went on to tell me that she doesn't want any of them to become sick and die but it was just so unfair. I knew what she meant without having to explain it.

You have been a wonderful comfort to me and to many others here. I understand that many go through the stages of anger and if we can't say how we feel here about death, sadness, longing, and even anger, then where can we say anything.

We all need comfort and support and tenderness for our bruised, broken and battered hearts. We have loved and been loved completely and have had our babies ripped from our arms, it has broken our souls, and all but destroyed our hearts and lives and we need time to heal. Words of love and of comfort and understanding to help each other to heal would pretty much would sum it up for our needs. Hugs
Love, Ann

[Kathleen032]

To Romeo's Dad - No apology necessary. I think you too kind a man to minimize Shiloh's death, or anyone else's death for that matter. I did, however, feel a bit chastised for asking why. As I said, cognitivaly, I understand Shiloh's death. In my heart, I will, for the time being, continue to ask why.
You made some very good points in your post and I appreciate them.

To Pamela - I know that submission and acceptance are coming, but it's hard getting there. You've always had such kind things to say about Shiloh...I appreciate that.

To Kimberly - I think with each loss we experience, we experience different emotions. Ten years ago I had to have my cat Dolly put down. She was a present on my 18th birthday. She was 16 when she died. She was such a wonderful companion and friend. When she died I experienced great sadness, but not the anger and overwhelming sadness I'm feeling now.

To Ann - You're such a kind, gentle friend. I so appreciate your words. When grieving, we need a place where we can just let it all hang out and not worry about anger, or sadness, or tears, or whatever. I'm so glad I have this website and the wonderful friends I've made here.
Love,
Kathleen

[kimberlyheide]

I felt anger when Tommy died because he was only 5. I also have a hard time dealing with the ones that have a short life span. It seems so unfair but it unfortunatly happens no matter how hard we try to keep them safe and healthy.

I feel a terrible void when they die. I am just now getting to the point where I am coming out of shock with Bubbas death and I miss him awfully bad. I always thought he would be around alot longer than 14 1/2 years. I really miss him.....

[Kathleen032]

Dear Kimberly-
I know you must feel an awful void with Bubba being gone and I know you must miss him terribly. After Dolly died I was very sad and experienced that void...she had been such an important part of my early adult life (16 years) that when she died I felt like part of my childhood died with her. With Shiloh, I feel that void too...and at the same time I feel so cheated because she didn't get grow old.

[kimberlyheide]

I understand that completly. Bubba has been with me thru 2 husbands and some really tough times. Now that things have straightened up in my life, he went to the rainbow bridge. Bubba was my source of comfort when times were hard. Sometimes when I just wanted to give up I always kept going for the sake of Bubba and the rest of my cats. It is a marker in my life and I feel such a void. I now look at Mort(Bubbas mom) and I know she isn't going to be with me to much longer because she is 16. I guess I have to accept death because it is a part of Being born and living.

I understand your anger because of a life cut short. I felt that with Tommy. You gave shiloh a wonderful life with lots of love. We never know how long they will be with us for. I am so sorry for your loss..

I am sorry for all of our losses and I am thankful for this forum.....