Beloved Yue Is Gone... Options

[Nina]

Hi, I've been referred to this forum by my friend sapphire luna. Here is Yue's story

She was 15, and living at my parent's house, but she was...''my'' cat. Even though over the last few years she had become the family's cat. She had never been sick, she was so sweet, even if she got nervous around most people.

Over the last 6 months, she became ill, vomiting, mainly. And then after a month she stopped eating, or barely ate and started losing weight. At first, my parents didn’t tell me, they thought it would pass...but it didn't. So they told me and I got involved. Over the next 5 months, we were going in and out of the vet. Feeding her with a seringue. Trying to find out what the hell she had, giving her different meds, ultrasound, X-rays and blood work two times. No real results....

Finally, three weeks ago, we started treating her for IBD. without having an actual diagnosis. All that time she had up and downs... losing weight, gaining some, then losing again. And I truly believed that I could get her back to health. Or at least, stabilize her so she could live at least two more good years. I was sure that when the time would come to put an end to her misery, I would know...She also became so much friendlier with people she used to fear, like my sister and her kids. She had become overly affectionate with my parents and brother. I thought it was a good thing.

Two weeks into her ibd treatment, she was doing very well, she gained weight, so we decided to postpone her vet appointment to next week. But all of a sudden, bam. My mother weighed her, on monday she was 6.8 lb, but then, two days later, she was down at 6.0 lbs. I was so crushed, I couldn't believe it. I was sure my mom made a mistake, it just couldn't be.

So my mom started measuring what she was actually eating and it wasn't that much. Even though she was still giving her seringues in the morning and at night with her meds, she started giving her more, like we always did when she was not eating. But then on Saturday, my mom told me on the phone that Yue went to eat by herself, but then vomited it all out… On Sunday....vomited everything my mom gave her. On Monday I had decided I would go to the nearest big town to buy raw food, reading that it was great for ibd cats. I was ready and enthusiastic to try this....Monday morning, I called my mom (my parents were supposed to go on a trip so I wanted news before they left) and she was pretty weird on the phone, she told me to come see her first if I was going to go buy Yue some new food in Montreal. So I said okay...but something was up. I had a feeling she left us or something. But I got that idea out of my head and thought: they just want to talk to me about euthanasia...which I was not ready for yet.

Then I got to my parents’ house. My dad and mom were waiting for me on the sofa and told me to sit down. And I wouldn't. And my dad looked up at me, and just told me...''This morning...'' My mom was already up on her feet hugging me. I just couldn't believe it. The night before she threw up again all the food she had in, and started having a hard time walking...At 10PM, she couldn't get up and was crying for my mom. She just knew it was time. My parents and my brother spent the night by her side and finally at 8:10 in the morning she passed away... My brother did try to get in touch with a vet in the morning so they could just end her suffering. But they were not available...

Now everything is so horrible...and pretty much everyone in my family, including my sister who have tried talking to me about ending it two times in those 6 months, knew that this was coming. The only person I would have listened to was actually my dad, but he didn't say anything...he was in pain too, he didn't want to see her leave. And everyone else were scared to talk to me about ending it because they didn't want to hurt me. The worst is, I actually fuelled my hope to my mom, who at that point, treated Yue as her baby.

Sorry for the long story, but it feels good to talk about it. Thankfully I am surrounded by great friends and my family seem to be stronger. My brother had already made peace with this way before she actually left us, as did my dad. My mom though...She was still crying this morning when I called her to tell her I loved her. And I feel guilty because I know I caused that pain somehow. Even though I did everything I could to make her healthy again. At best we bought her a few months like my dad said and he told me I shouldn't feel shame at all. But I just can't shake it.

Thanks a lot for this.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Nina, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Yue. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

Nina, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is one of the many reasons it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure.

One of the many emotions we all experience particularly during the deep grief is guilt / remorse / regret, and it is one of the harder emotions to reconcile because it comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the things that didn't make sense at the time they were happening and dealing with all the "whys, what ifs, and if onlys" that now torture our hearts and minds when we are so emotionally vulnerable. It is perfectly clear from what you share with us that you and your family did everything in your power to give your beloved Yue a happy, healthy, earthly journey. And hopefully in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Yue transitioned from this earthly realm in the place she loves the most - - in her home surrounded by the familiar sights, sounds, and smells - - and most importantly - - wrapped in an atmosphere of love from her human family.

The good news in the midst of all this heartbreaking pain is that the love bond you and your beloved Yue share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Yue's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Nina -- she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Yue with us, and this wonderful picture of her. She is soooo beautiful, and it is obvious from the expression on her face and in her eyes that she knows she is forever loved. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Nina, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Nina]

Thanks you for your reply. It make me cry but it's so early still, I guess that's normal. It makes it even harder today because i was supposed to get her to the vet this afternoon to see how she had ''improved''.

But I've talked to a lot of people, and it does make it easier, a little bit at a time. My brother came to visit me yesterday night, he was the one closest to Yue, and since the first month she got sick, he had already made his peace with her leaving. He was was calm and strong, it made me feel better. He told me she purred everyday of her last week, she was happy to spent her last moments with her family. He told me lots of stuff, but mainly that yes it would hurt for a while but we would have to get used to not seeing her around.

So I know it'll get easier...but it's still so terrible. It doesn't help that we'll always wonder what did kill her. Her IBD if that was really it? Cancer? Or her little old body couldn't handle all of these ups and downs. I really though, and the vet made me believe that she wasn't actually that old...but she was...I knew it in my heart, I just didn't want to believe it.

Thank you very much
Nina

[moon_beam]

Hi, Nina, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm so very glad you have the comforting support of your family to help you in your grief adjustment journey. This grief journey is filled with many adjustments each and every day, particularly during the deep grief. When our companions come into our hearts and home, our lives are changed for the better. They literally become the center of our universe. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again with the incredibly painful task of "re-inventing" our daily routines that no longer include the time we shared with them. It can feel as though every minute of every hour of every day is a constant reminder that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us, and our hearts break anew. This grief journey is both a physical and emotional adjustment.

I promise you, Nina, that it will not always be this way. One day very likely when you least expect it you will be thinking of your beloved Yue and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and your heart will fill with the warmth of the many treasured and cherished memories you and your beloved Yue share. But until this time comes for you, please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Nina, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Yue's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[MannaPaws]

Hello Nina,

I also want to extend my heartfelt sympathy in the loss of your sweet, beloved Yue. Thank you so much for sharing the picture of your beautiful Yue. She is such a beautiful girl with her silky white fur and expressive almond shaped green eyes!

I can sympathize with the pain you feel at the loss of your sweet, beautiful Yue, and how it feels like your heart could break into billions of pieces. I know about the feelings of guilt as well, wondering if I could have done things differently to change the outcome. My emotions felt out of control, as I tried to work through every detail and make sense out of the loss I was feeling, which I discovered was part of the grieving process. With the loss of every one of my precious feline boys and girls, I always felt this way. I think it's part and parcel of this grieving journey, and it's something that is normal, albeit it does feel like one is under a crushing weight of guilt and regret.

moon_beam has said things so eloquently, such as the love bond that you and your precious Yue share in it being eternal, and not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Even though I’ve had a number of dear, precious feline companions throughout my life, and have grieved the loss of each one, it is that love bond that is always with me. It's the memories I have of all of them that remain forever in my heart and mind. As I wake up to each day, I remember special times and moments with them, and it's these moments that make me realize that they are still with me - alive in my heart, my mind and my soul. This is what has given me hope through the days, and also hope that one day I will see them again in the Heavenly realms.

I’m so glad you have family members who are supportive, and I know that has been a blessing. At this point of your grief journey, your emotions are raw, so it's good to have people in your life who can support and even grieve with you. It’s as moon_beam said that this grief journey is like a horror roller coaster ride with countless emotions that overwhelm us. There are so many emotions and thoughts that can and do bombard you, but expressing your thoughts via this forum will continue to help you work through all the emotional ups and downs.

Please know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. And do continue to keep us all posted, whenever you feel up to it, and for however long is needed. This is a very safe forum filled with loving individuals who genuinely care about others who have also gone through the loss of their special boy and girl companions.

Warm regards,
MannaPaws

[Nina]

I am so very grateful for your answers. Really the last hour had been total horror. I can't stop crying, I though I was fine so far. I just got in a total breakdown. The guilt has been lifted now, i dont feel it anymore. All I feel is sadness and anger. All I want to do is have her in my arm and hug her. God knows I did hug her a lot in the last 5 months, but just wish I had even more. I know she is with me somehow. I know her ''presence'' is gonna be even stronger in my family house but I just can't bring myself to go there yet.

My breakdown is starting to calm down a bit...I know I have to keep going, do some cleaning, whatever....I've been just watching tv since this morning and talking about my grief with online friends...So I guess I didnt help...

Thank you so much for your support

[sapphireluna]

Like I said to you before,

Once you feel better, rather than cry for her death, remember to celebrate her life. Celebrate the life that she had and her life with you. Celebrate the friendship you had. Say thank you for what she has given you these 15 years.

She does not want you to be sad for her. She wants you to see her off with a smile.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Nina, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal when you share with us "I can't stop crying, I though I was fine so far. I just got in a total breakdown. All I feel is sadness and anger. All I want to do is have her in my arm and hug her."

When we are grieving a loss, particularly during the deep grief, we have no control over our emotions. I remember so well being thankful for the privacy of the restroom at work where I could retreat to regain some composure so that I could go back to my desk to resume my work. And as soon as I got in the car for the drive home the dam of uncontrollable gut-wrenching sobbing bursting forth that had been held in while at work. This grief journey is both physical and emotional. Scientific studies prove that every time our companions touch / rub us, lick / kiss us they are literally chemically imprinting themselves on to us so that they can identify us from all the other humans on the planet. When they precede us to the angels, we literally experience a chemical withdrawal from this imprint - - which is one of the many reasons why it is literally painful to not be able to hold them in our arms, to feel their sweet physical body close to us. Some of our forum friends, including me, find it helpful to hold something that belongs only to the beloved companion - - a blanket, toy, collar, - - whatever - - particularly when the pain of not being able to hold them is more than what our hearts can bear. I have slept with my beloved companion's collar and one of their blankets / toys. No, it isn't the same as holding them - - but it does help to bridge the physical pain of not being able to hold them.

Scientific studies also prove that the tears we cry are literally healing tears for they literally cleanse our bodies from the toxins that build up from the stress of grieving. So it is very healthy for you to cry, Nina, as often as you need to through the deep grief - - even if you must find a place apart from other people to do so.

This grief journey can be very overwhelming, Nina. It doesn't matter if it's our first experience or our thousandth - - each grief journey is uniquely painful because each relationship we have with each of our companions is uniquely individual. It is very healthy for you to reach out to family and friends who can offer you the support, comfort, and encouragement you need as you travel your grief adjustment journey. And please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Nina, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Yue's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Nina]

Thank you all. I do feel way better today. I actually went to my parent's house this morning with a friend. And it wasn't as painful as I though it would be. I went to all her favorite spots, touch every surface. I ended up with the place where she passed, on the sofa on my mother's laps. And I noticed that right in front of me, there was the family photo. My grand mother was on it. I went to see it closer and it was like she witnessed it too. She was smiling gently as if to say. It's ok, we are together and we are here. I also noticed on my brother's bed, Yue's blanket. Well it wasn't really ''her's'' but when she would feel too sick, she used to go sleep in the corner of my brother's room, on that blanket. I felt that somehow, she was still sharing that bed with him. (she used to spent every night with him).

I also manage to speak with my mom on the cell. They are far away right now so I couldnt ear her that well, but she sounded fine. Happy. I sensed that her wound was still hurting but that she had it under control. I told her that I loved her again and she sounded very happy.

Morning are specially hard, probably because that's the time she passed. Every morning I wake up at 4:30 in the morning and cant go back to sleep until 5:30 just cant think about anything else than her. Fluffy white kitty...then i wake up at 8 and it's hard until 10...

But every day is getting easier to get by. I look at her pictures and I smile.

And most of all, I wish and hope that my family's grief heal as well. That the return of my parents to the family house in a week won't be painful. I know I can't take their pain, I wish I could, but I want to do everything to make is easier for them.

Thank you all, writing it all, even if I talk to a lot of people, is doing some good. I don't expect to be fine tomorrow or this weekend. But maybe after the first week is finished... who knows...
Many blessings to you all
Nina

[moon_beam]

Hi, Nina, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm so glad visiting your parents' home was not as traumatic as you thought it might be. I'm also glad you are finding peace in the many treasured memories you and your beloved Yue share. It is important for you to remember that this grief journey cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month - - it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Nina, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Yue's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Nina]

I just had a dream she came back. Just like nothing happened. My mom was so happy and she was eating like she wasn't even sick anymore. I ran to a church to give all the money in my wallet to thank God and buy some quality cat food I couldn't find. But when I came back to my parent house, I don't know how, the spell was broken. She went back to be....no there. I woke up and I felt so angry and sad. And the guilt was back. What could I've done to heal her. I should have been more aggressive to find out what she had before it was too late. I know I can't change anything now. I have 3 more cats at home, I have to bring my attention back to them. To make sure I am prepared for their eventual sickness and problems.

I was doing quite okay before that. Had the blues yesterday chatting with my brother, playing a computer game. But no crying...I know she's with him. Cuddling next to him and purring...I knew that kind of dream would come, I just didn't think they would come so early...so cruel....and unfair...

Thank you for reading.
Like I said before, mornings are the hardest...

Have a good day
Nina

[moon_beam]

Hi, Nina, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Having dreams of our beloved companions is not unusual. Clinical studies prove that our dreams can be a way that our minds are trying to reconcile an event in our lives - - such as the physical loss of your beloved Yue. I firmly believe our companions "visit" us - - in our dreams and in other ways - - to try to let us know they are well and are patiently waiting until it is our appropriate time to join them in eternal joy. Since your dream started out so well with your beloved Yue being healthy again I truly believe she is trying to comfort you and let you know all is well with her - - that she doesn't want you feeling any guilt about what happened with her. Even if you did know what her exact illness was, things may very well have happened the same way. Just because a medical procedure can be done or medicine provided does not mean that it would have been in the best interest of your beloved Yue to be done. I truly believe by visiting you in your dream she is trying to let you know that she knows you did everything in your power to give her a happy, healthy earthly journey, and is forever blessed to have your for her Forever Mom, and your parents and brother as her Forever Family. Hopefully in time you will find comfort and peace in your heart in these visits from your beloved Yue.

Unfortunately there is no way we can ever "prepare" ourselves for the eventual illness / injury that may inflict our precious companions during their earthly journey. The most important thing is to cherish every moment of every day you have with your precious companions.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Nina, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Yue's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Nina]

Today, it's been two weeks. And this morning I woke up with a terrible dream. Yue had come back to life, but she was near death. And we still didn't know what she was suffering from. So I decided to rush to emergency vetenarian 45 minutes car ride away, against my mother's will. I know I'm in debt, but I couldnt care less, I would pay anything to have her back. Took forever to find it. When I got there, it was just a sham hospital with kids in it. I finally found some decent vet, but she was so slow I made me crazy. And I woke up without resolution to that freaky dream. I did have a dream before that about me waiting for her reincarnation to reach me. (yup I believe in reincarnation) But it's way too early. I know a part of her is still with me. I just miss all of her...

I wish I could help all the other persons, on this forum, that has just lost their pets...but it seem I can't find the words for them right now, it's all too fresh for me. But someday I'll support other people too. I'll stay around. After all I have 3 more cats(now). And even in sickness, this seem to be a amazing forum, not just for grief.

thank you all very much.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Nina, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I know so very well from first hand experience how you're feeling when you share with us "I know a part of her is still with me. I just miss all of her..." This grief adjustment journey is both physical and emotional, so please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is a very normal part of this grief journey. Just take one day at a time, one moment at a time, Nina - - you are going through a HUGE adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Yue.

Also, although when we are grieving we want to reach out to others who are also enduring the painful adjustment to the physical loss of their beloved companion, sometimes we just need to focus on our own grief first. So please do not feel any pressure to try to respond to others who are grieving right now. We will look forward to your comforting support when YOU feel you are ready to help others.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Nina, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Yue's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam