Heartbroken, And Scared To Death It Was My Fault Options

[hewasmybestfrien...]

I lost my cat unexpectedly on New Year's Day and I am in so much pain, and still in shock. He was only ten and a half and I only had him for four years. He was my best friend, my life revolved around him. I'm struggling with intense guilt/remorse as he had a sudden breathing problem two days prior, I took him to the vet immediately and he got a medication, and then two days later - gone. I will never forget how it felt to come home from work, open the covers (he loved to sleep in my bed) and find him dead. Every time it comes back into my mind I feel stabbed in the heart. I had an autopsy done and they couldn't find the cause of death and so i had lab samples sent out, I find out tuesday if they show anything. i may, despite how much i loved him, not have been able to tell that he was ill until it was too late.

What hurts the most is that he didn't have the chance to get old, it just feels so WRONG, like this wasn't supposed to happen. Every so often the flashback of discovering his lifeless body, of realizing he was dead, hits me again and it is hellish.

I never took him for granted, I always played when he wanted to, bought him the best food and treats, I kissed him a hundred times a day and had two dozen names for him, he slept next to me every night, he followed me literally everywhere and I know that he loved me too. And yet I couldn't see that something was wrong. He had had some strange wheezing periodically for several months, I thought it was "reverse sneezing" and nothing to worry about. Now I wonder if it was a sign that I should have paid attention to. I can never forgive myself. Even though the autopsy showed his lungs were normal. The only possibly abnormal thing she found was a possible thickening in his heart and his pancreas looked somewhat strange. He had had irritation in his larynx and that's why the vet had given him a medication. He was too stiff for her to cut open higher and check his larynx area. But he was found in a sleeping position, with no signs of struggle.

The house is so quiet now. He was so beautiful and loving, he was so perfect for me. It seemed as if he was made for me. He had so many sweet quirks - he loved being warm and sleeping in the bed. In the mornings, he would get up when i did, i would make coffee while he ate his breakfast, and then we would sit in front of the heater together. He loved it blasting in his face! he loved sleeping with his head in or resting on my hands, and he loved to chew on my ear while purring, to roll on tissue paper, to sit at the window and cackle at birds. He had a unique purr - it had a high pitched vocal component to it. And so many other things. When I came home even from being gone one night, he "lectured" me with special meows and stayed extra close to me. Seeing his things - his dishes, his special castle-shaped scratcher, his toys shaped like desserts and birds, his litter box - it's excruciating. He was an orange tabby and was so orange, even his nose was orange, and he had a pigmented "freckle" in one of his green eyes. Riding in the car holding his body on the way to the vet is when my tears fell on his fur for the last time, and it made me think of all the other times I had been sad and lonely and he had comforted me. I hated being away from him for even a night. I've never had a connection to any other living creature like I did with him and it has been ripped from me out of the blue. I've struggled for many years with anxiety and more recently, depression, and now something truly horrendous has happened. And he was always there for me, he never judged me. And now when I feel the worst, he isn't there, which is truly horrible. How am I supposed to go on? Knowing that his fur will slowly disappear from my clothes and the house. His smell will go away. The rest of his food remains uneaten. I was supposed to find a new apartment soon, and I thought of how lovely it would be to come home to him in our very first new apartment together. Now it will never happen. I am so heartbroken. He's not here to take care of, so I have no reason to get up.

I'm scared to death that somehow this is my fault. I'm so scared to hear the lab results. Everyone is telling me this isn't my fault and there's nothing I could have done.. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to get old. He deserved to get old.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Heartbroken, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved companion. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion unexpectedly intensifies the grief.

Hearbroken, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the emotions we all struggle with is guilt / remorse because this comes from looking back when we are so emotionally vulnerable at a time when our hearts are engulfed with the deepest sorrow and trying to reconcile all the things that didn't quite make sense at the time they were happening.

I can imagine your shock when you arrived home to find that your beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit had transitioned home to the angels. Hopefully in time you will be able to find comfort in knowing that his transition journey happened in a place he loves the most: his home surrounded by the sights, sounds, and smells he cherished during his earthly journey with you.

As with human medicine unfortunately autopsies sometimes raise more questions than provide answers. I hope the results of the lab tests will offer both you and your veterinary care provider some insights as to what happened, and hopefully will bring some peace and affirmation to your heart that you did everything in your human and humane power to give him a happy, healthy earthly journey.

I can so relate to your feelings of both your beloved companion and you being "cheated" out of a long earthly journey together. Throughout my life I too have experienced the sorrow of losing companions at very early tender ages, and it is heartbreaking - - even when we know they have an illness that is in its final stages.

Our companions have inherited a genetic trait from their wild cousins when it comes to disguising how they are feeling physically. Because of this genetic trait, our companions do everything in their power to hide the early signs of illness / injury until they can no longer do it. Unfortunately this is of little help to us as their human guardians and veterinary care providers. Sometimes, as with human medicine, our veterinary care providers can prescribe medicines and / or perform medical procedures that will restore a good quality of life for our companions. And sometimes, sadly, there comes a time when there is nothing left in the veterinary medical arsenal except offering compassionate assistance to ease our precious companion's journey home to the angels.

Although you are now faced with the most painful task of re-inventing your life that no longer includes the physical presence of your beloved companion there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved companion share. Love is eternal, Heartbroken - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are engulfed in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Hearbroken, thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved companion with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel like sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Heartbroken, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Ritch]

I am very sorry to hear about your cat. What was his name?

I recognize everything you are saying. I just lost my orange tabby cat Percy on October 23rd, when he was a bit less than eleven years old. You mention your cat's pancreas. I am pretty sure it was pancreatitis that killed Percy. He had survived it once before. I found a few suggestions on websites that orange cats have more sensitive digestive systems than most cats, but I didn't find any actual evidence for that. The state of cat medicine is fifty years or more behind human medicine. The autopsy may or may not give you answers as to what happened.

Guilt is part of grief; it comes with the territory of taking responsibility for animals who don't know how to take care of themselves. However, based on what you have said here, you almost certainly didn't do anything wrong. Your cat got sick, and you took him to the vet: That is what you are supposed to do with a sick cat. Any mistakes made from there are the vet's responsibility. Cats can be hard to diagnose, and you can't expect yourself to be on the same level as a professional.

Going through this is like living in a nightmare, but you can't wake up from it and have everything be right again. A cat like that supports you through all life's troubles, and when the cat is no longer there you have lost the one you want to turn to for comfort.

I don't have any answers for you on what to do. I can tell you that I collected some of Percy's fur, and made a collection of all my pictures him. I am writing down all the things he did so I won't forget them.

I can't make you feel better, but maybe I can distract you for a moment. I found a list of things that make orange cats special, and most of them applied to my cat. Here they are:

1) Love children.

2) Very tolerant and adapt well to their surroundings.

3) Loyal; once the orange tabby cat is a friend, it will be a friend forever.

4) Orange tabbies, especially males, have giant roaring purrs.

5) Very intelligent and inquisitive.

6) Energetic and exhausted, with extreme differences in energy.

7) Playful, and excellent hunters.

8) Well behaved, learn the rules easily, and accept their roles.

9) Sweethearts with gentle sweet-natured personalities.

Percy fit eight out of nine of these -- he wasn't thrilled by children.

Do you recognize your cat in this list?

[hewasmybestfrien...]

Thank you both so much for your kind words.

My cat's name was Smedley and I absolutely recognize those traits in him. Never saw him around children, I'm not sure how he would have been, but he was always so loving and sweet to people. I've noticed that the orange cats I've met seem to really love people noticeably compared to other types of cats. He did have a roaring purr that was different from any other I've heard. It had a vocal component to it and the happier he was, the louder and more high-pitched it would get. He was so wonderful.

You're right, I'm not able to make judgments/decisions like an experienced professional, but I do work in the veterinary field and have some knowledge, so I feel tormented that I may have not realized or brushed off signs that he was ill. And the guilt has become so intense that I feel as if I am responsible because I took too long to get home, because I live too far from work, etc. etc. If I loved him so much then why isn't he here anymore? The vet was just as shocked as everyone else that he had died. It hurts so much - how could this have happened? He deserved so much more. So many horrendous what ifs in my mind. Like what if he had been a tiny bit alive when I found him (he was still so warm, but stiffening, but maybe..?) and had I rushed to the emergency vet instead of calling my friend panicking for a few minutes, he could have been revived? If I had just been home...?

I'm doing the same things you mentioned - gathering all the pictures and videos, and I have some whiskers and when preparing his body we shaved some of his fur to keep. He had really unique stripe patterns and on his sides he had two swirls that looked like spiral galaxies. I love astronomy so this was particularly delightful to me. I also set up an area with mementos, toys and candles, and some fall themed items because I adopted him in the fall.

This is the third day since his death and my home seems so dark and lonely. Reminiscing and looking at pictures has helped, but it still hurts so badly. Still so worried about the test results.

Again, thank you.

[LittleGirl's...]

{{{Heartbroken}}},

My most heartfelt sympathies to you! I am thinking of you and sweet Smedley tonight. I am going to write more tomorrow (I'm falling asleep right now and so can't quite express what I want to say).

Suffice it to say, for now, that you and Smedley are, and will ALWAYS be together. You are an amazingly rare parent and there should be more like you in this world. You did NOTHING (!!!!!) wrong! I'm just so sorry you are in this pain.

To be continued tomorrow.

Huge hugs of comfort and peace coming your way. Please try and sleep tonight. I understand the pain.

Kathy

[hewasmybestfrien...]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

I have a strong support network and no one has told me anything other than they had never seen such a bond between a cat and person as he and I had, and that I did my best to take care of him. I still don't believe them about the second part of that...but I'm trying.

I've attached a picture of Smedley. He was the most beautiful cat. Why did he have to leave me?

Attached image(s)

 

[moon_beam]

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and these wonderful pictures of your beloved Smedley. Please permit me to try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal.

One of the many traits our companions possess is the ability to accept us for who we are - - mere humans who are not infallible and who are not omnipotent. We are not gifted with foreknowledge as to what, when, and how our companions will precede us home to the angels. It is perfectly natural for us to want to keep our companions with us forever. Unfortunately, neither we nor our companions are immortal on this side of eternity, and since we live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of taste, touch, smell, sight, and sound adjusting to the physical absence of our beloved companions is excruciatingly painful. The good news is that our beloved companions ARE with us forever even when we are physically separated from them - - for love is eternal, Heartbroken - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. When they precede us to the angels our relationship with them transforms to a different dimension - - the dimension of eternal love.

Unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up this grief adjustment journey or make it automatically disappear. The only way to navigate this grief journey is one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time - - with the reassurance that you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and who are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you again so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Smedley with us, Heartbroken. I hope today is treating you kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[LittleGirl's...]

You absolutely DID do your best, Heartbroken. If you're anything like me, you expect perfection of yourself. That is humanly impossible. Keep that in mind when you find yourself questioning whether you did enough.

I am so glad to hear that you have a strong supportive network in your life. And you have us.

Smedley is absolutely gorgeous. My cat looks ... almost identical !

One thing that might help to remember is that humans have much more complex lives than pets do. So on the day of Smedley's passing, in hindsight you wished you had gotten home sooner, didn't live so far from your job, etc. But you, being the responsible parent that you are, held that job BECAUSE you are a responsible parent. You worked to provide for his food, shelter, vet care, everything!

If the roles were reversed right now, and it was you whose physical body had transitioned into pure Spirit, you would want Smedley's remaining time in his physical body to be as happy, joyful--everything good--as it possibly could be. In your own shoes right now, there unfortunately is the excruciating grieving process to go through. But, as soon as you possibly can feel even a shred, a split second, of happiness, the glimmer of a smile - celebrate that and know that it's EXACTLY what Smedley wants, just as you would want for him.

Smedley, being a pure Spirit right now, is in absolute bliss and, as Moon Beam mentioned, is not bound to our time-and-space laws. He will never have a second of sadness or ill health or anything negative in the slightest.

Sending you much peace and understanding!! Please be gentle with yourself, Heartbroken!

Kathy

[Ritch]

Smedley has an endearing look to him. There really is something special about orange cats. Did you know that about three-quarters of orange cats are male? The color/sex link turns out to be a classic example in genetics textbooks. I had no idea until Percy died and I started doing research.

Smedley was young, and the things you have mentioned that might have indicated something was wrong are so minor that nobody would imagine he would die like that. If you are not able to identify warning signs even in retrospect, you certainly shouldn't feel guilty not having recognized them beforehand. The breathing issue might not even be connected to his death. And if he was already a little stiff when you found him, he had been dead for at least a quarter of an hour, and possibly more. There is no way you could have brought him back. Yes, it is tragic that you didn't get home a little sooner so you could say goodbye to him, but it is tragic no matter how it happens. My Percy died in my arms, and I still feel horrible. If you had been with him you would be thinking you could have done something, and most likely there is nothing you could have done -- you would just have something different to feel guilty about.

I know another woman whose orange cat died suddenly a couple of weeks ago. She is a "cat lady" who knows more about cats than most vets, and she is taking care of a dozen or more cats at her own house at a time for adoptions, as well as feeding cats in several alleys. She had a favorite long-haired orange tabby of her own named Scrubby. Because she was taking care of the other cats, she didn't realize he wasn't eating for two days until he started yowling in pain. She took him in to the vet immediately, but he was already in liver failure, and he died in her arms within the hour, purring the whole time. If someone with so much experience isn't able to spot the signs of trouble, the rest of us are even less likely to figure it out.

For all that we think we know and understand them, cats are inscrutable when it comes to pain. They seem to take it like the weather: They can't do anything about it, so they just live with it until it is too late to do anything to save them. The only exceptions I have seen are for cats with viruses and cats with failing kidneys. In those cases, the symptoms are obvious enough that you can recognize something is wrong. (Pro tip from the cat lady: If a cat gets a virus, it may mean that it has a more serious problem, since most cats don't get viruses unless they are weakened somehow; take it to the vet even if it seems to be getting better.) Also, from what you say, it doesn't sound like Smedley was suffering much, if at all, before he died; death may have taken him by surprise.

I feel very guilty for better reasons than you, since I didn't take Percy to the vet until he was in crisis, but I sometimes feel like the guilt is a way of occupying myself with myself, instead of focusing on the fact that he is gone. If I don't distract myself with other things, the pain of missing him is almost unbearable. The pain is easing with time, but the guilt remains. Work on forgiving yourself for not being able to recognize whatever was happening with him, and for not being in the right place at the right time: It would have been pure luck if things had been otherwise. Some things are so far beyond our control that we have to take them as fate. It sounds like Smedley's death was one of those things.

You have probably heard of the "five stages of grief." Even Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who came up with them, has said that they have been misused; they were originally meant to apply only to patients diagnosed with cancer, and they aren't actually a sequence, but rather a set of potential responses that may happen in any order, or not at all. A model I have found to match my experience better is three stages: Shock and disbelief; yearning for the beloved; and reorganization, where you learn to live with your loss. I have been oscillating among these, but I am mostly past the point of shock, and trying to get to reorganization. I think it will take me at least some months, since I am past ten weeks already. I still think of Percy waiting for me at the window, or making his little "mrrf" noise to call me into the living room for petting, or nuzzling the clover growing out of a crack in the concrete on the back walk, and break down crying. I won't say it gets easier every day, because none of it is easy, but the pain changes over time. Every day carries us farther away from them. I hope to eventually look back from a distance and be able to be thankful for having had Percy in my life, and you should be able to do the same with Smedley, but we both have a long way to go. Good luck to you.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

I have a strong support network and no one has told me anything other than they had never seen such a bond between a cat and person as he and I had, and that I did my best to take care of him. I still don't believe them about the second part of that...but I'm trying.

I've attached a picture of Smedley. He was the most beautiful cat. Why did he have to leave me?

[hewasmybestfrien...]

Thank you all, so much.

Ritch - I have been hearing that and I didn't really know about animals and cats in particular that they don't show illness outwardly. How I wish that wasn't the case. And yes, those little triggers. Was able to empty out his water dish the other day, but when I tried to dump out the food...I broke down. I saw how he would always eat his food - make a little hole where you could see the bottom of the dish, and the specific sound of how the food tinkled against the ceramic. Looking at it and knowing it would never be finished. It just hurts too much to get rid of it yet. I have to return to work tomorrow, as I've mentioned I work in the veterinary field, and am not sure exactly how it will go. I'll also be hearing back from the lab tomorrow or Tuesday...

LittleGirl'sMommy - you are so kind. I did have the experience this morning of hearing birds singing for the first time in months, and thought of Smedley. He was an angel to me. I don't know where he is now (wish I knew, so confused), but he is very much still "alive" in the sense of his energy and my love for him - my friend told me that his own pain over Smedley's death inspired him to spend more time with his father and help him with things instead of brushing him off. I think that's very beautiful.

Today I haven't cried as much, which bothers me, have I really started to "get over it" so quickly? I just feel so empty, confused, numb and meaningless, and my heart hurts badly and my stomach just feels sick constantly even when thinking of him it's almost too hard now. I was struggling with depression before this happened and now it's even worse. I've moved past the shock of his death or so it seems and so have stopped begging him him to come back...and I hate this horrible dead feeling. It's like my heart/mind just couldn't deal with it, it's too much, it hurts too bad.

And the routine that I had is just gone. I have nothing to come home to anymore, it's just quiet and cold. No routine of making sure the house is secure before leaving so that he stays safe. It doesn't matter if I leave out flowers, ribbons or other things he could have gotten into. It will be easier for me to find an apartment now that I don't have a pet. I can stay out without that wish/tug to go home and spend time with him (huge introvert here). I would so rather have those worries back instead of this emptiness.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very painful.

Heartbroken, contrary to what our society tries to force us to believe there is no such thing as "getting over" the physical loss of a loved one - - whoever the life form. The phrases "getting over" "moving forward" etc. imply "forgetting" our beloved companions, and this is impossible - - because - - love is eternal, and our beloved companions are always and forever a part of our heart and memories - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to us. This grief journey is not about "getting over" the physical absence of our beloved companions but rather is one of "adjusting" to it. Even 20 years down the road there may be a time when you are thinking of your beloved Smedley and you will feel a mist come to your eyes and an ache of sorrow in your heart once again missing his sweet precious physical presence. But I assure you, Heartbroken, that this sorrow you feel then will be less intense because your heart will be filled with the warmth of the many treasured memories you and your beloved Smedley share. And rest assured that every time you remember him he is simultaneously sharing the same memory with you - - for he is always and forever keeping a loving vigil over you.

Heartbroken, I hope today is treating you kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[hewasmybestfrien...]

Thank you so much moon-beam.

Found out today the cause of death. My little angel had heart failure. According to my vet we would have to have gotten as far as an ECG in order to find it, because she never heard heart murmurs, and during the autopsy his overall heart shape was still normal, so apparently it wouldn't have shown on an x-ray. I asked how long he would have lived if we had caught it in time, and she told me that the longest she ever had a patient live with this after diagnosis was a year. She predicted he specifically would have lived a few months more. I still feel absolutely awful and wish I could have been able to tell something was wrong, to do more. But I also feel a bit more peaceful. He got to spend his last 4.5 years with me (I rescued him from a shelter) cherished and loved immensely. Thinking of his sweet innocent little heart giving out hurts me so badly. He deserved to live so much longer, I would do anything to have him back with me again. I loved him so much, he was such a gift and I am so happy and grateful that I found him in this life.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and the results of the lab tests on what caused your beloved Smedley's sudden physical death. Sadly our companions cannot tell us "hey, I feel this way or that way" so the only thing we and the veterinary care providers can do is respond to the symptoms as they occur - - and as with human medicine so it also happens with veterinary medicine when there are sudden events that happen that result in our companion's transition home to the angels. I hope knowing what happened with your beloved Smedley will offer you comfort and peace in your heart.

I know how deeply painful it is to adjust to the physical absence of a beloved companion. Your beloved Smedley is blessed to have you for his Forever Mom, and you are blessed to be his sole, and soul, heir to his eternal love.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[hewasmybestfrien...]

Thank you..the results did give some measure of closure.

I miss him so much. It hurts so much and I feel so lonely and empty. Nothing has changed for anyone else, they carry on and are going about their lives, but mine is completely changed and I'm expected to just go back to a "normal life". Like looking at an apartment today. I was just thinking of how from now on I won't have him to come home to. I felt so lonely and wanted to just leave. What's the point. I wish so badly I could hold him in my arms again. I love you Smedley.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I do so understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "Nothing has changed for anyone else, they carry on and are going about their lives, but mine is completely changed and I'm expected to just go back to a "normal life"." It never ceases to amaze me how life continues on - - bills get paid, jobs get done, errands and chores are done, etc. - - but now with the feeling of being "disconnected" and not having any "purpose" to the activity around us because our hearts are grieving for the absence of our beloved companion who brought joy and purpose and meaning to EVERYTHING in our lives.

I can perfectly understand how looking for a new home now has no joy or excitement for you, Heartbroken. Still, I hope you will come to know in time that your beloved Smedley is with you wherever you go and whatever you do because he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you -- so his sweet Living Spirit will be with you in your new home, too.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Mistletoe]

I know your feeling----I have been there-----The loss never goes away--but with time--it will get better---

[hewasmybestfrien...]

Thank you both... I feel like his death has changed everything in my life. I feel depressed and empty. "Life goes on" but I don't feel ready at all. Everyday life is so much more draining. I still get occasional flashbacks to finding his body and they hurt so much. Still keep thinking he'll be waiting for me to get home, meowing to "lecture" me about being gone like he always did. The closer I get to home, the more my stomach twists. It's been hard to think at all about what I want/need to accomplish this year, especially because he passed on New Year's Day. It still seems so unfair and wrong. I have been able to focus more on happy memories, but I feel so lost and empty without him. I just want him back...

[moon_beam]

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief journey but unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process of make it automatically disappear. Please know you are among friends here for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Saki & Freyj...]

Smedley's parent:

Thank you very much for your post. Today, I found my very dear cat Mai dead. I am devastated and the guilt is awful. I realized last night / this morning that she was not right. I made an appt for the vet this afternoon, she was dead. I found her under the bed. She never went under the bed. I pulled her out... The image is horrible.

Anyway, as I read your post, it is so darn clear to me that Smedley's death was totally beyond your control. Even with your latter posts confirming this, even from your first post, I could tell that it obviously was not your fault. Everyone out here has told you this, and I hope you are starting to internalize it. Maybe I will, too. Probably not today, though.

He was a gorgeous boy. Thank you for rescuing him and sharing his last years with him. I can tell by the pics that he loved you very, very much.

[hewasmybestfrien...]

Smedley's parent:

Thank you very much for your post. Today, I found my very dear cat Mai dead. I am devastated and the guilt is awful. I realized last night / this morning that she was not right. I made an appt for the vet this afternoon, she was dead. I found her under the bed. She never went under the bed. I pulled her out... The image is horrible.

Anyway, as I read your post, it is so darn clear to me that Smedley's death was totally beyond your control. Even with your latter posts confirming this, even from your first post, I could tell that it obviously was not your fault. Everyone out here has told you this, and I hope you are starting to internalize it. Maybe I will, too. Probably not today, though.

He was a gorgeous boy. Thank you for rescuing him and sharing his last years with him. I can tell by the pics that he loved you very, very much.

Thank you for your kind and compassionate words in the midst of your own raw grief. I am so, so sorry to hear about your cat Mai. That horrific feeling, that shock is the worst thing I've ever experienced. I completely understand what you are going through right now. It's hellish.

Once I learned that Smedley's early death was basically inevitable (through the lab tests), it did bring me some peace (especially because if he had to go, a peaceful quick death meant less suffering than a gradual physical deterioration), but some of that guilt does remain - I love him so much that I still feel like I failed him.

Please take care.