The Silent Scream Frozen For All Time, MacKenzie, My Angel Options

[Monique]

I received MacKenzie's ashes Saturday. The crematorium, Paws Memorial, works with me. They wait for me to call them for the remains. I wish I could have delayed it forever. It's getting harder and harder. I even considered not getting her remains back. It's so final. It was so difficult to see that all that is left of my beautiful, sweet, loyal friend is a little pile of ashes. I just don't know what to do with the body of a beloved peep. I used to bury them, and now I fear I cannot move to another house and leave them behind. To cremate and receive their remains is ... I'm struggling with the words here. It's so painful. I have so many. The ones who I've had cremated so far are all resting near their favorite spots. If I just turn in their bodies, I cannot reconcile the bodies being disposed of like trash, or that is how I see it. Paws Memorial does do mass cremations, and they profess to handle each and every body with love and care. This all tormented me this weekend. I don't want to receive a little bag of ashes, yet I don't know what else to do.

And life just goes on, totally oblivious and uncaring...

I had to mow my grass this afternoon. It has been raining this weekend and the rest of the week promises to be more of the same. One day, today, was the only available window. Hot and humid. My mower would not start. I tried everything, cursed, prayed. I was completely drenched when I rolled my mower to my neighbors who have helped me before. The son lives with his parents. Never an issue before until today. The son answered the door and downright lied about his availability and returned from asking his father, whose answer was the same. The son was downright unkind as I stood there drenched in sweat, my lip quivering. But, I need help, I said. Well, we can't help you now. I need to help with dinner and I'm working on resume's and stuff, the son said. I was devastated. He turned on his heels and headed back into the house.

Life goes on... It doesn't matter that I've told this son previously I'm dealing with lots of loss. People are so busy with themselves. It's sickening. It doesn't matter to these people how difficult my life is and all I deal with. It doesn't matter that this son knows I'm dealing with heavy losses. Just like all the newspaper pages surrounding Donna's memorial announcement. I remarked on this then and I thought about it again today. My sweet MacKenzie came home as a bag of ashes and this guy could care less. Today his true colors came out. Another human contact that I will now never rely on again. God help him if he ever needs help and has no one.

I did manage to get my mower started thanks to the help of a friend who has recently come back into my life. He doesn't exactly live next door, but he dropped everything and helped me with my mower.

And so there is grace to temper the anger...

And my MacKenzie is still traveling with angels and I cannot hold her.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, getting our beloved companion's ashes is a two sided coin: one side can be a relief to have our companion home again yet the other side of the coin is yet another painful reality they are no longer with us in their precious physical form that our hearts and arms long for so much. It is another piece to this very painful physical and emotional grief adjustment journey.

As a single woman homeowner I can certainly understand your feelings about the lack of support from others when help is needed. And equally frustrating is having to deal with contractors who take unfair financial advantage charging excessively for services provided. I'm very glad you were able to find a friend who was willing to take time out of his life priorities to help you with the mower.

I understand how you feel about the prospects of moving and leaving your beloved companions behind. When my companion of several years joined the angels (now many decades ago) she was buried in a pet cemetery several miles from where I was living at the time. The last time I visited her resting place was before I moved out of State for my job which was relocating. I have come to realize through the years that the love bond I share with each of my beloved companions is not dependent on where I live and how geographically close I am to their final resting places. Since this experience, I have had each of my companions cremated and have their ashes with me - - primarily because I am not able to dig a grave for them and do not have anyone I can depend on to do it for me, nor am I financially able to afford a commercial resting place. I hope in time you will be able to find peace in your heart that what you decide regarding the disposition of your beloved companions' ashes is the RIGHT decision for you, Monique. And also, - - I hope you will know that wherever YOU are your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits are ALWAYS with you.

I hope today is treating you and each of your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Monique, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Monique]

Thank you for continuing to visit and offer your wonderful support.

I have been writing to support others quite a bit and I now feel drained, most recently AugustusS to try and help him through the worst of his grief from losing his beloved Mira. I wish I could take all the pain away on this site. I now feel my own grief tugging heavily and need to draw inward. My grief is still very fresh, despite the progress I have made, and I struggle daily with anticipatory grief for others under my care.

Then I see in the news that Joan Rivers has passed. I feel relief to know I would never have to hear her base, crude and crass humor again- is that horrible to say? Her humor was hurtful, not funny. It cut deeply. I saw pictures of her opulent penthouse with 23 feet high ceilings, every room dripping in gold and excess. Her view was, Why not spend it? I think of all the animals who will never even have a soft, warm bed, and I feel shame for such a wanton lifestyle. In the grand scheme of things, how could a person like that, who was so busy making fun of everyone and the world, possible know anything about the animals living right under her nose who could have benefited from her millions.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Your support to the people on this wonderful forum is sincerely, genuinely, and deeply appreciated. Each of us are blessed to have the privilege of your comfort and encouragement. Still, it is important that you give yourself the time and opportunity to grieve for your beloved MacKenzie and other companions.

I know how you feel about "if I were a rich man" (borrowed from "Fiddler On The Roof") all the good that could be done for the precious souls who need a loving Forever Home. I know what it's like to grow up with bare necessities because a parent thought spending money on his wife and children was "squandering" (his exact word) his hard earned money. It is written "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." There are people who treasure "things" that only money can buy and people who treasure the valuable gifts that only our hearts can measure. I am not financially wealthy, but I have always considered myself blessed with the precious gift of each of my companions, and have always tried to do my best for each of them with the resources available to me. This is all any of us can do whose treasure are the gifts of our companions. And we must celebrate the many people in our world who do try to ensure the well being of neglected, abused, and endangered creatures during their lifetime through their generous endowments of financial support and who leave a Living Legacy to continue their care.

I hope today is treating you and each of your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Monique, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Monique]

It's very true that everyone defines wealth differently. I do wonder about those who attach such meaning to material things, what is really missing...

I woke up completely exhausted and out of breath. I dreamed of MacKenzie. She was at the vet on an IV and was going to stay the night. The clinic was a total chaos, scenes of animals, supplies, stuff piled everywhere. The refrigerator door, I remember, had gallon Ziplock bags hanging somehow with fish swimming in it. Very odd. Somewhere in there was the staff and a smiling vet, completely unaffected by all the chaos and assured that MacKenzie would be fine. I was on my way home or driving, and desperate to find the vet's phone number to tell her I needed to pick MacKenzie up and care for her at home during the night, not leave her at the clinic. I couldn't find the number. Everything was warbled and confusing. I was breathless and extremely anxious. The more I struggled to find the phone number, the more panic stricken I became. I had to hurry. I was running out of time. And then I woke up...

Now if that dream doesn't explode the many desparations I feel about losing MacKenzie... And to remember a dream, for me, is very rare.

:'(

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm so sorry you had a very bad dream about your beloved MacKenzie. Dreams can be a way for our minds to try to reconcile events that have happened in our lives which can also reflect the sorrow - - or joy - - we are experiencing. When we are grieving we are particularly vulnerable emotionally which can intensify the sorrow we experience in our dreams. Please know that your beloved MacKenzie does not want your heart burdened with sorrow and guilt but rather focused on the many treasured memories you share together. Hopefully in time you will find a peace in your heart about the final days, hours of your beloved MacKenzie's earthly journey. Your beloved MacKenzie knows that you did everything in your human, and humane, power to try to restore her to a good quality of life.

I hope today is treating you and each of your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Monique, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Monique]

I completely agree with the vulnerabilities associated with loss. My Reiki friend, Kristine, also told me that MacKenzie does not want me to feel badly and knows I did everything possible to help her. I need to forgive myself for my humanness, if there is such a word.

With due respect to the fact that this is a pet loss support forum, I need to leave a heart print here for 5 little children who were murdered by their father, aged 1 - 8 years old. Innocent children, who had no way to defend themselves against this deranged brute. The pictures of the little ones via this link brings it home just how young they were, how beautiful and full of laughter and life. They never had a chance: http://www.aol.com/article/2014/09/10/dad-...26pLid%3D527455. A poignant and painful reminder that man mistreats and mangles all life forms, including his own. That knowledge is what kept me halfway sane during my years of active animal rescue. And that knowledge only really pacified in a kind of "bandaid over a gushing chest wound" kind of way. There is no excuse or justfication, ever, for what man has done to violate life and the planet that provides for him so beautifully.

May these sweet little ones rest in peace and have choirs of angels surrounding them, as well as the comfort of each other.

I'm so sad. I know this is not my burden. However, most of my life I have fought so hard to save and protect life. For all of us humanitarians who try to do to respect, protect life, rehabilitate broken bodies and spirits... it just appears to be a losing battle. It just plainly hurts and deeply. I'm repeating to myself that we cannot save them all, but for that one, we have made all the difference... For these five little children, help never came.

[Monique]

And I realize I have been offering support to many and you are the only one who is supporting me for MacKenzie and others...

That sits rather ... odd, for lack of a better word.

[erinpuglover]

I received MacKenzie's ashes Saturday. The crematorium, Paws Memorial, works with me. They wait for me to call them for the remains. I wish I could have delayed it forever. It's getting harder and harder. I even considered not getting her remains back. It's so final. It was so difficult to see that all that is left of my beautiful, sweet, loyal friend is a little pile of ashes. I just don't know what to do with the body of a beloved peep. I used to bury them, and now I fear I cannot move to another house and leave them behind. To cremate and receive their remains is ... I'm struggling with the words here. It's so painful. I have so many. The ones who I've had cremated so far are all resting near their favorite spots. If I just turn in their bodies, I cannot reconcile the bodies being disposed of like trash, or that is how I see it. Paws Memorial does do mass cremations, and they profess to handle each and every body with love and care. This all tormented me this weekend. I don't want to receive a little bag of ashes, yet I don't know what else to do.

And life just goes on, totally oblivious and uncaring...

I had to mow my grass this afternoon. It has been raining this weekend and the rest of the week promises to be more of the same. One day, today, was the only available window. Hot and humid. My mower would not start. I tried everything, cursed, prayed. I was completely drenched when I rolled my mower to my neighbors who have helped me before. The son lives with his parents. Never an issue before until today. The son answered the door and downright lied about his availability and returned from asking his father, whose answer was the same. The son was downright unkind as I stood there drenched in sweat, my lip quivering. But, I need help, I said. Well, we can't help you now. I need to help with dinner and I'm working on resume's and stuff, the son said. I was devastated. He turned on his heels and headed back into the house.

Life goes on... It doesn't matter that I've told this son previously I'm dealing with lots of loss. People are so busy with themselves. It's sickening. It doesn't matter to these people how difficult my life is and all I deal with. It doesn't matter that this son knows I'm dealing with heavy losses. Just like all the newspaper pages surrounding Donna's memorial announcement. I remarked on this then and I thought about it again today. My sweet MacKenzie came home as a bag of ashes and this guy could care less. Today his true colors came out. Another human contact that I will now never rely on again. God help him if he ever needs help and has no one.

I did manage to get my mower started thanks to the help of a friend who has recently come back into my life. He doesn't exactly live next door, but he dropped everything and helped me with my mower.

And so there is grace to temper the anger...

And my MacKenzie is still traveling with angels and I cannot hold her.

hi monique,

I saw you posting on your thread and wanted to drop a line. I see that you received MacKenzie's ashes. I know this must have been excruciating, I know it was for me. I think moon beam said this once, but it was a double edged sword. Feeling like she was back with me, but still so far away. Have you found a place for her ashes yet? I keep Winnie's on my dresser for now. The funny thing is I had convinced myself before getting them back that I didn't need them, that I would take them to her favorite beach and scatter them, but now that I have them I can't imagine not having this tactile reminder. How did you receive them? mine came in a cedar box with her name on them and a place for a photo. Did they make you a paw print?

I'm so sorry to hear about the mower catastrophe! I know all too well those moments that feel overwhelming that should feel ordinary - and to not feel supported or like you had someone you can lean on for support must have felt terrible. I don't know if this relates, but I heard once that if we were all to collectively stand in a circle and throw our worst troubles and worries into the middle of it and we were told to pick back up whatever ones we wanted - we would all pick up our own once more. No doubt your neighbors would have picked up their own problems quickly after seeing what you were struggling with.

It's funny how the grief plays out. Days when we feel able to support, listen and process pain with others, and days where we fall apart and so desperately need to have others to lean on. I know I have been so grateful for your comments on my thread and your pieces of support you've lent me. I don't know if you showed this article to me (likely!) or if I found it in once of my desperate 'so sad that my dog is gone' google searches but nonetheless I thought I would pass along in case you had not. I felt so connected to what the author was writing in relation to feelings of loneliness:
http://www.today.com/pets/when-my-dog-luck...ared-too-994165

Now, I know this refers to a dog and not a cat, but the sentiment is the same

Hope you are taking good care of yourself! Much love.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, this world is filled with many gruesome acts of cruelty against all living beings that it can make some of us deeply wonder about humanity's purpose for existence. The sad reality is we live in an imperfect world which includes both the bad and good that humanity has to offer. In this age of technology when events are instantaneously publicized it is easy to become overwhelmed by the constant bombardment of things that happen in our world - - particularly the bad things. And when we are grieving our own losses we are more vulnerable to the sorrow, sadness, and cruelty happening in the world. Both the TV and internet continuously replay horrifying events that deeply affects us emotionally, and this can lead to - - and contribute to - - feelings of depression and despair to the point where we can feel as you so poignantly share with us "For all of us humanitarians who try to do to respect, protect life, rehabilitate broken bodies and spirits... it just appears to be a losing battle."

Please let me try to reassure you, Monique, that what you, and each of us does, is truly not a losing battle. I remember in my younger years how I wanted so badly to make a positive "difference" in the world, and now that I am in my senior years I realize I have done nothing with my life to make the global world a "better place." I haven't invented anything, I haven't cured any diseases, I haven't improved the life of third world countries, I haven't prevented any wars, I haven't discovered any means for preventing disasters, etc.. But I have loved and cared for and provided for those who have been directly entrusted to my care to the best of my ability, and I add my voice with others who seek support in changing and improving the lives of our fellow inhabitants of every life form. We can only do the best we can to try to make a difference in the "world" in which we individually live. We may not receive recognition or acknowledgement for our efforts during our earthly journey, - - but I assure you, Monique, that your beloved MacKenzie - - and all of your beloved and precious companions - - are eternally grateful for everything you do for them, and they will be greeting you with your crown of glory when it is your appropriate time to join them in eternal joy.

I hope today is treating you and each of your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Monique, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, just stopping by to let you know I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Plesae know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Monique]

Hi Moon_Beam,

It warmed my heart to get the notification that you had stopped by to check on me. I have been so incredibly sad and downtrodden about so many things coming at me at once and have had no energy to write. I will soon, as for me, I know the best is to discuss it.

Thank you so much for your continued love, understanding and support.

xo

[Pamela S.]

Hi Monique.

I can totally relate to what you are saying about remembering the good times and then the sad shows up. Sometimes, I can push that sadness away, but other times, like last night on my way home, the tears fell. And that heartbreak is just as fresh as it first was.

Lynette.

Lynette,

Like you and many others here, I have lost many animal companions over the years (lizards, cats, bunnies, etc.), and I too have missed them all differently. My Boogie's passing last year, however, is the absolute worst nightmare I've ever endured. As you said, day-to-day life goes on, but the moment I think about the emptiness created by Boogie's absence, the grief returns just as painful and fresh as the night he died.
October 18th will be exactly one year since Boogie passed, and I dread each moment as that day approaches, so I have returned to this forum for...I don't know exactly...comfort...support. Your post, and many others, continues to remind me that everyone here is experiencing the terrible loss of our furbabies and that we share the same pain.

Pam

[Monique]

There are so many things I've wanted to write about and have been sucked into a vortex of viciously cycling guilt over the last part of the lives of many peeps,... Molly, MacKenzie, and others,... willing them to end differently, or rather... not at all.

Stuck In Guilt.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Unfortunately, guilt / remorse is one of the many emotions we ALL experience during our grief adjustment journey, and it is one of the hardest to reconcile because it comes from looking back and trying to make sense of events as they happened and all the "whys" "what ifs" and "if onlys" that haunt our heart and mind when we are so emotionally vulnerable. What we thought had been "resolved" in previous experiences can be "resurrected" with a new loss to adjust to, and this adds to the burden of our grief adjustment journey.

I do understand how you are feeling, Monique, and sadly, there is no easy way to "turn off" the emotions - - there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. For different reasons I know what it is like to want to turn back time to change events as they happened, and every day I am challenged with realizing that I do not possess this power. One of many things a wise professional counselor helped me to realize is that there is hope in living with the painful memories by focusing on the many treasured memories shared through the lifetime of the relationship. It's very hard when the final minutes, hours, days, weeks, months are ones of great turmoil with feelings of inadequacy and helplessness and uncertainty in knowing "what" to do - - the reality that we are not omnipotent beings but rather are mere mortals doing the best we can however inadequate it seems to us at the moment and later on.

I truly wish there were a way I could release this sorrow from your heart, Monique, but unfortunately I do not possess that power. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest friendship and attempts to comfort you as you travel your grief adjustment journey - - to try to help you to know you are not alone, and most importantly - - to try to reassure you that you ALWAYS did the very best for each of your beloved companions who are eternally blessed to have you for their Forever Mom.

I hope today is treating you and each of your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Monique, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Mike_j]

Hi Monique,

I saw this shortly after reading the story of your loss. I thought
of you and hope that this provides some comfort.

Smile through the Tears!

[Monique]

Thank you so much, moon_beam and Mike_J. This forum is like no other, including contact with real people (many of whom just don't want to hear it anymore and I don't persist), in the very real and comforting support offered.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, our society in general, and sadly sometimes the people who are closest to us emotionally and geographically, do not understand - - and some deliberately refuse to understand - - that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member or friend. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here as a safe place where we can come to share what is in our hearts with those who DO understand. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, Monique - - there are no "time limits" here - - no "expiration dates".

I hope today is treating you and each of your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Monique, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Monique]

thank you so much for taking the time to visit and check in to see how i'm doing. i hope that, in giving so much support to others, that you are doing well.

lately i have been drowning in a kind of quick sand and want to write, as this also organizes my thoughts, and then i lose the drive or become distracted with other things, or am so overcome by fatigue that every step is a challenge. the first thing i saw today was a new entry about a dear cat killed by a dog... omg, i understand completely the entire trauma, as i have had this happen as well. this loss continues to haunt me and despite the many years since this happened, i have yet to fully face it. it is so very, very painful. again guilt rears its ugly head and i run and hide. with so many animals, the types of loss covers a very wide gamut. this past weekend, i lost on of my button quail hens, jessie. no signs of trauma or illness. she was about 18-19 months old, which is actually a full life for a hen laying eggs. she was finally growing back feathers on her back. i used to have her with three others and the only way i could resolve territoriality issues was to separate her with the little one she came with, and peace returned to the quails. she was my favorite. her little companion, jaden, now sits alone. i'm working to get additional quail, hopefully this weekend. in as much as i need for my animal population to go down in numbers, i cannot let a bird sit by himself. that is so desperately sad and not good for the emotional health of the bird. (as a matter of fact, there are few animals that fare well without their own kind around for comfort, interaction, and social order...)

in this same habitat, i have diamond doves, and lost two females over the last few months. these appeared to be premature deaths. that left two, also females. as i adopted them all when they were very young, there was no way to definitively sex them, and so i discovered that they were laying egg after egg, and spent way too much time in the nest. despite removing the eggs, they continued to lay eggs, crowding into the nest. i kept thinking they knew what they were doing... this egg laying and crowding in the nest may have done these two in. no signs of trauma or illness or dehydration or starvation. i adopted two more and one is a male. i also changed out the nest so they have more room, and all appears to be going well for the moment. i mourn for these young lives.

i used to keep parakeets with the doves, and all went well for over a year, and then i lost several diamond doves that appeared to have been attacked by the parakeets. i learned too late, that their injuries were not from mating or territoriality issues among the diamond doves. i still feel much guilt for these losses. two had injuries, and two additional ones passed due to the sheer trauma of losing their companions. these losses are not by far as difficult as losing, say, mackenzie. but, my heart hurts for these little lives. the bird world is a very difficult one, and life is very fragile. diamond doves and button quail are such sweet, peace loving animals and i feel i failed them.

i designed and had built huge aviaries, the one where the button quail, diamond doves, and finches live, is a walk-in, about 8' high. aside from the fact that my financial outlay was great, i wanted to improve the lives of my birds and facilitate care and cleaning, while also ensuring my birds are safe from my cats. despite my efforts, my birds suffered.

so, my losses continue, 14 so far this year. the number is staggering and surreal somehow. i go on. more need me. this in the midst of huge issues worldwide (ebola, national issues, the plight of animals,...). losses across the board are highlighting and bringing my own mortality to my attention.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and all the precious creatures great and small who are entrusted to your loving, dedicated care. We humans are a species who learn by doing most of the time through much discovery of what works and what doesn't. What worked before may not work for every precious creature - - so we "invent a better mouse trap" in our efforts to improve the care of our precious charges. There is no doubt you have ALWAYS done the best you can for every precious life you have embraced into your heart and home, and there is no doubt in my mind that each beloved being will be waiting for you in heaven's perfect garden when it is your appropriate time to join them in eternal joy. At this glorious reunion they will escort you through the garden introducing you to everyone there.

Indeed, there are many horrifying events that occur in our personal lives as well as in our global world, and I join you in my thoughts and prayers for those of every life form who are so adversely affected that they will know and feel comfort, support, encouragement, and hope at all times in all circumstances.

I hope today is treating you and each of your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Monique, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam