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[Snapdragon]

Just this Tuesday, March 11, we lost our 16-yr old cat to lung cancer. She was getting old and I knew the day was coming that I'd lose her. We had her from a baby and she was just that--my "baby." We didn't know she had lung cancer until we took her to the vet because of a cough she'd developed, but turned out to be lung cancer and the vet said she had maybe a week to live. We decided to not let her suffer and just put her to sleep then and there. I am heartbroken beyond words. At this point in time I just really wish I could die too. And I'm not a "weak" person by any means, but this really feels like more than I can handle. I honestly can't imagine how I'll ever get over her. I think of the bezillion people who have lost loved ones (people and pets) who seem to get "over" it, get on with their lives, but honestly, right now, it seems an impossibility. All I can think is that I just wish I was dead. (and no, I'm not going to kill myself--but I wish I could) I feel like I'm just walking around in a fog right now, I couldn't care less about anything. And what does make it all the worse (if that's possible) is I just feel like no one understands.

[DannysMom]

Snapdragon, I am sorry for your loss. You will never get "over it", but you will get "through it". There is a difference. The grief journey is all about adjusting to life without the beloved fur kid. I lost my sweet Tina to lung cancer back in April of 2012. I had to let her go when she had trouble breathing and was down to 6.8 pounds. Steroid shots helped keep her alive, but she continued to lose weight.

The first days and weeks are always the hardest. It feels like your heart will just burst from all the pain and all you can do is cry. But it will pass. In time the waves of grief will be less intense and less frequent. The best you can do is be good to yourself and get as much rest as you can. It can help writing a journal about your cat and putting together a photo album/scrapbook. You could also plant something in her honor. These are all small ways to deal with the grief and the pain. The best thing to do is to just cry and let it out. The grief journey is different for everyone, and there is no set time when you should feel better, but generally speaking 3 months is a good indicator. It takes about 2 to 3 months for the worst of the grief to subside.



Hugs,
DannysMom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Snapdragon, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved feline companion. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Snapdragon, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time - - with the reassurance that you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Although clinical professionals recognize that the grief journey for a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member or friend, sadly our society in general - - and sometimes the people who are closest to us emotionally and geographically - - do not. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here as a safe place where we can come to share what is in our hearts without the fear of judgment or recrimination.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief when you share with us: "I am heartbroken beyond words. At this point in time I just really wish I could die too. And I'm not a "weak" person by any means, but this really feels like more than I can handle. I feel like I'm just walking around in a fog right now, I couldn't care less about anything."

When our companions come into our hearts and homes our lives are changed for the better. They literally become the center of our universe. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again with the enormous painful task of re-defining our lives and establishing "new normals" that no longer include their sweet precious physical presence. This is a very painful adjustment - - both emotionally and physically. During the very deep grief - - the minutes, hours, days, and weeks immediately following the physical loss we experience the intense symptoms of enormous stress - - lack of appetite, insomnia - - or the opposite need for sleep without feeling refreshed upon awakening, lack of concentration, lack of control of our emotions, and the list goes on and on. AND there is the feeling like our hearts are literally breaking under the weight of the pain of our grief.

It is important that you give yourself the opportunties to release your deep grief in healthy ways. One of the ways our body deals with deep grief is crying. Scientific studies prove that the tears we cry are literally healing tears for they literally wash the toxins out of our body that build up from the stress of grief. And when your arms ache to hold your beloved companion, some of us have found that holding a toy, a blanket, a collar - - something that belongs only to your beloved compainon - - does help to ease the intense pain of not being able to hold your companion's sweet physical body. No, it isn't the same, but it does help to ease the enormous pain as you navigate your grief adjustment journey.

And as our forum friend DannsyMom has so compassionately shared with you - - there is NO "getting over" the physical absence of your beloved companion. Even 20 years down the road you will be thinking of your beloved companion and a feeling of sadness will creep into your heart and perhaps a mist will come to your eyes. But the GOOD NEWS is that these moments are not as intense or as frequent as they are now, and eventually instead of feeling this incredibly intense pain you will be able to remember your beloved companion and smile - -truly smile - - and feel the warmth of your many treasured memories you and your beloved companion share fill your heart.

As difficult as this deep grief journey is right now, there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved companion share. Love is eternal -- it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. I hope and pray that you will find comfort in knowing that your beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Snapdragon - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved companion with us, Snapdragon. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Snapdragon]

Thank you, moon beam, for you so very kind thoughts, and your caring. I expected that someday, when I lost Molly Rose, it would be hard. But I had no idea I'd feel like my life just ended. Seriously, that how it feels. I feel like I can't do anything but just sit here. I feel zero desire to do anything. No exaggeration. And I consider myself a fairly "strong" person, but I feel like I've just been cut off at the knees. I feel at an utter loss, and actually just wish I wasn't living right now at all. The pain is indescribable. And it so, so, so helps, though to know that others understand, really understand. So I guess there's nothing to do but to cry and wait, huh?
Thank you for asking for pictures of Molly...I think I uploaded them ok, so they may appear. It's the first time I've looked at her pictures...mixed feelings, great pain, but also I remembered how sweet she looked, and how happy she was with us. We spoiled her rotten; she had such a good life. And I guess I can be happy that I have no regrets for how we cared for her for 16 yrs--she was pampered and very-well taken care of. But, the hole in my heart is hemorrhaging pain right now. And at the risk of sounding overly-dramatic, I just can't imagine that pain ever going away. But thank you SO much for your caring--it's like a suave on my wound. Really.

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[Snapdragon]

DannysMom -
I just read your "story." Phew! I cried in many places. I was going to say something about some of your comments, but there ended up being so many that tugged at my heart. So, so, so, SO sad. Why is it that the pain is SO bad. And I am so sorry for the horrible ER vet experience you had to go through. And that you lost Tina just a few months later. I can't even imagine your pain and suffering. I am about crazy with pain right now, but to go through it twice in such a short time. But now, a couple of years later, it does sound like the intensity of your pain has let up. So, you give me hope, even though right now, truly, I can't even imagine a day that is not soaked in pain and emptiness. At this point I don't even want to live, if living means this kind of pain every day. I care about utterly nothing right now.
Thank you so much for your sharing. Your reaching out is a speck of help in what feels like a very, very lonely place right now. - Molly's mom

[DannysMom]

Snapdragon, thanks for reading about my Tina and Danny. After Danny died I was in so much pain and didn't want to do anything. It was really unbearable. I was not prepared for this sudden loss. Your Molly is a beautiful cat! I love her cute little white socks and those beautiful green eyes. I can see why you miss her so much. What a darling little cat!

Yes, now a couple of years later the intensity of the pain has definitely let up, even after a year I was fine except for the anniversary death date of course. But I was able to really function again and enjoy life again instead of feeling empty and drained all the time. I had such a close bond with my babies as I'm sure you had with your Molly. These sweet little souls are so much a part of our lives and bring us so much happiness. They are just like kids except that they don't grow up and move out of the house!

What helped me was adopting early, but this is a double-edged sword and I would not recommend it for everyone. But it balanced out the grief for me, even though I wasn't able to fully love my new friends while still in deep grief, but I gave what I could and what they gave me in return helped so much. A loving paw placed on my cheek when I cried, a snuggle...it all helped. It is just incredibly hard coming to terms with the loss and going through the grief process and adjusting to life without the beloved fur kid. I guess the only way really to spare ourselves such pain is to adopt a parrot....they are likely to outlive us.

It may help you to find comfort in small things...a sunny day, a walk in the park, feeding birds, cuddling cats at the local shelter, making some crafts, anything that you can find a little joy in.

Hugs,
DannysMom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Snapdragon, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and this wonderful picture of your beloved Molly Rose. She is sooo sweet.

The word "hemorrhagging" is quite descriptive of how we feel when we are in deep grief. During the deep grief it is impossible for us to imagine a time when we will be able to smile again - - to enjoy doing things again. But I assure you, as DannysMom has, that this day WILL come for you again - - in your own way and in your own time. Unfortunately there is no easy way to navigate this grief adjustment journey - - there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press that will speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. But I assure you, Snapdragon, that we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. There are no "expiration dates" here for us come to share what is in our hearts.

Thank you again so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Molly Rose with us, Snapdragon. I hope today is treating you kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Molly Rose's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Snapdragon]

Thanks you, all, for your OH so kind love and support.

Today is not going well. We are supposed to go to friends' house later for dinner. And all I want to do is die. This pain is indescribable, and I have no idea why. I did not have this degree of pain when my mom died, which actually makes me feel guilty. And I loved my mom; she was a good, kind person, and wonderful mother. But I absolutely don't remember this level of pain with her passing. I just DON'T understand it....I am a normally strong person. But this is just killing me. I would never kill myself, that is, for me, just so wrong on so many levels, for me. But I wish I could because the pain feels intolerable. I wish I were dead, I miss Molly SO much.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Being able to express the degree of my grief here is my only solace. Really. I just feel like I could explode with pain. I really have to get this pain out.

[jaspersmom]

Thank you, moon beam, for you so very kind thoughts, and your caring. I expected that someday, when I lost Molly Rose, it would be hard. But I had no idea I'd feel like my life just ended. Seriously, that how it feels. I feel like I can't do anything but just sit here. I feel zero desire to do anything. No exaggeration. And I consider myself a fairly "strong" person, but I feel like I've just been cut off at the knees. I feel at an utter loss, and actually just wish I wasn't living right now at all. The pain is indescribable. And it so, so, so helps, though to know that others understand, really understand. So I guess there's nothing to do but to cry and wait, huh?
Thank you for asking for pictures of Molly...I think I uploaded them ok, so they may appear. It's the first time I've looked at her pictures...mixed feelings, great pain, but also I remembered how sweet she looked, and how happy she was with us. We spoiled her rotten; she had such a good life. And I guess I can be happy that I have no regrets for how we cared for her for 16 yrs--she was pampered and very-well taken care of. But, the hole in my heart is hemorrhaging pain right now. And at the risk of sounding overly-dramatic, I just can't imagine that pain ever going away. But thank you SO much for your caring--it's like a suave on my wound. Really.

Hello Snapdragon. I was looking at the pictures you posted of your Molly Rose, and I wanted to tell you that she is absolutely beautiful, and you can just see that special sweetness in her eyes. I know how very much you are hurting right now, and your pain is still so new and intense, but I hope you will be able to fall back on that little bit of peace and comfort, in knowing what a wonderful and happy life you gave Molly. I truly believe that once in a lifetime, a very special companion will find us and come into our world, and they will find their way into our heart and our very soul, and no physical separation can ever break that connection we have with them. I am sure that Molly was and is your soulmate pet, that one in a milllion little snowflake, beautiful and special, and unlike any other.

The first few days after saying goodbye to Jasper, all I wanted to do was to go back to before he became so ill, to have just one more day, one more moment with him, but I know now that would never even be enough. Then I found myself wishing that I could fast forward the time, so maybe I would start to heal, and my grief would not be so sharp and raw, which is what you are feeling right now, I am sure. Well now I know that we can't do either, we can't go back and we can't go forward, but we can just try to get through one day at a time, one moment at a time. I am sure that you can understand this, but I would often wake up in the morning wondering how on earth my heart could still be beating after this loss, I have never felt such pain before and never ever want to again. I can so relate to your words and posts, and I did want you to know that what you are feeling is exactly how I felt those first few days, and I never thought that I would actually get to the stage I am at right now, whichever one that is, but I know it is not where I used to be, and I know I am taking baby steps every day toward healing, which will happen with you.

I wish I had the magic answer to heal your heart, but I still feel as though part of me is missing, and I probably will always feel that way. But I do believe that time is our friend here, and even though the deep sadness will still be there, it will be a softer and gentler sorrow, if there is such a thing, still very very hard, but not impossible to overcome. I have been through hardships and struggles in my life as I am sure you and everyone on this forum has, but this just brought me to my knees and rocked my very soul, and I can so feel the depth of sadness in your words, and my heart goes out to you.

I just wanted to let you know that I so understand where you are right now, and I wanted to let you know that you will not always be there, and just know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel, I finally found it and so will you, but it does take time, and the journey is not easy by any means, but you are not alone, and we are all here for you. Take care Snapdragon and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish you peace and comfort in the days ahead. I know one thing, even though you are hurting so badly right now, I am sure you would not give up even one single day you had with your Molly, as I would not with my Jasper, snowflakes are like that you know, so special and so beautiful, yet gone way too soon.

[Snapdragon]

Thank you, Jaspersmom. I can't even imagine going through this completely alone, without others who really understand. Yes, similar to what you said, I wonder how it is possible to suffer this much pain and still be breathing. This experience will give me a new depth of compassion and understanding for others--I don't see how one can go through this suffering and not be changed. But today, I would give anything to not be in this much pain. It's been five days.

We went to some good friends' house for dinner tonight. I had no idea how I'd do. But I did ok. "Ok" being, not breaking down crying. I tried to talk a little, even a forced smile. So, though it went ok, I felt dead inside. A new week tomorrow. I just as soon crawl into a hole and never come out. We'll see what this week brings.

Thank you again!! I really need the support right now. My hope is that, some day, I can reach out to someone and give them comfort and hope as well. Sometimes we just have to be the strength for someone else when they have none.

[Snapdragon]

Thanks, DannysMom, for your sweet comments about Molly. It feels unimaginable that this pain will ever go away. Intellectually I can say it will, and think so, but emotionally is feels unimaginable. So your words are a help.

It blows my mind that such a deep bond with our fur kids is possible. I knew Molly was my "baby"....in fact, I would often call her my "baby girl," but I guess I wasn't aware of just how deep that bond was. Being here, in this forum, has helped. It can be so hard to keep this all bottled up!!
Thank you SO much for sharing, for your comfort and support. Hugs to you.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Snapdragon, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief. There is no shame or guilt in what you share with us: "I did not have this degree of pain when my mom died, which actually makes me feel guilty. And I loved my mom; she was a good, kind person, and wonderful mother. But I absolutely don't remember this level of pain with her passing."

When our companions come into our hearts our lives are changed for the better. They accept us for who we are unconditionally. They don't care about our financial wealth - - or lack thereof, what our social status is, where we live - - be it in a tent, under an expressway overpass, in a modest structure, or a mansion. They just love us for who we are, and we surrender ourselves to them without reservation or fear of rejection. Our relationships with our human family members and friends is on a completely different level. Our human relationships include societal expectations - - to strive toward financial wealth on whatever level that may be, to live in an "acceptable" type of housing structure, to have social contacts both personally as well as for business / employment purposes, etc.. When these expectations are achieved or receive approval in our human relationships, these relationships prosper. When we do not meet with the standards of expectations, depending on the strength of the relationship it can either not have an impact with the relationship continuing to thrive or it can cause a significant decline to the point that the relationship ceases to exist.

The love you have for your mom is in no way diminished with the love you have for your beloved Molly Rose. It simply means that they are on separate and different levels. There are some people who think that we have to "choose" between the two. Clinical professionals recognize that this is unnecessary and unrealistic, for having a beloved companion in our hearts and lives - - for those of us who truly embrace them into our hearts and lives - - can bring us closer to the human relationships in our lives.

It is difficult putting on the "public face" when our hearts are entrenched in deep sorrow, so I know from first hand experience how difficult it was for you to endure the evening out having dinner with your friends. This is one example of the "social expectations" we have in our human relationships.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Snapdragon, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Molly Rose's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[kk0711]

Thanks, DannysMom, for your sweet comments about Molly. It feels unimaginable that this pain will ever go away. Intellectually I can say it will, and think so, but emotionally is feels unimaginable. So your words are a help.

It blows my mind that such a deep bond with our fur kids is possible. I knew Molly was my "baby"....in fact, I would often call her my "baby girl," but I guess I wasn't aware of just how deep that bond was. Being here, in this forum, has helped. It can be so hard to keep this all bottled up!!
Thank you SO much for sharing, for your comfort and support. Hugs to you.

Hello Snapdragon,

First off I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Molly. She was quite beautiful and had such a sweet face. Thank you also for your condolences and comments on my beautiful Ari, he was the light of our lives and we miss him so. I completely understand how hard this is, truly one of the saddest and painful times I can ever recall. I too consider myself strong and the unflappable type. However that may also be one of the reasons we take our losses so hard. For me I thought that I could always be strong and protect my baby from anything bad that could happen to him. What this experience is teaching me is that I cannot control everything, no matter how hard I plan, how much I spend or or how often I pray. It has been truly humbling for me and I appreciate all the kind and compassionate mommies and daddies in this forum, who have not only had their own devastating losses but have been kind enough to listen and offer me words of wisdom and practical advice to help me though.

I can tell you it gets a little better with more time but I still cry almost every day, I just have more control of when and where now. We are excited to get our new babies in a few weeks (we saw them last night) but I am also terrified of losing another one so young again. I have had my last three cats die before age 9 and it makes me so afraid to love again. But I also know that I am not complete without the presence of a cat in my life, I simply am a better person for having them in my life and the legacy that each baby has left me is so precious. I am honored to have known them. I found this little piece of writing about dogs, not sure who wrote it but as I was debating getting another baby( or two), it spoke to me and I changed it to cats:

Every time I have loved a cat and lost it, the cat takes a piece of my heart with it. And every one has left a piece of their hearts with me.
If I am lucky to live long enough maybe all the pieces of my imperfect human heart will go with them
And my heart will have been replaced by one filled with the love of all the cats who have loved me.

[Snapdragon]

Every time I have loved a cat and lost it, the cat takes a piece of my heart with it. And every one has left a piece of their hearts with me.
If I am lucky to live long enough maybe all the pieces of my imperfect human heart will go with them
And my heart will have been replaced by one filled with the love of all the cats who have loved me.

Thanks you kk for sharing that. It is sweet. And thank you for writing.

If I've been at 100% pain for the last week, I'd have to say today may have been at 99%. I didn't cry today until logging into the forum. But, even though I went through the day without tears, I still feel so, SO dead inside. And I still wish I could just close my eyes and be dead. The pain is still horrid and unrelenting. And I find I just don't want to talk to anyone about anything. Not just not wanting to talk about Molly, maybe for fear of just doing nothing but cry, but I just simply don't want to talk to anyone. At all. Poor hubby, I could go all day and not say two words to him. I just feel like I want to curl up into a ball. I guess I feel that, next to losing Molly, nothing else matters. That may be it. I just don't care....about anything. omg, I had no inkling her loss would be this horrifically painful.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Snapdragon, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Right now during the deep grief nothing else matters - - and this is very normal. During the deep grief we measure time by the minutes, hours, days, weeks, - - and yes months - - that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us. But I promise you it will not always be this way. Slowly, at first quite imperceptibly, you will find yourself thinking of something else, someone else, and you will realize that the deep sorrow in your heart is not so consuming. Some people think that when this happens they are forgetting their beloved companion, but I assure you, Snapdragon, this will NEVER happen - - no matter how much time continues in your earthly journey you will ALWAYS remember your beloved Molly Rose. NOTHING in heaven or on earth can ever diminish your treasured memories or the eternal love bond you and your beloved Molly Rose share.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Snapdragon, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Molly Rose's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[kk0711]

Every time I have loved a cat and lost it, the cat takes a piece of my heart with it. And every one has left a piece of their hearts with me.
If I am lucky to live long enough maybe all the pieces of my imperfect human heart will go with them
And my heart will have been replaced by one filled with the love of all the cats who have loved me.

Thanks you kk for sharing that. It is sweet. And thank you for writing.

If I've been at 100% pain for the last week, I'd have to say today may have been at 99%. I didn't cry today until logging into the forum. But, even though I went through the day without tears, I still feel so, SO dead inside. And I still wish I could just close my eyes and be dead. The pain is still horrid and unrelenting. And I find I just don't want to talk to anyone about anything. Not just not wanting to talk about Molly, maybe for fear of just doing nothing but cry, but I just simply don't want to talk to anyone. At all. Poor hubby, I could go all day and not say two words to him. I just feel like I want to curl up into a ball. I guess I feel that, next to losing Molly, nothing else matters. That may be it. I just don't care....about anything. omg, I had no inkling her loss would be this horrifically painful.

Dear Snapdragon,

I am so sorry you are feeling so hopeless right now but I am glad you might be at 99% pain at least for today. I have learned that it comes and goes and it is not a straight line for sure. Please know that it does get better but we have to go through the "eye of the storm" and feel out grief and let it come out and yes, it hurts more than we ever imagined. I have lost my babies before and it's always an unbearable pain but this has been the worst for me for a lot of reasons. I do go to pet loss support groups regularly as well as come to this forum. Just to be able to express what I am feeling with others who also feel it is a tremendous comfort. I too, felt like I wanted to die, I have never felt that way before in my life. Shocking and scary. But please try and take care of yourself. If you don't want to talk, don't talk. If you want to cry, cry and sometimes when you don't want to cry, you will anyway and it's ok. Go ahead and curl up into a ball if you want to for awhile. When I finally ate, I had the biggest bowl of ice cream you could imagine, it comforted me. Do whatever feels like it is comforting to you but we need to feel what we are feeling, if you know what I mean?. It's all ok. It will get easier to manage but this is all fresh, raw and devastating for you. Journaling and writing about the memories of all the funny things my Ari did makes me smile...and cry. I have made peace with the fact, I will be crying regularly for awhile and maybe forever sometimes when I think of him. It doesn't make me weak, it makes me feel that the price we pay for the tremendous love of our beloved companion animals is the unconsolable grief that happens when they leave us. I am not 100% ok with that right now but I hope to be some day and remember Ari with more smiles than tears. Snapdragon, I am thinking positive thoughts about you and wish for you to take care of yourself and if possible, let you husband take care of you a bit. Mine felt comfort in comforting me. He is as devastated as I am but I recognize we all grieve in different ways and by allowing him to help me, who is always so strong and doesn't need help, it helped him with his grief. We also did personal memorial for Ari and it was lovely and moving and although my husband didn't say anything( he rarely does), I know how much we both appreciated commemorating all that our precious baby was to us. We were and are still a family, and always will be and that truly, truly matters.

[Snapdragon]

Thanks, kk! Yes, it is “inconsolable grief” isn’t it? Yesterday was one week since Molly’s death. Although I don’t feel like I’m going to go mad with pain now, the pain still feels as intense. And I still feel as though I wish I were dead. –and, it does help being able to say that!!!! I told a good friend here in town that I just wish I were dead and she really didn’t like me saying that. But that’s how I feel!!! I need to say it—and I still do wish I were just dead…the pain of loss is so horrible. I do believe—in my head—that it will “get better.” I do. But what I also know is that right now, the pain still feels unbearable. Thank you for your words and your hope.

[Snapdragon]

Ten days. Today a friend, who is out of town travelling, sent me an email and asked if I'd like to get together Friday of next week to "catch up." I wrote back saying no, I didn't think I wanted to plan anything. But I'm thinking "...are you crazy?!! I'm sick with grief, I don't want to 'catch up'...I could care less about 'catching up.'" I feel like a zombie, like a shell of who I was, lifeless and I couldn't care less about anything. I understand that some people apparently are able to just "move on" when they lose a beloved pet--I don't quite get it, and I almost envy them, that they get a 'pass card' on all this grief. And, conversely, they seem to be clueless, utterly clueless, no idea, about my pain.

So, I have to say, after ten days I don't feel that black, black, black, blinding pain--the red/white hot searing pain that had me begging to die. But, I also have to say that the utter emptiness, loneliness, pain and longing I feel from missing Molly isn't a whole lot better. I still wake up in the morning dreading another day. Dreading. Wondering how I'm ever going to really "go on" on a long term basis. It's really becoming sort of a feeling of despair. No one could have ever told me how painful this was going to be--if they had, I likely would not have believed them.

I bought an urn pendant today. I think it'll give me some wee measure of comfort to have some of Molly's ashes with me, that I can wear on my person.

I am thinking this may be the way it will be for a goodly while...who knows? Months? Many, many months? I tell myself that Molly is gone now, she's in a "better place"--wherever that is, does her consciousness continue? is she somehow aware of her transition? in any case, she's not suffering, she's not the one left behind in pain, so good for her. But it's true, I've heard others say this, I do hear something and turn thinking I'll see her, I look at the glass door waiting for her to show up. And the pain just wells up inside. Oh what a horrible thing for a person to have to go through.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Snapdragon, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Each person's grief journey is different, but please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us: "I also have to say that the utter emptiness, loneliness, pain and longing I feel from missing Molly isn't a whole lot better. I still wake up in the morning dreading another day. Dreading. Wondering how I'm ever going to really "go on" on a long term basis. It's really becoming sort of a feeling of despair." Ten days is just the beginning of this grief adjustment journey, Snapdragon, but I promise you one day when you least expect it you WILL begin to find a peace in your heart which will replace the current feelings of despair and dreading the days. As your deep grief eases you will be able to focus more easily on the many treasured memories you and your beloved Molly Rose share.

Until this time comes for you, Snapdragon, please remember we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Snapdragon, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Molly Rose's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[puppy]

Just this Tuesday, March 11, we lost our 16-yr old cat to lung cancer. She was getting old and I knew the day was coming that I'd lose her. We had her from a baby and she was just that--my "baby." We didn't know she had lung cancer until we took her to the vet because of a cough she'd developed, but turned out to be lung cancer and the vet said she had maybe a week to live. We decided to not let her suffer and just put her to sleep then and there. I am heartbroken beyond words. At this point in time I just really wish I could die too. And I'm not a "weak" person by any means, but this really feels like more than I can handle. I honestly can't imagine how I'll ever get over her. I think of the bezillion people who have lost loved ones (people and pets) who seem to get "over" it, get on with their lives, but honestly, right now, it seems an impossibility. All I can think is that I just wish I was dead. (and no, I'm not going to kill myself--but I wish I could) I feel like I'm just walking around in a fog right now, I couldn't care less about anything. And what does make it all the worse (if that's possible) is I just feel like no one understands.