Hello Everyone :-), new here...my story.. Options

[trish]

Hi ya, I must say I was so relieved to find a site like this, I hope I can heal through support of others who understand me..I am a 32 year old female who feels like a lost sad child all over again..I lost my pets (four in total) within a four year span..Tigger (cat)first to go was 16 yrs in March 2001,Lync(cat) was 13 yrs he left sept 2001,Ming(cat) was 15yrs (my baby who I watched being born) he left me Sept 2004 and my Shanna (dog rottweiller) 10yrs old who left me Nov 2004..My first two cats i was sad very sad , when they died but life eventually continued for me ...I am really having a hard time losing my Ming and my Shanna, Shanna most of all, she's the first dog I have owned to die..Even before she died friends would say I dont want to be around when Shanna goes it was that obvious how much I loved her.It sounds awful( i dearly loved all my pets) but my Shanna and Ming were my loves :-) I cry so much now, I try to hide from people how much I cry, as most people cannot understand how I feel, and i just feel silly crying around someone.To tell the truth I dont really have anyone to talk to about how hurt I am....I never in a million years thought life would be so cruel to take my friends from me so close together, my only solice is they must be all together now at the rainbow bridge.Shanna went through lukemia ,I prayed so much and went to church, I put holy water and oils over her, I did everything I could do..I have literally created a financial debt(which has added so much stress on my marriage) that I cannot get out of for a very long time(trying to save my furry friends)I feel so alone now, I remember Shanna as they put her to sleep, her paws were so swollen she cried, as they tried different paws for the euthanasia.I'll never forget how she lay there trusting me while they put her to sleep....Just minutes before she barked at the vet when he knocked to say it was time, till the end my dog who was in bad shape protected me..She would not eat for anyone, I would sit in her cage in her urine(i could not care at the time for my clothing, I just wanted to be near my friend and she was leaking badly) I whispered in her ear how much I love her and how special and wonderful she was, I told her I prayed to God that in her next life she deserved to be human not an animal at a humans mercy..I begged her to eat and she did, my dog did, but nothing could be done....as she lay dying at the vet my dog who loved and followed solely me everywhere,kept telling my husband something, she was very determined to tell him, the vet technician even noticed her trying to tell him something.In my heart I know now my dog knew she was dying and was telling my hubby to take care of me, she always worried about me my dog did!I am not working right now, during the day I am alone,I cry and hold my dogs urn, I cry even harder when I realize it's forever that I will never see her again...It's been about 4 months and the pain is not lessening, it is more intense, my heart feels sore, I can feel an ache inside me..I cannot go near her park where I walked her, often I turn to see my shadow dog and she is no longer there where she once was..I cry as i write this posting, my faithful friend after loving me so long only knew at the end that I was responsible for her hurt(at the vet) I hurt so much to know that she loved me and all I could do for her in the end was hurt her by trying to save her......Will my pain ever go away?????? Trish.....