How To Go On... Options

[Meadowlark]

My beloved Gina left us two days ago on Sunday, November 27th, 2011.
There is no words to accurately describe what my husband & I are going through at this time. I feel like my life is empty.

She was 12 years old, and was plagued with medical problems since the day we adopted her from a shelter I worked at in July 2007.
We thought she had a seizure last weekend (she was epileptic), but a few days later she was having trouble getting a deep breath.
It turned out that what she had had was a heart attack, and had developed severe heart disease. We were absolutely shocked.
She had fluid in her lungs. The only treatment for that would have been the extreme opposite of the treatment that she was undergoing for her severe kidney disease.
We had been giving her sub-q fluids every day for a long time now, but in the end it was speeding up the process of her failing heart.
And we had no idea. Her vet had heard a small murmur months ago, but every time we went back (which was sadly very often), she never heard it again.

In the end, there was nothing we could do. Her kidneys were already considered to be in total failure for a long time. Her levels were over triple the normal levels.

She had developed a few behavioral changes in the last few months of her life. Chewing on our arms & crying, like she was trying to tell us something. No vet or animal
behaviorist could explain that other than dementia. It was still so painful to see her so sad & confused at times. She never hurt us though. She just seemed so desperate at times. It broke our hearts.

I feel guilty because I wanted her to pass away in the comfort of our home & I didn't give that to her. She died in an animal hospital. A cold animal hospital with smells of rubbing alcohol & fear, surrounded by sterile metal objects. No warmth. The only thing we could give her in her last moment was our presence & love, and a fleece blanket she loved.

I keep seeing her fade away after they injected the sedative & then the poison. I feel like I failed her somehow, having her put to sleep.
That day we had planned on taking her home & having her euthanized the next day, so that we could have one more night together.
But when they brought her into the room to see us, it seemed she was already partially checked out. She always gave us kisses, she would actually lick our cheeks like a dog might. And she managed on that day to give my husband and I each a kiss on the cheek. And a part of me thought if she could do that we should bring her home.
But deep in my heart, I feel that it was her way of saying that it was okay, that she was tired but still loved us enough to gather the strength to give us one last kiss. But sometimes I feel like we should have had one more night. I'm so confused...

I don't know who I am not having her in my life. Everything reminds me of her.

The windows still have nose smudges from her that I can't bear to wipe away.

She always preferred drinking from a human glass, so we always had one on our living room coffee table.

We always kept a chair in front of our bed so she would have an easier time getting up & down.

Her window perch, where she most loved to sleep, is still up. It's unbearable to think about taking it down, but it's also unbearable to look at.
It still has her fur on it.

I'm still finding fur on the floor & my clothing, and pieces of litter throughout our apartment.

I feel lost without caring for her, giving her meals, and medicines & fluids.

I'm still doing things out of habit like making sure the bedroom door is open enough for her to get in & out of.

When I open the blinds I always make sure the cord is tucked away so that she couldn't hurt herself with it.

Not seeing her food bowls in the entryway, or her litterbox. There is no too much space without all of her stuff.

Everything reminds me of her absence.

I can't stop picturing her last moment. I keep counting the hours, days she's been gone.

My husband and I keep thinking that we see her in the corner of our eyes, but then realize it's only something else. And our hearts break all the more.

She's never coming back & I don't know how handle this. She was my best friend & soul mate.

I wish that I believed in an afterlife so that I know that she would be there waiting for me when I died,
and that she would be free of her problems...no more kidney or heart disease, no more epilepsy, no more anemia, she would no longer be deaf. She would have all of the yummy food that she wanted, as opposed to her strict k/d diet. She wouldn't have to be poked with needles every day. She would just be joyful. And that's what she was here. She was pure joy & unconditional love.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Meadowlark, please permit me to offer you and your husband my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Gina. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions on this side of eternity - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Meadowlark, please let me try to reassure you and your husband that what you are going through is NORMAL GRIEF. When our companions come into our hearts and lives, our lives are changed for the better. They give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them completely without reservation or fear of rejection. Our companions are totally dependent upon us for their every need - - physically, emotionally, medically. We live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of taste, touch, sight, sound, and smell. Every time our companions touch us - - and we touch them - - we form a physical bond with them. When they precede us to the angels, this physical bond is broken - - which intensifies the seering emotional pain of our grief journey. This is why it is important to find ways to help bridge this physical bond, particularly during the deep grief. For instance, when my companions have joined the angels, I literally slept with their collar under my pillow and had a blanket or toy that I could hold when the pain of not being able to hold them and touch them was so overwhleming to the point that it was excruciatingly unbearable. No, it isn't the same as touching and holding them, but that collar, toy, blanket, etc., is a PART OF THEM, and holding onto that blanket, collar, toy, etc., does help.

This is REAL PAIN you and your husband are dealing with, so it is important that you find healthy ways to help ease this pain during your grief journey.

The good news is that the love bond you and your beloved Gina share is eternal. It is NOT limited to or governed by the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Gina is forever a part of you in your heart and your memories. She continues to share your earthly journey just as she always has and always will. There may be times when you hear a sound or feel a touch - - but nothing is VISIBLE. Please know you are NOT imagining things - - you are NOT going crazy. This IS your beloved Gina letting you know she is still with you.

You and your husband are going through a very real physical and emotional challenge of re-inventing who you are and establishing a "new normal" in your lives that does not include the PHYSICAL routines of your beloved Gina. And this is INCREDIBLY hard, and can only be accomplished one day at a time, - - sometimes one moment at a time. Some of the many questions we ask ourselves in this time of deep grief is "who am I now", "what do I do now", " how do I go on from here" - - and so on. We are now faced with the incredibly hard task of finding a way to live our lives in a way that will honor the eternal love we are blessed to cherish with our beloved companions.

Meadowlark, this grief journey is filled with so many ups and downs twists and turns and turnarounds - - it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Although we can only travel our grief journeys in our own way and in our time it is vitally important for you and your husband to know beyond all shadow of a doubt that you are NOT alone. You are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I know these are words, and I know there are no adequate words in any language that can begin to soothe the seering pain that you are feeling in your hearts and your lives. I can only hope that as you read the words I share with you that you will somehow feel the genuine comfort and encouragement behind them - - and the hope - - that someday, probably when you least expect it - - you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Gina and you will find yourself smiling - - genuinely smiling - - and your heart filled with the warmth of her forever love. This will be a GOOD THING for this is what your beloved Gina wants for you, and her heart will sing for joy.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Gina with us, Meadowlark. Please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Meadowlark]

Moon beam,

Thank you so much for your kind words.

I'm not usually one who would use the internet for emotional issues, but this site has been the only thing keeping me from crying all of the time.
To see others that have loved their companions so much.

I just feel like it will never get better.

I've never had to deal with death this close to me, it's all so final. It's making me crazy.

I feel like this emptiness & hurt in my heart will go on forever. I just keep feeling like I need to wake up from a horrific nightmare.

[Meadowlark]

It's been 3 days now, and the pain is still as intense as if it had just happened an hour ago.

I don't know what to do with myself. I sit here at home, looking around at where her stuff used to be. I thought putting it away would help.
Seeing her things reminded me of her absence.
Now, not seeing her things remind me of her absence.

People don't talk about what you need to do in order to function. What do you do when you come home from the hospital when they don't come home with you.

My husband and I are a young married couple with no kids. She was our child.

I have no job to go to every day to try & numb the pain because I am not physically able to work at this time due to an ongoing illness.

I feel there is no escaping this pain. I know that grief needs to run its course, but I've never had to deal with a death this close to home.

I feel like it will never get better.

Bedtime is the worst. That was her favorite time with us.

I cry myself to sleep every night, my husband tries to comfort me, but no amount of tears or comfort will bring her back.

I am beside myself with grief & guilt.

[BonniesMom]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Gina. I can tell she meant the world to you and your husband. She was a lucky girl to be so loved and so well taken care of. She knows you did everything you could to help her.

My Yorkie passed in July from kidney failure, she was blind due to diabetes and she was going deaf, so I understand what you mean about your Gina no longer having to go through any of those bad things. I believe all our babies have gone on to the next life and are happy and healthy again. No more pills or poking with needles or any of that bad stuff. Only good things will happen to them from now on.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hoping you will feel better in the days to come.

[Meadowlark]

Thank you, BonniesMom. I am so sorry that you lost your baby to kidney failure. Such a horrible disease.

I keep thinking in the back of my mind that with her ongoing health problems, I would be more at peace with her passing. But I'm just not.

The thought of her being gone forever is something that I can't comprehend. I've been struggling with my faith in God & the afterlife for years, and this has made it worse.

I asked her to come into my dreams the past two nights. And both times she was there, but only for a few seconds.

But then I suddenly wake & realize that she isn't here. It was just a dream. And it makes me sob uncontrollably all over again.

I know that one isn't supposed to try to predict how long they will grieve, it doesn't help.

But I'm scared that I will never be able to accept that she's gone forever. I just want the promise that I'll see her again someday. But my faith in anything after this life is sadly amiss...

[Cheryl83]

Hi Meadowlark,

I am so very sorry for the physical loss of your beloved Gina -- she's such a beautiful looking girl. I bet her soul is just as pretty!

One thing you said in your post really struck me:

I don't know who I am not having her in my life.

I was just reading over my own thread (called "Just when I thought I was doing well...") that I started a year and a half ago, when I lost my bunny, Daisy - the sweetest bunny that ever lived - and this concern of feeling lost and not knowing who I was any more seemed to be a central theme throughout. I even wrote a poem to try and make sense of what I was feeling and I posted it in that thread. I thought I would share it with you here, just so you know that I understand what it is you're going through, and maybe you will be able to identify with it yourself:

--
I don’t know who I am without you
when you died you took a part of me with you
the better part of me
the happy, complete part
I don’t know what you left behind
all I know is - it isn’t me
not the real me
not the person I want to be
I feel so lost without your love
you were my constant
no matter what was going on in my life
I always had you
and that was enough
now I feel like I could be given the world
and I still wouldn’t be happy
you were my world
I miss you so much
but it’s more than that
I think I know why this is so hard
for I’m not just grieving your loss
I’m grieving the person I was when I had you
you see, the day you died
I didn’t just lose you
... I lost myself too
--

I hope reading it didn't make you too sad. I just remember that when I posted it another forum member said that although it made her cry, it really helped her to make sense of things.

The point that I want to make is that it you won't always feel this way. It might not seem like it now, but with lot's of time and tears, you WILL find yourself again. You will never 'get over' losing your precious Gina, and you will never be the same again, but you will learn to adjust to a kind of 'new you'. This new you does not have to be a you without Gina. She will always be with you; always a part of you. The love and memories are yours to keep forever.

Hope this helps a little. Hang in there, and take care of yourself.
Cheryl x

[Bobbie]

Dear Meadowlark,

First let me offer my deepest condolences on the loss of your magnificent Gina. Losing a companion that we love so very much is one of the hardest things to bear on this earth. I had to put my beloved Trevor to sleep just over 18 weeks ago and I still have the scars of that time. But this is not about me. It's about you and your husband and your wonderful Gina.

As Moon_Beam so eloquently told you, this grief journey is one long road of ups and downs, questions and confusion, strong emotions and misunderstanding. The ups are good, but the downs seem like they can kill you in the beginning. Oh, Meadowlark, you two are just at the beginning of this journey. Please, please give yourself plenty of time and space to travel the grief road on your own terms. Be assured that Gina is right there with you. Her Spirit lives on, in your heart, your soul, your thoughts and your actions. She will never, ever leave you, as she had to with her physcal body. Everything that you are describing is absolutely NORMAL part of grieving. You put your heart and soul into making Gina comfortable and happy. And you did a great job. In doing so, you opened a place in your heart that, unbeknownst to you, was going to have to be strong enough to give Gina the ultimate gift: that of releasing her from pain and suffering to go over he Rainbow Bridge to a much better Spirit-place that I call Heaven. You can call this wonderful place anything that gives you peace of mind. Even those of us who have lost more than one companion over the years, find that each time we pour out our love to our best friend(s), our hearts are shredded and our souls are crushed. This is the responsiblity we accept when we take an animal into our lives and love them with everything we have. And I can tell from your words that you absolutely adored Gina. And in return you received unconditional, total love from Gina. And that is just about impossible, right now, to physically live without.

I personally think some of the best things you can do for Gina and yourselves are to talk about your feelings or write them here. Let us carry some of the awful burden you are left with. Tell us what your pain is all about (like). Tell us or whomever over an over until there is a bit f relief. I, too, do not work due to medical issues, so I completely understand the emptiness that you are experiencing. You could fill that time by making some kind of memorial to Gina in your apartment/home. I have pictures and little love notes to Trevor in every room of my house, including the bathroom and in the basement. I sleep with a small, framed picture of Trevor wrapped in a piece of one of his favorite blankets, in my arms, next to my heart, every single night. In the morning his picture goes back on my nightstand and the blanket rests on my pillows. Trevor needed lots of potty pads (A LOT) during the last several months of his life and they coverd our downstairs and upstairs bedroom. I took two pads and wrote love notes on them and they are still hanging up: one in the kitchen and one in the upstiars hallway. I took weeks to slowly remove one pad at a time. That was all I could do because I felt like I was betraying his memory if I did things any quicker. Water stayed in his water bowls for weeks (I changed it regularly, too.), the conforters he layed on are still in the extra bedroom, although I was able to move them from our bedroom and living room. They are not washed and will never be. Every morning I light a small memorial candle to Trevor and keep it on the stove, only extinguishnig it when we go to bed at night. Little written notes are on them, too. I am planning on making a super collage of every one of his pictures. WE had him for just 2 years and 2 months. Again, these are the things that have helped me on my grief journey. There are many other ideas that you will either find out about or do on your own. And they are all OK. They can stay in place for a long as you and your husband want them to. Gina was your beloved companion, no one elses', so you choose what makes you feel better and connected to Gina.

There is no way to "escape" your pain. It will find you, so try embracing it as a tetimony to the love you and Gina shared. I assure you, that will ease with time. Time IS the greatest healer of all. It won't feel like that, for you, yet because your loss is so current and fresh. Things WILL get better, but only at a pace that is right for you and your husband. Don't rush things. There is no reason to. You are not going to be "stuck" in this level of pain and grief forever. Feeling more at peace may eve catch you by surprise, as it did me. I would realize, one day, that something didn't feel quite as awful as it had and I thought "I must be getting better." And I think I was. Crying, I call it "leaking eyes", is a very healthy way to grieve. It literally washes toxins from our body and uses a lot of that extra enegy we have. No, crying will not bring Gina back, but each and every tear you shed is filled with your love for Gina and she knows it better than anyone. Bedtime, is also my worst time. That is why I am on this site almost every night, still. I now write love notes to Trevor. One love note per day. Before that I wrote a lot about Trevor, his illnesses and his passing, my grief and my loneliness. One benefit of writing everything down, even on this site, is that you can print it out whenever you want to and keep it tucked away. I have a wiine The Pooh small chest that I have put the most important items (including my letters) from each boy (doggie) that I have lived with. They are safe and available to me at any time.

I have had the good fortune to have all, but my first boy, euthanized in our home. That ma sound gross to some, but I was blessed to have to time to do so. It comforts me to no end, knowing where each of my boys took their final breaths with me and their daddy stroking them and soothing them in those final moments. Even then, it is a crushing time when we came back from the cemetery and our boy wasn't there anymore. What do you do? I know I cried like a baby and often barely made it to the couch to sob and sob my heart out. I went to each boy's favoirte spot and lied there for hours. My husband took the day off from work an just sat. I also talked about him, in bits and pieces at first and then more and more. I constantly told everyone how much I missed each boy and how wonderful he was. I even sent out a general email to family and friends who knew the boy, telling them of his passing. I got a ton of wonderful, supportive replies and printed every single one. They are all in my Pooh chest.

Meadowlark, all I can tell you about functioning, is that you only have to DO whatever you can and not a stitch more. Housework can wait, meals can be gotten from the outside, etc. Right now you are in a state of severe shock. That is taking over your mind and body and there's not a whole lot you can do about it. Yes, if you were able to work outside the home, it would help for a few hours, but then you would come home again. My sister, Gretta's mom (Jeanne), had to go back to work right away after her Gretta passed and it was no easier than when my Trevor passed and I was alone. This time of year makes getting out to go to a park or whatever harder, too, because of the colder weather. I still bundle up and drive to the cemetery and sit there, in the cold. It's what I want to do and that makes things a tiny bit better. Don't look for leaps and bounds. Take those baby steps that lead to relief. It will happen. It will come. I promise you.

Meanwhile, you have every single one of us Lightning-Strikers here for you 24/7. We are from all over the world, so someone will be awake to read posts almost all the time. Your posts will be read and understood. While this is your first experience with the awful reality of a companion's death, all of us have "been there - done that" and truly know what you are talking about. So visit this site whenever you want to. Share your love of Gina with us. We'd love to see pictures and hear memories of a wonderful girl. And please try to get a little rest, even if sleep eludes you. And don't forget to eat! Nourishment is very important during this stressful time. I will be checking in with you to see how you and your husband are doing. I tell you all about the Promised Land or Heaven or whatever you want to call the awesome place Gina is now (besides in your hearts).

Blessings...............
Bobbie (Crocker, Birney, Kelly, Jasper, Rudy, Trevor, Spot & Squirt's mommy)

[Meadowlark]

Dear Cheryl83 & Bobbie,

I want to thank you both so much for your kind words. Cheryl83, your poem was really nice, I very much appreciate you sharing it with me.

Bobby, when I got your reply my husband walked into the room & he asked me to read it out loud, there were parts that were hard to get through. It takes so little to make me cry these days.

When he saw the whole thread of replies from people he was amazed at how much people can care & try to help others that they don't even know.

So even though I am still hurting immensely, it does help knowing that this place & people like you exist.

Thank you.

~*Meadowlark

[Bobbie]

Good Morning, Meadowlark!

I read through my post to you from yesterday and am very sorry for all the typo's. My mind still works faster than my fingers and, often times, the words look correctly spelled......until after I send the post! And I even went to Catholic school. There should be no reason for this. I am so sorry that parts of my letter were hard to get through for you and your husband and, yet, am glad that some of it has helped you. I am old enough and have had enough experience sending my best friends over the Rainbow Bridge to have learned a few lessons about grieving. However, Trevor's passing and the intensity of my sorrow and desperately missing him took me by complete surprise. For example: when our burial service was over, I just could not let Trevor be placed into the grave until I had hugged and held him one more time. I just took off towards his body, wrapped in his favorite blue blanket, fell to my knees (which isn't easy since I wear braces on both feet/legs) and hugged him and cried my heart out. When I was ready, 2 people had to help me up. And you know what? Every person that was there, not many, respected what I had to do. I just had to hold my baby one more time and I didn't care what anyone thought or did - it was Trevor and me. And, of course, now my eyes are leaking all over the place, but that, too, is OK. The new Director of the Humane society (a private facility that is now no-kill) Memorial Park said he'd never seen anything as beautiful and loving as our service. The woman who had originally found Trevor (his Grandmom) and I had planned the entire service just the day before and we tried to think of everything as tribute to Trevor. But that does not mean that I don't still remember all the other boys in my life. I do, but by now it is with a smile on my face and I try to remember all the happy, funny times with them. A couple times I had to write several letters to one or the other of them because my guilt was so overwhelming. I'd promise them that I would learn from my mistakes and not let the next boy "suffer". I'm getting better at that, but it's still very hard.

My friend, it sounds as if you are doing remarkably well in your journey. At least you recognize what is happening and seek to share your burden with others. And that is so good. Part of each of our companions' legacy is the willingness of those of us left behind, to help the newest members of our group. I did not know about this site until my sister's dog, Gretta, passed a few months before my Trevor. OH! How I could have used it, but at least I am here now. And I know that Trevor wants me to help any and every one I can. Of course, Moon_Beam is the Rock of this site, but we all do what we can. Sometimes, we just read posts and cannot reply at the time, so we say a prayer or two for the person and their companion(s). But we are always here for YOU and your husband.

Did you get some rest last night? Are you eating at least something? Those two things and breathing are all you really need to do for awhile. That and doing anything you want to remember and honor Gina's memory, which will help you immensely. For me it is so comforting to have pictures or notes or something of Trevor's in every room of our townhouse. For others, putting away their companion's things is better. You need to do what helps YOU the most. OK?

I have to stop now. I have 1 million things to do, including all the Christmas shopping for 3 1/2 grandchildren, get everything wrapped, get the house decorated and get most things in order for a Baby Boy shower I'm having for my daughter-in-law on January 8th, because I fly out of here on Dec. 10th for two weeks in Minnesota, coming back on 12/23! My 84 year old father is having some surgery and he wants me to be there, too. Of course! Gotta run!

Wishing you a peaceful, Gina-filled day, Meadowlark. Until later......
Love,
Bobbie PS: I'm going to proof read this letter now.

[Meadowlark]

Bobbie,

Thank you again for writing to me. I am trying to get good sleep & eat well. It's hard though, but I am. I feel guilty because she can't do those things anymore.
I think it would be too overwhelming right now to have photographs of her everywhere. We bought a plant (Peace Lily) to place where her window bed used to be. But I'm not sure what I can put in place of her food/water bowls. That area looks so empty.

I feel terrible for having her cremated. I hate the idea of the fire. I had always wanted to have a burial for her, it's so much more natural, but since we live in a city, the only option would have been a pet cemetery somewhere we aren't familiar with & we are planning on moving before long, so we wouldn't be able to visit her grave any more.

It's going to be awful when we get the call to pick her up. We're torn with what to do with her ashes... we fill it's morbid to keep them here in the apartment, but there is no place where we would want to spread her ashes. I kind of want to bury them... so many sad choices to make, still.

Yesterday was maybe a tiny bit easier, not by much. And that's only because I'm distracting myself all day with this forum or television. I tried going out for a walk, but it was too cold out.

Last night was just as hard as the other nights. I dread going to sleep every night because I know it's coming. Her absence is overwhelming when we lay down & it's totally quiet. No distractions, just our minds running with images of her, good & bad that make us feel suffocated in sorrow...

This time of year seems extra difficult to deal with death. Everyone expects you to be happier than ever (which I've always disliked about the holidays, you should try to be joyful all year, not just for a month or so). But we don't feel like decorating or shopping for presents. We're surrounded by commercials & television shows full of happiness. We had already promised our families (immediate & extended) that we would be visiting for the holidays, it's going to be really hard. I feel like I'm going to have to fake it for all of those days.

God I'm so sad...it's been 5 days now.

On a lighter note, I do hope that you have a nice trip to see your family & that your father's surgery turns out alright.

I really appreciate your writing to me

~*Meadowlark

[Meadowlark]

Oh my Gina.... How I miss you so much. It's been 5 days since you passed. And 7 days since you slept in our bed with us.
Words can't describe the emptiness in my heart without you in my life...

I miss scratching your 'chinnychinchin.' That was one of your favorites....




I love you my beautiful girl.

[Bobbie]

Hi Meadowlark,

What a beautiful, beautiful love letter to Gina!



Love,
Bobbie

[Meadowlark]

Thank you, Bobbie. I suppose earlier I was having a better moment.
I am trying to find ways to fill the absence a tiny bit.

Where her food bowls were, I placed a box with her old food placemat/towel on it with a candle & have it lit right now.
I intend to do this every night for some time if not forever. It was just too empty, where her stuff once was.

Evening is probably the hardest time for me...

My husband comes home from work (which is nice to have support), but it reminds me of how when I would hear his key in the door, I would sweep Gina up into my arms and we would hurry to the door to kiss him & welcome him home. (She always gave doggie kisses, licking you on the face with her sandpaper like tongue, God I miss those kisses)...

And every night we would do her sub-q fluids, and she loved movie time, where she was on our laps constantly (not that she wasn't to begin with).

Bedtime is the worst. She LOVED bedtime. She would sometimes go to the bed & look at us impatiently waiting for us to come to bed so she could curl up on our shoulders or under the covers at our feet.

We also have no distractions in the bedroom. No tv or computer. So it's just darkness & silence. We talk about her, but that makes me sad too.

I still cry myself to sleep. I know I will do so in about 20 minutes when I'm off to bed.

I still find myself saying that I wish I could wake up from this awful, horrible dream...

~*Meadowlark

[corinnajane]

Meadowlark,

I'm so sorry to hear about your wonderful Gina. Please allow me to express my condolences for your tragic loss.

It has only been a short while, and it sounds like it has been especially hard for you, as you've been at home and not able to easily divert your attention from her absence. I'm glad to hear that you set up a little area for her; that sounds like a wonderful idea.

I have been looking at the photos that you put up. What a beautiful girl. It is easy to see that she was highly intelligent and affectionate. Her face has a serene, compassionate and sensitive look about it. She radiates love.

I understand how you feel and how it feels that it will never end. Believe me, you WILL get through this. I hope that you are taking care of yourself and not neglecting your meals.

My boy cat died very suddenly, well over a year ago, and it was such a shock.

Let me know if I can help in any way.

Hugs,
Corinna

[moon_beam]

"I still find myself saying that I wish I could wake up from this awful, horrible dream... "

Hi, Meadowlark, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for honoring us by sharing your heartfilled love letters to your precious Gina.

I can so relate to your feelings of your grief feeling like a horrible dream. In our deep grief the seering pain of loss we are feeling is overwhelming to say the least - - to the point where it truly feels like it can't be real - - this horrible horrible loss cannot be happening. And we find ourselves asking when will this horrible nightmare be over.

Would it help for me to share with you that what you are feeling is NORMAL - - that this is your body and mind protecting you from being consumed by the deep pain of grief you are feeling? There are many emotions we experience during this grief journey, and shock is one of them. It is a self-survival mechanism that protects us from being consumed by the many emotions of grief. As the deep grief eases - - think of it as peeling the layers from an onion - - the shock will slowly ease when we are able to travel to the next step - - or layer - - in our grief journey. Hopefully by the time that we are at the core we will have found a peace in our hearts and lives to the physical separation from our beloved companions that will enable us to smile when we think of them without being overwhelmed by the deep sadness of our physical separation from them.

But it takes time to get to this core, Meadowlark. This grief journey is one of adjustment, and unfortunately there is no fast forward or delete button we can press that will make this journey go faster or elminate entirely. There are all the "firsts" to endure and it will seem like every moment of every day brings a new twist of the sword of pain in our hearts that makes us wonder if it will ever stop. I assure you, Meadowlark, one day - - probably when you least expect - - you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Gina and you will find yourself smiling - - truly deeply smiling - - and your heart will be filled with the warmth of her eternal love for you.

Until then, Meadowlark, it is important for you to know you are not alone. You are surrounded by the comfort and encouragement of each of us who are traveling this journey of adjustment with you. Collectively we are able to find the strength to make it through one more minute, one more hour, one more day, - - each minute, hour, and day building toward the time when we can once again feel our strength returning to continue our earthly journey blessed with the comfort of our beloved companions' sweet Living Spirit to share it with us.

Meadowlark, I hope what I share with you is helpful, and that it brings comfort and encouragement to you. Thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, Meadowlark, and your beloved Gina. I hope today is being kind to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Meadowlark, and that I look forward to knowing how things are going for you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Meadowlark]

Corinnajane & Moonbeam,

Thank you both so much for your replies. Yes, Corinnajane she was indeed beautiful, intelligent and affectionate. You could really read her from her photos. I wish the whole world could have known her. I know most people would say this about their companions, but she touched everyone she came in contact with. Especially at animal hospitals (where she spent a lot of her life).

My husband is making sure I am looked after. I am incredibly thankful for him. He is still grieving as well, but he (as most men) grieves differently than I do.

I'm sorry to hear about your cat's passing. A sudden death is in a way, a bit harder to deal with, because you have shock value on top of your grief. I really thought that my girl would go from her renal failure a bit more slowly, but all of the sudden she had troubles getting a deep breath, & when we took her to the vet she stayed there the night & we had to take her to another vet the next day, and she had to stay overnight there so she could see a cardiologist in the morning. We got the call late the next morning saying that there was nothing they could do for her. Her heart was failing & the treatment for it (including diuretics) would completely destroy the little remaining function in her kidneys, and the fluids we gave to her everyday for her almost completely failed kidneys were destroying her heart. There was no treating her. We were shocked. She had never had a heart problem....and then suddenly she had one and it was killing her & there was nothing we could do for her.

We never thought we would lose her like that & so fast. So it's still a shock to me. I know that I'm still having trouble accepting it...

Moonbeam, thank you for reminding me that my feelings are normal. Sometimes I feel so alone in my pain & this forum & then people like you remind me that it is okay to feel this way, however painful & uncomfortable it is & that I am not alone in this journey.

It is my goal to be able to smile when I think of her as opposed to this heartbreaking sadness that I feel missing her so much & wanting to desperately see her again.

My husband took me out today, we went to a part of the city we've never been before. It's strange. Most cats never go outside (unless it's to the vet or something like that), but even outside in a foreign setting where I didn't form any memories with her, I still had her on my mind the entire time. There is no place where I can find peace in this chaos of heartbreak.

I just wish I could get past all of these “what ifs” and “should and shouldn't haves.” We couldn't get in to see her normal vet, so we had to go to a new one locally & then were referred to another 'new' one & I wondered if we had made it to her regular vet would the outcome have been the same, or would she have found some loophole to help her survive or at least live for a few months more? Did we euthanize her too soon? Or if she hid her pain well, too late? Why couldn't we have buried her as opposed to cremation? I hate the idea of fire. I hate living in a city where we can't bury her in our nonexistent backyard. I hate myself for having to chose the hour & day that she died. What if the vets were wrong? Why didn't we bring her home as we had planned to have her euthanize din the comfort of her home? We thought she looked too ill. We didn't want to put her through the commute to come home since she didn't travel well and were afraid she would have trouble breathing again outside of oxygen. But were we selfish for doing that? Did her last look at us REALLY say 'it's okay, I need to go now” or was it “please get me out of this hospital mom & dad, I really don't like it here.” Was her last kiss on our cheeks (as she always had done) a goodbye kiss, or a joyous happy to see us wanting to go home kind of kiss. Oh where is her body now? Has she already been in that horrible fire? Or is she stuffed in a bag, cold & stiff....are her eyes still open? God I wish I had closed her eyes after she died. I don't feel like “died” is the right word. She was killed. Even though her diseases were killing her. That's not what killed her in the end. It was a lethal injection. I can't find the right word to describe what happened to her.... Died, passed away, left us, let go...? I find no right words in what happened to her. I am so mad that they took her IV catheter out to bring her in the room to see us to give us the choice to euthanize there or bring her home for a day, and when we decided to do it there because she seemed like she had partially 'checked out' already, she had to have another catheter placed just after they took the old one out so that they could put her to sleep. The previous day she had at least two catheters placed because they collapsed a vein. God that poor little girl went through so much stress & pain from needles in the end. I feel so angry and guilty for not bringing her home for a day.... These thoughts won't stop haunting me...

Sorry, I just needed to vent a little. I feel so lost right now. Tomorrow will be a week & I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. All I know is that I miss that beautiful little girl so much, and would do anything to have her back.

Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts & prayers. We desperately need it.
I'm so glad that this forum & people like you all exist.
~*Meadowlark (Carey Ann)

How I miss your beautiful face & kind spirit. You were one of the truest friends I could have ever asked for...

[Hermy's Mommy]

Dear Meadowlark,

I would like to offer my condolences as well. I am so very sorry for your loss. I can tell from your posts and photos of Gina that she was a most beautiful and wonderful companion.

As moon_beam, Bobbie, Cheryl, and the others have said, what you are feeling and thinking at this time is normal, albeit excruciatingly painful. Like you, I feel an emptiness in my life now that my dear bunny Hermione has left me. I cried and cried (and still cry everyday), and day-to-day functioning is difficult. Thank goodness for the wonderfully supportive people on this forum. I'm glad your husband is looking after you too.

I just wanted to address the feelings of guilt and the thoughts of "if only" and "should have." I completely understand. I've been plagued by guilt as well. Although I know it is a normal part of our grieving, I still find it very hard to stop myself from thinking repeatedly about all the things I should have done. "If only I had taken her to the vet sooner." "If only she had seen a different vet." "If only I had spent more time with her." Soon, I started feeling guilty about everything. All I can say is that each day it will get a little bit better. Some days you might feel like you're going backwards, but I think it's all part of this grief journey we're on.

You, your husband, and Gina are in my thoughts and prayers.

Wishing you a restful night,
Hermy's Mommy

[corinnajane]

Hi Meadowlark!

Another stunning photo of your girl. She looks gorgeous - such amazing presence.

I am sorry that more people didn't get the chance to meet her, too. She was clearly very special.

I do agree with you that these sudden deaths are extremely difficult to cope with. Everything happens in such a rush, and you feel so ill-equipped to deal with it all when you're so upset. You are left to ponder over what happened and wonder if there could have been a different outcome.

It can make your mind spin in circles, wondering "What if?"

I am so glad that your husband is being a tower of strength for you, and providing such comfort. You are not alone.

I am no expert; I have simply had to deal with several deaths of beloved pets over the years, and I do think that it is a process that takes time. It moves at its own pace and cannot be hurried. The guilt phase is terrible, but it is natural and we feel it so strongly because we have such love for our little ones.

Please know that everyone on this forum is thinking of you and offering support.

Corinna

[Meadowlark]

Hermy's Mommy & Corinnajane,

Thank you for your condolences. Day to day functioning is happening, I'm just not finding a lot of happiness and joy in things these days....there is a song called “Time to Say Goodbye” and the beginning lyrics really strike my heart.
“When I'm alone I dream of the horizon and words fail me.
There is no light in a room where there is no sun
and there is no sun if you're not here with me, with me.”

Beautiful & heartbreaking.

Hermy's Mommy, thank you for reminding me that my feelings are natural. I tend to judge my feelings too much (a bad habit of mine). I hope that eventually they will fade, and I will only be left with the facts & that I'll be able to face the facts & reality & accept it and move on, not forgetting her. Only remembering her with a smile & maybe tears in my eyes as opposed to sobbing all of the time when I think of her. I also didn't think it was natural to backtrack, but thank you for reminding me that it's okay. I feel like it comes in waves...

Corinnajane, she did have amazing presence. Thanks. Later on, when I'm feeling less sad & depressed about her passing I would like to add some sillier pictures of her. Her tongue would stick out sometimes and we were always taking photos of her doing it. Quite silly. But she still had presence. Just silly presence at the time.

Again, I am so thankful to have you all help me in this sad and confusing journey. I can only hope that someday I will be able to do the same with others in this forum.

~*Meadowlark.