My Sweet Kaia Options

[Kaiasmom]

One month ago today I woke up and everything was normal, I cuddled and kissed my dogs, worked out, watched tv for a bit and then decided to take my girls for a walk before feeding them breakfast. That's when my world was shattered and I lost my black lab Kaia. I will never truly know what happened to her and it really doesn't matter because she is gone and I am left with an enormous hole in my heart and emptiness all around my house.

I am adjusting but every morning I wake up feeling sick and wondering what could have been had I done things differently that morning. Wishing I just had her back with me to kiss and cuddle some more. Wondering and being angry that this happened to her and to me. Missing her so much I don't know what to do except distract myself with TV or the computer. Everything I do around my house reminds me Kaia is not here, I've gone from doing everything twice to only once so the feeling is always there. I was so looking forward to having the summer off from work and doing more things with both of my dogs, I always told them just wait in a few weeks everything will be different. I don't know why I decided not to wait that morning, I know I was doing something good and nice for them but I hate myself for it now.

I am spending more time with Kona, but it's hard. She doesn't like to cuddle or give kisses like Kaia did. She's more independent and mellow. Taking her for walks is enough for her, she gets overheated so quickly I worry about doing too much, I take her to the dog park and she gets excited but doesn't really play with anyone (I think she's better one on one) and she is so treat/food oriented it's really the only time she seems really interested in me. Kaia always wanted or needed my attention/affection and I got so used to it I don't know what to do without it now.

It would be easier for me to deal with had she been sick, then I could be ok that she went so quick and without pain but knowing she was perfectly healthy and it was just some tragic, random accident just breaks my heart. There is no rhyme/reason, no silver lining, no rest in peace, just that she is gone and I am sad.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Stacy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious Kona are doing. For different tragic events in my life I do so understand how you're feeling when you say "There is no rhyme/reason, no silver lining, no rest in peace," I promise you, Stacy, that one day the pronounced intensity of your sorrow will ease, and this is what your beloved Kaia wants for you. Will the ache in your heart completely go away? Probably not for there will always be a part of you that belongs only to your beloved Kaia that will be missing - - for she has taken a part of you to have with her as she patiently waits for your appropriate time to join her in eternal joy.

This grief adjustment journey is one of the hardest experiences we will know on this side of eternity. It truly doesn't matter the circumstances that cause our companions to precede us to the angels or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. We will NEVER be "prepared" for the painful adjustment in our hearts and lives that follows. Both you and your precious Kona are going through this grief adjustment journey together. Grieving a loss can bring two hearts closer together, and I am hoping that as you and Kona share this summer you will find a deeper and richer bond forming with one another.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Kona kindly, and that you will have a peaceful weekend. Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Kaia with us, Stacy. Please know you and your precious Kona are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you both are doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Kaia.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Kaiasmom]

I haven't written in a couple of weeks, mostly because I don't know what to say about how I'm doing. Not much has changed, I'm still mostly numb all the time. It's probably not the best idea but I've been trying not to think about it. It's not denial but it seems to be the only way I can get through my days. The times that I think about her or I see her face in my mind or think about something she used to do, I just start bawling. I know you need to feel your emotions, but at this point, even 6 weeks later, I would be crying non-stop all the time.

I took Kona for a walk today through the baseball field where Kaia passed. I cried as I walked by where she collapsed. Kona seemed ok, obviously not as much fun as having your sister chase you around, but she did wander off leash for a bit. I really wish she could tell me if she's doing ok, if she's lonely or wants a friend. I know she's fine physically, but it's mentally I worry about.

I also experienced two weird things this past week:

First, while walking Kona through the park over the weekend I was stopped by a group that gathers with their dogs off leash. A woman came out and asked if I was the lady whose black lab died. I reluctantly said yes and she talked with me a bit and asked me to come talk to with the group. They were all very nice and gave their condolences. I rehashed what happened that morning and they were sorry but told me they were glad someone wasn't out poisoning dogs. One of the gentleman that tried to help me that morning was there, he apologized again for not being able to help, he couldn't believe it happened. He said when he came into the park he saw both dogs playing and didn't see anything wrong, until he heard me yelling. Then as I was walking home, one of the ladies said to me, "isn't it so much simpler with one dog?" I wanted to say, well you'd think so but I quite enjoyed having two!"

Second, when I went to my dad's for dinner, he, my step-mom and I were talking about it and she asked how long it had been and then said, "if you can't get over losing an animal after 6 weeks, then maybe you shouldn't get anymore animals. You know they don't have long lives." I've always had an odd relationship with her, especially when it comes to me and animals. My dad and step-mom never really had pets, so I know they don't get it. I usually take eveything they say with a grain of salt.

I really am having a hard time getting to the acceptance level. I still feel so much guilt about taking them out that morning and not waiting till this week like I always told them. Everything I do with Kona, makes me sad that Kaia's not here too, like she's supposed to be. All the sites/books I've checked say to change your routine to make it easier, but then they also say to help your remaining pets to keep their routine as normal as possible. I feel stuck.

I appreciate anyone who reads this and understands. You are really the only ones who understand and who I can talk to about it.

Stacy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Stacy, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Yes, there comes a point in our grief journey where we do feel "stuck". I am so sorry you had those comments made to you, the first one from the woman in the park ""isn't it so much simpler with one dog?"", and then by your step-mom, ""if you can't get over losing an animal after 6 weeks, then maybe you shouldn't get anymore animals. You know they don't have long lives."" Even though you take what she says with a grain of salt the words are still piercing and insensitive.

First of all, there is no "getting over" the physical absence of a beloved companion. Secondly, there is no real "acceptance" of the physical separation. The words "get over", "acceptance," "closure", "moving on", etc., became the grief lingo during the 70's with the inauguaration of hospice services in this country. Each of these words imply "forgetting" - - and there is no way in heaven or on earth that you will ever forget your beloved Kaia. This grief journey is instead one of ADJUSTMENT TO the physical absence of your beloved Kaia - - which can only be achieved one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time AND includes allowing yourself to cry your heart out even at 6 weeks, 6 months, 12 months - - and even occasionally the rest of your life when you think of your beloved Kaia. Twenty years from now there may be times when you're remembering her and you will feel a mist come to your eyes and a lump to your throat - - all while you're smiling. You and your beloved Kaia share a true and genuine relationship --one that endures through all time and all circumstances, and does not diminish just because your beloved Kaia is no longer physically with you. I assure you, Stacy, that the seering pain that is in you heart now will ease but you will ALWAYS have your beloved Kaia's eternal love and sweet Living Spirit with you through your continued earthly journey. There is no "getting over" or "moving beyond" or "closure" to LOVE.

As for Kona, she will take her lead from you, Stacy, about wanting a new playmate. YOU need to be ready for a new companion FIRST, Stacy. Then and ONLY THEN will you be able to embrace a new companion into your heart and home. No one else can make this decision for you, Stacy. Until you are ready, Stacy, you and Kona need this time to strengthen your bond together.

As for the routines, some routines will stay the same - - such as feeding and grooming and taking care of personal needs. However, taking a different route to and through the park (if possible) may be one way that you and Kona can establish a "new routine" for just the both of you. What about bedtime - - did Kona ever sleep with you in bed or does she sleep on the floor next to your bed? Sleeping together is a time of bonding, so you may want to find a way to spend some "bonding" time for you and your precious Kona in this way - - if not during the night then perhaps a nap during the day. You don't have to sleep necessarily, but just laying with Kona while she naps will aid with the bonding process. The two of you feeling your bodies close to together will be a comfort to the both of you.

I truly wish there were an easier way through this grief journey, Stacy. If there were I would most certainly share it with you. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest friendship in the hope that you feel encouragement, support, comfort, and hope as you and your precious Kona travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious Kona are doing, and for sharing your beloved Kaia with us, Stacy. I hope today is treating you and your precious Kona kindly, and that your days forward will be peaceful. Please know you and your precious Kona are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you both are doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Kaia.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Kaiasmom]

I've missed Kaia from the minute I was told she was really gone. I will never not miss her. I feel like her sister and I were robbed of many wonderful years together. With that said though I realize now I cannot wallow in sadness and despair, it is not healthy for me or for Kona.

I've made the big and I think right decision to add to our family. I believe it is a good thing, one that will enhance our lives and make the change necessary as to not dwell on the sadness and loss of Kaia. The love I have for Kaia will never go away and I hope that she will see that getting a new puppy is a way to honor her memory. I brought home a puppy last night and will share her in the other thread.

Thank you for helping me get to this point in my journey, I know it's not over and I will feel sad sometimes. You have helped me immensely.

Stacy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Stacy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious Kona are doing. I know how much you have struggled coming to the decision of embracing a new family member. Your new family member will NEVER "replace" your beloved Kaia, for your beloved Kaia is forever a part of you - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you. In fact there is no doubt in my mind that your beloved Kaia has guided your and your new family member's paths to this moment of meeting and embracing one another. Your beloved Kaia is looking on you and her sister with a heart brimming with joy that you and your precious Kona have a new family member to share your earthly journeys together.

Stacy, thank you once again for sharing your beloved Kaia with us, and remember that we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you, your precious Kona, your new family member, and all of your family are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam