Please Help, I'm Having a really hard time Options

[Darebaby]

The last 2 days have been really hard for me. I am staarting to feel extremely lonely and can't seem to shake this depression. I have tried to leave the house twice since I had to put Pox to sleep, but when I do I break down. I think I feel safe in my home...but I know that it isn't totally healthy to stay there ll the time. I went to church last night and cried the entire time. I thought I'd feel better there, but it is such a big place and I have no friends there. I guess being in a room that size with nobody to share my sorrow made me feel even lonelier. When I got in my car I broke down. I just feel so much anxiety. I thought I was taking it well...but I think I was only numb and now my feelings are starting to surface. I am so sad right now. I know she is in a better place and I am okay with the decision I made for her. I knew that was really the only thing to do. So i made it very comfortable for her. But I am left here with all this pain. And I miss her soooooooooooo much. I honestly don't remember life without her, afterall I was so young when I got her(13). I am so scared to go through this weekend. I have to work tomorrow for the first time since she's been gone and I'm not sure how I will hold up. But I have to. I work in a restaurant and I deal with customers ll night long. I have already called in sick so many times lately from her being sick and now this. My rent is late. It is like my whole life is falling a part right now. I have post-dated checks written to the vet for well into next year and can't seem to get myself to even brush my hair. Not to mention that my boyfriend is going outta town tomorrow for 5 days. I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown. I am just not ready to face life and I know I have to. This is the first time I have ever gone through anything so painful. No man could ever break my heart like this. And that is exactly how I feel...broken hearted.
It is kind of funny but last night at about 2 am (I couldn't sleep) I heard 2 cats fighting outside, so I opened the door and I saw my roomate's cat on the back porch. She doesn't really like people and prefers to stay outside. My roomate can't even get her to come in the house anymore nor answer when she calls her name. But last night she came in and stayed with me all night. She even slept with me in my bed...under the covers. It felt good to have her with me. Tonight, I opened the back door, called her name once and she came running, came right into the house and hasn't left my side since. I have been holding her for hours. I had a bad break down and thought for sure she would take of when i started to cry on her and hold her tight, but she didn't. Warrior (that's her name) just let me hold her and cry on her. I have to be honest...she has always seemed to have an atitue of "pet me when I want it, and when I don't want anymore then leave me alone". Or so I thought she did. She was totally there for me 2 nights in a row...I feel so bad for having judged her like that. But I thank God that she is helping me through this. It is like she knows or something.
Anyway...I would really appreciate any advice on how to cope. Thanks.

[dietersmom]

Hi,
I'm sooooo sorry you are going through this. Everthing you are feeling is very normal. Pox was a HUGE part of your life and now there is a void there, and you can't expect to "just get over it". I've lost friends and close family members and their deaths didn't rip my heart out like losing Dieter. I remember not wanting to leave the house because he wouldn't be there to welcome me home and I just HATED it.

The first 2 weeks after losing my little guy I was truly on autopilot. I have a high pressured job and bills to pay and I had to "just do it", and you can too. It's been 6 weeks now, and I still shed some tears daily, but I'm coming through the other side now......to acceptance.

Grief is a strange thing and different for everyone. If you haven't read some of the articles published at the beginning of the "death and dying forum", please do so. They wil help you understand what you are feeling and the different stages that each person must go through and it won't always be in exact order and you may re-visit one, a time or two. I just want you to know that you are not alone, and by coming here and sharing you will receive soooo much support and priceless advice.

Warrior.........what an appropriate name for a special cat!! He is proving that he will be there to help you fight this battle. I'm so glad you have him to comfort you. Animals are sooooo amazing

Keep living....Pox would want you too. If you remember, she probably hated to see you sad, and would do anything to try to make you feel better. I know it doesn't feel like you will ever smile again, but you will. Keep writing, we want to know how you are doing.

You're in my thoughts and prayers
Libby

[4theluvofdgs]

Its only been a week for me since I lost my boy, but I was terrible depressed too and still am........walking around in a numb state most of the time. BUT the one thing that people told me was that my dog only wanted us to be happy and would never want to see me not living my life. Dakota would be depressed seeing us all depressed, as he was very sensitive. Pox may not be there physically, but he is still with you. Talk to him and tell him how much you love him,... you will see him again! I know how terrible hard this is, I really do. I think getting out of the house though will make you have to focus on things outside of your house, the memories etc. I had the same thing happen to me because Im not currently working and had too much time at home. My kids who had to go back to school and my husband back to work seemed to be doing better with the greif than me. I didnt want to leave the house for a while, but just getting out and some fresh air makes you feel alittle better.

hang in there !
God Bless
Colleen

[Steph]

I'm very sorry that yoyu are going through this. (Ihave an injured hand in a splint so excuse me for being very short).

I lost my little sweetheart four and a haflf months ago. As hard as it to believe, it does get easier. I know it's very hard to imagine life without your friend. Sometimes going work actually helps. If you can't handle it though don't be too hard on yourself.

I'm glad you found a little kitty friend (or maybe he found you!).

Take care of yourself come here and post often!

[CheriAnn]

I, too, am SO sorry you are going through so much pain. Everything you are feeling is normal!!!! Everybody heals and copes at a different pace. The first week after I lost Rachael I just HATED going to work! I found I cried more at work than I did at home. Just like you, for some reason I felt better at home. I didn't understand it. ALL her reminders were there at home, so I thought I would feel worse at home. However, I just MAKE myself keep going. Through Rachael, I discovered I was SO MUCH stronger than I EVER thought I could be! I never thought I could EVER make the decision to put her at rest, but when the time came, I knew it and did it. I never thought I could be there with Rachael when she passed, but I did it. I never thought I could help my husband dig her grave, but I did it. I NEVER EVER thought I could be there while my husband placed Rachael in her grave, but I did it. And now, I didn't think I could handle ordering her head stone so soon after her death...it makes it SO final....but I just did it.

I guess I am hoping to encourage you. You are STILL the same strong person that bravely made the VERY best decision for Pox out of love, and made sure Pox was comfortable. You had to be VERY strong to do that, so I know you have it in you. You will still grieve and mourn Pox's passing and that's okay to do. But I think like others have already said, once you get out in the world, you will start to heal better. I know facing each day with my normal routines....work, clean house, make dinner, etc.....have helped me to stay "normal" through this. I can tell you that I still cry everyday and many times I am sitting at my desk at work crying, but I make myself keep going. I know Rachael wouldn't want me to suffer so badly. I am positive of this too, because she kept going like nothing was wrong when she first got so sick. She bravely kept living her life "normal" with me, and didn't show me her pain. Now I will be brave for her, and continue to live my life and look forward to the day we are reunited again.
Just remember, you are strong!!!!! You are in pain and suffering, but you can get through the day. Give yourself some credit and pats on the back for how far you have come now!
Cheri

[LS Support]

I, too, am SO sorry you are going through so much pain. Everything you are feeling is normal!!!! Everybody heals and copes at a different pace.

amen

[Muffins]

Hi Sweet Darebaby:

I am soooooooo sorry that I haven't been able to write to you sooner, but I have been ill....

First, let me say that your beloved girl was sooooo very beautiful.....

And, in the VERY, VERY MOMENT THAT HER SOUL LEFT HER BODY........ST. FRANCIS WAS THERE TO LOVINGLY AND GENTLY HOLD HER IN HIS ARMS.......

After our Ernestine was put to sleep.................I felt EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE FEELING.......
Honestly, I did.

And, I am sorry that you are feeling such pain, depression, heart-ache, and so much more.....
I understand your "not wanting to leave your house"..

"I think I feel safe in my home.....but I know that it isn't totally healthy to stay there all the time.

You're right............it's not "that healthy", and I am very happy that you went to Church last night ----------- IT IS PERFECTLY OKAY THAT YOU CRIED THE ENTIRE TIME......
That's why "we humans have emotions".......

I cried anywhere and everywhere.................Without being embarrassed....
The Good Lord gave us tears.....
Existing with "that awful lump in our throat"..........
That doesn't feel good.
I think that it's just fine that you are crying.

And, very, very normal!!!!!

Sometimes you can be in a concert hall.................People all around...............
And still, YOU CAN "FEEL" LIKE THE ONLY PERSON IN THE ROOM.......

I know that I have felt that way several times, and I am quite sure that others on this site have as well.

And then, I'm sorry.............on top of it all --------- your car breaks down!!!!
That would exacerbate any feelings of ANXIETY you were already having......


You know...............when it came time for me to have our (Ben and I became a couple in early 2001, and thus, Ernestine's daddy)............
but, when it came time for us to have our sweet girl put to sleep.............
She was 19 years and 10 months old....

I was 23 when I first got her at 6 weeks old...........and 43 when she went to "Rainbow's Bridge"....

I will tell you in all honesty.............
NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING MADE SENSE TO ME..................

I COULDN'T STOP CRYING, MY HEART ACHED SOOO BADLY - IT FELT LIKE SOMEONE WAS TAKING A SERRATED KNIFE AND JUST
SHOVING IT IN AND OUT OF MY CHEST..........
I COULDN'T EAT..........DIDN'T WANT TO GO OUT.........DIDN'T WANT TO SHOWER.........[/u][/b]

And, I'll tell you................I WILL ALWAYS AND FOREVER THANK GOD FOR THIS WONDERFUL SITE........

So many wonderful, wise people responded to my cries for help.......
But, at a time when nothing at all made sense to me................
Someone here came along and said to me.........one sentence...........

"DENISE, YOU TOOK ON ERNESTINE'S PAIN SO THAT SHE COULD BE WITHOUT PAIN......."

And, just knowing that our sweet baby isn't suffering anymore........we would do it again, in one heartbeat......
She is in a much better place now...........JUST LIKE YOUR SWEET, BELOVED POX IS!!!!!!!


At a time when I was so confused and so depressed...........

We released our sweet girl from "her body -- her shell"............She was in so much pain.........

Violently "retching many times every day............losing weight......and, had just stopped eating....She was in Renal
Failure and had 1/2 her thyroid removed.....other things too.....

At the moment her beautiful soul left her body, SHE WAS FREE TO GO TO THE LOVING ARMS OF ST. FRANCIS!......
He would hold our girl lovingly........
And, then she could go on to "Rainbow's Bridge"........

Yes, You are very much left here on earth with the pain..............but, your sweet Pox "will always be with you".......
Her soul is right there with you.....

That was the ONE AND ONLY SENTENCE THAT MADE SENSE TO ME.......

You cannot see Pox's "physical body", but, I know (with all of my heart and soul), that your sweet girl is very, very happy that you helped her to pass on......

Sometimes our babies can't "do it on their own"... They need a little help passing on.
And, yes..............we feel horrible without them.....

But, just know that Pox is running around at Rainbow's Bridge. Her body is absolutely perfect.... She isn't in any pain at all.........
She's having fun with all of our furbabies that have passed over there...........

I'm sure that my sweet girl Ernestine is "showing Pox the ropes", and I know that all of the furbabies from the people here are keeping her company, playing with her, and all of our "furkids" are showing your sweet, precious Pox "how to fly"....

You are soooooooooooooooooooo early in the grieving process, and it stinks....

It's sooooooo very early now.........Everything that you are feeling is normal.....

But, I will tell you that your sweet "Pox" wants YOU TO HAVE A WONDERFUL & LONG LIFE HERE ON EARTH...... JUST KNOW THAT ONE DAY, YOU AND SHE WILL BE REUNITED............
But, Pox wants you to have a wonderful, happy life first..........
Pox is definitely just fine right now......

Please believe that, because it is true!!

I have heard it said that "for every year you have owned your furbaby.............that it takes ONE MONTH/PER YEAR "TO GET OVER THE PAIN OF LOSING YOUR SWEET BABY".
For some people, it's less.
But, YOU WILL NOT HAVE THIS HORRIBLE, AWFUL, TERRIBLE PAIN THAT YOU ARE FEELING RIGHT NOW.......
I PROMISE YOU THAT!!!!!!!


I'm not sure that we ever get over all of this.............
But, I can assure you, my sweet new friend, that YES, it will get much, much easier.........

A day will come, in the not too distant future, that you will be able to think of your sweet furdaughter with smiles &
laughter.................
There will still be tears and sadness, but, you will smile again...........

At times, it's like taking 3 steps forward and two steps back.........But, you WILL BE OKAY......
Please, just keep coming here and talking to all of us about what you are feeling.....
Lightning-Strike has been a life-saver for me, and countless others....

The one thing that we are left with are PRECIOUS AND BEAUTIFUL AND LOVING MEMORIES...........
Please, don't lose sight of that. IT IS A WONDERFUL GIFT!!!!!!

Warrior (perfect name), can totally sense how you are feeling, and she is supporting you and loving you!.......

Our animal friends are wonderful................
I've only had furcats all of my life, and right now, Ben and I have two kitties......Ms. Lucy and Mr. Yoster......

Kitties "tend to be like that".............
I OWN YOU........................You DO NOT OWN ME...........
That's just the way some kitties (including all of mine, all of my life....) are......

And, it never, ever fails.............When we NEED our furkitties the most..........THEY ARE RIGHT THERE......

I know that furdogs Are extremely "sensitive" as well............
Beautiful babies.

They just "know how we feel", and they comfort us......

I feel badly for people who have never felt the love of a furkid......
Boy, are they missing out!!!!!

If you feel the need to talk to someone, "one to one", please, I'd like you to "PM or e-mail" me, if you'd like........

I know how you feel, and I am very, very sorry............
But, please know that IT WILL GET BETTER.............

It's that old saying................."Time heals all wounds".....
And, time will heal......
I do promise!

You take care, my new friend....

God Bless you,

Love, Denise

[Darebaby]

I made it through my first night back at work...no tears....yeah. I did get choked up a bit...but I expected worse. I was telling my boss about Warrior and he (BIG cat lover) said that she has adopted me. And the funny thing is...I think he is right. She is here now...on my lap. Wierd. I have lived with this cat for almost 3 years. We never had a relationship...except that I didn't really care for her because (I think) she pees in my room whenever she has the opportunity. (Can't really figure out which cat does it)
But it is strange...I opened the door tonight and there she was. I was actually excited to see her when I got home and she was waiting here for me. It really blows my mind. I feel so bad that I didn't like her before. I talk to her a lot and I told her I was sorry and thanked her for rescuing me like she has. I feel kind of crazy...but I don't care. If any of you could see how she is acting with me...you would fall in love with her. I have not had a cat in years. My last one ate my dogs arthritis medicine and died. It was soooooo sad. His name was Tooney. He looked like a cartoon cat. He played fetch. And he loved to sit on my lap whenever he heard me in the bathroom.....going to the bathroom...funniest thing. Peeing just hasn;t been the same since I loved him so much. We only had 10 minths together. I saw him being born. His mother was also my cat...I found her in the parking lot at work and brought her home for my mother (who I lived with at the time). She had just lost her cat months before and I wanted to cheer her up. Turns out they didn't hit it off too well, she adopted me instead. I named her Tastey (I think Pox thought she would be Tasty). She left outta nowhere? I never knew what hppened to her. I always thought she would come back. Both of those cats, along with Lambert, my childhood cat broke my heart. Lambert got trapped in our house when we fumigated. I had no idea because I had moved out and my dad was keeping her for me. I feel that my heart has been broken by these sweet little kitties for the last 10 years. So I vowed I wouldn't have a cat for a while. But it looks like I have one now. Who would have thought. Warrior is really helping me. It feels good to have a warm little body sleeping under the blankets with me. I was so scared that I would come home and ONLY feel the empiness of the house. It did feel empty, but this little angel, Warrior, had softened the blow. I have managed to go the whole day and mostly think wonderful thoughts about my POX. I thought about her smile and thought ...she is probably smiling right now. And that made me smile.

[billyc]

You may already have tried this (I just scanned over most of the posts, as I was in a hurry to try & offer a tip), but for me a heartfelt prayer at Whitie's grave seems to have helped greatly. It did not eliminate all my pain, but it has been greatly eased. I called out to Jehovah & asked him to please give me comfort & strength. Also, getting out of the house worked for us, getting away from this home so haunted by Whitie's memories. We are part time volunteers at the Food Bank. You mentioned having a hard time getting out. Maybe you could ask God for strength for that too. I just know it helped me, so I hope & pray it will benefit you too!!! Love & blessings!!!

[gingerspal]

I am so sorry that you have lost your dog---but welcome back to the cat world. I love that Warrior has adopted you.

[Darebaby]

I feel that my heart has been broken by these sweet little kitties for the last 10 years. So I vowed I wouldn't have a cat for a while.  But it looks like I have one now.  Who would have thought.  Warrior is really helping me.  It feels good to have a warm little body sleeping under the blankets with me.  I was so scared that I would come home and ONLY feel the empiness of the house.  It did feel empty, but this little angel, Warrior, had softened the blow.

In a recent (2 weeks ago) post I told you all about Warrior. She was my roomates cat who adopted me 3 weeks ago when my dog died. She has been my comfort through allof this. She would wait forme to come home and sleep in my bed all night under the blankets...and sleep on my lap. She let me hold here tightly while I cried all over her for my baby Pox. It was funny because she was the cat that wouldn't come when called andnever came in the house. But when Pox died she was right there...for me. I was so scared to start loving this cat because I didn'twant to get hurt. But I couldn't help but love her. She chose me. Well...This morning she died. I just don't understand why everything I love is dying all at once. I had finally reached a point in my grief over my dog where I have accepted her death> Of course I miss her like crazy...but this has brought all of that pain back to the surface. I feel so angry that I got so close to her and now she has been taken away from me, too. I feel like I have nobody and I am really sad and lonely and dissapointed.

I just find it so darn strange. now what....

[LittleGirl's...]

Darebaby,

I just read through the entire journey in this thread, sharing in your sorrow over the (physical) loss of Pox, then in your joy as Warrior came to you to save you. ..... THen, when I got to your post from this evening, it was as though someone kicked me in the chest. ...I can't believe it! I'm so sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!

For some reason, Warrior had to go and be with Pox. Maybe Warrior came to you and bonded, then acted as an angel messenger or something, reassuring you that Pox wouldn't be alone.

I'm just floored that this happened. Please share more, and please PM or email me if you want to talk!

Love and prayers and comfort,

Kathy

[BabyHannahsMom]

Ohhh! Darebaby. I am so sorry to hear about Warrior. That is just so sad, so unbelievable. It is also strange, I think. Somehow it seems Pox had Warrior come to you to ease your pain, to take care of you and comfort you and love you -- for awhile. I don't know why it was for such a short time. It is true, "when it rains, it pours." It has been like that for a lot of us on this site. I think some of these things are lessons in trying to teach some of us to let go. I don't know, but my heart goes out to you. Please, please take care of yourself. I know you are totally despondent, but please know that you got to love Pox and you got to love Warrior, and they both had you to love -- all your other little kitties too. Bless your heart. I am here if you want to email me.
Love and hugs to you.
Marcia