Whitie's Death Options

[billyc]

About 2 years ago, a little stray kitten with big blue eyes came into our lives. For us, it was love at first sight. He was starving, his bones showed. We felt he had been put out. He seemed to have been abused. Tho he begged for food, it took some time to really win him over. We nursed him back to health & hoped he'd be with us a long time. But... he wasn't. After only 2 years, he was diagnised with FIV, & our hearts broke. We tried keeping him in doors & hoped to keep him alive awhile longer, but he was miserable, depressed. He had always been an outside cat. Not that we wanted him to be. We'd loved for him to stay inside with us all the time. But he had to have his freedom. And then he caught FIV!!! After about a month of his "captivity", as it must've seemed to him, I could not stand to see him so miserable any longer & persuaded my wife we should have him euthanized. The first time we tried to take him, we backed out halfway there. Later the same day, we got up the nerve for another try & succeeded. WE picked him up this morning & burried him. We are grief stricken. We miss him terribly!!! The vet said we did the right thing. I want to believe so. But we sure miss him. Before we put him in the ground, we unwrapped him for one last look. He was in a resting position & looked contented. He even seemed to have a smile on his face. That is about the only thing now that gives us any comfort or consolation. But God we miss our pet!!!! Can anyone offer any hints on dealing with grief?

[anln]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your little loved one. What was his name? It is wonderful that that you had those two years together, although two years is far too short.
I wish I could offer you some words of wisdom. I can just share how my grief has been with me. My beloved Jordan (black lab) died five months ago. It was unbearable at first. I was overcome and consumed with grief. I felt so empty inside and was constantly showered with waves of pain. As the days passed the time inbetween the "waves" of grief/fits of tears lengthened. To my amazement, it did get easier. I still have hard days but I truly believe that our pets are better off and are happier than we can even imagine. It is those of us left behind that are hurting now.
I'm sorry you had to find this web site in these cir%%stances but its a wonderful place to talk and think about your boy. Just know that everyone here is very supportive and is heartbroken for their pets as well. Take care.
Jordan's mom

[Darebaby]

I think it is too soon for me to really offer any advise...but I do offer my condolences. My baby had to be put to rest on Saturday...so I feel your pain. There are so many wonderful people here at LS. And I just want you to know that you have come to the right place.

[gingerspal]

Hi billyc,
In my humble opinion ...yes you did the right thing. The cat is my avatar is the reason I found this site. He died after surgery. It happened over the summer and I was so heartsick for months! In my case it felt as if I literally and figuratively did take his life. (because we hit him ourselves in our truck in our driveway). He had been a stray--just like your whitie--and also "had" to be outside. I will never completely forgive myself for what happened...but I know I can not keep blaming myself or my significant other (who was driving).
Prior to taking in Ginger my first cat ever was also a stray and I learned that he had leukemia too. The vet talked me into keeping him anyway and I can tell you that when the end comes it is very very difficult. If I had it to do all over again, knowing what I now know, I would have handled it as you did. You spared your wonderful friend all the suffering that was going to be a certainty. You can be proud of stepping up to the plate to do this FOR whitie. You could have thought about yourselves....but you put him first.
I know that it is too soon to think about it--but it sounds like you have a big heart--I am starting to think that all the people and animals in our lives are there for good solid reasons! maybe whitie was "given" to you so that one day you would know the rewards of showing compassion for one of god's more "disadvantaged" creatures. I know that I learned so much from my wonderful times with Ginger (who not only had been downtrodden but was very mean to boot). I think I learned a great deal more about myself "through him" than I could have in any other way!---Maybe after awhile you will open your heart to another animal as you did this special messenger.
Maybe you could post a photo and whitie's story over on the memorial page. That helps alot to do that...because you are going to keep thinking of him anyway---so you might as well honor that.
I wish I could give you and your mrs a big real life hug. Here is a cyber one {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BILLYC}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{{{MRSBILLYC}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Write anytime. We are here
Love
Patti

[billyc]

Dear Patti,

Today memories of Whitie have begun not to hurt so much, which is perhaps an answer to prayer. I still miss him & probably always will, but he pain is easing. Can't say I won't have any more. That's probably way too optimistic an assumption. But I think I've forgiven myself for having him euthanised. Yesterday, I felt like a murderer, just terrible guilt. Perhaps that was the worst of my pain. This morning, I walked out to his little grave & was hurting, so I prayed to Jehovah to please give me comfort & take the pain out of the memories that keep flooding me. I did have a few more painful moments, lumps in the throat, ache in the heart or soul, & there were periods of real numbness. Don't know what tomorrow may hold. It helped to get out, away from the hose & yard that are so haunted by his memory. We worked at the food bank half the day, & later spent some time at the library. I think my wife is recovering some too, maybe not quite as fast. Not sure. We had already adopted another cat, a kitten at the time, when we realized Whitie was not going to be content to stay indoors with us all the time. For one thing, we feared the dear boy would one morning be found dead in the street. I know of several close calls he had. I would really love to post his picture & his story, but I have no idea how to post a photo. Thanks for writing & sharing. I'll pray for you too, & the others above. I'm grateful to them too. In time, I think I would like to get another cat. Right now, our finances would not allow us to buy one. My wife is out of work, which is one reason we volunteer at the food bank. But rest assured, if another little waif like Whitie showed up here, he would not be turned away.

[gingerspal]

your post brought a smile to my lips----because I know that one day whitie will send you another pal. You sound like wonderful people thanks for writing...I am very glad that you feel better! Whitie is at the rainbow bridge with my Ginger. They are friends, just like we are here.
Hugs,
Patti

[billyc]

Hi Patti,

I regret to say I've been having some more serious sadness this morning, but it will pass. I've prayed. But boy to I ever miss my little boy! Boy oh boy do I! I know my wife does too. We have a spare cat, Precious, which we got in case Whitie got run over. He'd had several close calls in the road that I know of. We expected that was how he would go. Never dreamed Feline AIDS would get him. Sure hate we had to have him euthanised. For awhile I felt like a murderer. I would give anything to have him back. If only he hadn't been so miserable, we'd still have him. He hated the medicene I had to give him & I feared he was beginning to dislike me for it. And he wanted to go back outside SOOOO bad. It was heartbreaking. Also, having to keep him in the bathroom so Precious wouldn't get FIV from him. She couldn't understand why she couldn't socialize with her old buddy. Since he passed on, she has become more affectionate & playful, like she was as a kitten. It's almost like she's trying to cheer us up. Well, I'd better go. Time to put on the morning coffee. Thanks for writing Patti!

[gingerspal]

billy--it is strange how the feelings come over us at odd times..like in waves! I know exactly what you mean when you say you would "give anything" to have him back..how often I have thought those very words! I know you did the right thing because my cat Viktor was very very unhappy and uncomfortable in the end. We people are so fortunate to be able to make their passing less stressful. Whitie is young and happy and outside all the time at the rainbow bridge. He is perfect now! Didn't God bless us with the most wonderful creatures to be our friends?? how often I have read here on this message board that people turned to their pets when they were sad and their pets were there for them---BETTER than people sometimes!! Ginger used to come to me when I called him....just like a dog. In many ways he was like a "kid" to me. He was a bully and I couldn't stop him from fighting. I was afraid when I took him in that he might have one of those dreaded diseases. I guess it never matters what form the end comes in---it is all wretched to be without them.!!! {{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}!!!

[billyc]

Good morning, Patti. So far this morning I don't feel too bad. But yesterday was not one of my better days. Had several crying spells. You are right, I thot of Whitie as a friend. In fact, when we took him to the vet that last time, I told them, "He was my friend>" It came out in a sob. Very unmasculine. When both of my parents died & we lost our baby to SIDS, I did not show my grief in public & mostly shared my sadness with Kathy my wife,but when we too poor Whitie to be "put down" I could not restrain my tears. A few are rolling down my cheeks now. Perhaps it is because I am older? They say we have a 2nd childhood. As a child I was especially sentimental, to my dad's disgust. He was Mr. Macho. My mom, God rest her soul, thot tears were a sign of mental illness, so naturally thot me daft. My wife grieves with me over Whitie, weeps almost as much. He was like a child to us, as is Precious. It seem so awful we were able to keep him such a short time. Barely 2 years. We miss him SO much!!! I am glad he looked like he had a smile on his face, when we burried him. He was wrapped up in a blue sheet, but we had had to have one last look & to hold him one last time, even if he was cold as ice. No doubt they kept him in the refridgerator overnight. But he looked peaceful & content like he was taking a little catnap. I love you Whitie, wherever you are. I know the Jehovah's Witnesses believe animals have no resurrection hope, but I can't bear the thot of never seeing my little baby again. I don't believe I'll ever be baptized, even if it meant no resurrection or eternal life for me. I'm sure they will be disappointed in me. Yesterday at the meeting, I slept of & on all thru it. I think my sinus pill made me drowsy.

I'm not too familiar with the rainbow bridge, Patti. I have read some works by Andrew Jackson Davis that described the spirtworld as a rainbow ring. Another book, full of false prophecies, says Heaven is on planet Saturn, the ringed world. The JWs would have a canniption if they knew I had such stuff in my home. They've even objected to Kathy's unicorn collection, which got her hackles up.

Our other cat, Precious just came in & meowed for attention. I guess she wants me to throw some food for her to chase, our morning ritual. We taught her that when she was a kitten. Since Whitie's passing, she was become more affectionate & playful again, almost like she's trying to cheer us up. Kathy believes she misses Whitey too, tho in his last month of life we had to keep them separate.

[billyc]

Tho no one was written to me in a few days, I will add this update: Jehovah has sent us a new addition. Yesterday, at a church where we went to get some food, a little callico kitten came in the building & I went after her & claimed her. I had named her Sweety even before we left there. She is very young, maybe about a month old? I can hold her in one hand but she sticks out on both sides, head & fore legs on one & hindquarters on the other. Precious is seriously jealous, so that presents me with a challenge ofasurring her she is still loved. Thanks Patti & all for the kind words & prayers. We still miss Whitey of course, but are beginning to feel better.

[CheriAnn]

Dear Billy,

I am so happy to hear that you have been sent another precious kitty to share your love with. I'm sure Precious will accept Sweety (such sweet names!) soon enough.

I hope you are starting to have more "good" days. I was touched by several things I read in your posts. Like you, I watched my husband hide pain and tears in public. He has lost his mother, father AND older brother. I watched him stay SO strong in public. However, when we had to put our precious Rachael out of her misery, he had a MUCH harder time hiding the tears. Even talking to him during the day at work over the phone, I could hear the tears when we talked about Rachael. I had no idea how much harder a furbaby's death affected us than most humans, until I started reading posts in here. He seems to have gained some control again, and although he talks about her and looks very sad, I am the one left still crying all the time.

I was happy to read that Precious became a much more active and affectionate furbaby for your family. We still have a three old black lab that I have found has become so extremely affectionate now. I am surprised at how much more we have bonded with him. My husband has started taking him on more car rides. Our yard is fenced and he runs and plays out there, but I suddenly decided to start taking him out on the leash for long walks around our neighborhood. He now gets to experience new sights and smells and he just loves it. I guess by the time we got Danny, Rachael had slowed down and then developed arthritis. Since we couldn't take Rachael for long walks or car rides like we used to, Danny suffered too. I thought about this when I read how poor Precious couldn't understand why she couldn't cuddle and play with Whitie.

We are very anxious to get another puppy. You are lucky that you were sent your new addition. I know when the time is right, we will find ours too.

Cheri

[billyc]

Hi Patti. Looks like you are the only one who is to write me more than once. It is good to hear from you again. The coming of Sweety was quite a surprise. We were there to get food. My wife is out of work & her unemployment check is too high to get food stamps. We were having a long boring wait, when in waltzed this little colorful ball of fur. I jumped up & went after her. I followed her into a room which I learned later was a women's restroom, luckily unoccupied at the time. I held her for the rest of our wait & two children came around wanting to pet her. I had mixed feelins; part of me thot it was cute & sweet, but another part felt like telling them 'git yer grubby paw of my new kitten!' (See a part of me was scared they would hurt her. Kids can sometimes be a tad rough. Anyway, her coming really lit up my life. Trouble is, I hate to be away from her so much. All morning we worked at the food bank, then my wife wanted to come to the library to do some research for her horticulture class ( she's studying trees & how to identify them). So I put Sweety back in the back bedroom & closed the door. I'm really protective of her! But she seems to little & helpless, just a little ball of fur with a spark of life. And she is so affectionate. Precious can be fairly standoffish. She likes to be stroked, but usually demands that I get down in the floor with her to do it. She is long past the time she would crawl all over me & curl up on my chest & purr. I still love her, tho must admit being a tad disappointed in her at times. So it makes me sad to see her looking so jealous. But hope it's all going to work itself out eventually.

Yes, it's odd, tho I loved my parents, I never had any inclination to grieve in public for them. Well, one thing about poor Whitey, I was taking him to his death & signed the paper. I felt guilty in a BIG way for that at first, even tho I knew I was doing it to end his misery. He was SO depressed at being forced to say indoors & I was too for having to make him. And he was starting to scratch big sores in his hide. I would try dabbing mercurochrone on them. It hurt to see his beautiful pelt so marred. As I think about him, a wave of longing comes upon me, wanting so badly to have him back, but only if he could be well & happy again. He was such a sweet cat! I'm getting misty again & I'm in a public library! Oh, well. Maybe we'll be together again someday. Not a common thing for a Jehovah's Witness to say, I guess. But I'm not baptized, & I sometimes think I never will be. I like a lot of their teachings, but not all of them. They do seem to be biblically based, but..... I don't know. Not important now.

Maybe if I had replied in more depth to the earlier posters they might have been more inclined to write more. I really appreciated all of them. I appreciate all of your kind feed back, Patti, very much.

There is still some worry that Precious coudld have caught Whitey's FIV, for they did touch noses one time when my back was turned, & I thot Precious was nowhere near. But we hope not. We'll have her tested again in a few months. Surre hope our financial situation improves by then. Still have about $200 .00 debt on poor Whitey on one of the credit cards! I guess, we should have had him put to sleep sooner. But I had hoped he could have a happy life inside. There were times I'd sit & hold him in my lap for hours. He seemed content to just lay there. If I stroked him He would make an objecting sound, so I'd quit & just hold him.

[billyc]

I'm sorry Patti, but the bulk of the above post was really in answer to Cheri, immediately above mine. For some weird reason, I thot you had written me again. Was at the library & not paying too much attention. Sorry for the goof! You have been a wonderful friend for which I am most grateful. I appreciate all the comforting words from each one who has posted here & have written all of you personal messages. I love you & may God bless you all!

[billyc]

Can't believe that nobody has written me in so long! I am quite disappointed! I wrote everyone here a personal message, but none have replied. Have I somehow offended everyone? I am very puzzled. We still miss Whitie very much & I guess our lives will never be quite the same, even tho the coming of Sweety has taken some of the sting out of his loss. Right now, my wife & I are suffering from poor health & financial hardships. This has been as VERY bad year for us, I think the worst we've had since we've been together, nearing 25 years now.

[deedee]

I am glad that you have found Sweety. She probably needs you very much, just as Whitie did. Whitie had a great life with you, albeit short, and she knew love. That is ultimately what counts. I am sorry for your loss.

As for people not writing you back, sometimes I didn't receive my messages until much later. I doubt if they are slighting you deliberately, so it might be that your messages didn't arrive, or they haven't written back yet.

[BabyHannahsMom]

Hi Billy,
I am sorry that your post still hasn't received more replies. The problem is, I think, that sometimes there are so many posts and sometimes if your post isn't at the front/beginning, it just doesn't get seen. I am sure no one here would intentionally hurt your feelings or ignore your post. I know that. You know, I remember seeing some of your posts in the past but at the time, I really was not posting much on the site or coming to the site much. I was just trying to help myself heal. It's so painful to read all about the sadness here. It just brings it all back, you know what I mean.
I feel really bad when I just don't have the strength to reply, but sometimes I just can't because my pain is too great. I know that sounds selfish, but sometimes I just feel incapable of getting up in the morning. I know you and your wife have probably felt the same.

Please don't be upset with the people here. Everyone here is hurting so much, as you are too. Post again okay -- in a new post. That way it should be seen.

Take care. I'm glad Sweety has helped ease some of your pain, and I wish you and your wife the very best.
Marcia

[billyc]

Dear DeeDee & Marcia,

Thanks for your posts! Yes, we are really happy to have found Sweety! She is great! I still look for Whitie tho. I guess we get used to them being around & a great emptiness is there. Also, I had a big fight with guilt over having put him to death. Even tho I know I did what I did for his own good, I still hated myself for taking that drastic step. But I believe I have finally forgiven myself & have asked his spirit to forgive me too. The JWs, whom we are affiliated with somewhat, do not accept animal spirits in their doctrine, so no comfort there, tho our home-teacher's recently had to put down a big dog they'd had for 17 years. Wish Whitie could've stayed with us even half that long. Alas. Well, we know life has it's sadnesses. We lost both our human babies, one being a miscarriage. I've lost both parents & my wife her father. Now her mother is fighting against cancer. Now we both are have health problems of our own. In fact, I am getting ready for another colonoscopy, to be on Thursday. Have been having bad pains in my back & side & groin, but an x-ray ruled out kidney stones, which I had a lot of symptoms of. So now I'm baffled & frustrated & still in pain!

Marcia, I'm not really mad at anyone, just disappointed, like I said. But life has it's disappointments & this year has sure had more than it's share. I sure know there is lots of grief & pain here & I've tried to offer comfort a time or so. Wife just told me to look behind me. I did & little Sweety is napping on the bookshelf behind me, the one my late father built. Well, he built all in the room, but this one was really fancy with glass doors.

Well, my thanks to both of you for your kind words. May God bless you both, as I sure wish he do for us. He did give us Sweety, but I sure wish he'd bless a little more. Well, nobody ever promised us a rose garden.

[BabyHannahsMom]

Billy,
You have really been through and are still going through an awful lot. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope all goes well and that you get better soon.

I am happy that you have been able to come to terms with the euthanasia -- I am still battling with myself over that. It's so very hard. I know all of our babies forgive us. They know we loved them and only did what we did so they would not suffer. We loved them so much.

Billy, I know what you mean about some of the religions not being very helpful in this great time of need. I just have to believe -- and I do believe that God loves the little animals He created and he knew how much we would love them too! I cannot imagine that it would be Heaven without our precious babies. I think most people do admit that the Bible doesn't tell us everything -- God didn't tell us everything, and this is just one thing that wasn't mentioned -- that our little companion animals go to Heaven too!

I know you have been a comfort to lots of people here, Billy. It helped me just now reading your post, particularly about where you've been able forgive yourself and that you've asked Whitey's spirit to forgive you too. You and your wife sound like such wonderful, loving caring people, and I am very glad we got to "talk" to each other. Thank you and take care, Billy.
Love,
Marcia

[zoeysdad]

Hi Billy,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss of Whitey. I took a break from LS for a couple of weeks and I guess that's about the time you posted. My first visit here was on around the 24th of August and there weren't really many posts on any given day. Lately there have been so many posts, sometimes several in one day and it is difficult at times to respond to all of them. I do read all of them even if I don't have the time to respond.

There are many great people here Billy and I certainly hope you'll find the comfort you need here. I'm so glad to hear Sweety has come into your lives. I know she'll have a wonderful home with the two of you and hopefully having her will help to ease the pain of losing your beloved Whitey.

Please continue to come here and talk as much as you need to. We're all here to help each other.

__Jim

[CheriAnn]

Hi Billy,

I'm so glad that Sweety has been there to give you times of laughter again. I know exactly what that feels like. We still have our loving Danny with us, and even though we grieve our precious Rachael, Danny will come up and lay his head in our laps and just snuggle. He'll do silly things in the yard that make us laugh. It may not take away our grief, but it helps to give us "breaks" in the pain. I am very thankful for Danny, as you must be to have adopted Sweety into your home and family!

I think I have mentioned in here before that I battle with issues of religion and my Rachael. I am told constantly by church members that animals don't have a soul, and therefore they do not go to Heaven. Like Marcia stated (which brought instant tears to my eyes!), if God created these beautiful trusting and loyal creatures, how could they be left out when they pass from this life?! I just CAN'T imagine thinking that my loyal, devoted, trusting and 100% loving little Rachael would have no peaceful resting place to go to. I really took to heart what Marcia said about not telling ALL in the Bible or knowing ALL from God. It really would NOT be a Heaven for me without my furdogs!

Like Jim, I too had to take a break from here for a while. There are days I feel really strong again, and I read all the new postings and answer when I think I can add something helpful or encouraging. However, I started having those really bad days again, when the pain was too intense. The stories in here just had me crying ALL the time, and I found I couldn't handle reading and posting at that time. So, please continue to come here and share. I'm sure there are others as well that may need some time away temporarily, but we all usually come back

Take care of yourself and enjoy each blessed day with your new Sweety!
Cheri