Norton's Mum, A Long Journey Options

[Norton's Mum]

Hi, I've been coming to this site for quite a while now and reading the posts has helped me feel less alone. I now would like to share my story with you to see what you think. I got my labrador Norton when he was two years old from a lady who wanted to rehome her two dogs as she had a young baby. Norton settled in with us straight away and was loved from the second we got him. He had been an outside dog with his previous owners, only going in the house at bedtime but he soon loved being given the run of the house and garden with us. We live not far from the beach and glens and Norton loved swimming in the sea and running in the glens. He started limping not long after we got him and I thought he'd just jarred his leg because he loved having us throw his ball so he could chase it. I took him to the vets and after x-rays he was diagnosed as having degenerative bone disease, and the vet said it was likely he was born with it. The vet tried several different medications but they either made Norton sick or gave him diarhea; even his pain relief tablets gave him an upset stomach. Anyway, he seemed fine and I opted for putting him on Cortiflex from the pet store instead of anything from the vets. The vet told me he'd probably get bad round about age 6-7 but Norton lived to be 11 1/2, so I feel I must have done something right. I got used to him limping about, he'd done it since I got him. He was always keen to go for walks and play with his ball for many years. The trouble is I feel I let him down in the last 6-8 months of his life and I have carried this guilt for 3 1/2 years. I am now starting to forgive myself and feel better but it has been a long, long journey. I was so glad I found this site as at times I felt almost suicidal. The vet put Norton on Metacam when he was about 9 1/2 - 10 year old and that seemed to help him as he was showing signs of being in pain - the cortiflex obviously wasn't working so well then. At age 10 Norton had to have a big operation as he had a large fatty lump which by now was starting to press on his internal organs. This operation cost me £1,000 but was worth every penny as he seemed happier afterwards. The Christmas before the August Norton was put to sleep I had to put my Christmas presents on my credit cards as I didn't have the cash to buy them. I'd been a single parent for many years and had to rely on my credit cards as my ex-husband never paid anything for my two sons. I'm not using that as an excuse though. After Christmas, having large credit card debts, I decided to not buy the cortiflex and keep Norton just on the Metacam, and this is where part of my guilt lies. Norton started to go downhill but I didn't notice until the vet sat me down and told me it was time to let him go. I'd arranged for the vet to come and cut his nails at home as I knew I wouldn't be able to get him in the car - this was just one week before he had to be put to sleep - what was I thinking! I always worried about his nails getting long in case they hurt him. I felt like he'd gone downhill because I stopped the cortiflex and I felt like I'd helped him die. On top of that I rushed him on his walk some mornings because I had to get to work and on a night I marched him up and down on the grass wanting him to do his business and I should have taken him down the lane where we always went. Whether he would have managed that by this time I don't know but I just didn't think. It was as if part of my brain knew he wasn't good and the other part just carried on as if everything was fine. I loved Norton with all my heart and will always love and miss him. I know I gave him a good life but I have tortured myself over the things I got wrong. Sorry for the long post. Please don't judge me too harshly.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Norton's Mum, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Norton. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions on this side of eternity - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Norton's Mum, this grief adjustment journey is one of the hardest experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is filled with so many different emotions oftentimes overwhelming us all at once. Unfortunately guilt is one of the emotions each of us go through, and it is one of the hardest to reconcile. Norton's Mum, please let me try to reassure you that you did the very best you could for your beloved Norton with the information and resources you had at the time. Your beloved Norton understands this, and is eternally grateful for the love you gave him during his earthly journey - - and continue to have for him in your heart.

Norton's Mum, we are mere mortals. We do possess the privilege of foreknowlege. We do not know the circumstances that will present when our companions can no longer be with us. When we begin to understand that our companions are in the process of transitioning home to the angels we also begin a journey known as Anticipatory Grief. This holds a myriad of all different kinds of emotions, and sometimes ones that we never thought we would ever have. Tempers flare, we say things we truly do not mean - - but are said nonetheless out of fear and anger of the situation - - NOT because we no longer love our companions or because we no longer want them with us. What we REALLY want is for them to ALWAYS BE WITH US and we HATE seeing their physical bodies become infirmed with illness and the course of age. Your beloved Norton understands this, and please believe me when I say to you that in NO WAY did you ever short-change him or betray his trust.

When our companions come into our hearts our lives are changed for the better. They give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them without reservation and without any fear of rejection. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again. We are faced with the agonizingly painful journey - - both physically and emotionally - - of adjusting our continued earthly journey without their sweet physical presence. The good news is that the love bond we share with our beloved companions is not limited to the physical laws of time and space. The love bond you and your beloved Norton share is eternal, and your beloved Norton's sweet Living Spirit is forever with you in your heart and your memories. He is forever a part of you, and continues to share your earthly journey just as he always has and always will. He is forever a heartbeat close to you.

Norton's Mum, please let me try to reassure you that you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. There are no judgments made here, Norton's Mum. Please know this is a safe place where you can share whatever is in your heart and on your mind - - whatever you feel comfortable sharing with us.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Norton with us. Perhaps sometime you may feel up to sharing a picture(s) of him - - but only if / when you feel up to it. I hope today is being kind to you, Norton's Mum, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Norton's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Norton's Mum, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Norton's Mum]

Thank you so much Moon Beam for your kind words. It has taken me a lot of courage to share my story and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for understanding.

[DannysMom]

Hello, Norton's Mum, please accept my sincere sympathies on the loss of your beloved Norton. I am glad you posted your story here for us to read. We are not judging. We have all of us at one time or another been where you are now. As moon_beam said we do not have the gift of foreknowledge and we can only make decisions with the information and resources that we have at the time. Norton must have been so happy at your home, and I can tell you loved him and provided good care for him. Guilt is one of the feelings that is part of the grief journey. I lost my precious cat Danny almost 3 months ago, and I was wracked with guilt following his death. So I know what you are going through.

You mentioned in your post that you gave your dog Metacam. From what I understand this medication is relatively safe for dogs, but it is very harmful for cats. Please see: http://www.metacamkills.com/ It can cause renal failure and even death in cats. I was given it for my cat's arthritis a while back, but I never used it. Something inside of me strongly told me not to use it. Curiously I looked it up on the Web and found the above mentioned website and a few more like it. Again, it seems to be relatively safe for dogs, but apparently not for cats.

Norton's Mum, we are here for you to offer comfort, support, and encouragement. Nobody will judge you here. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I know that your beloved Norton wouldn't want you to torture yourself with guilt. He is safe and whole again in the company of the angels as moon_beam would say.

Hugs,
DannysMom

[Gretta's Mom]

Hello Norton's mum

My heart goes out to you in this most sorrowful time. Based on my own experience, I "third" what Moon Beam says. We don't have foreknowledge OR ESP. We do the best - no - we do much better than the best - with the information and circumstances we have.

I lost my Gretta - the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived - last April and I, too, was wracked with guilt. On her very last night on earth, when she should have been sleeping in my arms and us saying our good-byes, I was too scared to take her home from the vet school clinic where I had rushed her in mid-afternoon (she was in REAL trouble), so I asked them if they could keep her overnight. The next morning the vet school called me with a terrible report. The thing that pushed me over was that she hadn't voided for over 36 hours - a sure sign of kidney (and maybe other organs, too) failure. I asked the vet whether it was her time to go and the vet gave me the usual read-between-the-lines answer = meaning yes. So I went to the vet school and sent Gretta to the promised land, cudding her on my lap in my arms and sobbing my heart out.

I know a lot of old American folk songs and spirituals and used to make up Gretta-words on our walks. I still sing and still sob at two verses I made up to the tune of "The Hobo's Lullaby"

I'm sorry for the pain I caused you
All because I did not know
That you were sick and you were hurting
And that was why you walked so slow.

I'm sorry that I left you with them
On what would be you last night here.
Can you forgive me for that Gretta?
That's what my heart most wants to hear.

Everytime I though of what I had done or sang the song I wept. Just today, another LS-er, Love My Mickey, sent me two verses of Gretta's reply. (I'm such a klutz on this site I'm afraid to try copying them to this post, but they're on my post "I Love You Gretta, the last or second last post.) It wasn't until today, less than a month from her Angelversary, that the grief and guilt has a chance to start lessening. Love-My-Mickey's words can just as well be Norton's song to you, too.

Animals know who loves them. They are pure and give freely. I can tell from your writing that you and Norton were that rare "breed": soul-mates. Or as in the American Indian tradition - Norton is a spirit dog. Tonight, hold a warm soft pillow and it will contain a part of Norton's soul.

Please be gentle with yourself. Nothing on this earth is enough to make our beloved animals' lifespans as long as ours. We go into loving them knowing that we will suffer some of the worst heartache this world has to dish out.

Welcome to the LS family. You can tell by the posts that everyone here "gets it" and loves and supports all our LS brothers and sisters.

Peace and blessings

Gretta's mom

[Norton's Mum]

I'm sat here crying at the lovely responses to my post. Thank you for all the kind words. Nothing prepares you for the hurt when your pet dies but I feel I'm turning a corner from torturing myself. I know you are all really lovely people who have gone through the same pain as me and I feel so grateful to have found this site. I live in the Isle of Man so there's a time difference for my replies. Thank you all so much.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Norton's Mum, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. This grief journey is one of the hardest experiences we will know on this side of eternity. Even though we will never physically meet one another during our earthly journey, we are not strangers for we share a friendship that is very unique - - for we are introduced to one another through the eternal love bond of our beloved companions. And when we do meet one another at our appropriate time in heaven's perfect garden there will be no need for formal introductions.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Norton's Mum, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Norton's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Norton's Mum]

Just wanted to say I have felt much better since I posted my story and read the lovely replies. I've started to think more positively and trying not to feel so bad about things I got wrong. I can't change anything in the past and I know I would never have hurt my beautiful Norton on purpose. With hindsight I would do some things differently but I know Norton knows how much I loved him. I was thoughtless and selfish but I am only human, and as such I have made mistakes. But I have learnt from my mistakes and I am trying to heal. This journey has been a long hard one but I hope now to start healing. My family have all told me Norton had a good life and I shouldn't beat myself up but its always easy for someone else to say that. Anyway, my thoughts are with you all who are going through this awful grief and I pray you all have some peace.

[LoveMyMickey]

Dear Norton's Mum,

I am so sorry for your loss of Norton. I'm glad you are feeling better. I didn't know if you found my last 2 verses to Gretta's mom's song. I want to write them to you too.


Wooooo Wooooo Wooooo,

Mommy, in the end, as always,
You did nothing wrong,
No matter where I was,
I felt your love oh so strong.

I don't want you to be sad,
There is nothing to forgive.
A happy life, I want you
To always live.

"And I Will Always Love You"

Wooooo Wooooo Wooooo.......


Norton's Mum, you are in my thoughts and prayers....God Bless...

LoveMYMickey

[DannysMom]

Just wanted to say I have felt much better since I posted my story and read the lovely replies. I've started to think more positively and trying not to feel so bad about things I got wrong. I can't change anything in the past and I know I would never have hurt my beautiful Norton on purpose. With hindsight I would do some things differently but I know Norton knows how much I loved him. I was thoughtless and selfish but I am only human, and as such I have made mistakes. But I have learnt from my mistakes and I am trying to heal. This journey has been a long hard one but I hope now to start healing. My family have all told me Norton had a good life and I shouldn't beat myself up but its always easy for someone else to say that. Anyway, my thoughts are with you all who are going through this awful grief and I pray you all have some peace.

Dear Norton's Mum, I pray that you will have some peace as well. Please don't judge yourself so harshly. We are all only human, and none of us have the gift of foreknowledge. Being a caregiver, whether it is for a human or an animal, can take a toll on a person. Please be kind to yourself and take good care of yourself. You loved Norton very much, and he knew that, and he loved you.

[Norton's Mum]

Hi LoveMyMickey and DannysMom, thank you so much for your kind words. Thank you LoveMyMickey for the beautiful poem. I am taking one day at a time and trying hard not to judge myself so harshly. I am on a healing journey that seems to be taking forever. I'm guessing lots of people who come to a forum like this wish they could turn back time and do things differently. The sad fact is we can't. For the first year after Norton was put to sleep I blocked it out. I was distraught at first but then seemed to just carry on but then something just triggered all the hurt I'd not dealt with and 3 1/2 years later I am still trying to come to terms with it all. I tell myself I am only human and make mistakes but I also feel I'm the only one who has made these kind of mistakes and everyone else got it right. It is helping knowing I can come here and share my feelings. Thank you again for caring.

[DannysMom]

Hi LoveMyMickey and DannysMom, thank you so much for your kind words. Thank you LoveMyMickey for the beautiful poem. I am taking one day at a time and trying hard not to judge myself so harshly. I am on a healing journey that seems to be taking forever. I'm guessing lots of people who come to a forum like this wish they could turn back time and do things differently. The sad fact is we can't. For the first year after Norton was put to sleep I blocked it out. I was distraught at first but then seemed to just carry on but then something just triggered all the hurt I'd not dealt with and 3 1/2 years later I am still trying to come to terms with it all. I tell myself I am only human and make mistakes but I also feel I'm the only one who has made these kind of mistakes and everyone else got it right. It is helping knowing I can come here and share my feelings. Thank you again for caring.

Norton's Mum, I am so glad to hear that you are taking the grief journey one day at a time. As moon_beam would say sometimes we can only live it moment by moment. What you are dealing with is called 'delayed grief'. When grief is delayed, and then something happens that triggers the grief it feels like an avalanche hitting us. Norton's Mum, if you read through some of the other stories in the 'Death and Dying Pet Support' forum you will find that indeed many people have the same kind of feelings that you do. I am one of them. After my sweet Danny boy died I was torturing myself with guilt. This is when we need kind people who can help us see things objectively. Have you thought about starting a journal and writing down your thoughts? This can help tremendously, as it allows you to read over your thoughts and track your progress in the grief journey.

Hugs,
DannysMom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Norton's Mum, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. When we are consumed with deep grief, our defense mechanisms automatically kick in to protect us from being totally consumed with all the emotions. Eventually, though, the grief does need to be reckoned with at a time when we are better able to deal with it. Delayed grief is no less painful to deal with - - but I promise you, Norton's Mum, you will be okay. We are here for you, Norton's Mum, through every step of your journey - - you are not alone.

I hope today is being kind to you, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Norton's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Norton's Mum]

Hi DannysMom, Thank you for your reply. I will take your advice and write a journal. I have written several letters to Norton telling him how sorry I am for all the things I got wrong and that has helped. I am trying to focus on the good times we had. I will get through this and I'm so grateful for all the help and advice I am getting from yourself and others on the forum. Thanks again. You have no idea how much it means to me.

[Norton's Mum]

Thank you moon beam for your lovely comments. It is helping being able to share my thoughts with everyone and I am so grateful that everyone is being so kind and supportive.