Peanut 6/3/1996-1/28/2012 Options

[missyb0o]

Hello everyone. I would like to tell you a little bit about my Peanut. Peanut was my best friend. My cat was my rock. I was given him as a birthday present from my ex-husband. Peanut has been through all of the ups and downs with me. He has been there during an abusive, horrible marriage where he was the only one I could turn to. He was there through my divorce. Peanut helped me to start over and begin again. Some people may think that animals do not know what is going on with their humans, but Peanut sure did. He soothed me when I was upset, cared for me when I was sick, gave me something to look forward to everyday. He slept with me, watched tv with me, took naps with me, and sometimes bathed with me not as his first choice I am sure! He was always there. My little shadow. I am so lost without him. I have another cat which is my husband's cat, but that is his cat. My cat is gone. Funny, I even looked for Peanut's approval when I started ****** after my divorce and got remarried. He didn't take well to strangers as he was abused too. I knew when my boyfriends met him whether they were keepers or not. Needless to say, Peanut tolerated and eventually grew to like my current husband. They say animals are the best judges of character. Peanut was my baby. He was my only child. Due to an auto-immune disease, I can never have children so I suppose that I assumed a mama role with him.

Peanut was very smart. I taught him to play fetch and he actually returned his little rainbow balls to me. I taught him how to say 'mama'. He always answered me when I spoke to him and came when called. I just do not know what to do without him. I have a huge. empty hole in my chest where he was kept. I am alone quite a bit. Due to my disability, my husband works 3rd shift so that I do not have to work or want for anything. So during the day he is asleep. At night, I am all alone because he is gone. When my insomnia or anxiety kicks up, Peanut was always right there. He would lay on my left shoulder over my heart and wrap his little head around my neck to purr in my ear. His purring always calmed me and helped me to sleep. Now he is gone. I just cannot comprehend how a cat can go from healthy and playful to dead in a matter of months.

I had to take him to the vet at the beginning of January. I was concerned about his breath having a bad odor. We had seen the vet in October prior and the vet said he was too old for a dental. Well the breath got really bad and he was acting a little sick so I took him in. The vet said he had an upper respiratory bug and needed some antibiotics. Well the meds did not help. He then was acting like he couldn't chew his food. So I took him back to the vet thinking he broke a tooth or something. Well that appointment changed my life forever. The vet he saw, pronounced him in advanced renal failure. How could that be? He was perfectly fine last week? She gave him fluids and another shot of antibiotics, took his blood and gave him a shot for pain. Told me to bring him back for a recheck next week. He never did get any better. His condition deteriorated rapidly. In a 3 week period he had lost so much weight and eventually quit eating, drinking, and going to the bathroom.

I had to have him euthanized which I know was the right thing but I feel soo horrible about it. The day of his death, I didn't even notice that he had no circulation in his feet. His pads and gums were blue. How could I be so unobservant to not even notice? I sat up with him for days trying to make him comfortable. His whole last night he didn't sleep or even lay down. Just walked in circles on the ottoman and sat. All night long. He wouldn't let me touch him or hold him or anything. I do not know how to get over the horror of the actual act of euthanasia. I watched him go so I was the last face he saw. I was there the whole time. I keep reliving the whole thing every time I close my eyes to sleep. Do the nightmares and guilt ever stop?!? Does the pain ever go away?!? How do people go on, especially when their lives were built around a beloved pet that was a bigger part of their lives than first thought? I can't stop crying. I do have clear moments which are becoming more and more frequent every day. But the pain in my heart is still a white hot fire that rips through me. So far, 2012 has not been a good year for me. All I can say is that I am sorry Peanut. I did the best I could. Good night sweet prince.

Thank you all for listening or should I reading.
Missy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Missy, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Peanut. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Missy, this grief journey is a very painful adjustment to the physical absence of our companions - - both physically and emotionally. It is a one day at a time journey, sometimes a one moment at a time journey. Unfortunately there is no way to fast forward or completely delete the grief journey. There is no date we can circle on the calendar that we can say this is the day that all the sorrow and heart pain will be over. But please let me try to reassure you, Missy, that one day when you least expect it you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Peanut and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and you will feel the warmth of your beloved Peanut filling your heart with his eternal love. The only reason why you can't feel it right now is because your heart is filled with the deepest sorrow you will know on this side of eternity, and this is normal, Missy. I hope it will bring you comfort to know that the love bond you and your beloved Peanut share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Peanut's sweet Living Spirit is forever with you in your heart and your memories - - he is forever a heartbeat close to you.

Missy, from what you have shared with us it sounds to me that you did everything in your power to give your Peanut a happy, healthy, and loved earthly journey. Our companions are masters at disgusing and hiding how they are feeling. It is part of their genetics they inherit from their wild cousins. To show any sign of weakness, any sign of illness or injury makes them vulnerable. It is only until they can no longer disguise or hide how they are feeling that they allow us to become aware that they are not well. By this time the illness / injury has taken hold of their physical bodies. Sometimes veterinary medicine can help provide them a good quality of life. Sometimes - - as the case of your beloved Peanut - - the illness has taken a toll on their body to the point that the only thing we can do for them is to release them from their failing, frail, painful physical bodies. Please know that your beloved Peanut is eternally grateful for your enduring eternal love for him. The reason why your heart feels so empty is because he has taken a part of your heart - - a piece of the part that you and your beloved Peanut shared during his earthly journey - - with him so that he can have a part of you with him until it is your appropriate time to join him in eternal joy.

Missy, I know right now there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss that is in your heart. One of the many things you need to remember during your grief journey is that you are not alone. You are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. I hope the words I share with you will bring you some comfort, support, and encouragement as you travel your adjustment journey.

Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Peanut with us, and for the wonderful picture of him. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Missy, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[missyb0o]

Thank you moon_beam for your kind words. It really means a lot to me and you do not even know me. I suppose this is the hardest thing by far that I have ever done in my life. Last year I lost my grandfather and my childhood cat too. Clarence was a mirror image of Peanut and died at age 22. Now poor Peanut is gone too. I guess what hurts the most, besides losing my best friend, is the exorbitant amount of money that I spent on his care the last 3 weeks of his life. And not once did his regular vet ever see him. They passed us along from doctor to doctor at the vet's office. I guess $1200 in 3 weeks does not even equate a condolence card at this place or even a phone call from his own doctor. I know that I did the right thing. I couldn't let him suffer even a little bit for my own selfishness. It wasn't fair. I knew when he stopped eating it was close to time.

I chose to have Peanut cremated. My husband and his family ALWAYS cremate their beloved felines. However, I was quite shocked when after paying $400 for cremation of an 8 pound cat that he was returned to me in a flimsy white plastic box held together with a rubber band. The only identification on the box was an office name tag sticker with the last name printed on it. Our last vet, Peanut's original doctor in the previous city we lived in, cremated my husband's childhood cat in 2009. We got a nice little tin with paw prints on it and a commemorative sticker on the bottom listing his name, birth date, and date of death. I also paid half the price. I guess it goes to show that in some instances a more expensive vet does not equal a better quality of care like I thought it would. I would give up everything I owned for my cat to help him be well. We even got a card from the first vet after the passing.

I know that I am moving through my grief in my own time. I am just worried that when we move (in 8 weeks) that Peanut's spirit will stay here and not go with me. I can't even feel his presence either like I did the other cats when they left. I really hope he made it to wherever he was going and not stuck in limbo somewhere because I killed him. I just wish the nightmares would stop. I will carry the guilt the rest of my life but I don't know how long I can go without sleeping. Thanks again for your kind words.


Missy

[Cheri]

Missyb0o
First may I please offer you my sincerest condolences for the loss of Peanut. What a pretty kitty! I to once had a white baby, she lived to be 20 years old. I think the white kitties are by far the prettiest of all! I too lost my kitty, Diego,to euthanaisia this year on New Years eve. He was 13 years old, and his health issues just got the best of him. I just want you to remember you did give Peanut the greatest gift of all by easing his pain. What has kept me going on is by remembering that just keeping my baby alive one more day would've been too much for him. He would've suffered pain and eventually a horrible death needlessly had I waited a moment longer, which would only serve my needs. Remember that day as the day of you giving your baby peace and the forever life into the next world. Chose to keep the happy moments you describe here in your thoughts, they are the real moments of his whole life with you. You are the best cat parent around and any kitty would love to have been Peanut, he was also lucky to have you! I promise, in time you will be able to smile again..do so in honor of Peanut!
But for now, what I see from your words is a kind, nurturing person who would and did do anything for their cat!
You were the best thing in Peanuts life ( as he was in yours) and you will always have him in your heart,
You already do.
Cheri

[moon_beam]

Hi Missy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I am so sorry that your beloved Peanut's ashes were treated with such disregard by the vet office / cremation service. It seems you have been pushed asunder in a myriad of directions with little compassion from those who are supposed to know better. This just adds to the sorrow, and I am so very sorry you have endured this unkindness.

Please let me try to reassure you that your beloved Peanut's sweet Living Spirit will be with you wherever you are and whatever you do. His sweet Living Spirit is not confined to the physical laws of time and space - - and his only desire is to be forever in your heart and your memories - - to always be a heartbeat close to you. So plesae put your heart and your mind at ease about moving. Your beloved Peanut wants you to enjoy your new home and he will be with you.

When we are in deep grief we experience many physical symptoms that goes along with the stress - - lack of appetite, insomnia, to name a couple. It is important that you try to find a way to get some peaceful rest, Missy. If you are unable to get any sleep, this will begin to cause additional physical problems which would not be healthy for you. You may want to call your doctor. There are non-addictive sleep aids that your doctor would be able to help you try on a short-term basis until you get you're able to get back to your normal sleep patterns. The stress of grief does affect how our brains function, including sleep. This is a physical reaction to your grief, and usually it does resolve by itself. However, if you're having a lot of difficulty you may want to speak with your doctor.

Missy, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how things are going for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam