My Little Buddy Has Passed On.... Options

[buddy]

Hi All,

I lost my little Buddy a little over a week ago and am really struggling to get through this. Buddy meant the world to me. In addition to the pain from loosing him, I am also experiencing a lot of guilt from euthanizing him.. What I wouldn't give to have more time with him!

Buddy was only 9. At age 5, he was diagnosed with auto-immune encephalitis. Thankfully, at the time, I was living in Boston and he received the best possible care from Angell Memorial hospital. After we got this issue under control (which took quite some time), he was doing pretty well. He remained on a low dose of steroids, however. Over the past year, I've noticed a difference in him. He wasn't as "happy" as usual, but didn't really exhibit any serious health issues....until about 4 weeks ago. He had a bad case of diarrhea and was vomiting. I took him to the vet immediately....long story short, we discovered his kidenys were failing (pretty bad case, all values were off the charts). they gave him fluids, which helped initially. I continued to give him subq fluids at home. But we stopped eating and slept most of the time. After a few discussions with the vet, we decided it was time. I had a few days with him before the scheduled appointment. What bothers me the most was that the day of the appointment, he looked great. The best he looked in a long time. The vet said that we should still go through with putting him down (his bad days out numbered his good days -- and having him end happy is a good thing).

I wonder if I did the right thing by him. Did I fight hard enough for him?

I miss him terribly. I live by myself -- everything I did somehow revolved around him. I feel so alone and empty. The pain I am feeling is overwhelming. Few people understand. I went to a christmas party for work today (only because I felt I had to) and got questions from someone asking me if I "had more free time now that I didn't have to walk a dog anymore..." Crazy! I know he didn't mean to hurt my feelings, he just doesn't understand.

I'm just not sure how to get through this....how do you deal with the pain and overwhelming guilt?

Miss you, Buddy!

Buddy's mom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Buddy's mom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Buddy. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Buddy's mom, your vet was very wise in encouraging you to go ahead with the scheduled procedure. It is not uncommon for our companions to "rally" for a brief time -- if only a few hours - - before they totally crash. If you had decided to wait, it is very likely that your beloved Buddy could have gone into convulsions and respiratory distress AFTER regular veterinary hours, which would have meant an emergency drive to an ER vet - - all the while your beloved Buddy either being in distress or not surviving the trip. Then you would be dealing with the guilt of "why did I wait". From many experiences with companions, when the kidneys fail, there is nothing that can stop the process of the physical body failing. It's not just the kidneys - - it's the fluid that builds up in the lungs, around the heart, etc., the toxins that build up in the blood stream because they are not being filtered through the kidneys and eliminated -- and so on. So please let your heart be at peace - - your beloved Buddy is forever grateful to you for releasing him from his failing, painful, frail physical body.

Indeed, when our companions come into our hearts and home they become the center of our universe. They are totally dependent upon us for their every need - - every moment of every day - - their food, their exercise, their medical care, their emotional well being. They give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention and we in turn surrender ourselves to them completely without reservation and without fear of rejection. When they precede us to the angels, our lives are changed enormously - - we are faced with the enormous task of re-inventing our lives without the blessing of their sweet precious physical presence. The good news is that the love bond we share with them is eternal -- it is not dependent upon the physical laws of time and space. Although it is a very painful grief journey adjusting our daily lives without our companions needing us to take care of their every need, their sweet Living Spirit continues to share our earthly journey just as they always have and always will. Your beloved Buddy is forever a part of you - - he is forever in your heart and your memories - - he is forever a heartbeat close to you.

Buddy's mom, one of the many important things for you to remember is that you are not alone in your grief adjustment journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. You are among friends here.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Buddy with us. Perhaps sometime you will like to share a picture of him with us - - but only if / when you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Buddy's Mom, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[merlin96]

Hi Buddy's Mom --

I was really taken by your post because I lost my Jack to kidney failure in 2009. It is a terrible way to lose a companion animal (not that there are any good ways) but the only good thing I could say about it was that it became very clear to me very quickly that I had to make the decision to let him go. It took me a few days, but only a few days, to realize he was really suffering and that as much as I didn't want to lose him, it was only for my own interests that I could even consider prolonging his life. Even at that, like your Buddy, my Jack rallied at the last minute. I did, unlike you, call the vet and reschedule our appointment. I extended the inevitable 2 more days and while at the time it seemed to me that Jack was relatively better, now that I'm able to look at it more objectively, I think I can say honestly that his improvement probably only represented a lessening in degrees of suffering and he most likely would have been better off if I hadn't delayed his release. This is to say to you that you did the best thing for your sweet Buddy. You did the most unselfish and kindest thing you could. Kidney failure, once it reaches the stage where there is no option but to euthanize and the animal isn't eaitng and is sleeping most of the time, is irreversible and very painful.

I'm so very very sorry for your loss. I also live alone and know how devastatingly lonely it is to lose a companion animal and come home to that empty house. I don't even work, so my entire life revolves around my animals and I really understand what you say in your post. Your co-worker's comments were thoughtless and uninentionally cruel; I have been the recipient of similarly thoughtless comments. I think people just don't understand the bond we form with our animals. That is truly their loss.

Take care and know there are many people on this board who understand your grief and pain and will keep you in their thoughts and prayers.

[buddy]

Dear Moon-beam and Merlin96,

Thank you both very much for your kind messages. Your words and stories have given me great comfort and are very much appreciated as I begin to work through my guilt and grief. The last few days have been really tough. I have been feeling as though I failed Buddy in some way. I think I have replayed every single day of his last week and every single conversation with my vet over in my head a million times wondering “what if I would have done this instead…” The last thing I would ever want is for Buddy to suffer...

The house is so quiet. Coming home to an empty house breaks my heart. I miss Buddy terribly. I know he will always be in my heart, but what I wouldn’t give for another hug and kiss.
I have been trying to remain focused on all of the good times Buddy and I shared over the years. I have attached two of my favorite pictures of Buddy. These are from different stages in his life (one when he was very young and one from this past year).

Thanks again to you both for your supportive and comforting words. Your presence means a lot.

Buddy’s Mom

Attached image(s)

 

[moon_beam]

Hi, Buddy's Mom, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing your beloved Buddy with us. He is soooo adorable!!! How blessed you are to have the privilege of being his Forever Mom -- to be the one to always treasure his earthly journey and his sweet Living Spirit in your heart and memories.

Buddy's Mom, it is normal - - although painful - - to "replay" the final events - - the final days, weeks - - of our beloved companions' earthly journey with us. Losing a beloved companion is a very traumatic event in our lives. Hopefully in time the deep grief pain associated with these memories will be eased by the joy of the many wonderful memories you have of your beloved Buddy's earthly journey wiith you. This takes time, Buddy's Mom, and we are here for you to help you through every part of your grief journey.

We experience so many different emotions, sometimes overwhelming us all at one time - - and unfortunately guilt is one of those normal emotions that all of us have to work through - - and it is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile. Guilt comes from looking back over all the things we didin't understand at the time - - things we "thought" weren't quite right but nothing positive to let us "know" that things were not right, etc.. Our beloved companions understand that we are mere mortals - - we do not have the gift of "foreknowledge". They understand that we can only do our best with the information that we have at any given moment, and they KNOW BEYOND ALL SHADOW OF A DOUBT that we would move heaven and earth, walk through hot roiling lava or over hot burning coals to give them a healthy and happy earthly journey. Unfortunately their physical bodies are similar to ours - - they are not designed for immortality on this side of eternity. The good news is that they are forever a part of us - - they are forever in our hearts and our memories -- they are always a heartbeat close to us. I hope in time you will come to a peace in your heart knowing that you did NOT fail your beloved Buddy in any way, shape, or form. Your beloved Buddy is eternally grateful to you for all your love and devotion.

Buddy's Mom, this grief journey is both emotionally and physically painful. You may find it comforting to hold onto a blanket or towel or toy or his collar - - something - - that will help you through this very painful physical adjustment of not being able to hold his sweet physical body. For me - - when each of my companions joined the angels I slept with their collar under my pillow and held tightly to a toy or a blanket or towel when the pain of physical separation seemed too overwhelming to bear. No, this is not the same as holding their precious physical body - - but these articles are a part of them - - a part of the life we share with them - - and therefore can help bridge the enormous physical pain of adjusting to their physical absence.

Buddy's Mom, this grief adjustment journey can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. It is important that you allow yourself the opportunity to grieve -- - as you feel comfortable doing. Some people think that if they suppress the grief they are feeling that it will make the pain of loss go away. Clinical studies prove the opposite is true - - it is very important to allow yourself to grieve, for suppressed grief can inflict more harm both physically and emotionally and will eventually need to be dealt with. The tears you cry, Buddy's Mom, release the toxins that build up in the body from the stress of grief.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can take away the seering pain of grief you are feeling in your heart. I can only hope and pray that somehow in some way the words I share with you will bring some comfort, encouragement, and hope to you as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Buddy with us, and for letting us know how you're doing. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Buddy's Mom, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Hermy's Mommy]

Dear Buddy's Mom,

Please accept my deepest condolences on the loss of your dear Buddy. Thank you for sharing his story and photos. He is precious!

I'm sorry you are in such pain. As moon_beam has so eloquently said, everything you are feeling and experiencing is normal. Even the guilt and the replaying of his last week. During the first week after my bunny Hermy passed away, I felt guilty all the time and about every single decision I did or did not make. It's been four weeks now and I still replay her last moments, wondering "what if" and "if only I had done this."

I also wanted to comment on your co-worker's insensitivity and assure you that you're not alone. I heard similar things from my family and close friends. I immediately distanced myself from these people, especially during the acute grief phase. I'm convinced that they will never understand our situation or our grief because they never had the privilege and honor to share the incredible love bond we had and still have with our beloved pets. Thanks to everyone in this forum I found the best support and understanding during this difficult time.

I hope you are taking care of yourself. I know it's difficult (I stopped eating and sleeping for a week). It's especially difficult now that the holidays are approaching. You and your darling Buddy are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,
Hermy's Mommy (Lisa)

[merlin96]

Hi Buddy's Mom -

I wanted to check back again to see how you are doing. It will take you a while just to get used to coming home to an empty house. I know when Jack passed, I never even picked up the water bowls or toys or anything. Then I ended up adopting another dog -- my Sweetie -- and so I literally never picked any of that stuff up. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't adopted Sweetie as quickly as I ended up doing. I didn't do it to replace Jack; it was just the way events unfolded. But I will say I was truly challenged by the idea of doing those things. To this very day, I still have a package of pork chops in my freezer that I never cooked because I always shared them with Jack so I couldn't deal with cooking them after he died yet I couldn't quite face throwing them out. I guess in some ways I still find myself in limbo.

Buddy is such a beautiful dog. What a sweet face. Hang in there. Just take it one day at a time and allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel. It's the only way to get through it. I'm thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

[buddy]

Hi Moon-beam, Hermy’s Mommy and Merlin96,

Thanks to each of you for your messages. Your words of encouragement and support are very comforting and I thank you for your time and concern.

This was a tough weekend for me. I tried to stay busy, but really had no desire (or motivation) to do much of anything. I miss Buddy so very much. He was such a large part of my life, which has only become clearer with him not here. Much like Merlin96, I haven’t been able to put away any of Buddy’s things – just can’t bring myself to do it yet. I have been sleeping with Buddy’s collar and his favorite blanket, which has been helpful (thanks for the suggestion, Moon_beam).

I’ve been trying to focus on some of the happy (and often hilarious) times Buddy and I shared. This has been comforting at times, while at the same time quite painful. For Christmas, I will be traveling to my parent’s house. They have Buddy’s brothers (one of which was his litter-mate). Buddy so loved to play with them! I’m not sure how I am going to feel when I see them…or how they will react when I arrive without Buddy.

I want to thank all of you again. Being able to discuss Buddy and what I am going through with people who understand is very therapeutic. Thank you.

Buddy’s Mom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Buddy's Mom, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me reassure you that what you are feeling is perfectly normal: "I tried to stay busy, but really had no desire (or motivation) to do much of anything." When we are in deep grief, all of our energy is going toward "survival" - - to do just what is absolutely needed. The energy levels are very low, concentration on anything requires enormous energy to focus, - - so it is important that you do not press yourself to "do things" other than what is absolutely needed (work, errands, etc.) until you begin to truly feel "up" to doing them.

"I haven’t been able to put away any of Buddy’s things – just can’t bring myself to do it yet."

Buddy's Mom, there is no rush at all for you to put your beloved Buddy's belongings away. I still have my beloved Oslo's toys out, and the life-size stuffed toy Black Lab I got several years ago has his seatbelt harness and collar on it - - and it is in the corner of the basement living quarters where I can see it just about wherever I am. And I have toys that my beloved Eli and Abbygayle played with still out - - and once in awhile my little Noah will bat them around like he used to when he played with his big adopted kitty brother and his beautiful baby sister. And - - I still have the mattress that my Oslo laid on in the van - - it helps me to feel his sweet presence with me when I'm out and about on the road going to work, running errands, etc.. So - - take your time with this, Buddy's Mom - - there is no rush.

I can so understand how you're feeling about going to visit your parents over Christmas and seeing your beloved Buddy’s brothers. This can be very comforting, and I hope you will find this to be true.

Buddy's Mom, thank you again so much for sharing with us how you're doing and your beloved Buddy. I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening. I hope you will find comfort and encouragement in the words I have shared with you, Buddy's Mom. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blesings,
moon_beam

[autumn leaves]

Hi All,

I lost my little Buddy a little over a week ago and am really struggling to get through this. Buddy meant the world to me. In addition to the pain from loosing him, I am also experiencing a lot of guilt from euthanizing him.. What I wouldn't give to have more time with him!

Buddy was only 9. At age 5, he was diagnosed with auto-immune encephalitis. Thankfully, at the time, I was living in Boston and he received the best possible care from Angell Memorial hospital. After we got this issue under control (which took quite some time), he was doing pretty well. He remained on a low dose of steroids, however. Over the past year, I've noticed a difference in him. He wasn't as "happy" as usual, but didn't really exhibit any serious health issues....until about 4 weeks ago. He had a bad case of diarrhea and was vomiting. I took him to the vet immediately....long story short, we discovered his kidenys were failing (pretty bad case, all values were off the charts). they gave him fluids, which helped initially. I continued to give him subq fluids at home. But we stopped eating and slept most of the time. After a few discussions with the vet, we decided it was time. I had a few days with him before the scheduled appointment. What bothers me the most was that the day of the appointment, he looked great. The best he looked in a long time. The vet said that we should still go through with putting him down (his bad days out numbered his good days -- and having him end happy is a good thing).

I wonder if I did the right thing by him. Did I fight hard enough for him?

I miss him terribly. I live by myself -- everything I did somehow revolved around him. I feel so alone and empty. The pain I am feeling is overwhelming. Few people understand. I went to a christmas party for work today (only because I felt I had to) and got questions from someone asking me if I "had more free time now that I didn't have to walk a dog anymore..." Crazy! I know he didn't mean to hurt my feelings, he just doesn't understand.

I'm just not sure how to get through this....how do you deal with the pain and overwhelming guilt?

Miss you, Buddy!

Buddy's mom

Buddys Mom,
Your story really hit home with me, I felt a lot of similarities. I live alone and had my dog Zoey euthanized a month ago. Please hang in there, Buddy wants you happy. My girl was 9 also, and now my house is empty and lonely. I have even met a girlfriend, but nothing takes the place of the routines Zoey and I went thru together.
She is part border collie so very active and suddenly came up limp one day in late October. After doctors and MRI's, the verdict was removing her leg and much of her pelvis would still not be a sure fix because these types of tumors return quickly. I decieded that the fact was she would not be able to enjoy the life she was used to and it would get worse. I was prepared to make her comfortable and spend as much time as I could, but she went downhill fast and when she had trouble breathing and even walking on her good legs, I made up my mind. I only wanted her to be put out of her pain and confusion.
I was sure I did the right thing and now all I do is second guess my decision. When we were together, I used to think of how much I wished I didnt have to take the extra time needed to care for her, when I was in a hurry, or just wanted to do something else. Now I feel guilty that I felt that way.
Did I put her to sleep too fast? Just a few days before she seemed fine. I would change so many things but the one thing I would not change is this. Knowing what the doctor said AND what I know about my baby. I knew I should let her go, and I believe you did too.
You obviuosly loved Buddy madly, so be glad you were there for him in his life, and think good thoughts about him. Take care.
Jerry