Please Help Me Options

[MUPPIESMOMMY]

I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF ADVICE.I AM SO UPSET THAT I DONT THINK I CAN LIVE WITH THIS.MY NAME IS SAMANTHA.I AM 42 YRS OLD.THREE WEEKS AGO MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER.I WANT TO GO BACK THREE WEEKS AGO GOD PLEASE SO I CAN SAVE MY DOG.I DONT KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IN WORDS THE DEEP
HORRIABLE PAIN THAT NEVER LEAVES ME NOT FOR A MINUTE OR EVEN A SECOND.THE PAIN THAT I CANNOT ESCAPE FROM EVER SINCE THE DAY MY 2 YR OLD PITBULL MUPPIE LOST
HIS LIFE.I WENT TO JAIL BECAUSE OF SOME UNPAID TICKETS.THAT JAIL STAY COST MY MUPPIE HIS LIFE, WHILE I WAS IN JAIL SOMEONE CALLED THE POUND AND THEY CAME AND
TOOK MY BABY AND 5 DAYS LATER HE WAS DEAD.I FEEL LIKE MY CHILD WAS MURDERED.GOD HELP ME I CANNOT STAND THE GUILT I CANNOT ACCEPT THAT HE IS GONE.I WANT TO
SCREAM UNTIL THE PAIN IS GONE.I CANT CLOSE MY EYES BECAUSE ALL I SEE IS HIS LITTLE FACE.THE NOT KNOWING WHAT HE WENT THRU THE LAST 5 DAYS OF HIS LIFE IS KILLING ME,I KNOW HE WAS SCARED AND CONFUSED AND I KNOW HE WAITED FOR HIS MOMMY TO COME GET HIM BUT I NEVER CAME AND THEN THE DAY HE WAS MURDERED WHAT WAS
GOING THRU HIS HEAD?DID HE KNOW THAT THEY WERE GOING TO KILL HIM?HE MUST HAVE BEEN FRANTIC TO GET AWAY AND GO HOME BUT HE COULDNT.I CANT LIVE WITH THIS
GUILT.I WANT MY BOY TO COME HOME AND SLEEP WITH ME LIKE HE DID EVERY NITE OF HIS LIFE.GOD HELP ME THIS PAIN IS TOO MUCH FOR ME.I CANNOT ACCEPT THAT HE IS
GONE. THIS CANT BE HAPPENING.WHY WOULD THEY KILL HIM?DIDNT THEY KNOW HOW VERY MUCH HE WAS LOVED?AND I CANNOT STAND TO BE AWAKE THE REALITY THAT I WILL NEVER
AGAIN SEE MY BABY BOY IS KILLING ME.I MISS MY DOG.I AM SO SORRY MY BABY BOY MOMMIE IS SO SORRY .I MISS YOU SO MUCH.I AM SO SORRY THAT THEY HURT YOU.YOU WERE
SUCH A GOOD BOY.I AM JUST SO SORRY.I WAS ALWAYS SO CAREFUL WITH MUPPIE ALWAYS KEPT HIM SAFE BUT IN THE END WHEN IT REALLY MATTERED I COULDNT SAVE HIM.I KNOW HE WONDERED WHY I DIDNT COME GET HIM.PLEASE GOD I HOPE HE IS OKAY NOW.I AM SO SAD..I WANT TO GO BACK SO I CAN SAVE HIM.I CANT EVEN GO HOME CAUSE IT REMINDS
ME OF HIM.HIS TOYS AND EVERYTHING WERE STILL IN THE SAME PLACE THEY WERE WHEN I WENT TO JAIL.I HOPE HE KNEW HOW VERY MUCH I LOVE HIM AND MISS HIM.I WANT TO
SHARE MY CEREAL WITH HIM LIKE WE DID EVERY MORNING.I CANT STAND THIS PAIN.MY DOG CANNOT BE DEAD.

[leejaye]

Dear Samantha, What an incredibly crazily hard way to be parted from your boy - my heart is breaking for you. You are in the deep dark hole of grief and guilt and agony, the grief is a vicious thing to deal with, so please please don't torture yourself with the guilt - I've never met an animal who knew about blame, they only know about love (especially someone as loved as Muppie sounds), you can bet he knows about the incredible burden you are carrying and is loving you still, wishing he could ease it. Life in these days, weeks, months after our loss is a massive process of adjustments - please come here whenever you need to, the people here really understand and we will do whatever we can to help you. I hope the universe is gentle with you, sending the biggest hugs i can, Leejaye

[MUPPIESMOMMY]

I JUST CANT BELIVE HE IS GONE.I CANT EVEN GO HOME CAUSE HIS BOWL AND TOYS ARE THERE AND IT HURTS TO BAD.I JUST WANT HIM BACK.I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO DIE.MY HEART IS SO HEAVY.I MISS YOU MY BOY.MOMMY IS SO SORRY THAT U ARE GONE,I LOVE U.I PRAY THAT SOMEDAY I WILL SEE U AGAIN.I WANT TO KISS YOUR FACE ONE MORE TIME AND TELL U I LOVE U.GOD IT HURTS SO BAD,PLEASE I JUST WANT MY MUPPIE BACK.

[leejaye]

Dear Samantha, Those physical reminders are so hard, I left my girl's water and food bowls right where they were, as much as it hurt to look at them the hole without them was harder, hang on to the knowledge that you and Muppie loved (and still do), hold onto something of his that he loved, - I don't know, these things helped me. I so remember the "but I just want you back" and the deep deep stomach clenching ache, hoping for some peace for you, Leejaye

[MUPPIESMOMMY]

I CANT SLEEP OR EVEN CLOSE MY EYES.I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT MY BABY BOY.I HATE THAT I DIDNT GET TO SAY GOODBYE.I FEEL I HAVE NO CLOOSER.I DONT THINK I CAN TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS

[MUPPIESMOMMY]

Knowing
If I had known that on that day our time was near the end
I would have done things differently, my forever friend.
I would have stayed right next to you deep into the night
but I thought I'd see you in the early morning light.

And so I said "Good night" to you as I walked in through the door
never thinking of the time when I'd see you no more.
But if I had known that on that day our time was at the end
I would have done things so differently, my forever friend.

[Gretta's Mom]

Dear Muppie's mom

Someone in a post above here said it perfectly: there has never been a loved animal who knew anything about blame, anger, rejecting others ... Loved animals like you Muppie only know about the loving, kind things of this universe.

OMG - how I remember the dayss right after I lost my Gretta llast year - bleeding to deeath from the heart - shot in the heart constantly by high-powered rifles of sadness and grief and anger and guilt.

Be assured of four things, though
1. Your Muppie LIVES and one day you will join her in the perfect World.
2. There are no "should's" - grieve in your own way at your own time. I, too, left Gretta's bowls and toys and clothes right where they were and they're still there 14 months later. In fact the first week I was so crushed that in order to feel closer to her I slept in her big orthopedic bed. (I'm a solo so I can get away with more extreme behavior than those who live with others..)
3. Muppie felt and feels you huge, curing, reassuring love every minute of her life - which started when time began and will continue until time ends.
4. We're always here. We hear your screams for help and every one of us would mke that searing pain go away if we could. Only time - a LOT of time- will do that. Meanwhile your only "job" is to breathe, take a little nourishment and get a little rest. And these are plenty hard enough assignments! Muppie is sending down rays of love on you and someday soon you will see or hear or feel a tiny, tiny, oh so tiny signal of her continued presence right by your side.

Don't give up, Muppie's mom. It's only because you loved Muppie so much that you're hurting so much now. Here's some love and strength for you to use to get through your day. I'll check back tonight.

Blessings to you and Muppie

Gretta's mom

[MUPPIESMOMMY]

I MISS U SO MUCH TODAY MY BOY.IT'S BEEN A MONTH SINCE U WENT TO HEAVEN.MOMMY MISSES U SO MUCH.I LOVE U AND I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY.I AM LOST WITHOUT U.PLEASE BE OK.I AM SO SAD.
LOVE.

YOUR MOMMIE

[Bobbie]

Dear Samantha (Muppie's Mommy)

I am so sorry that you are having to spend yours and Muppie's one-month Angel-versary so incredibly sad and tortured. Each milestone that you reach will have it's own set of feelings, emotions and actions. I barely made it to Trevor's one week angel-versary at the time.

Muppie's Mommy, I DO KNOW how hard and sad these days are for you. There are no words in the English language that can even come close to describing the pain, lonliness, guilt and sorrow that you feel. And every last one of them are NORMAL and will take their own time to, ever so slowly, become a bit less sharp and hurtful. Oh, the hurt never does go away completely and still surprises me from time to time, but things will get easier. That I do promise you.

TIME is an incredible "healing" tool. It works on it's own schedule, never yours, but it is constantly working to help you a little at a time. See? That word "time" turns up everywhere. As you are able to tolerate each SECOND that goes by; then each MINUTE that passes; at some point, each HOUR slips behind you and then even a DAY comes and goes. All I am talking about here is the time that has passed, not the feelings or thoughts or anything else. TIME puts a sort of distance between right now and then (when Muppie passed). Time allows us to add experiences or happenings or whatever you want to call them into our mind. This, somehow, has the effect of gently "blunting" the severity of our pain, hurt, sorrow, guilt, etc. Time does not take these away, ever, but softly buffers us from the constant "first feelings" we had.

Just as an example, think back to if/when you ever broke a bone or had surgery. At that time the pain was really strong and awful, but now, after time has passed (perhaps several years) you cannot actually "feel" the same degree of pain that you did at the time. Oh, you know you had pain, but you don't remember the severity.

Something like that happens with our losing our best friends. Be assured that we NEVER forget them and the loving feelings NEVER change, but there is something that will catch you by surprise one day. And that is your realizing that you don't hurt quite as badly as you did in the beginning. (Remember "the beginning" can take quite some time itself.) Oh, this diminishes none of your love and loss of Muppie. It just seems to take that "edge" away just a bit. I know I was completely surprised and almost scared when I first realized how time had begun its healing work on me. GIVE YOURSELF A CHANCE and I know you will be better one day.

I also see that you would like to erase all your posts from this site. I would encourage you to keep most of them here. Perhaps the LS Administrator could help you compile your posts into one or two topics. You know you can also print everything from one of your topics or more than one? I have every single post from each of my topics about Trevor printed and tucked away in a "memory chest". That way I can take them out at any time I want or don't want. The other reason I would ask you to reconsider is that your posts may be just what someone in the near future needs to read to help them with their loss. I always thought my posts, especially my love letters to Trevor, never mattered to anyone else because I did not get many responses at all. How wrong! One dear friend pointed out that I should look at the number of "views" my topic actually had (it's over 10,000 by now). She explained that more people are helped by simply reading posts than also responding to them. So, see? Your posts are just as important to others as they are to you. Let others identify with your grief journey and together you can all heal. (just a suggestion)

Muppie's Mommy, let all of us here continue to help and support you on your gried journey. Remember you help US as well.

Please tell Muppie to watch out for Trevor 'cause he's coiming, if he hasn't already.

Blessings......................
Bobbie

[MUPPIESMOMMY]

HELLO MY BOY,MOMMY MISSES YOU SO MUCH.ITS BEEN A LITTLE OVER A MONTH AND MOMMIE IS STILL IN SO MUCH PAIN CAUSE YOUR NOT WITH ME.I MISS U SLEEPING NEXT TO ME LIKE U DID EVERY NIGHT FOR THE LASE 4 YEARS.IT IS TORTURE BEING SEPERATED FROM YOU.DO U KNOW HOW MUCH YOU ARE LOVED?YOU ARE A GOOD BOY AND I CANT WAIT UNTIL WE R TOGEATHER AGAIN.PLEASE BE OKAY UNTIL THEN.. I AM SO SORRY THAT THIS HAPPENED TO YOU.YOU DIDNT DESERVE IT.LOVE YOUR MOMMY

[MUPPIESMOMMY]

well its been 2 and a half months and i am not getting any better.i still cry everyday.my heart is broken.i miss my boy.i want him to come home.i am so sorry.i love him.i hope he knows how very sorry i am.i would give anything to have him here.

[Valentino my boy]

I can't imagine what you must be going through right now, I wish there was something I could do to relief you of the unbearable pain you must be feeling. There's one thing I'm sure, Muppie is feeling your love, wherever he is, he is now free, happy and probably wishing you feel better soon. I'm so shocked that right now I'm out of words. Send you and Muppie all my love.

[MUPPIESMOMMY]

i can never explain in words how deep my pain is every time i think about muppie.its a panic feeling then a horriable saddness comes right after.i cant even think about muppie for too long or else i have a panic attach.god i love him and miss him.i want to tell him that everything is going to be ok.how can i live with such a huge hole in my heart.i cant stand feeling this way forever.its too painful and dark.

[MUPPIESMOMMY]

today i went to the website of the humane society where muppie was put to sleep and i wrote them this email.
on may 1 youe shelter in riverside put my pitbull muppie to sleep.i was in jail at the time and could not get to him.i want you to know how much i loved my dog and it has taken months just to be able to write this email because of the terriable pain i am in from losing my best friend.your shelter picked him up at my home in hemet.i just want you to know that u didnt have to kill him,he was wanted and loved very much.and just because he was a pitbull didnt mean he should be destroyed.i cry everyday for my muppie.i will never be ok again.i loved him so much and u had no right to kill him.he was part of my family.he was my very best friend and i am tortured everyday when i think of how scared he must have been those last few days on this earth.why?why would you kill him?you have no idea how much this has hurt me.i love my dog and i will never see him again..EVER.i miss him so much it hurts my heart so bad....you have no right to kill innocent animals. [/size]

i wrote that letter for muppie i wanted him to know that i didnt let him die in silence,that those people would know that the pitbull that they killed was special and loved and i hope someday they will stop killing innocent fur babies like my muppie.

[Gretta's Mom]

Oh Mupppie's mom

I'm sad and mad along with you. I have discovered - though not is as tragic a way as you have - that humane societies are sometimes definitely NOT humane. Good for you for standing up and helping Muppie's voice of protest be heard. He was loved - and still IS loved. It's amazing how dogs can see right through hearts. Muppie has nothing but love and thanks for you, his forever mom, for all you did for him. He knows, Muppie's mom, he knows.

Here's a hug for you and a "you-go-guy" and an head pat for Muppie.

Gretta's mom

[Bobbie]

Dear, dear Muppie's Mommy,

I am so sorry that you are going through such pain, agony and torture with the untimely and senseless loss of your Muppie. I can hear your agony in each and every word you write and can only imagine the words that are not written. May I say a couple things?

First, your letter to the Humane Society that put Muppie to sleep was, in my opinion, totally appropriate and I am glad that you had to courage to write it. The letter was for YOU as much as it was for Muppie. I did something similar to the vet's office that mistreated Trevor before he died. Of course, I never heard anything back and I don't expect that you will, either, but it's very important that you wrote and SENT that. I am sure that Muppie is very proud of you for standing up for him (again).

Next, please be assured that your darling Muppie is, once again, in totally good health physically and mentally. He is not scared. He is never alone. His tummy is always filled and he can play whenever and wherever he wants to. I firmly believe that Muppie went over that Rainbow Bridge straight into the Perfect World that I call Heaven. And from that instant onward, his Spirit entered your heart and soul and is right there, with you, with every beat of your heart. Yes, his physical, earthly body is gone and separated from you, but his Spirit, Oh! his Spirit is inside and outside and all around you 24/7! You may not feel like it many times (I have that same problem), but Muppie with right there with his Mommy! And he couldn't be prouder, either. I believe that all creatures go to Heaven and, once there, tell all the other creatures about "their" humans, how wonderful they are, pointing us out from Heaven and bragging to beat the band. Yes, he and you will always be physically separated now, but your Spirits are everlasting and much more powerful and meaningful in the long run. Oh! I miss my Trevor and all the boys that went before him, with all my heart and still cry at times. But I hold firm to my belief that we will ALL be together, reunited, one day and then it will be forever!!!!!!!!!!

I would like to suggest either some sort of support group (pet based) or grief counseling. This is not something that can usually be handled by ourselves. We need someone to be there to listen to use, talk with us, cry with us and even lugh with us, get angry with us and get sad with us and someone who is trained to do this is so very helpful. I go to a counselor weekly.

Muppie's Mommy, I feel so badly for you. I wish I could take away your pain and am more than willing to take any you wish to give me. When you talk to Muppie, be sure to tell him about this beautiful Cocker Spaniel, about 12 years old, brown in color, named Trevor so that the two of them can become good friends. I know Trevor would like that ver much.
Meanwhile, try to get some peace and rest for yourself, every minute that you can. You and Muppie are in my prayers!

Love,
XOBobbieXO

PS: Trevor has been gone almost one year and I still sleep with his framed little picture wrapped inhis second favorite piece of blanket! It makes me feel better at night.

[MUPPIESMOMMY]

still i can find no peace.i cannot forgive myself.why?i know i love muppie and would never hurt him on purpose.why am i so sad?why do i panic every time i think of my muppie?i cant go on like this forever.god i love that dog.he was my only friend.i miss him more then i can ever explain in words.my heart is so heavy,i will never be the same after this.it was always my biggest fear that i would not be able to protect muppie in the end and my worst nightmare came true.i cant stand that i will never see him again.that is the part that makes me want to scream until the pain is forced out of my body.please god could u find a way just let me see him.i cant imagine a world without him in it.please let this be a bad dream.

[MUPPIESMOMMY]

MUPPIE
IM SO LONELY WITHOUT YOU.YOU MADE ME HAPPY.I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU
YOUR MOMMIE

[MUPPIESMOMMY]

muppie
mommie s having a moment right now,i started thinking about u and i hurt so bad i dont know what to do.its so lonely in the world without you.it feels so dark.the day u died it was like something changed inside me.i dont see the world like i did when u were still here.i survive minute by minute,because i panic when i think i will feel this way forever.mommie misses you i am so sorry my boy.i just want too sit next to you and tell you how much you changed my life.i love you muppie
mommie