I Will Always Love You, Princess Cinderella., Thank goodness I emailed this to someone... Options

[raerae777]

This is going to be very difficult for me to type, but I need to get it out so please bear with me.

Cinder's condition went down very rapidly last night. Everything seemed fine and I was content and peaceful and then she threw up around 10:30. I stayed up with her all night by her side as she continued to be sick throughout the night. I knew in my heart it was time. I cleaned up after her and told her it was okay, she seemed so ashamed (she never did mess in the house), I told her it was not her fault.

I fought with the decision to take her to the emergency 24 hour vet, but my mother talked me out of it and I'm glad she did. I didn't want a stranger putting her to sleep, although I would have allowed it if necessary. I talked with her a lot over the course of the night/morning. I told her it was okay to let go, that I would always love her, how much happiness and joy she had brought me and what a great, amazing, wonderful dog she was. I told her soon she would be able to see again and run wild and free. Her sugar dropped out around 5 am and I had to rub Karo syrup on her gums, but I finally got it back stable. She rested peacefully from about 6 am to 8:30 am, then started getting sick again. Dad spent all morning preparing her a spot by the edge of our woods. I wanted her vet to come to the house, but unfortunately it just didn't work out that way. His schedule left his only free time after work today so I made the decision to take her in to his office.

We gathered her favorite doggy blanket and a pink towel and sat her in the back of my dad's Bronco, the same truck my first dog, Lady, passed in. I rode in the backseat and talked to her the whole way. She didn't shake and tremble as she normally did on the way to the vet. Her wonderful vet came outside to the truck, we didn't even have to get out. I stroked and held her head as her precious life ended. My mother was also petting her. My dad couldn't watch. She went very peacefully. The moment she stopped breathing, I felt like my heart had been ripped out, my vision blurred with tears and I could not speak. Our vet told us this wasn't supposed to be easy and it's okay to be sad, that's how we know how much we love her. He told me not to have any second guesses because he agreed that it was time. He gave me a hug and said he loved us. I thanked him (best I could) and stroked Cinder's soft fur all the way home.

We drove her out to the woods and said our last goodbyes. My mom sobbed into her fur then walked back to the house to get some of her toys. I laid with her and told her she was finally home for good. I told her I hope she was already running and playing. My dad brought her favorite torn up football. We picked her up and laid her to rest. She looked at peace and is surrounded by her favorite toys: her football, tennis ball, green rope (her first toy as a puppy), and her red rubber chew toy. I kissed her on the cheek and told her, "I love you, Princess." My dad covered her up, his own therapy, we left him alone so he could finally cry over her. I thanked him for working so hard to give her a good spot. It is the most peaceful spot. In a grove of trees, shady, breezy, no noise but the wildlife around. We are planning on getting a bench to put in the grove of trees with Lady's and Cinder's names on it.

I walked back to the house sobbing and went straight to her doggy bed and curled in it. I could smell her and see her black hairs all over it. Everything in the house reminds me of her: the ledge in the kitchen window she scratched up as a puppy, the spot in the dining room she used to lay as we cooked supper, the rug in my floor she loved to sleep on, her food bowls, her brush and shampoo laying on a ledge outside, her plethora of food and treats in the laundry room, and so much more.

Her life played before my eyes last night, from the day I brought her home as a tiny puppy up to her last days. We grew up together. She was there during middle school, junior high, high school, college and a year after college. She was my best friend and confidant, she knew everything about me and still loved me. She never judged and always offered a shoulder (or belly) to cry on. She got me through many rough times. She loved me, an imperfect human being, perfectly. I told her last night I don't know what I did to deserve her, but I'm so blessed to have experienced this kind of love. She truly has a piece of my soul with her, and I a piece of hers. I know now that she is free and running with all the other angelic creatures. She is so beautiful.

I never imagined it would be this hard to let go. We love so hard and it makes it so painful. I ache all over for her. I swear I can hear her in the house. I just want to run to her and bury my face in her hair and feel her kiss on my cheek, but I can't. I am sharing Cinder's last picture again. I absolutely love it and I am so thankful my dad was able to capture this peaceful moment of us together.

Thank you all for reading this, I will get through it, but I will need help and time. I want to especially thank Kristina for talking me through some hard times last night, I was so glad to have her to talk to and she gave me some comfort when I needed it most, so thank you. I told Cinder to look for Dixie and tell her that her mama loves her very much.

I love you Cinder, always will. You were the sweetest girl there ever was.

Cinder's Mama

[Kristina]

Rae I am so glad you were able to recreate your post! I have been thinking about you a lot. I still love that picture of you and Cinder. I hope you are having as good of a day as can be expected. Today is a rough one for me for some reason. Much love to you.

[raerae777]

Well it has been two days since we lost Cinder. I don't feel much better, maybe a little, but not much. Everything in my house reminds me in some way of her. I keep trying to fill her water bowl up. The first night without her was very rough. I kept thinking I needed to kiss and love her goodnight. I finally walked back to the woods where she is buried and told her goodnight and then went back to the house and wept into her doggy bed. My dad put up a lighted cross at her grave and we can see it shining from the house. He wants to eventually get her some type of marker.

I gave Danny (boyfriend) all of her leftover food and treats to give to his dog, Max (also a black lab). I broke down packing up her food, it was so hard to give it away. I looked through pictures all day yesterday and my dad talked me into making a scrapbook so I hope to get started on that soon. Danny finally talked me into going to dinner and a movie. It was nice to get out of the house and try and get my mind off of things, but I still felt a dull pain in midst of everything. I broke down on the way home because I knew she wouldn't be there waiting for me. My mom is still pretty weepy too. She bonded with Cinder in her later years. I was living in an on campus apartment my last 2 years of college and both my dad and brother were working the night shifts. So it was just my mom and Cinder at home. She said she talked to Cinder all the time and Cinder got her through being alone every night. She misses her deeply too. I know my dad does as well. He just hides it. I caught him looking at puppies online last night, but he knows we're not ready for that yet.

I just wish I could hold her and kiss her one last time. But of course, that one last time would never be enough.

I love you, angel.

Cinder's Mama

[LoveMyMickey]

Dear Raerae......Again I am so sorry for your loss. I am crying as I read your story again....That is such a beautiful picture of you and Cinder.

You are still in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you are doing better. It will take lots of time to feel better.

Hugs,

LoveMyMickey

[Kristina]

I have been thinking about you a lot tonight Rae. Earlier today I was sitting outside and there were two clouds that looked to me like the shapes of two labradors. Was it Cinder and Dixie giving me a sign they were together and playing? I don't really know but I like to think they are together. I hope you have a peaceful night and I am sending all my love to your family.

[raerae777]

Oh Kristina, that is such a wonderful thought. I know in my heart that they must be. I keep waiting for a "sign" so that I know she's okay, but haven't seen it yet. I should probably stop trying to look. My mom saw a big black butterfly flying in the flower bed where Cinder loved to lay (and tramp through the bushes like a dinosaur), was it her? I don't know, but my mom was convinced. I spent all day looking at pictures. I think I'm going to make a scrapbook. I literally have 100s of pictures. I searched for this one pic all day of me holding her when she was a tiny puppy. I couldn't find it anywhere and I got so upset. I ended up finding it on the last place I looked. I'll post it soon. I've broke down a few times today. I guess that's better than crying all day right? Maybe tomorrow will be easier. Thanks for your thoughts. Always thinking of you and sweet Dixie. Thank you to everyone else also for your kind words. I'm so glad I found this forum.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

[moon_beam]

Hi, Rae, as our other wonderful friends have mentioned, I too wish to thank you for re-creating your topic with the wonderful picture of you and your precious Cinder. That is a beautiful picture, and a memory you will forever treasure.

Rae, this grief journey is one of adjustment. I'm so very glad you were able to give your boyfriend Cinder's food, yet I share how difficult this was for you. When my first canine companion Samson joined the angels I took his food to the shelter. I was okay driving there knowing that I was doing the right thing but as I was driving up to the shelter I started feeling the wave of deep sorrow begin to swell, and by the time I got the food out of the car and was taking it over to the animal control officer I was in deep gut-wrenching tears I couldn't even talk. I just handed him the bag with all the food in it and walked away as quickly as I could. When my Oslo joined the angels the setting was different - - I returned his unopened food to PetsMart, but the experience was the same.

The food is an important gift to others - - and your precious Cinder is so very proud of you for thinking of others at this very deep sorrowful moment - - when you are wishing with all your heart that your precious Cinder were still physically with you and able to enjoy this food which was bought for HER. But this is the ONLY "immediate" decision you need to make, Rae.

Making a scrapbook is always a good way to offer yourself a path to remembering your precious Cinder's earthly journey with you and your family and friends. I found it very comforting as I worked on scrapbooks for each of my beloved compainons, and with my Oslo and Abbygayle I did video slide shows set to music, and shared them with family, friends, and made copies of them for their vets and vet techs - - who also deeply appreciated them. I hope you will find making a scrapbook of your precious Cinder as comforting for you as I have found it to be for me.

Rae, this adjustment journey is often compared to a horror roller coaster ride - -there are so many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds - - sometimes it feels like there is no end to it. I assure you, Rae, one day when you least expect it - - you will find yourself thinking of your precious Cinder and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling, - - and your heart will be warmed by her sweet Living Spirit softly saying to you - - "yes, mom - - that's what I want - - I want you to be happy so that you can feel me always with you." It's just going to take healing time, Rae, one day at a time - - one moment at a time - - but I promise you it will happen.

Rae, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, as are your mom and dad. I hope today is being kind to each of you, and please know I am looking forward to knowing you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Kristina]

Rae I am always looking for a sign. To the point that I am definitely trying too hard. When I was sitting outside yesterday I wasn't really thinking about anything, and looked up and saw the clouds.

We could never plant anything nice because as soon as we got something in the ground she would go stomp all over it then smile because she was really proud of herself.

I saw something somewhere where you can get personalized photo albums, the one I saw was really cute. It had the name and bunches of bones and paw prints and hearts all over it, I will see if I can find it again.

I hope you are doing as well as can be today. You are never far from my thoughts. Sending all my love my friend.

[raerae777]

Thanks y'all. Today was a pretty good day. We all went to church and it was so hard to make myself get up and do something, but I did. We all talked about Cinder all day and laughed and teared up a little. I even kind of looked at puppies with my dad. He's dying for another beautiful black lab, but I just don't know yet. I felt guilty even looking at the pictures. We all know there will never be another Cinder. I even wonder if I will ever have that same kind of bond with another animal?

I still keep trying to fill her water bowls up and I almost dropped some leftover steak in her food bowl, but caught myself. It's just so hard. I go visit her and talk to her at least once a day. I miss her so much. I crawled in her doggy bed again last night and just smelling it brought so much sadness back. It has stormed everyday since she passed. Which is weird because she HATED storms. She would crawl under my bed or go hide in the bathroom. So now, every time it storms of course I think of her and probably always will.

Moon_beam, thank you for your comforting words as always. It gives me hope to know that you have felt how I feel and that I will get through this and be able to think of my girl without pain and sadness. Sometimes I think of a funny memory like her as a puppy jumping through a window screen and laugh and cry at the same time.

Kristina, thank you for your thoughts. My mom said she saw that black butterfly flying across our big kitchen window today, but of course as soon as I turned around to look, it was gone. Maybe we just have a lot of black butterflies around here? I don't know, but I've never noticed them before. I saw a really cute idea for a scrapbook where they had used the dog's collar as a fastener, but I'm not sure if I can find the right kind of book. I've also thought about finding one that has a print on it like you described. I'll probably go look around tomorrow.

I guess I better try and get to sleep, I have to drag myself to the doctor for physical therapy tomorrow morning (bad back). It feels weird to be doing normal things. I also have decided to go on our camping trip this weekend. We'll see how that goes...

Much love to you all.

Cinder's Mama

[moon_beam]

"I felt guilty even looking at the pictures. I even wonder if I will ever have that same kind of bond with another animal?"

Hi, Rae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. It is normal to feel uncomfortable looking at pictures of furkids anticipating a new home right now. It's all a part of trying to reconcile the grief and adjustment to the "new normal" - - the absence of your beloved Cinder's physical presence. Some folks find adopting a new companion quickly is helpful for them. Some folks prefer to wait until their grief has eased. Some folks - - for whatever reason - - elect to not adopt at all. And some folks find it helpful to pet sit or foster companions while they are adjusting to their "new normal".

Each beloved companion is a precious, unique individual, and the relationships that we have with each of our companions is unique. Therefore, to answer your question about having the same kind of bond with another companion as you had with Cinder - - probably not. But different isn't bad - - it's just different and unique. But you will love a new companion deeply and richly - - and whoever your new companion may be - - he / she will have his / her own special place in your heart. When you're ready to welcome a new companion into your heart you will know it, Rae - - in your own time.

Rae, I'm so sorry that you are having back problems. I hope the physical therapy will be of some help to you. Sometimes a change of scenery - - the camping trip - - is helpful, and I hope you will enjoy the camping trip with your friends and boyfriend.

Rae, I hope this evening will be kind to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[raerae777]

I'm feeling a little better day by day, but there are still hard moments and I know there will still be hard days. I am trying to keep myself busy which sometimes makes me feel guilty. Yesterday morning was hard and emotional for me for some reason. I just didn't want to get up. But I did and I did get some good news about receiving a job for this fall while I go to school. I visited Cinder yesterday and there was a black butterfly flying all around me. It looked so happy and free. I like to think it was Cinder, but who knows. I ordered a scrapbook to start working on too. I still find her black hairs everywhere. Sometimes they make me smile, sometimes they make me cry. I just miss her so much.

I am going to busy myself with camping stuff, we are leaving Thursday. Thanks to everyone for listening.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

[Kristina]

Rae I am so glad you are doing ok. I still find Dixie's hairs everywhere and like you, I either smile or cry. I pulled a bag down from our closet the other day that we used for dog supplies when we went on vacations and her hair was everywhere.

I hope you have fun camping, hopefully it cools off a bit for you. That is so great about the job. We are still waiting for some good news for our little family so hopefully something happens soon. When does school start back for you? For me it is August 22nd. I am also taking two grad level classes, which will be a new experience for me.

I have never seen a black butterfly. Maybe it is Cinder's way of letting you know she is ok, that she is still around you.

I hope the days keep getting better for both of us. I am always thinking about you and your family. Much love to you my friend.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Rae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Adding my congratulations to Kristina's about your job. This is very exciting news, and I am so glad for you.

Butterflies are considered a symbol of new life - - rebirth - -. Although I, too, have never seen a black butterfly, it is an awesome thought that the black butterflies you are seeing now are a way of your precious Cinder letting you know she is enjoying her new life without the painfulness of her physical body -- and is thanking you for all your unselfish, eternal love. She knows it saddens you deeply right now to adjust your life without her precious physical presence, but is trying to reassure you that she is always with you - - forever a part of you. What a wonderful blessing!!

I'm glad you found a scrapbook you like so that you begin putting it together for your beloved Cinder. I hope you will find it comforting working on it, and that it will help you to focus on your earthly journey together, as well as helping you to know that she always beside you and within you - - she is always a heartbeat close to you.

Rae, I hope you will have a very pleasant and peaceful camping trip with your friends and boyfriend, and that you will have good weather for it. I hope you and your mom and dad will have a very peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rae, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[nurse2b013]

Rae, you sound like you are hanging in there, and I'm glad to hear it. I am trying to do that myself. You and I lost our furbabies in such close proximity! I hear you about looking for "signs". I'm glad you keep seeing that black butterfly, it seems like a sign to me! I hope that is something of a comfort to you. I'm still waiting for some type of sign...

You and Cinder are in my thoughts. Wishing you a peaceful heart!

[raerae777]

Thank you all for your kind words. Today has been crazy. My dad had to have an emergency appendectomy this morning. My mom took him to the ER last night and we figured it was his appendix. But he is doing really well and should come home tomorrow. He was pretty out of it when I got there after his surgery, but he mumbled Cinder's name several times (along with some other funny stuff) so I'm guessing he's been thinking of her a lot. It made me smile and tear up of course.

We had a bottle of Cinder's insulin left that my god-mother will be able to use for her diabetic dog. My mom called and left her a message about the insulin and she called back crying. She stayed here one morning in late May to prepare for my brother's wedding reception at our house while we were at the church. She said she and Cinder had a good time and she found herself talking to sweet Cinder the whole time. She told my mom today through tears that she could tell that Cinder was so happy and loved her life and her home. It made me smile and I felt happy to know that my wonderful baby had this effect on others not just me and my family.

I went to lunch with a friend before I headed to the hospital today and we reminisced about Cinder. She has been my friend for a long time and was there when I brought Cinder home. She talked about how I called her screaming that she had to come over NOW because I had a PUPPY (I was 10)!! We talked a lot about when we were younger and wherever we went, Cinder was right there with us. Even before Cinder, I always had a dog around me. Lady followed my brother and I around everywhere, mom called her our babysitter. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Lady Bell, but that's another story for another day Anyways, my point is that it is very different to not have a dog around me. This is the first time in my life I haven't owned a dog and it's very hard to get used to, I'm not sure that I ever would get used to it. I can't stand being home alone anymore because the silence is so LOUD. I miss my Cinderella. Until next time friends, thanks for listening.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

[raerae777]

I just realized tomorrow is Thursday and it will be one week. I have been so crazy today that I didn't even know what day it was! It saddens me to think that a week ago, I was spending my last night with my sweet puppy dog. That was the hardest, but also the most precious night of my life so far, if that makes sense. I can't believe she has only been gone a week, it seems like it has been an eternity.

I miss you sweet girl.

Cinder's Mama

[Bobbie]

Dear, dear Cinder's mama,

I am sending you love and peace on the one week anniversary of Cinder's passing. May the good & happy memories of a gorgeous, incredible girl fill your heart with light. And may the other memories that must surely flood by remind you that you loved and were loved by one of God's most magnificent creatures!

You and Cinder will be in my thoughts and my heart, especially tomorrow, but always.

Friday will be mine & Trevor's 1 week anniversary.

Love to you!
Bobbie

[Kristina]

And another strange thing that makes our lives so very similar. I had surgery today too, although it wasn't emergency.

I can't type alot right now, but wanted you to know I am thinking about you. Tomorrow marks one week for you, and 4 weeks for me without our beautiful black girls. I had a sign from Dixie this morning, it's in my thread, and I hope the black butterflies keep coming around you.

Have fun on your camping trip, it will be good for you to get away for a bit.

Always thinking about you my friend, sending my love to you.

[raerae777]

Thanks y'all. Today has been okay so far. I've kept myself pretty busy packing for our trip. This morning was hard, I kept playing Cinder's last moments in my mind. I went and visited her today and sure enough when I turned around to walk back to the house, that black butterfly flew right up to me startling me a bit! I actually laughed and smiled about it.

I forgot to mention that I went over to Danny's house Tuesday night. I was a little apprehensive about seeing his black lab, Max. When I walked in the door, Max was standing right there waiting and I was okay at first. I had brought him some leftover steak and gave him a few bites. When I got down in the floor and started loving on him, I lost it. He started licking my face and when I really looked in his big brown eyes, they reminded me of Cinder's eyes. I figured I would cry when I saw him, he is the first dog I had been around since Cinder passed. Danny told me he figured that would happen too and gave me a big hug. After I cried for a minute, I realized Max had gotten sad too so i got back down with him and loved on him, laughing at his goofy self through my tears.

I hope you all have a wonderful and safe weekend and I will post when I return on Sunday. Thank you all for being here.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

[moon_beam]

Hi, Rae, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Each day - - each thing we do during this first year of our adjutment journey - - will be a "first" to remind us over and over again that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us. Max can never ever fill your heart as your beloved Cinder does, but I know your Cinder would want Max to be a source of comfort to you.

I hope you, David, and your friends will have a very good camping trip, and please remember that your beloved Cinder is now joining you in all of your activities - - sharing your earthly jounrey in real time. So, don't be surprised if you hear softly singing along with the camp fire songs.

Rae, thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Cinder with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and am looking forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam