Is It Normal To Feel So Sad & Guilty? Options

[Petunia]

I had to put one of my kitties to sleep on Thursday. Wicket would have been 7 next week. I found him and his brother Benny as kittens along with 3 others. They had been abandoned in a cardboard box on the side of a normally very busy road. I was a volunteer for a rescue and found homes for the other 3.

Wicket had his first urinary infection at about 1 year, didn't think much of it. He had one or two more over the next 3 years, all treated and back to normal. We changed his food, watched out for any symptoms. Then at about age 5 he had a kidney stone. He had surgery, he recovered. It was soon after that, we learned that Wicket only had one working kidney and not a very good one at that. The other kidney was not formed right, small and well - useless. I just knew something wasn't "right".

We started him on fluids, changed his food again, medications, etc. He seemed better, happy & playing but the numbers kept going up. In March he stayed at the vet for IV therapy for 4 days. We kept up the meds, fluids every day at home, etc. then in July, he decided he didn't want to eat. We added appetite stimulants, we begged, coerced, whatever to get him to eat. When he stopped drinking on his own we gave him water with a syringe. When he refused to eat I syringe fed him. He started to hide, he didn't want to walk to the box so I'd carry him.

Then Thursday he could no longer urinate, he could barely walk without having to stop every few steps. We ran back to the vet who felt that there was nothing to be done but help him go. He went very peacefully thank goodness and he passed in my arms.

Not only do I feel horribly sad at the loss of my kitty, not only do I miss him terribly, not only do I feel a gaping whole in my heart but I feel horrible guilt. Like I should have done more, like I didn't do enough. Like it was my job to protect him and I let them put him to sleep. I have 4 other cats and have never had to deal with this with one of my own pets. I feel such a crushing sadness, it's more terrible than I could ever have anticipated.

Thank you for reading and for this amazing forum.

[leejaye]

Dear Petunia, I am so very sorry about the loss of your Wicket - please don't feel guilty, my Mischief cat was diagnosed with cancer a year before I lost her - the meds for the cancer ended up destroying her kidneys and I lost her in a week. The way your Wicket was sounds very similar to Mischief at the end, I couldn't bear to see my girl like that and our vet agreed it was a quality of life issue, it seems to me to be the same for Wicket, the decision you made was all about protecting him. Your heart is already breaking please don't punish yourself anymore - Wicket knows how much you love him and knows you made the best decisions for him always, sending you some huge hugs Leejaye

[Petunia]

Thank you for your kind words.

It's such a lonely place to be. I'm so used to trying to "fix" things that it seems so hard to accept that I couldn't fix this. I know that playing the "if only" game is useless but nonetheless... I find myself doing it.

I would do anything to see my little bundle of love again. I don't think I've ever been this sad.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Petunia, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Wicket. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Petunia, what you are feeling is very normal for this deep grief. There are so many emotions associated with this grief adjustment journey, and unfortunately guilt is one of them, and can be one of the hardest to reconcile. But I wish to affirm what leejaye has so comfortingly said: You did EVERYTHING that is in your power to give your beloved Wicket a happy and healthy earthly journey filled with love. Unfortunately our companions physical bodies are not designed for immortality on this side of eternity. As a result, there comes a time when the only thing we can do is to release them from their failing, fraile, painful physical bodies. Your unselfish love for your beloved Wicket enabled you to do what was best for him at the right time, and he is eternally grateful to you for being his FOREVER MOM. The love bond you share is eternal, Petunia, and no amount of time of your continued earthly journey will ever change this. Your beloved Wicket will always be with you in your heart and your memories for he is forever a part of you - - he is always a heartbeat close to you.

Petunia, this grief adjustment journey is one of the most painful experiences we can know on this side of eternity. It is filled with so many ups and downs, twists and turns that can overwhelm us all at one time. It is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone in your journey. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. You are among friends here.

Petunia, thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Wicket with us. Perhaps some time you will feel up to sharing picture(s) of him - - but only if / when you are ready. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Petunia, and am looking forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[leejaye]

Dear Petunia, I think that was one of the hardest things for me with Mischief too - I'm used to being the "fixer" but I couldn't fix the one soul who meant the most to me in the world, kidney disease is a really hard disease to manage (especially in the end stages), the "what ifs..." are endless, but the way you talk about Wicket you didn't let him down or sell him short at all, he knows this...I still miss my girl but it does geta little easier with time, you are just at the beginning of this road and I well remember how hard and nightmarish the trip is, sending you some good energy and hugs Leejaye

[ChrisL]

Petunia,

I too recently lost a soulmate cat to kidney disease complicated by lower urinary tract problems. My Dzambala was just over 7, and I went through a lot of the same second guessing of my actions. I didn't do nearly as much as you did in the way of veterinary care, and it has taken time but I have gradually come to recognize that I did the best I could with my very limited finances and lack of first hand knowledge of these kinds of health issues. Being of an an-alytical, science-oriented mind, I obsessed over learning every detail about his condition. In the first few days I continued to torment myself with the Google detective work - as if I was doing some kind of forensic investigation to pinpoint exactly where things went wrong, and as if even knowing that would have been a real consolation. Little by little my guilt was replaced by bittersweet remembrance of him, my desperation over his death to fond recollection of his life.

I wish I could transfer this positive turn in my outlook to you. Unfortunately, we each have to go through the process ourselves, on our own time, in our own way. But what I can offer is some hope as someone who has been there, that the days do eventually get brighter. There will still be times when a pang of guilt or regret strikes, but, like waves that slowly subside after a storm has passed, they become less frequent than the happy memories of the good times. One other beautiful thing that has happened is that I have bonded with my surviving cat Loki in a way I'd never anticipated. It is like the love I felt for Dzambala has been added to Loki's share, without taking anything away. True love is immeasurable, and what is immeasurable is indivisible.

[Petunia]

I want to say first and foremost how grateful I am to those of you who have responded and to this forum. So many "non pet" people just don't or can't understand. thank you for helping a complete stranger with your kind words.

This whole experience has left me rather humbled as I usually think of myself as a pretty resourceful person. The vet said to me that night, that this was one fight we could not win. How I wish I felt certain that he knew how much I love him. Probably going to sounds crazy here - but I would do anything for some kind of sign, something that I could say - see he's ok. For the first time in my life I wish I was more religious or spiritual or something, something that would give me comfort.

Also, because of my experience with my sweet Wicket - I took my oldest kitty Smokey (18 yrs. 4 months) to the vet this past Monday (while Wicket was still alive) and asked her to run blood work. Smokey has zero symptoms, I just had a feeling. Sure enough her BUN and Creatine levels came back elevated. I dread getting back on this roller coaster but I am grateful to know now, while it's still early. If it wasn't for Wicket I would have never taken Smokey in.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Petunia, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. When we are enduring through a traumatic event, and losing a beloved companion qualifies as a traumatic event, part of the grief adjustment journey does involve a lot of "questioning" about things we thought we would never question, and spiritual beliefs - - whatever they may be - - is one of them. Even those who profess to have a steadfast faith can find themselves seriously questioning their beliefs when faced with a traumatic event. So please try to find some comfort and peace in knowing that this is a very normal part of the process, because when one is in deep grief the entire core of our life has been turned upside down and inside out and ripped apart. It takes time to put ourselves "back together again" - - while knowing that our lives are permanently changed once again.

When our companions unite with us in our hearts and home our lives are changed for the better. We are blessed with their precious physical presence and their unconditional love and undivided attention. We, in turn, surrender to them completely without reservation. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again. We are faced with the incredibly difficult process of re-definining our lives without the privilege of their physical presence with us. The good news is that we are blessed with the eternal gift of their love, and the honor of holding their sweet Living Spirit forever in our hearts and memories. No, it isn't the same as physically holding them in our arms, of touching their soft fur, of gazing deeply into their eyes, of feeling their soft caresses and kisses, of hearing their purrs and soft breathing while they sleep. But we are blessed with being their earthly caregiver, and of the recipient of their eternal love. Your beloved Wicket is forever with you, Petunia - - he is always a heartbeat close to you. And I promise you, Petunia, your beloved Wicket knows you love him beyond all shadow of a doubt.

I am sorry about the results of Smokey's tests, but am ever so grateful that you were able to find out early enough so that your precious Smokey can continue to share with you a good quality of life.

Petunia, you are among friends who truly do understand what you are going through. Although we will probably never have the opportunity to meet "face to face" during our earthly journeys, we share a common bond through the most wonderful friendships we will know on this side of eternity - - our beloved companions. So please let me reassure you, Petunia, there are no "strangers" here.

Petunia, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and how your precious Smokey is doing. I hope today is being kind to you both, and that you will have a very peaceful evening. Please know you and your precious Smokey are in my thoughts and prayers, Petunia, and look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Petunia]

It takes time to put ourselves "back together again" - - while knowing that our lives are permanently changed once again.

I feel very much like I have been broken - and like I'll never be right again.

The vet sent a lovely card today, along with a book and my babies paw prints in a ceramic white circle. It was very sweet and heartbreaking at the same time. They also left a message that Wicket's ashes were ready for me to pick up. I dread going, it makes it all so real. I fear what I'd be like in the vets office, I'm scared I might throw up.

I can tell my other cats are upset and then they see me upset and it makes it worse. I'm trying to just shower them with love.

I bought a book today that I would never buy under normal circumstances about life after death and pets. It might sound kind of wacky but I saw it in the bookstore and it looked like it might offer me some comfort so I didn't hesitate.

I went into work today for the first time, I just felt sort of numb.

I think I was able to add 2 pictures of Wicket - one was when i found him as an abandoned kitten and the other was Wicket before the kidney disease wreaked havoc on him.

Attached image(s)

 

[moon_beam]

Hi, Petunia, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing and for the adorable pictures of your beloved Wicket. Thank you so much for sharing him with us.

Getting our beloved's ashes back is a two-sided coin: On the one side, it is comforting to have their ashes back, while the other side of coin it is yet another blatant reality that they are no longer with us in their physical body form - - which is what our broken hearts yearn for. I know how upsetting it can be going back to the vet's office after a loss - - it took me several months to be able to take my little Noah in for his routine checks without tears welling up in my eyes. It's another step in this painful grief journey, and I hope you can feel us with you holding you up, offering you our strength and courage, when you decide to go pick up your beloved Wicket's ashes.

"I can tell my other cats are upset and then they see me upset and it makes it worse. I'm trying to just shower them with love."

Petunia, your precious companions are also going through an adjustment to Wicket's physical absence. In comforting them, they will also be of comfort to you. So - - shower them with all the love you can, as they will return the blessing to you.

Petunia, I hope today is being kind to you, and that you and your precious companions will have a very peaceful evening. Thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Wicket with us. Please know you and your precious furkids are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Petunia]

Still have not been to the vet. Just can't do it yet. Feels to real and terrible. It's a long weekend here and I just find myself thinking about how much I miss my little Wicket.

I have had a horrible headache for days and can't do much. Can't even look at this screen much longer. :-(

[moon_beam]

Hi, Petunia, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Stress, including from deep grief, can manifest physical symptoms such as lingering headaches, migraines, cluster headaches, etc.. I hope you are being able to get some relief. Don't worry about not being able to pick up your beloved Wicket's ashes yet. You will do so when you're up to it. Until then, they are in safe keeping with your vet.

Petunia, I hope this evening is being kind to you, and that you will be able to get some rest. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Petunia]

Thank you so much for your kind words.

I picked up Wicket's ashes today. The little box looks so sad. I think when I feel up to it I'll get one with his picture on it. For now I put his picture next to it and his footprints and a few cards I got from family. I'm sort of in shock. Like I still feel like he is going to come into the room any moment.

Today my other cats were all upset and behaving badly. I think the loss of Wicket has disrupted their normal and they are kind of acting out. A fight broke out (there's normally some hissing if someone gets in someones food bowl but nothing like this). Someone got scratched, fur flying sort of fight - totally not normal. I ended up putting my 2 older cats in my bedroom and one cat in the 2nd bedroom so only one cat was left out with me.

A few minutes later I heard the blinds on the sliding glass door rustle behind me like they always do when a cat will lay on the floor and look out the glass doors. I was on the computer and turned around and saw a couple of the blinds were out of place but I couldn't see the bottom 1/2 of the blinds because the couch was in the way. I assumed that the cat out with me (her name is actually Petunia) was looking out the window. Well, like 30 seconds later Petunia comes walking down the hall in front of me. So, it couldn't have been her and everyone else was put away.

I think my mind was playing tricks on me because Wicket always loved to look out the glass doors and I would always hear him rustle the blinds in the same spot.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Petunia, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your fur family are doing. Ah yes -- the "time out" discipline - - how I remember that oh so well with my Eli, Noah, and Abbygayle - - with my precious little Noah ALWAYS being the middle somehow, and usually ending up with the battle scars.

Receiving our beloved companion's ashes is a two-sided coin - - on one side it's comforting to have them back home, while on the other side - - it is another stark "reality" that they are no longer with us in their precious life form as they shared their earthly journey with us. Another step in this very painful adjustment journey.

I firmly believe that your beloved Wicket was letting you know that he is with you now just as he always has been and always will be, and he wanted you to know this by doing something that you would recognize - - like rustling the blinds. It's not your mind "playing tricks" on you, Petunia. Hopefully when you experience your beloved Wicket's "presence" with you it will be a comfort to you.

Thank you again so much for sharing with us how you and your fur family are doing, Petunia. I hope today is being kind to each of you. Please know you and your fur tribe are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how life is treating each of you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Petunia]

Thank you moonbeam.

Just trying to put one foot in front of the other.

I need to go back to the vet to take my older cat Smokey (18 years old) to have her blood work redone to see if her new food and her Azodyl are helping her kidneys but I'm too scared to get any bad news. Just can't take any bad news at the moment. I just miss my kitty and would do anything to see him again.

[magdalene]

Petunia... I just wanted to say, you protected Wicket from suffering greatly for what could have been a long time. You helped him go peacefully even though it was so terribly hard for you, because you loved him just that much. How could you have protected him more? How could he not know how loved he was? You rescued him from the roadside, got him the best health care you could, and loved him enough to let him go peacefully even though it hurt you because you would rather suffer yourself than have him suffer. He knows he was loved.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Petunia. I so do know how you're feeling about not being able to take anymore bad news right now. Is there someone who can go with you when you take Smokey in for his check up - - if for no other reason than to just be there for you - - perhaps drive you and Smokey so that you don't have to focus on anything else except Smokey's needs? And I can so understand how Smokey's health needs are weighing heavily on your heart about your beloved Wicket. I wish there was a way I could help make all of this easier for you, Petunia. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest friendship, support, encouragement.

I hope today is being kind to you and your precious Smokey, and that you will have a very peaceful evening and weekend. Please know you and your precious little girl are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Gretta's Mom]

Hello Petunia

My heart goes out to you in the passing over of your precious Wicket. No one - NO ONE - who has not know the love of a special, soul-animal like your Wicket - can even get close to understanding what this grief is about. For those others, it's in their heads. For us, it's in our hearts - big time and all the time.

One thing you said particurly stuck me - that Wicket was in kidney failure and one day he couldn't urinate and could only walk a few steps. That's EXACTLY the way my Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) passed over. She had incipient Cushing's disease - not enough to make her go through the treatment (which is chemotherapy). She crashed in a single day. At 5 AM she could walk around the block. At 10 AM we were struggling to make it - step-by-agonizing-step - around the block. At 3 PM all she could do was stand up. I rushed her to our University Vet School clinic (it was a Saturday) and they kept her overnight ('cuz I was too scared to take her home - ask me how guilty I feel about THAT!). The next day the Vet School vet called me and said she couldn't stand up and by that time she hadn't urinated for 36 hours. She said she could "express" her bladder, but what that really told me was that her systems were shutting down. I made the awful decision, held my baby in my arms and tried to ease her way into the Perfect World.

Petunia, being able to "save" a beloved animal has NOTHING to do with the amount of vet care you're able to give them (provided they get at least some). I used to joke with my vet (the best in the world) that I was single-handedly keeping his son in medical school and that I could always tell when a tuition payment was due. But whoever made this universe, made animals' lives much shorter than ours. And so if we take the risk of loving them, we WILL experience this awful grief. I guess it's the price of love - and who would give that up!

Petunia is, in the words of my vet, "in a safe place not." So is Gretta. Having experienced the sharing of love with an amazing animal I don't just believe that's true, I KNOW it is! Please take a little of my strength (I'm further along the grief road than you are) and use it to comfort you and your kittie-cats today.

And BTW - you DID receive a visit from Wicket! Absolutely not doubt! See, Wicket is still taking care of you and loving you and being loved by you - the same as ever.

Blessings,

Gretta's mom

[Petunia]

I was so pleased to check in today and see such kind words. Thank you all so much. My husband has been away for work since about a week before Wicket passed and it is so hard to go through this alone. Your kindness means so much to me.

I am very, very pleased to say that Smokey's check up went very well. Her levels were pretty much exactly where they were a month before, which was truly wonderful. My marching orders are to keep Smokey on the same routine for another 3 months and to come back to check her levels then. She has been a real trooper and we have our system of meds down pat. Everyone at the vets office was impressed with how spry my little gal is for 18 years and 5 months.

With Wicket his kidney disease was just unstoppable, it surprised even the vet how quickly it progressed. So, I am grateful that Smokey seems to be responding better.

I did have a little freak out when I got to the vet, they have about 8 rooms and the left side is normally cats and the right side is normally dogs. For whatever reason they went to take me to the right side (dog side) which I have only been ONCE on the day Wicket passed. When they wanted to take me over there I just panicked. They were very understanding and nice and even added to my chart NOT to take me to that side of the office anymore. Just too much.

I saw Wicket in a dream for the first time, I have been hoping that I would. I just saw him for a few seconds in my dream, and just from the back as he was eating from the food bowl. Getting him to eat was such a major accomplishment that I guess that is the best dream I could ask for. To see Wicket with an appetite, eating.

And I have not heard the blinds rustling since that day. I listen for them all the time in hopes that I will.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Petunia, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you and your precious Smokey are doing. I am so o o happy to share you very good news that her check up went well. I know how much of a blessing this is to you.

Our furkids who are with the angels do find a way to let us know they are still very much a part of us, and I'm so very glad you have received communication from your beloved Wicket in your dream. He is letting you know he is well, and I hope this brings comfort and joy to your heart.

I hope today is being kind to you and your precious Smokey, Petunia. Thank you again for sharing Smokey's great news with us. Please know you and your precious Smokey are in my thoughts and prayers, and always look forward to shairng your news whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam