Trevor Has Gone Away......, he died on Friday 7/22 Options

[Bobbie]

Hello Everyone!

I guess I am back on my own. I just wrote a very long message on my sister's site (Gretta's mom) called something like "Another loss in the family..."

I will write on my own tomorrow.

God bless you all!

Bobbie

[Bobbie]

Oh my God, how can I live without my Trevor? It's almost 1:00 am and I'm so, so sad that I can no longer look at my little boy sleeping beside me on his blanket, hear his treasured breathng, touch his soft, soft paw as he relaxed when he knew his mom was near? Why did the time go by so darn fast? Why is time relentless and unfeeling and uncaring? Why can't I have one more minute to kiss my byb's nose or rub between his eyes? That always soothed him immediately. Now I have no one to soothe. I have no eyes to look at me with trust and love. I have no little tail that tried to wag occasionally for mommy. I have no future days with Trevor sleeping by my side, peeing in the living room, gobbling up the doggie treats or warily going down each stair, next to me, in the morning for another day of being togetther and being at peace.

I miss you so much, my Trevor boy. I "do OK" during the day hours, but the night time brings you rushing back to me and the pain grows sharper every minute. I love you, Trevor, beyond any measure and will for the rest of my life on earth and beyond. Oh, God, I miss your eyes, your mose, your drippy lips, your furry legs and head, your soft ears and your lovely being. I want you again, Trevor. I want you healthy and happy. But I guess the only way for that to be is for you to be in your happy place and me to be left behind to love, love, love you even more. To miss you until I can hardly breathe. To thank you for your love and life. You really liked your mommy and I adored you. I want you to be with me every second of every day, but at night that seems so impossible. During the day, I'm keeping busy all the time, doing mindless nothinig. I haven't moved one thing of yours, except tonight Jeanne and I each ate one of your carob yogurt treats. They were good.

I want the world to know what a good and loving dog you really were. I want thte world to always remember you. I want you to feel so much more loved than you ever did on earth. I want you. I love you. I miss you. I thank you. I love you, Trevor

XOmommyXO

[raerae777]

Bobbie, I can feel your heartbreak and love in your post. I know you love Trevor so much. I know how you are feeling. There are things that stop me in my tracks and make me break down and sob. I keep finding Cinder's black hairs everywhere. It's so hard and painful to let go. I wonder if it will ever get any better? I'm thinking of you and I pray you have some comfort and peace tonight. I laughed out loud about you and Jeanne eating Trevor's treats. I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

[leejaye]

Dear Bobbie, I am so sorry for your pain - completely inadequate word that it is, these first days feel beyond pain...the first night without Mischief, when i eventually slept, I woke up about an hour later, panicked cos I couldn't find her and then the horrible reality hit me, she wasn't there, she wouldn't be, it tore me apart...it was a physical pain...it's easier to stay busy in the day...I know how you ache to stroke him one more time but you gave him the best love any being could ask for, and I just know he's up there with Gretta et al loving you still, sending you love and hugs Leejaye

[Gretta's Mom]

Hi Bob

You know I would make this go away if I could. It's morning now and I'm trying to be quiet but still am crying. Crying for you and how you heart is shredded, for how much you would give for just one more hug, kiss, pet ... one more anything fro Trevor. It is a killer of hearts. But how I wish it wasnt' yours that has to break in tiny pieces and fly apart. Just breathing is an accomplishment. Night time is he(*&*)&. Life without Trevor (or Gretta) isn't much better. The next 30 days are yours and yours alone - to cry, to scream, to throw things, to curl up in a ball and just lie there, to fill your days with "busy, busy, busy" just to keep the pain-monster away. DOn't change ONE THING untiil YOU feel like it. Poor Rufus has to live every day of his life looking at a ratty basket of toys the Gretta never even touched! I'm SO glad we got back on LS. Our LS friends and family have helped us SO much and we couldn't, absolutely couldn't, go on without them. I love you, Bob. I'm farther along on this rough road and have some strength to spare. Please let me share a little of your burden - just for today.

In sadness and love,

Gretta's mom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bobbie, I am sitting here my friend, crying with you, feeling your deepest heartbreak. The nights are the hardest for exactly as you have mentioned - - the days are filled with mindless stuff - - but the nights, particularly during the deep grief, offer no refuge from the seering pain of the physical absence from your precious Trevor.

Bobbie, I promise you this deep grief you are feeling will ease. And make no mistake - - the love bond you and your precious Trevor share is eternal - - and it does grow stronger during this time of temporary separation. I know - - "temporary" is too long when we ache to hold our beloved companion just one more minute, one more hour, one more - -lifetime. The good news is you are holding him - - forever - - in your heart and your memories - - for he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you. And his sweet Living Spirit is forever with you - - continuing to share your earthly journey just as he always has and always will.

But I know this is little comfort to you right now, Bobbie, but I hope someday it will be GREAT comfort to you. Please know you are never alone in your journey now as you endure the most painful adjustment in your life. Each of us know what you are going through, Bobbie, and we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step you take. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Bobbie, and am looking forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[LoveMyMickey]

My Dear Bobbie....Through tears I am writing this. I am so heartbroken for you. I know you have the strongest love for Trevor that anybody could ever have. I told Mickey to welcome him with open paws and he said he did. That might sound silly, but I talk to Mickey all the time and his answers comes to my mind immediately. After 5 months I still have Mickey's big mattress with toys on it in our bedroom.

Bobbie, I wish there was something I could say to take your pain away, but I know there isn't. But I am here along side these wonderful LS Support ladies to help support you.......You are in my thoughts and prayers and I do hope each day brings you more peace.

Love and Hugs

LoveMyMickey

[Bobbie]

My dearest, darling Trevor,

I miss you more than there are stars in the universe, more than all the leaves on all the trees, more than anyone can miss another being. I wish we could be together again, just for a miinute, so you could feel my arms around your little body, my tears washing your back and my love flowing through every pore in your body. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you, my hunky bunky.

I hope you are doing well in your new world.

Come visit me some time, if you have a minute. I would love it!

I'll talk more later.

I love you, Trevor.
XOmommyXO

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bobbie, thank you so much for honoring us by sharing your beautiful heartfelt letter to your precious Trevor. In the early deep grief when the ache to hold one of my beloved companions became unbearable, I would hold one their toys or a blanket or their collar - - SOMETHING - - belongs to them. And I would sleep with something that belonged only to them during their earthly journey. Perhaps this may be of some comfort to you, Bobbie. It's a poor substitute, I know.

I wish there were more I could do for you, my friend. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Bobbie, and am here for you - - always.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Bobbie]

Dear Moon Beam and all my other precious LS friends,

Thank you for the suggestion of finding something of Trevor's to sleep with. Unfortunately, by the time Trevor came into our lives, his neurologic condition had deteriorated to the point where he did not know how to play with anything. He only learned to chew on real marrow bones because I taught him and then I had to hold onto the bone each time. I really enjoyed that. We buried Trevor with his favorite comforter and a lock of mine and his Grandmom's hair woven into his, along with every favorite treat, etc. he had. When I first read your suggestion, I was actually desolate because I didn't have anything of Trevor's except his clean, but used puppy pads, which I have been sleeping with and crying into already. Then it came to me....Stan cute a 12 inch square piece from his next-to-favorite blanket tonight and I went to bed clutching that, his potty pad and his picture and I felt a bit better.

Although my sister, Jeanne, is doing a wonderful job staying with me and supporting me, she cannot do this 24/7, nor do I expect her to. And I know that once she leaves to go home to Rufus, the days will be totally mine. Yikes. That is why I am trying to open myself to the nightly experience of being "alone" and feeling the searing loneliness without Trevor. I feel like my inner core has shut down into a non-feeling, non-caring "thing", existing just because I have to. I don't care if I talk to anyone, I don't care. I just don't care. I want to be with my Trevor. And that's it. I don't care if it is this minute or whenver, but I want/have to be with him. On his turf? Fine, well.......Please don't think I would do anything to end my natural life because I have worked too hard in the past to stay alive, but it sure sounds wonderful to be on the other side, happy and playful with all my boys.

I just wan Trevor. I want him now. I want him to know how much I did and do and will love him forever. I don't want to live forever without him. I want him sleeping in the living room when I open the frnt door. And that moves me into another guilty area: leaving him alone at home while I did things outside the house (shopping, etc). I feel that I should have spent many more hours in the house with Trevor than I did. My brain knows this thought is silly, but my heart and soul know it's correct.

I'm sory this posting is so jumbled. There are a thousand feelings and thoughts running through me - all of them missing my Trevor.

Sleep well, tonight, my little boy. Mommy is with you and totally loves you!

XOXOxo
Trevor's mommy - Bobbie

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bobbie, thank you for letting us know how you are doing. I'm so glad your husband was able to get you a piece of Trevor's blanket so that you can hold it close to you along with the other treasures you have selected. I hope doing this will bring you comfort, Bobbie.

What you are feeling - - of just wanting to be with Trevor - - is perfectly normal, Bobbie. It is not anything compared to wanting to harm yourself - - it's your heart just wanting to be with your beloved Trevor. Bobbie, you and your precious Trevor are truly together - - even now - - especially now - - just differently - - and differently is a very painful adjustment - - both emotionally and physically.

Please let your heart and mind be at peace - - for your precious Trevor KNOWS beyond ALL SHADOW OF A DOUBT that your love for him is eternal. And let your heart and mind be at peace about doing the chores that needed to be done - -for your precious Trevor KNEW you needed to go out -- in order to bring him his favorite treats, his food - - and especially YOU. So, please don't feel guilty about not "always" being with him. Your beloved Trevor understands - - and loves you for EVERYTHING you did for him during his earthly journey. He now wants you to rest your heart and mind - - so that you can continue to ENJOY your earthly journey with him - - for he continues to be with you and share your daily routines just as he always has and always will.

Right now, my friend, nothing makes sense - - nothing has any meaning - - EXCEPT that you want to be with your beloved Trevor. I wish there were an easier way through this horrible adjustment journey. I promise you, Bobbie, one day you will know in your heart that your beloved Trevor IS forever with you. One day when you least expect it you will find yourself smiling about your beloved Trevor, and you will feel the warmth of his sweet Living Spirit embracing you. But right now your heart must reconcile the seering pain of deep grief, and this can only happen one day at a time, - - sometimes one moment at a time.

Please know we are here for you, my friend. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I do hope you will have a very peaceful evening, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Gretta's Mom]

Hi Trevor

Your Auntie Jeannie loves and misses you. Your mom and I went to see your little house with all your brothers (no sisters allowed!) today. Did you get the little hat I left for you? Trevor, you ARE the best and bravest (and most gorgeous) littel dog who ever lived. Have you seen all the cards people are sending your mom telling her how sad they are that she can't see you right now? Trevor, baby, there are PLENTY of HUMANS that won't be missed by half that many others.

Sleep tight.

Aunt Jeannie

[nurse2b013]

Bobbie, my heart aches at the grief you are experiencing over Trevor. I am still deeply grieving over my Chessa, who passed one week ago today. I totally understand how it is a physical ache to want to be with your furbaby again...

Trevor is free now from the pain that tied him to this earth...and because you loved him so much, your heart is breaking in a million pieces so he can be whole and well again. I can't add anything more to what the others have so eloquently wrote, but please know that I am holding you up in my thoughts and prayers...

[Gretta's Mom]

Oh, my wonderful and steadfast friends, Moon Beam, Jeanne and Nurse2b013 and all you others too numerous to mention,

I told my sister, Jeanne, today that I felt a bit abandoned today because I had written so much when Trevor was alive and dying that probably people we no longer interested now that Trevor had died. But I see, once again, that I am wrong. And that really, really helps me.

I continue to do well during the day light when someone is with me, but these damnable nights are going to do me in. I have my piece of Trevor's blanket, his framed picture and one of his puppy pads to sleep with, but it's the time before sleep and after sleep that tear my heart to pieces. I went to my therapist today and she told me to own the fact(s) that I took such good care of Trevor and loved him so much. That's hard for a good Catholic girl to do (you know that saint stuff and all).

I hope you will be poud of me otday. Jeanne and I cleaned out my bedroom closet and stuff was everywhere. We even took out the rocking chair to sell. When I was finishing up, I, alone, folded each one of Trevor's 21 puppy pads that were on the bedroom floor and placed them in a neat pile right by the bedroom door. It was so strange to see the carpeted floor again, but comforting that the many "Trevor stains" were still there.

Oh my little Trevor,
I miss you with all my heart, soul and mind. I wish we could touch again, but I have to have faith that you are in the place that God intends for you and all your relatives and friends (both animal and human). I will come see you again tomorrow and am holding your memories right in the middle of my heart. Sleep well, my loved one. I'll try, too. And never forget.......

Mommy Loves You! XOxo

[Bobbie]

As all of you can tell by now, Jeanne did not log out before I came onto this site. The post just before this one is from me: Bobbie.

getting old is tough some days!

Blessings......................
Bobbie

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bobbie, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Oh yes, my friend - - we are here for you, with you, and beside you through the duration of Time - - or for as long and as often as you need us.

The nights and the waking up are hard when one's heart is shredded from the pain and agony of deep grief. Unfortunately, my friend, it's part of this grief adjustment journey, and one that can only improve with time - - healing time - - one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.

Bobbie, I wish there were more I could say that could offer you some comfort and a respite from the seering pain of grief you are feeling. I can only hope and pray that somehow you do feel my sincerest and deepest friendship reaching out to you across the cyber and geographical miles - - hoping to be of comfort to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend, and am looking forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[LoveMyMickey]

Hi Bobbie....I just wanted to stop by and let you know I am still thinking of you and Trevor. I hope you get to feeling a little better each day. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

May God Bless and Comfort you Bobbie....

Hugs...

LoveMyMickey

[Alfiebaby]

Hi Bobbie, I'm new here, just registered today but I've been following your posts since I found this fantastic site last week. I suffered two losses within the past three weeks, one was my beloved Alfie who was also special needs, he was blind and epileptic and the bravest dog I've ever known and the other a puppy called Hidra, that we had to put to sleep in the vets where I work that has affected me greatly. I haven't been able to write anything about them yet because I can't stop crying long enough, but I really just wanted to let you know that even in another part of the world someone is thinking of you and knowing exactly how awful it is to go through this. The nights are just the worst, it's 0110 here in the morning, i got into bed about 2 hours ago but can't sleep and i began thinking of you and your beloved Trevor and what you are going through and I just wanted to say hi. I've been through this quite a few times now unfortunately and I know it gets easier eventually, we just have to hang on in there and take each day as it comes. Take good care of yourself, I'm thinking of you.

[Bobbie]

Dear Alfiebaby,

First, let me offer you my deepest sympathy and love in the loss of your beloved Alfie, the bravest of dogs, and little Hidra, who didn't really have a chance at life. Let me also thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for caring for both of these precious creatures. Oh yes, we are very much on the same journey and we now have each other to travel this nightmare. Everyone on L-S has been where we are and where we have been (I've had 6 other dogs in my life besides Trevor) and each is such a blessed source of comfort, understanding, support, suggestions, and especially love. Prior to Trevor's death, I thought I knew what others' grief was like, having had previous dogs that I loved as dearly. But I was wrong. And I think you understand why.

Alfie and Trevor, while they were "special needs" dogs, were, in fact, SPECIAL dogs. There was never a dog like them before and there will never ever BE another dog like them again. Our boys depended on our love, concern, care, expertise and unending love 24/7 and because we were there to give them all that and more, they came to love and trust us like no other. I know, I also learned so many things from Trevor, that would have most likely passed me by, had he been a "regular" dog. How old was Alfie? When was he diganosed? What was your life like together? If I am asking things that are too personal, please forgive me and don't answer. Alfie looks absolutely beautiful in your picture, what a sweet and loving boy. I think a friend posted a picture of Trevor a long, long time ago. I may try it again some day.

Alfiebaby, please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and Alfie all day, every day. We don't have anyting to "get through", rather we have a journey to travel and I am hoping, for both of us and all the others on L-S, that the road becomes a bit smoother, the air a bit fresher, the light a bit brighter, our memories a bit happier until that glorious day when we can, once again, be with our loves forever and ever.

Have a peaceful day!
Bobbie

[Bobbie]

Oh my. It's so hard to "be strong". I don't want to be strong. I don't want to "move on" unless it means that the searing, scorching pain of missing Trevor (and now, would you believe it? Rudy, my dog before Trevor) eases at least into a horrendous ache. I'm not counting on anything past that. It's so confusing: during the day, when I am with my sister and busy, thoughts of Trevor are not as painful and I can talk about him without crying. But as soon, as the evening comes and, especially, when it is time to go to bed, everything rushes sraight towards me, as if Trevor were dying in my arms again, right then and there.
I miss you, hunky bunky. I don't want to empty your little water bowl from the bedroom because that is the last thing that has a physical, living part of you in it - your saliva from your last drink of water that morning. And I cana't pour any part of you down the drain. I just simply cannot believe that you have been here and are gone already! It's not fair! It's not fair at all and I hate it. I told myself that I would treasure every day with you and make the days like Christmas for you because you didn't have a fighting chance. And yet, that all slipped by. Where did I go wrong? How did it all slip by/away so fast?

Trevor, you gave me your love when no one else gave me any, even when I didn't give myself any love. You were the rock, the unchanging factor, in a world that got pretty rocky at times. You needed me. And you loved me (for it). I don't need anything more. Right now, the wound is so fresh, the pain so searing, the ache so deep that I don't think days will ever get better. And I want them to. But not yet. I want to wallow in the memory of your hair in my face, your softness lying next to mine, both on those days we napped in front of the TV together, and on that very last day on this earth. Simply put, I want you, Trevor, and I know I can't have what I had. That's the awful part.

I am so sad. And I know you don't want me to be sad. You might have to have Rudy, Birney, Kelly, Jasper, Crocker or Gretta explain this part about us humans. I know, for you, it is simple. For me (us) is it not. I have so many things that I'll have to work through. But, if you don't mind, for the rest of this week, I'm just going to stay in the moment - YOUR MOMENT. That's all that counts and that will count, until I am ready, with your help, to take the next baby step forward. Today, we had to take the flowers away from your grave because they went bad quickly in this heat. Did you notice the nine Beanie Baby Dogs that now circle your grave? They are there to keep you company, protect your body and grave from any harm, and shout out to everyone who goes through the cemetery and happens upon them HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Sleep well, my love! I love you, Trevor!
Mommy