Cat With Scc - Hard Decisions, Confusing Feelings Options

[bagel]

Hi all, I'm new to the forum and saw so much support and love here that I decided to join, and share some of my thoughts in hope that I might get some understanding and support here.

My dear cat Peaches is 16 years old, and I've had her since I was a little girl. She probably has oral squamous-cell carcinoma (a common cancer of the mouth). The vet has helped me understand that there's no cure and she doesn't have much time left with me, so the best I can do is give her meds for the pain, syringe feed her, and give her all my love until it's time to euthanize her, probably within the next week or two.

I'm really struggling because I can tell that she's in a lot of pain, but she also seems to have decent quality of life -- she still greets me at the door, purrs on my lap, loves belly rubs, snuggles with her sister, sits in windows and sunny spots, etc. But she's also showing a lot of signs of pain and decline. I know it's not time to let her go yet, but I'm having this awful feeling of almost wanting to get it over with so that I don't have to watch her suffer any more, and so that I don't have to keep guessing, "is her happiness greater than her pain? Am I being selfish for sustaining her?" On the other hand, it's also selfish of me to want to end her suffering just to get closure for myself sooner... and of course I'm not looking forward to the day that I wake up without her purring beside me, and come home from work with no demands for belly rubs.

Has anyone else had this awful conflicting-guilt ridden feeling? Did you eventually just know it was time?

Also, has anyone dealt with an SCC cat? At first the syringe feeding was easy, but now she struggles with me more. She still begs and begs for it and gets all excited when I get the a/d out, but then tries to bat my hand away when I actually give her the syringe. It's really torturous for both of us. Has anyone's SCC cat started chewing / licking herself and ripping her hair out? This is also really awful to see, and the vet thinks it's a displaced pain / anxiety response.

Finally, a more existential question... I'm agnostic, and I don't really believe in a "soul" or an "afterlife." For the first time in my life though, I'm finding myself feeling really empty because of this and really just wishing that I honestly believed that Peaches was on her way to a better place. Please, don't try to convert or "save" me, but if you have thoughts or comforting words about this I'd love to hear them.

Any kind words or thoughts you might have would be deeply, deeply appreciated. Thank you.

[Peggy's Human]

Dear Bagel,

I am so very sorry you are faced with this terrible and painful decision. Many years ago, I had a 15 year old cat that suffered kidney failure. Her name was Angle and I loved her to pieces. Initially, we had to perform kitty dialysis at home but eventually, discontinued because it wasn’t really helping her. For the next week or so, I watched her for signs that she was in pain and ready to go. I know exactly what you mean about getting that feeling of ‘getting it over with’ but not wanting to let them go. I think that when we know it’s coming, it’s like being held in a suspenseful state and part of us believes that once it’s over, we’ll feel relieved that they’re out of pain and we don’t have to worry about failing them by not recognizing that ‘it’s time’. Also, it’s incredibly stressful waiting for a loved one to pass. With Angle, we reached a point where she had a very difficult night and I made the decision early that morning, after being up with her all night. When the time for the appointment rolled around later that morning, she was sitting in front of the sliding door, relaxing and watching the activity of the birds outside the door. She seemed to be better and I was really questioning my decision to end her pain that day. I struggled (translation – agonized) with the decision for quite a while and couldn’t decide what to do. A friend happened to stop by and gently asked me how I would feel if the coming night was as bad, or worse, than the previous. I finally realized that Angle was ready to go, I just wasn’t ready to follow through with my decision. I did end up taking her and I will tell you this much, as prepared as I thought I was for her to leave, I wasn’t prepared at all. It truly is the most difficult decision any of us are called upon to make. I do think that when your sweet Peaches is truly ready to go, you’ll know. There will be some sign that she no longer has any enjoyment in her life and the pain is outweighing her desire to stay with you.

I don’t know if my story was any help to you (probably not) but there are others on this forum that have had much experience with cats and cancer. I’m sure they will be much more comfort than I and have some very sage advice for you.

Please don’t worry about anyone trying to ‘convert’ you. While some of us have deeply held spiritual or religious beliefs (they are very different things – I’m spiritual but not religious), nobody pushes their belief system on another – and none of us has a clue what religion anyone here practices. We are all here because we love our animals and are seeking support in a world that often doesn’t understand how critical or beloved they are to our family units.

The best answer I can give you about Peaches essence surviving is the response I posted to Lana last week. Below is an excerpt which I just plagiarized from myself (just substitute the name Peaches where you see the name Hobbes). Hopefully it will offer a possible perspective for you to consider, without having to bring in anything that impinges on your belief system – and I totally respect your right to hold the opinion you do about spirituality and religion.
Regarding where Hobbes may be now. I respect your belief system and do not want to possibly offend with my personal opinion or push my beliefs on you so please allow me to offer a scientific perspective for you to consider. All living beings are comprised of energy and the body is just a vessel for that energy. Energy can not be destroyed but the organics which comprise the body will eventually return to their basic state. Since energy can’t be destroyed, it must go somewhere, once the organic is no longer an acceptable vessel. That being the case, Hobbes still exists, just not in a state we can see or recognize while we’re still in the physical world. I realize this doesn’t help much since there is a physical need for contact to help sooth the pain but I promise you, Hobbes does still exist and carries the love you shared.

Bagel, please know that you will be in my thoughts and I will be hoping that you find the guidance you seek. I also hope that when the time comes, you receive a clear sign from Peaches so you can move forward, guilt free. Big cyber-hug to you and I hope all of you enjoy a peaceful evening.

Peggy (the human)
P.S. If your avatar is a pic of Peaches, what a cutie and the sweetest face!

[bagel]

Hi Peggy's Human, thank you so much for your sweet words. I'm sorry for your loss with Angle... it really sounds like she had tender and dedicated care to the very end.

Yes, my avatar is a picture of Peaches -- sometimes she likes to get wrapped up in blankets like a "kitty burrito."

I like your thoughts about energy. Part of what's hurting me so much right now is this unexpected difference between loss of a beloved person and a beloved animal. When I've lost friends and relatives, even suddenly or unexpectedly, I always knew that they knew that I cared for them. For those whose deaths were anticipated, I've been able to tell them in words I know they'll understand how much they mean to me. With Peaches, I can show her all my love, but I'll never really know what goes on in that little brain of hers, or what she understands about the bond I perceive with her. I know she's aware that I care for her, and I know she has a special lifelong bond with me, but I really wish that I could tell her in a way I knew she would understand how much her presence in my life has meant to me, and thank her.

Peaceful evening here so far... my little lady is sitting and purring on my lap as I type this, though wheezing a little. Hope all is well with you and thank you again for your compassion.

[cat mom]

Hi Bagel,
I'm so sorry to hear about your kitty Peaches and the difficult decision you will have to be making soon.
I had to put my cat, Catzilla to sleep last August and it is the most difficult decision you will ever have to make, but also one of the most loving things you can do for your furkid - to give them peace and release from the pain and suffering they are going though. Zilla's illness was so sudden, and he clearly let us know that it was his time to be freed from this life. I still miss him every day.

I 'm having to syringe feed one of my other cats now, Munch, he's 14, and just doesn't want to eat any more. I have worked out a pretty good system for feeding him, and maybe it will make things easier for you and Peaches.
Go to a farm supply store and buy a few 35ml syringes with the tip that is about an inch long. The 12 ml ones that the vets give you are just too small and hard to work with. These syringes are good for about 8-10 feedings, then they start to stick too much and are hard to use. Next, I take plastic grocery bag and flatten it out and then cut it up the middle, and also cut the bottom off, so when you get done, you have two bibs, each one with a handle that will go over the kitty's head. I have an office chair that has arms, but any chair with arms should work well. Cover the seat of the chair with a piece of vinyl table cloth so drips and spills are easy to wipe up. I get the syringe of food ready, a full 35ml, put it right next to the chair. Put a bib next to the chair along with a moistened paper towel to be used for clean-ups. Drape a big towel sideways over the arms of the chair, like a beach towel, with most of it hanging off the front. Make sure everything is ready, then go and get your kitty and sit her down on the towel and wrap her up mummy-style so just her head is sticking out and she is sitting in the chair facing you so she can't back away or wiggle around. The towel should be snug, but not constricting. Gently put the bib over your cat's head and covering the towel so it will catch the major drips, but make sure that it is not too tight and choking her. Put the syringe to the corner of her mouth, just between the back teeth and put just a small amount of food in at at time, only about 1 ml or so, giving her plenty of time to swallow between bites. When you are done, take off the bib and release her immediately, so she knows that she won't be in the towel but for a short time.

With her wrapped in the towel, you can put one hand behind her head and kind of "aim" her head where you need it to be to get as much of the food in her as possible. Using this method, I can get all but about 2 or 3 ml of food into Munch, and he is unable to bat my hand away and leave before we are done. I know he doesn't like it, but he tolerates it well, and it seems like the most gentle way I can think of to restrain him. Maybe this will work for you, too.

As far as religion and after life goes, we all have our own beliefs, and there is no right or wrong. I personally think that we and our pets do have an existence after we leave this earth, and one day our spirits will meet again.
Whatever you believe, just know that your beloved pet will never just be gone. She will be with you always in your thoughts and memories, the love you and your pet share is eternal, and in keeping her memory alive, she will be immortal.

I know you have a very difficult time ahead of you, and this is a wonderful place to come and just talk and share what you are feeling and going though. We have all been through it and it helps so much to be able to share it with those who understand what you are going through. Please let us know how you and Peaches are doing. We do care.

A big hug for you and Peaches...

Cat Mom

[bagel]

Thank you Cat Mom for your compassion and practical tips. It sounds like Zilla had the most dedicated and generous caretaker.

So far I haven't really had to restrain Peaches to feed her as she's been pretty cooperative, but in the last day or two she's started to struggle much more and I fear that I'll have to start doing that. I'm using 50-ml syringes, putting in about 20ml of a/d and 20ml of water, shaking it all up, and then letting it "flow" into her mouth a few mls at a time instead of pushing it.

Peaches just found one of my hairties and started running around with it and meowing. She used to do this all the time (and leave them in her food bowl, haha), but I hadn't seen her do it in a little while. It makes me happy to see that she still has energy, but it's like a rollercoaster when she's clearly in pain.

I'm attaching a goofy picture of her in happier times.

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[moon_beam]

Hi, Bagel, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in this time of Anticipatory Grief for your precious Peaches. Please let me reassure you that what you are feeling is absolutely TOTALLY normal. You and your precious Peaches are traveling a road together where you both know your earthly journey is now significantly limited. This is a time to treasure to its fullest possible extent, Bagel - - as I know you both are doing.

Your precious Peaches is letting you know that her body is transitioning now - - by beginning to refuse her food. She is in human terms a "hospice" patient. When the physical body is shutting down it cannot process foods and liquids - - and there comes a time when "force feeding" is more harmful than good. Today is 14 months since my beautiful baby girl Abbygayle joined the angels, and I, too, was syringe feeding her for her last few days. The last weekend we were together she would accept a glucose feeding I made with water and clear Karo syrup - - but that was the only "feeding" that she would accept. My goal was to keep her as hydrated as possible so that she wouldn't go into seizure from dehydration. I already had an appointment that Monday afer work to end her earthly journey - - it was time. (If you'd like you can read her story on my topic "Abbygayle's Journey").

I know this is a very difficult time for you, Bagel. Also remember this tumor is on the roof of her mouth and might begin to interfere with her ability to swallow properly - - including fluids. So this is something you will need to keep careful watch on and may be another "indicator" to you as what needs to be done for her.

Bagel, it is a very difficult "balancing act" to "know" when it is time to make "the decision." The best advice I can give you is to listen to your precious Peaches - - with your heart - - in what she is telling you with her behaviors and reactions. And please know you and your precious Peaches are NOT alone - - NEVER EVER. Each of us here do understand what you both are going through, and we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your journey.

When it comes to spiritual issues, Bagel, it is not uncommon for us to experience a "belief challenge" when we are faced with a crisis situation - - as you are experiencing now with your precious Peaches. Even those who profess a deep spiritual belief can find themselves sorely tested and spiritually tormented in similar circumstances. Scientific studies have proven that every living being has an "energy" impact on other living beings and their environment. I call this "energy" a sweet Living Spirit, and I firmly believe there is a place of eternal joy beyond this physical world - - which I call "heaven." These are the words I use because they are what best describes what I believe in my heart. It is important for you to think of the words that will help you to find comfort with your sweet Peaches. Try to think of something or someplace that helps you feel the most peaceful - - what those circumstances would be - - and then find comfort in your heart that your sweet precious Peaches will be there in eternal joy as she patiently waits for you to join her at your appropriate time. Wherever our hearts are there also will be our treasure, and I know your and your precous Peaches' hearts will be forever united in eternal love. There is no greater treasure than eternal love, Bagel, be it in this life or in whatever "next life" that exists.

Thank you so much for sharing your precious Peaches with us, and the wonderful picture of her. Please know you both are in my thoughts and prayers, Bagel, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[bagel]

Thank you for your thoughts and kind words, moon_beam. Abbygayle sounds like such a lovely kitty, and I hope you're doing ok as you grieve.

We're doing sub-cutaneous fluid injections daily to keep Peaches hydrated, so she seems to be doing more or less ok on that front (and keeping a constant weight... so far). The tumor is actually on the bottom of her mouth, under her tongue, which makes it painful and difficult for her to eat. I'll keep the sugar syrup in mind and ask my vet about it tomorrow.

Another thing that's factoring into my decision is that she spends a lot of time alone (well, with her sister) during the week. My boyfriend and I both have to work long hours, which normally isn't much of a problem, but while we're gone Peaches has taken to pulling her hair out. She'll calm down and stop when we're around to snuggle and comfort her, but going into the week I'm feel awful about having to leave her alone again. I'm going to ask a neighbor to look in on her once or twice during the day, but if she continues to tear herself up I might have to take it as a sign that we're just not able to do enough to control her pain, even though she does have her calm and happy moments.

This isn't easy... I really thank all of you for being able to make something positive of your grief and helping out the next person. It really means the world to me.

[bagel]

A quick update: I took Peaches to the vet this morning, who confirmed my intuition -- the cancer is spreading and there's very little we can do at this point to help with her increasing pain. We're going to have to say goodbye to Peaches within the next few days.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bagel, thank you so much for letting us know how you and your precious Peaches are doing. I am very glad you took her in for a health status evaluation, and share your deepest sorrow that your precious Peaches will soon be joining the angels. It's also good that you have this opportunity to spend much needed quality time with her - - this will be very helpful and comforting to you in the coming days, weeks, months.

Bagel, I wish there were something I could say that could help comfort your heart and soul. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest friendship and reassurance that you are not alone during this most difficult journey. Please know you and your precious Peaches are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how things are going for you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Abby's Mom]

Oh Bagel, my heart breaks for you right now. I just lost my little dog Abby of 16 1/2 years. Wednesday will be 2 weeks. I am so thankful that I did not have to follow-through with putting her down. I had made my mind up that it had to be done because I literally saw her life quality slip away before my very eyes in a matter of a few days. However, she passed away naturally in my arms on the very morning I was going to take her to the vet for the final time.

As much as I miss her right now, I know that she is in a better place, free of all the constraints of this world, i.e. illness, old age, etc. I find that I too am more spiritual than religious but I can tell you this...I believe with every fiber of my being that my beautiful Abby still exists on another plane and that one day we will be reuinted again.

I am sorry beyond words that you are having to go through this. Looking at your beautiful kitty is like holding up a mirror to my cat Quincy. They could totally be siblings!

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your beloved Peaches,
Abby's Mom

[bagel]

Tomorrow's the day -- I'm going to bring my little lady to the vet and say goodbye. She won't accept food, and she's clearly in a lot of pain.

Here she is snuggling with her sweet sister, like we'll always remember her.

Thanks everyone who has offered your support. Just seeing sweet and understanding messages from strangers has made me feel much less lonely (and irrational). I'm not sure if I'll be able to come back here right away while I'm in immediate grief mode, but if I can I hope one day I'll be able to return and pay your kindness forward.

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[Suzanne64]

Bagel,
So sorry to hear of Peaches' diagnosis. She is such a beautiful kitty. But you are making the right decision to end her suffering. She's been quite a trooper and she loves you as much as you love her.
She will always be there in your heart.

And by the way, I consider myself a "spiritual agnostic". In my experiences with the loss of several people near and dear to me, I hve felt their presence strongly on the "other side" I see them as pure energy, without the earthly drama. I lost my kitty Timothy (the Tiger) in the early 1980's. He was born when I was 3 years old and died when I was 21, living abroad at the time. To this day, I sometimes dream of Timmy, sitting like a sphinx, watching over me with his wise green eyes. He is one of my guardian angels for sure.
Hugs,
Suzanne

[bagel]

RIP Peaches. I miss her so much already.

[kaylasmom]

Dear Bagel,

I'm so sorry to hear Peaches passed on today. I'm sure she knew she was one well-loved girl, from your posts you were the best kittymommy a cat could hope for. I know words are inadequate to describe the hurt and pain we feel when a furbaby has to leave this world, but please try to remember you are not alone. The kind and compassionate people on this site understand our losses in such a way that it just makes me feel better knowing that here, people "get it", our love for our furry companions. Please try to be kind to yourself and know that you and Peaches are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shelby aka Kaylasmom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bagel, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Peaches. Sometimes the physical body needs to be released so that healing can begin, and rest assured that your precious Peaches is now fully healed and restored to her former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Bagel, take your time through this new phase of your grief journey with the reassurance we are here for you, with you, and beside you every step you take. Thank you so much for sharing your treasured memory of your precious Peaches with us. She continues to be with you, Bagel, wherever you go and whatever you do - - she is forever in your heart and your memories - - she is always a heartbeat close to you.

Bage, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Michelle2]

Dear Bagel,

I am sorry to hear of your loss. It must be so difficult to lose a connection to your childhood, a companion of 16 years.

I know that no words through the Internet take away the pain, but I did want to say that I can appreciate so much of what you have written. I came to this forum today for the same reason it seems you initially did--to try to sort through my confusing feelings about ending the life of our beloved pet, Jasmine (our 12-year-old Sheltie who has an incurable autoimmune disease and quite a few bad days). Plus, like you, I am agnostic. I can empathize with SO much that you wrote in your first post.

Though I can't tell with 100% certainty that "it is time," we are putting Jazzy down on Saturday to end her suffering. I am crying all of the time in anticipation of it, so I can only imagine how sad you must feel now that Peaches is gone. My thoughts and kind wishes are with you as you work through this loss.

[bagel]

I'm aching for my little sweetheart, and I think my surviving cat (her sister) has been searching the house for her. Is there anything we can do to comfort or reassure her, besides the normal affection?

I know I did the right thing at the right moment, but it doesn't make it easy to know that I'll never again wake up with her purring beside me. The night before I gave her up, she played with my hair like she used to do when she was much younger and more energetic... I wonder if she was trying to tell me something, or if she was just silly from her pain meds.

Thanks all once again for your support... it's nice to come back here and read your caring and compassionate messages.

[Abby's Mom]

Bagel,

My heart is breaking for you right now and there are no words that can begin to relay the deep sadness you are feeling right now. I can only tell you that after 2 weeks without my special girl it is still incredibly painful but on some strange level it is getting a little better everyday. This is the 2nd most difficult thing I have ever had to go through and the 1st was losing my dad. So cry, scream, talk or do whatever makes you feel better at this time.

I loved what you said about Peaches playing with you hair as she used to do when she was younger on her last night. The last night that I had my Abby I put her in bed with me on top of her litle bed (she hadn't been able to sleep with me for a long time due to nighttime accidents) and she put her little head on my shoulder as she used to do when we'd snuggle at bedtime years ago. It warmed and broke my heart all at the same time. But I can tell you that I will treasure that little memory for the rest of my life.

My thoughts are with you and Peaches tonight. Please know that this is a great place where you can find comfort and cyber hugs 24/7. We are all here for you, as we are experiencing this with you through our own loss.

Be well Bagel, you and Peaches will meet again. Of that I am most certain-

Abby's Mom

[Peggy's Human]

Hi Bagel,

Please accept my deepest condolences on the loss of your beloved Peaches. It's such a difficult time for all of you and I hope you will be able to comfort each other as you move through your grief. Please know that you are all in my thoughts and I'll be hoping the pain in your hearts eases soon.

Please take care,

Peggy (the human)

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bagel, it is not unusual for our beloved companions to do some things they "used to do" just before they prepare for their journey home to the angels. It's almost as if they are sharing a sweet memory with us and reassuring us that they are looking forward to being restored to their former youthfulness once agian - - that they are truly tired and need to escape their frail physical bodies.

Bagel, this grief journey is one of "adjustment" - - both emotionally and physically - - to the physical absence of our beloved compainions - - and it is one of the most painful experiences we will know on this side of eternity. Please know your precious Peaches is still with you - - her sweet Living Spirit is forever with you in your heart and your memories. But as a suggestion that might help you through some of this difficult adjustment, I, along with several other forum friends, found it helpful to hold onto a blanket or a collar or a toy when the ache of separation was just too much to bear. I slept with collars under my pillow and held blankets in my arms for weeks, months after my furkids joined the angels - - and it helped to bridge the literal physical pain of not being able to hold them. Even though I had other beloved furkids still with me to hold, there were times, and still are times, when the physical ache is strong to hold my precious ones who are now with the angels. So it's okay to do what you feel you need to do to help you through your deep grief, Bagel.

As for your little Peaches' sister, as long as she is eating and taking care of her personal needs normally the only thing you can do is just give her extra love and reassurance. My Noah grieved deeply when his adopted big kitty brother Eli joined the angels in December 2006, as well as when his sibling baby sister Abbygayle joined the angels 14 months ago. It's a one day at a time adjustment journey for her as well, - - and comforting her may also bring you even closer together - - as it has for my Noah and me.

Bagel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I wish there were an easier way through this grief journey, but I hope you will always know we are here for you to help you and share whatever is in your heart that you feel comfortable sharing with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Bagel.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam