How Do You Know When It's Time? Options

[Bobbie]

My Trevor is slowly dying from a bunch of neurologic problems. Most of the time his pain is controlled by medication given every 3 hours. But then there are the nights that he and I are up for hours. Trevor is pacing, digging into the carpet, shaking his head and whimpering with pain. I give him many extra doses of pain medication, antihistamines and sedatives and then wait for them to "kick in". This can take up to another half-hour. He does not like to be touched at all during these episodes and, since he's almost deaf, he cannot hear soothing words. So I either sit or lie with him on the floor. When he does, finally, fall asleep, I cover him with his blanket and lie down beside him, covering his paw with my hand. That seems to be comforting to Trevor.
Trevor's neurologist says that Trevor will not die of the neuro problems. It will be a quality of life issue. Oh, great.
My problem is this: with each of my other ##er Spaniels, I knew exactly when it was time. This time I have no idea. I do NOT want Trevor to suffer, but there are times when he is doing just that. And yet, afternoons and evenings are decent times for him. And my heart just breaks when I think of him not being here (with me). Then I feel selfish, then I feel scared, etc. etc. etc.

Is there anyone who might be willing to share any advice they have?

I love Trevor with all my heart and soul. He is a 12 year old rescue dog that we've had to almost 2 years. He is such a good boy, even with all his "issues" and I want only the VERY BEST for him.
Thanks so much!
Trevor's very sad mom

[janika]

Dear Bobbie and Trevor

I am so sorry for what you and your dear Trevor are going through. I do understand to a great extent as this is what happened with my dear Angel girl Tasha. She was also 12 years old and had been diabetic and blind for 7 years. The last few months of her life I used to sleep downstairs with her, I hand fed her and had to help her to move around , but she still wagged her tail and fussed when anyone came , and seemed to be 'ok' ish. I think I should have let her go a little earlier, maybe, but like you I just didn't seem to be able to make the decision, until one Saturday morning when I don't really know how I knew, but I just did. Enough was enough for my precious girl. The 'spark' had gone from her. Thats the only way I can describe it.
You plainly love your dear Trevor so very much. If you think he is not suffering and is still getting pleasure in this life then you are doing the right thing by loving and caring for him, and helping him in every way you can. Maybe it would be best to have a talk with your Vet and take some advise. I just wish that I could help you , it is the hardest thing that we ever have to do, making the decision as to when we think it is time for our precious companions to be eased from pain and suffering. Maybe your Trevor will just somehow let you know, as was the case with my Tasha.

Please let us know how you and Trevor are, and know that you are both in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs
Jan and my Angels and Pixie x

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bobbie, just want to add my sincerest sympathies in what you are going through with your precious Trevor. Anticipatory Grief is very hard - - in its own right - - because we hold onto the adage that "where there's life, there's hope" - - and perhaps a miracle will happen that will enable us to keep our beloved companions for "just a little while longer."

Jan has already given you the very best response that I could ever hope to offer. Making "the decision" is never easy, but it is made with the deepest love we will ever know - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that our beloved companions, and your precious Trevor - - can once again be healed to his former youthfulness in the company of the angels. The good news is that they are no longer confined to their failing painful physical bodies. The deepest and saddest part is that we must let go of their physical presence with us for that to happen. And believe me, I all too well know that we can never ever adequately "prepare" ourselves for the absence of our beloved furkids' physical presence with us.

As Jan has said, your precious Trevor will let you know when it is "time", and your heart will know when it is "time" to release him. Please know we are here for you, Bobbie - - you are not alone in your journey.

Bobbie, please know you and your precious Trevor are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Bobbie]

Dear Jan and Pixie,
Thank you so much for your kind and compassionate words. I will keep them in my heart and let Trevor know as well. He is an amazing boy, who must have survived unspeakble cruelties in his former life. Although, unknowingly, we welcomed him into our lives at the ending of his, he is the best "thing" that could have happened to me. I am disabled and have not worked in over 16 years and Trevor is my home buddy. My husband works all day and is tired when he gets home, so Trevor (as have all my previous boys) knows everything I say and do (with him) all day. I just want to make Trevor's time with me the BEST in his life. And, although I know in my mind that I have done that, my heart has so much more to give him.
Oh, it is so scarey. But your thoughts will sustain me. as does Trevor's love.

will keep in touch,
Bobbie

[Bobbie]

Dear moon_beam,
thank you sooooooooooooooooo much for being there for and with me and Trevor. we'll keep in touch!

Bobbie & Trevor

[Bobbie]

Trevor's day was pretty good. He is deathly afraid to come down the stairs, ever since his (former) vet yanked him down their basement stairs a couple weeks ago. (I now have a new vet.) This morning he refused to come near the steps, so he and I spent the morning in our office: he was sleeping under his blanket and I was using the computer. By lunch time he tried the steps, but I had to sit on the same step he was trying to go down and hold him the entire time. I went all the way down on my rear end and Trevor got 12 Yogurt treats. His neuro problems have caused him to see very little, if at all. It also makes him deaf now.
The afternoon was spent sleeping on his comforter in the living room while mom did some reading and paperwork. By early evening he was up for a few hours and even chewed on a couple old bones (that I have to hold for him - he didn't know what marrow bones were when he first came here). Into the evening he started panting which is from either too much Prednisone and/or pain. It is now 10:20 pm and Trevor has taken his antihistamine, pain medications and sedative. He is resting near me until it is time to "go to bed". Hopefully, he will sleep peacefully tonight.

OK, Trevor, let's go to bed........


Thanks for listening everyone!
Good Night!

[Peggy's Human]

Dear Bobbie,

I'm so sorry you're faced with this difficult decision. One of the most difficult and heart-wrenching acts of love we are called upon to make is the decision to end the suffering of a beloved non-human family member. In my opinion, you are doing all the right things for Trevor. The best we can do is love them, give them as much of our time and comfort as possible, control their pain as much as possible and watch for them to signal us that they're ready to go. It does sound like Trevor is still finding some enjoyment in life so I don't think you're being selfish at all. I think you're struggling with finding that thin line between his episodes of suffering being more than he should have to deal with and the periods of enjoyment he finds in his days, which makes life worth living. I wish there were a roadmap I could share but all I can say is, when he feels it's time, you'll know. I have had the painful task of making that decision for many cats and dogs I've been fortunate enough to have in my life and even when I've been uncertain, I always saw something in their eyes on that last day that told me they knew it was their time to pass - although that didn't stop me from second-guessing myself later on. When I had to make the decision for my beloved Peggy (The Dog) 7 weeks ago, I didn't feel it was time at 10:00 pm but upon my return to the vet at 1:00 am, I saw that she knew it was time. As soon as I looked in her eyes, I knew she was telling me good-bye and was ready to go. Even when she closed her eyes and relaxed a little because we were there with her (before the shot), you could feel she was accepting that it was time to go and was just content that we were with her.

It's such a painful thing to have to decide and I think Trevor is very fortunate to have someone with him that is willing to spend so much time connecting with his needs as they evolve. I know how heavily this weighs upon your mind and heart and I will keep both you and Trevor in my prayers and I will check back as often as possible to see how you're doing and offer any comfort and support I can.

Take care of yourself,

Peggy (the human)

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bobbie, thank you so much for sharing with us how Trevor is doing. As Peggy has said, so I wish to affirm her words of encouragement: "The best we can do is love them, give them as much of our time and comfort as possible, control their pain as much as possible and watch for them to signal us that they're ready to go. It does sound like Trevor is still finding some enjoyment in life so I don't think you're being selfish at all. I think you're struggling with finding that thin line between his episodes of suffering being more than he should have to deal with and the periods of enjoyment he finds in his days, which makes life worth living."

I am so glad to know that you have found a new vet practitioner who is more compassionate. Several years ago I was faced with a similar situation with my number one kitty son Eli and never regretted my decision. It does make you wonder sometimes why some people become medical practitioners - - be they veterinarians or doctors for humans. I'm glad your Trevor attempted the steps, and that he knew you would be there - - step by step - - to steady him and encourage him. Since he's having neruological problems that affect his sight, this may be another reason for his hesitancy to use the steps. So your staying close to him and guiding him with the steps (you are his "seeing eye") is truly a comfort to him.

I hope and pray that you and Trevor had a very peaceful evening, Bobbie. Once again, please know we are here for you every step of your journey. Please know you and your precious Trevor are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Bobbie]

[size="3"][/size]Dear Peggy's Human and Moon Beam,

I am so very grateful for your consoling, encouraging and supportive words! You both have given me the insight and courage to go forward with Trevor. His "new" vet owns a mobile clinic now and really does like and respect Trevor. In addition he has given me advice over the phone many times - at no cost to me and no trauma for Trevor. I have also found another Vet Hospital that does sedation grooming, so those challenges are off the front burner for now.

Trevor had a bad night starting around 12 midnight. This time I nailed him with everything at one time, instead of waiting to see what might be working. You know, I have no qualms if I should accidentally overdose him (I would NEVER do it on purpose) because he would go so very peacefully, in his home, with mommy and daddy sleeping right next to him. Trevor did fall fast asleep in abut 20 minutes and made it through the rest of the night and well past 10:00 am! He would wake up just enough to take his pills, in a dog food "ball" and go right back to sleep.

Trevor looks so peacefull and secure when he is sleeping. He knows he is safe and that mommy is with him. At least I hope he knows that. When he's awake he follows me everywhere in the house. Even into the bathroom where his Cheerio's are waiting (he gets 4). Matter of fact, if he is in a deep sleep, in the living room, and I quietly get up to leave the room, he immediately wakes up and tries to find me. He'll even try to come up the stairs if I leave that gate open. He is mommy's boy. And such a wonderful boy!

Trevor used to BITE us when we first got him and we did things he didn't like. We thought he was just an aggressive dog. We weren't used to that in ##er Spaniels because none of our other boys ever did that. It took us several months to go up to University of PA Vet School and there we found out what his real problem was: severe hydrocephalus, Chiari malformation and sphyngomyelia. We found out that these conditions made Trevor extremely claustrophobic, affected his sight and depth perception and his hearing. Trevor also hated to be picked up. So from then on, we didn't do anything that Trevor didn't like and he hasn't even nipped at us since!

Again, I thank you wonderful supporters, for allowing me to lean on you and tell you all about my boy. May you be blessed with love, happiness and contentment every day of your lives!

Gratefully,
Bobbie (Trevor's mom)

PS: yes, expect more tonight.

[Peggy's Human]

Hi Bobbie,

Thank you for posting an update so quickly, you have been on my mind since I read your story last night. I'm sorry Trevor experienced difficulty and pain last night but good for you, throwing everything but the kitchen sink into him so quickly! In your current situation, I completely agree that it's best to aggressively medicate to stop the pain than to take an overly cautious route by slowly medicating. You stopped the pain and allowed him to get much needed rest so it ended up being a good night for you both, thank God! I am also so happy to hear that you found a vet that values Trevor. I too have encountered vets that don't seem to like animals. I have no understanding of those people, nor do I have any patience for them. I am so happy you found a vet that has the animal and people skills which are so necessary to truly excel in that profession. Hopefully, your new vet will be able to help guide you through this most dificult and emotional roller coaster. It does sound like you're feeling a bit more comfortable today and the self-doubt and questioning has subsided. I truly hope that is the case.

I have no doubt that Trevor is fully aware of your presence, even when asleep. When my sweet Peggy (The Dog) came to us at the age of 2 and a half, she had been very mistreated by the breeder who had her. In my entire life, I had never met an animal withh so many fears. It took several years to get her past all of them and I knew for sure that she felt safe when we reached a point where she would sleep so soundly that she often missed that someone was knocking at the door (maybe her snoring was drowing it out? LOL). Turns out that she NEVER slept throug anyone coming on the property when she was home with my mother and I was out but would sleep through a lot when I was home. I finally realized that when I was here, she felt safe enough to go into a deep sleep and trutsted that I would keep her safe - not that she didn't feel safe with Mom but she recognized I was the stronger personality and was in the 'alpha' role of the pack. I think her first truly deep sleep was sometime in the first year after she came to us. Medicated or not, only a creature that feels truly safe will allow themselves to go that deep into sleep. I have no dout that Trevor knows he's safe but as you said, he's so attuned to you that if you get up to leave the room, he pulls himself out of his slumber to find/follow you. You are his security blanket! As long as you're around, he's safe and can completely relax.

Thank you for sharing some of his history. It's sad how many of us have these beautiful, sweet souls come to us from horrible circumstances. I don't know how people can treat another living being the way some of these animals have been treated but thankfully, some of them finally find loving homes, like your Trevor. I hope today is being kind to you and Trevor and that you'll be able to share some 'quality time' together. I also pray that you'll both have a peacful night with much healing sleep.

Take care of yourself and please keep us posted on how things are going, when you have time.

Peggy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bobbie, thank you so much for sharing with us how Trevor is doing. Like Peggy I, too, am so sorry that Trevor had a bad night, and totally absolutely agree with you that when Trevor is in high pain that giving him all of his meds at one time is the much better route to take. When the body is in high pain, by the time that the meds are given the effects are longer to kick in, and do not last as long. Clinical studies have been done on sedation and pain management. Sedation does help to relax the body, which allows the pain to ease, which allows the physical body to rest which allows the natural process of relaxation to kick in which then helps improve the quality of life issues. I am so very glad you now have a vet who is responsive to both Trevor's and your needs. This does make taking care of Trevor so much easier.

Thank you so much for sharing your precious Trevor with us. I know you are already doing this - - just cherish each moment you have with him, although I also know this time is breaking your heart. And don't hide how you're feelings from your precious boy. Some people think that they have to "be strong" - - and that's okay unless it withholds the truest emotions you are feeling in your heart. You never did this during the "better" times of your earthly journey with your precious Trevor, and now is not the time to start.

Bobbie, please know you and your precious Trevor are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bobbie, thank you so much for sharing with us how Trevor is doing. Like Peggy I, too, am so sorry that Trevor had a bad night, and totally absolutely agree with you that when Trevor is in high pain that giving him all of his meds at one time is the much better route to take. When the body is in high pain, by the time that the meds are given the effects are longer to kick in, and do not last as long. Clinical studies have been done on sedation and pain management. Sedation does help to relax the body, which allows the pain to ease, which allows the physical body to rest which allows the natural process of relaxation to kick in which then helps improve the quality of life issues. I am so very glad you now have a vet who is responsive to both Trevor's and your needs. This does make taking care of Trevor so much easier.

Thank you so much for sharing your precious Trevor with us. I know you are already doing this - - just cherish each moment you have with him, although I also know this time is breaking your heart. And don't hide how you're feelings from your precious boy. Some people think that they have to "be strong" - - and that's okay unless it withholds the truest emotions you are feeling in your heart. You never did this during the "better" times of your earthly journey with your precious Trevor, and now is not the time to start.

Bobbie, please know you and your precious Trevor are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Bobbie]

Dear, dear Peggy and Moon Beam,

Words cannot begin to express my gratitude for your words of support and afirmation. Only those of us who have "been there" car truly understand what others say and are going through. And both of you, actually everyone who has sent me messages, TRULY understand. You offer encouragement that has made all the difference in the world, since I've met you. Having support available upon such short notice is invaluable to me. And will be especially so once the work week begins.

Today ended up being a fairly good day for Trevor. He took naps most of the afternoon while his daddy went grocery shopping so I could stay home with him. I spent most of the time doing paperwork and watching baseball games. Most sports seem to have a soothing, continuous sound that helps put Trevor and me to sleep. Trevor had a very good salad this afternoon, too. AS I was cutting up carrots and green beans, I would give Trevor piese of both and he loved them!! Since he's on Prednisone and is hungry 24/7, I'm glad he'll eat some very low calorie foods. He's quite a little porker now, weighing almost 40 pounds!!!! After dinner and just after sunset, Trevor actually wanted to go outside with me! He hasn't wanted to go out for days and I finally realize why: the sunshine is too intense for his eyes. We were outside for almost 10 minutes and I was so happy. Soon after, he started panting. I don't know if it's from the Pred or pain. I have a feeling it's from the Pred. He's on 1 1/2 Tramadol and 2 Neurontin every 3 hours.

We came upstairs about an hour ago. Trevor is sleeping in the bedroom - hopefully at least until 1 am, when his next dose of Tramadol is due. My wonderful hubby (Mr. Stan) takes the 4 am dosing so I can sleep through. Then we're up at 6:30 am - Trevor gets up at 7am. And another day begins.

I did want to tell you about the incredible couple who found Trevor on their lawn about 3-4 years ago. Their names are Mark & Linda. They already had a dog when they found Trevor, but that didn't stop them from taking him to the best Vet E.R. in town and paying for all the care and medication he needed. They even tried to keep Trevor, but their other dog was jealous so they had to surrender him to a local breed rescue. He spent a pretty rotten year and a half with the rescue until I finally saw him on their Website. From that moment on, it took only 3 weeks to finally welcome him into our home and our hearts. Mark & Linda have follwed Trevor every step of his journey and have even paid for some medical expenses we couldn't afford! They have beenover to visit Trevor and send him gifts. They are amazing

Oops! Trevor just woke up and didn't know where I went, so I have to go comfort him.

Good Night! BTW - Gretta's mom is my sister!

[Peggy's Human]

Hi Bobbie,

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and Trevor this morning, hoping you both had a peaceful and pain-free night. Thank you for sharing more of your story. It's wonderful that Mark and Linda care so deeply for Trevor. It's a blessing that he has so many people in his life that are so focused on his well-being. Isn't it amazing? Animals like Trevor literally get to experience both the best and the worst of humankind. I think the experience of most pets lands somewhere in the middle with their human interactions, neither extreme is experienced. But then there are the animals that experience extreme cruelty and then (please God!), are rescued and get an opportunity to experience humans whose only agenda is to soothe their damaged spirit and try to bring them love and a quality of life they never knew existed. The absolute polarity of the humans capacity to destroy or nurture astounds me.

I love that your shared your and Trevor's relationship with Mark and Linda. Sometimes it's so easy to forget that there are many people in this world that regularly perform selfless acts of kindness, and just do it very quietly. I go through stages where I will not watch or read the news because I just can't deal with the horror being depicted. I have a reputation as someone who isn't overly emotional or easily shaken or upset, isn't easly offend, strongly driven by the need to be fair, able to cut to the heart of a matter and will dispassionaly 'tell it like it is' but in as gentle a way as possible, while still being clear (unless you tick me off by being deliberately mean to someone, in which case, run for the hills cause I'm opening a big can of Irish on your butt!). To quote a friend and former employee that I managed for several years, 'You're tough but fair'. People who don't know me well think I operate mostly from a point of logic. The truth is, I am extremely emotional and feel things very deeply but I've learned to filter everything (okay, almost everything) through the mental process before opening my mouth. I don't usually allow others to see it but it shakes me to the core of my being, watching or hearing of people with a screwed up personal agenda inflict the consequences of their reckless disregard on other living beings (be it human or animal) and often times, the outright cruelty that is intentionally inflicted upon others. It makes me question why I'm even here. I don't understand, nor do I ever want to understand, how others can justify their behavior when it hurts others. When I've had discussions about personal responsibilty for ones actions with non-animal people or people who were just self-absorbed, I don't focus on the spiritual implications of treating another being cruelly, I focus on the lack of logic behind it. There is no way anything positive will ever come from deliberatly inflicting pain on another. There are always alternate ways of acheiving ones goals but with the twisted logic of the self-deluded, self-absorbed and self-rightous they just don't get it and I wonder if there's any hope for this world or humans as a species. Meeting others like you on this site and hearing about people like Mark and Linds reminds me that even though there are some souls on this planet that exemplify the absolute worst of humanity, there really are others that shine like a beacon and exemplify all the good we're all capable of, if we would only take the time and make the small effort it requires (and put our selfish wants behind others needs). I thank you from the bottom of my (mushy) heart for providing me with yet 2 more examples of the later. It was/is a wonderful way to start off this new week!

I am sorry to hear that your sister, Gretta's Mom, is going through the same type of situation. As you know, I've been corresponding with her as well. What's intersting for me is, for the first time ever, I was having trouble keeping straight which post I was responding to as I wrote and posted replies to you both. I had to circle back to what I was writing as I reponded to each of you because I realized I was incorporating elements from both stories into my responses. I had a big 'ah ha!' moment when you told me you were sisters - maybe my confusion wasn't so much my befuddled head as it was my brain recognizing similar writing patterns and associating both postings with 1 person. At least, that's my story and I'm sticking with it!

Again, I hope last night went smoothly and that this week is filled with peace for both you and Trevor. I think you have discovere the magic key to his pain management and I pray that it continues to work. You're a dear person and I wish you all the blessings in the world.

Take care of yourself and please keep me posted on how your both doing.

Peggy

[Bobbie]

Hi Peggy!

You are a beacon of sunshine in my life! Last night I read about your wonderful Peggy (the dog) and my heart was breaking for all that you two Peggys went through, esp. at the end. Your love, compassion, dedication, empathy, and resolve to spare Peggy the dog from any more pain and suffering shines through every word. And when Peggy gave you her last bit of loving energy, I was almost beside myself! You are one amazing person and the animals are so lucky that you are around!

I love all animals. I only squish Stink Bugs because they are so numerous and have no natural enemies in this country yet and they are ruining our state's crops. But I make sure and apologize at the same time! I cannot watch any television footage or pictures of any violence to any animal because I will remember the image(s) forever. They do not go away. I could not read "The Lost Dogs". I cried. I try to donate to those Humane organizations that are truly working for the animals and insist that they send me NO literature or "gifts". They are wasting money that could be used for the animals. I cannot do nearly what I used to do and it kills me to recycle the envelopes that come in the mail. But I rescued Trevor and spend 25% of our pay to care for him. And my sister has helped, too!

Trevor's night was barely fair. He didn't seem in pain, but was very insecure. He constantly had to know where I was, so I finally slept on the floor next to him. This morning I had a backache. He has slept all day upstairs and that's where I have been, also. I haven't gotten anything "done" that I had planned, but I also don't care about that. We do have to go down around 4 pm.
We are going to try one additional medication for Trevor. His neurologist suggested amantadine which is a human drug so we can get it cheaper at Walmart. This should re-route signals in the brain which detect and react to pain. He's only on it for 3 weeks, then off for 4 months. I hope it works.

Mark and Linda are such gems! Linda even offered to pay for the shunt surgery for Trevor, but I'm not doing that to him. Plans are made for Trevor's buriel at the Blatimore Humane Society's cemetary (where all my other boys are) and Mark and Linda will be there, too. All, but one, of my boys have gone to the Rainbow Bridge in our home. Most people think that is wierd or too hard, but I find it the best for us and the boys. Familiar surroundings, mom and dad right there, soft blanket cushioning them and a familair vet as well. I admire you for being able to say good bye as you did! And my sister, too.

Yes, Jeanne is so very sad and lost. Gretta was her first and only dog as an adult. This was her first experience with everthing that goes with and erupts from a doggie death. I try to comfort and validate her actions and feeling, but I am doing a dismal job (although she says I'm fine). And she won't be getting another dog, so that makes things even worse, I think. You are helping her tremendously. Thank you!

Well, it's time to actually DO something up here while Trevor is still sleeping in the bathroom......

Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul for your friendship and comfort!

Love,
Bobbie

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bobbie, thank you so much for sharing with us how your precious Trevor is doing. You will want to check the side-effects of the drugs your precious boy is on, because some of those drugs have warnings about being out in the sun, as well as disorientation, anxiety (his being anxious to know where you are - - perhaps more so than before he was on the medication), etc.. Prednisone, as you know, is used for cancer patients and has other side effects than increased appetite and thirst. So, be sure to read those warnings and side effects on those drugs. My Oslo was also on Tramadol to help him with the long-term effects of Laryngeal Paralysis - - which is a neurological illness which aslo degenerates the body over time - - similar to Lou Gehrig's disease.

I'm so glad you have the support of friends who are physically located close to you. This is always helpful. We are blessed to have you here, Bobbie, to have the privilege to get to know you and your precious Trevor. I hope tonight will be a better night for your precious boy, which will in turn be a good night for you. Please know you and Trevor are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how things are going whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Bobbie]

[size="3"][/size] Dear Moon Beam,

Thank you, again, for your words of comfort and fair warnings. I am so very, very sorry about the illness and death your wonderful Oslo suffered. I am quite familiar with ALS as a coule friends have died from that. And for a precious dog to come down with something so similar! I feel so sorry for the animals because we cannot communicate what is happening to them in a way we both understand. I know you were a great mother and Oslo trusted you completely.

Trevor slept practically all day upstairs (until 3:30 pm) so, naturally I was upstairs, too. Did not get my errands done, didn't even get my "chores" done, but I did get a nice, long, leisurely bath in and Trevor didn't have to be anxious at all. Tonight I went to our church's conversion class and Stan stayed home with Trevor, so he wasn't alone. I got home around 8:30 and Trevor seemed fine. WE all had some ice cream and have come upstairs for bed. Thank you for your wishes for a good night tonight.

Prednisone is such a powerful drug and has a myriad of side-effects, including diabetes! We think the first time Trevor was on the high doses of Pred, he was pushed into diabetes, but recovered when we weaned him off. He is now on 3mg twice a day and the drinking/peeing is tolerable. The last drug that we're going to try will be in tomorrow, so we'll start that on Wednesday. I keep a chart of every med that Trevor takes, when he takes it and any negative effects. Good thing I used to work in medicine!

God bless you, Moon Beam, for your friendship, love and support. It means more than you will ever know!

Love,
Bobbie

[Peggy's Human]

Hey Bobbie,

I hope this evening finds you and Trevor doing well (I hope, I hope!). 'beacon of sunshine'. Wow, nobody has ever called me anything close to that before. LOL I really don't think I deserve such high praise but I thank you for saying something so kind and I am very happy to know that my responses may have helped in some small way. I don't accept compliments terribly well, as you may notice but I'm working on that - and your overwhelming compliment is certainally a challenge! Thank you for reading Peggy's and my story. It was so difficult to go through and she was such an amazing gift to have in my life. Honestly, I was the one who was blessed. I loved her with my whole heart but she deserved a better human than I (even if I suspect she'd argue with that). I try hard to be sensitive to others feelings but when I'm 'on a mission' my strong Irish personality can get pretty focused and direct or pushy, and she had to deal with that on occasion. I always tried to keep impatience in check when she was around. If I was focused on the task at hand and not on my tone, I would sometimes 'bark out' (no pun intended!) a command and she'd scramble to respond. I'd then realize I was too pushy with her and it would take my poor Peggy several hours (in the beginning it was days) to recover from feeling she had been snapped at. It didn't matter if I apologized and spent some time trying to get her to relax again, it still took her time to let it go and not seem depressed. Ironically, I suspect it was that same personality trait that made her feel safe. When a strange Doberman wandered into my yard while we were outside (and he was a big boy), she was scared and got behind me. He stood his ground, he was clearly confusing himself with the real alpha of the property. I turned to Peggy and ordered her to the side door of the house. She went to the door and turned to watch, the Dobbie was watching all of this with a superior, don't mess with me attitude. Silly boy. He should have left while he still had time to save face. After I ordered her to stay on the stairs, I turned back to him and told him to take off (I knew he lived in a house through the woods behind my house, I just didn't know him or his family). Anyway, he started to square off with me and I just started walking toward him, pointing the way off the property while saying 'GIT' in a firm voice. He stood his ground for several seconds but our eyes were locked and I kept reminding myself that this was MY space, not his and kept walking toward him while ordering him away. Clearly he wasn't used to be challenged so it threw him that I was assertively moving to push him off my property. He finally realized he wasn't going to win so he broke eye contact and turned to move away. He went about 10 feet and then turned to challenge me again. You'd think he'd have figured out he wasn't going to win by then but nope, he stood his ground again. So, I moved toward him with a very focused intent and a more assertive, determined walk and he broke off within 3 seconds. After that, he'd come onto my property to poop on my walkway but always took off as soon as I'd open the door. Turns out my next door neighbors had encountered him and they couldn't get him to leave their property, they felt too threatened. They nicknamed him Adolph. LOL Anyway, all this seemed to get me 'points' with Peggy. I think that seeing me confront and handle situations that scared her made her feel that I would/could protect her. Having a big tough dog acknowledge that I was the alpha certainally impressed her!

I so much understand what you mean about being haunted by images of cruelty. I'm the EXACT same way. I still recall every image I've seen since childhood, it's like you're scared by having the event burned into you heart and mind. And it will never leave you. And you cracked me up with telling the Humane Orgs to not send you lit. I do the EXACT same thing! I'm &%^ about them telling me exactly how much goes to the physical needs of the animals - and it better be way more than what's going for salaries or 'admin costs'. I know how to play the accounting game too so that garbage doesn't fly with me. Show me exactly where the money is going and if I agree with how you budget your donated dollars, I will willingly give until it hurts. I'm not rolling in money by any means but a qucik sumary is, I was laid off in late winter/early spring 2008 (I'm in the financial sector), That spring, Peggy came up lame and after about 1k, it was determined she had Lyme disease. Fast forward about 4 weeks and she was ripping herself apart scratching. Back to the vet and another $1,500 to determine she had food alergies. About $1,250 in food and a restrictred diet followed. 1 month after idenifiying the food alergies, she came down with a skin fungus, which cost another $500 to address. Then there was a choking incident which required a late night visit to Tufts and another $500. All of this happened within 3 - 4 months and while I was unemployed. I called her my $5k dog that summer. The poor little thing just couldn't catch a break, healthwise. Anyway, I got hired in the fall but laid off again in January and we started on the vet merry-go-round again. I was unemployed for almost 2 years and Peggy (and Mom) were my salvation during that time. I only landed another job this past November and lost Peggy 3 months later. Now that I'm once again enjoying an income, my biggest expense, beyond my mortgage, is gone. Isn't that ironic? So I know what you're saying about putting a significant amount of your income into their health. But there is no other way to go, in my opinion.

I am sorry Trevor was so restless last night. I read the post from my sweet, gentle cyber-friend Moon_Beam and will tell you, I view her as my cyber-Oracle for pets. She is a wise woman who is always so willing to share her experience, wisdom and gentle support. I'm sure your Dr is keeping you up to speed on the possible interactions and side-effects of the meds Trevor is on but Moon_Beam brings up some great questions to pose, if they haven't already been discussed. Maybe his restlessness is partially or entirely caused by the meds? I will keep my fingers crossed that the new suggested med can be used and does accomplish what is hoped for. If you have to sleep on the floor again, you may want to consider buying one of those 'egg crate' foam rubber mattress pads. I've used those on the floor, on top of a doubled over, thick comforter and it's not great but its not horrible and it will be a little better for your back. As things progress, you may be spending more time on the floor than you anticipate so it may be worth your while checking it out (and you can fold it up to a small size to store - and don't need to blow it up).

I do not think it's weird for you to have the vet to the house to end their suffering. When we lived in Upton (rural-ish), I managed to negotiate with a farm vet to come to the house to put down 2 of our dogs. It was so much better for the dogs and we didn't have to drive through tears (and we had a lot of land on which to bury them). Unfortunately, the town I'm in now is very much the suburbs and vets do not make house calls. Funny to consider that I see deer, turkeys, ducks, fishercat, coyotee on my property and yet I'm less than 1/4 mile outside the center of town, as the crow flies. And it's a very settled, old New England town. We just don't have a lot of farm land and the vets don't make exceptions to the farm only rule. I envy you the ability to get a vet to the house.

I am so very sorry that Jeanne is going through the pain of loss. I am also sorry to hear she doesn't think she'll ever have another dog. I hope she changes her mind someday. She's a loving and generous soul and I'd like to think she'll someday be able to again connect with an animal who needs her love, and will love her in return. It's so painful to go through but honestly, I would not trade a single minute of my time with Peggy to remove all the pain I have now. Maybe when the worst of her pain passes she'll change her mind. Or as often happens, the animal that's meant to be with you, finds you and you don't have a lot of choice since you're bonded before you know what happened. Either way, she must do what's best for her and I hope she gets through this and gets to a place of peace soon.

I apologize for my very long response. Sometimes, once I start writing, it just flows.

Bobbie, I pray you and Trevor enjoy a night of peace and healing sleep, with you on a comfortable surface that doesn't cause you addiitional pain. Please feel free to reach out to me if you need anything.

Take care of yourself, my sweet friend,

Peggy

[Bobbie]

Good Morning, Peggy!

My best friend's name was Peggy. She and I were in grade school together and when I have to move to another town, we thought the world was ending! Then we realized I needed to come back to my hometown every two weeks for braces work so we were happy once again. When we were 12, Peggy developed cancer in her brain. The first year she was pretty fine, but became paralyzed the second year and passed away two days before her 14th birthday. My mom had been one of her private duty nurses. I was devastated, but soon realized I had an angel as a personal friend! I send flowers to the Creche at her church every Christmas. Been doing it for 42 years and won't stop. So Peggy is a wonderful name!

Once Trevor got to sleep, he slept well all night! Sometimes I have to lie with my head at the foot of the bed so he can see my face while he's falling asleep. I know my hubby thinks I'm overly involved with Trevor and that I'm going to have a hard, hard time when he goes (Trevor, not my Stan). I know I will, but I must put everything possible into Trevor's emotional bank, so that the guilt I feel will be minimal at most. This morning he got his A.M. pills and is snoring in the ohther room - upstairs again. He is so deathly afraid to go down stairs now, that I have to hold him for each step. I am so angry at my former vet! Once Trevor is gone, the fur is going to fly there. Trevor's neurologist from U of PA had no more ideas for pain management. Trevor is on HIGH dose Prilosec (60 mg daily) to decrease total fluid production and low donse Prednisone, along with Tramadol, Neurontin, Hydroxizine and Acepromazine and Clavamox. The neuro guy was writing to me about long term effects of the meds and then realized there probably wasn't going to be a "long term" for Trevor. Which is fine with me, just keep him out of pain.

And it's so great that we share the same Feast Day - St. Patrick's Day!!!!! My dad is Irish and my maiden name was Fahey.

My husband was unemployed for 13 months, from 2009-2010, then he found a job, out of the city (Baltimore), but at a much lower pay. Of course, the people in his office (he sells commercial insurance) are wonderful to him and he's only 17 miles "up the road". I'm on a fixed income from the govt. (Social Security Disability) since 1995. But our parents taught us how to be thrifty and I'm the household comptroller, so we're getting along. So I know what you've been through financially, etc.

Peggy, you are an awesome person and I'm so glad we're friends and in our lives! I don't mind your letters to me. Every word is so important.

Have a GREAT day and greet your mom for me. I really look forward to hearing from you again!

Time to go lie down with Trevor!

Love,
Bobbie

[Bobbie]

Well, tomorrow (4/20) we are going to add one final medication to Trevor's regime. His neurologist at U of Penn wants to try amantadine. This drug is used to treat Parkinson's and M.S. and some tpes of flu. The vet's objective is to restart Trevor's brain's response to pain. He'll take the drug daily for 3 weeks and then be off it for 4-6 months (hopefully). The other med. that he suggested is just too pricey for our budget and may not mke any difference anyway.

Trevor had a pretty good day. We slept in until 9:00 this morning and then Trevor finally got up about an hour later. He only got up once during the night and that was to pee. We made it downstairs VERY carefully. I went shopping for groceries and got back just in time to give him his 1:00 pm meds and then I went to the doctor. Got home around 4:30 and gave Trevor another round of meds. He was really glad to see me. Guess he missed me. Again at 6 pm we had to go to dinner at a friend's house but we were home by 7:30. Trevor was busy watching me do stuff in the kitchen and he seemed comfortable, even through a nasty thunderstorm. Some times it's nice not to be able to hear those boomers.

Trevor was panting, from overeating today, but when we got upstairs, he settled right down and went to sleep. Of course mom was lying the "wrong" way in the bed so Trevor knew where my face was. Right now he's sleeping, under his blanket, in the bedroom, waiting for me to get back in there. So, it has been a good day for us.

Tomorrow it's supposed to be 80 degrees, so we're staying in the air conditioning; the heat is very stressful for Trevor (me, too).

Thank you, everyone, for supporting us and caring so much. A nice way to end the day!

Bless you all!
Bobbie & Trevor