I Need Some Support, Barney Options

[Rhapsedy]

I was on this website about a year and a half ago grieving the loss of my beautiful dog Callaway. I was devastated and felt such guilt and pain. 10 months later I was back dealing with the loss of my beautiful dog Brando. I'm back again dealing with the loss of my dog Barney. He died yesterday during an emergency surgery. Barney ate everthing in sight and he got into some installation while my husband and I were tearing down our ceiling, he was fine for a couple of months after that so I thought he just passed it but he obviously didn't. About a week and a half ago he stopped eating and wasn't going to the bathroom, I took him to the vet immediately. The vet thought he had "garbage gut" and gave him some antibiotics. He didn't get better so I took him back 2 days later. The vet kept him so she could do bloodwork and x-rays. The first x-ray showed part of the intestine was bigger than normal so she gave him some barium to try and help pass the blockage. After awhile she did anothe x-ray and the intestine loooked normal. After having him for a couple of days she decided to send him home thinking that he would get better. He didn't get better so I took him back, she kept him for a day and gave him some fluids. He seemed a little better so sent him home again and said if he wasn't better in a couple of days that she wanted to do surgery. He didn't get better so we scheduled the surgery for this Tuesday. My husband took him into the vet that morning and he seemed much better. My husband called me and said that we could wait another 24 hours to do the surgery since Barney was feeling better. I told him to ask the vet what she would do if it were her dog and she said she would wait. So we brought him back home and he got really bad that night and by morning he could hardly walk. The vet did surgery yesterday morning to clean out his intestines but when she cut him open a bunch of fluid poured out, his bowel had obstructed. She repaired the intestines and when she started to sew him back up she lost him but brought him back, a few minutes later she lost him for good.

I am devasted again! I wish I would have done the surgery sooner! I am feeling guilt again and don't feel like I can go through this pain and guilt one more time.

A little history on Barney. He was at Animal Control and was going to be put to sleep that day. I went to rescue him planning on finding him a home but after one day I was in love with him. He was a problem child. He bit me 5 times and my husband and mom 3 times. He really wasn't a mean dog he was seriously mentally challenged. I have spent thousands of dollars on him trying to figure out how to "fix" him. I had taken him to 3 different neurologists and they couldn't figure out why he acted the way he did. I think maybe he was born that way or maybe he had a head trauma that caused his mental issues. He really did have a good soul and deserved a good life. I tried to give that to him but ended up letting him down by not making the right choices for him.

I had to leave this forum a few months back because I felt overwhelmed by what other people were going thu with their loss. I was pretty active for several months after my two other dogs died but finally had to stop responding to others. The reason I'm saying this is because I feel bad that I'm on here again asking for help when I should have been on here all along helping others.

Thank you for listening.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Rhapsedy, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Barney. Multiple losses in a short period of time are extremely devastating, and I am so sorry that you are once again faced with having to begin yet another grief adjustment journey. I am so glad you are here with us, Rhapsedy.

First of all, the choices you made for Barney were made with the evaluations you received from a qualified professional veterinarian. Caution is always the first course of treatment - - "first do no harm." X-rays were taken, particularly with barium in his system, and that did not reveal anything "significant." Your vet could not make any other assessment except to do the surgery - - and there is always a risk of doing "more harm than good" by exposing the internal system to infection through open wound surgery.

You said, "He really did have a good soul and deserved a good life. I tried to give that to him . . " Stop there, Rhapsedy BECAUSE you DID give him a good life. He knows he is loved and cared for - - you gave him a loving earthly home which he would never have known had you not rescued him. Knowing what it is like to have a furchild companion with mental health issues (with my number one kitty son Eli) I can so appreciate your agonizing to try to "fix" him - - which you did - - by loving him and doing everything that is in your power to help him have "a good life."

Unfortunately our furkids get into things - - we simply cannot prevent this - - and regrettably these misadventures can become issues of great sadness for us. As you know guilt is a part of this grief journey, and is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile. However, KNOWING this does not stop the "I wish I had" "wish I had not" and on and on and on which consume us in our deepest sorrow because our beloved companions are no longer physically with us - - and we, the humans, are bereft with deep guilt and sorrow because we are faced with the ultimate reality that we are not omnipotent.

Rhapsedy, each of us can only handle what we are emotionally "strong" enough to handle. It's okay that you have felt the need to not be here. You are truly among friends here who do understand how you're feeling, and I am so glad you have shared your precious Barney with us.

Rhapsedy, I can just imagine the shock and disbelief you must be feeling - - "how can this be happening AGAIN!!" WHY is this happening again?" It is EXTREMELY important for you to know you are NOT alone, Rhapsedy, so please know each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Thank you again so much for sharing your precious Barney with us, Rhapsedy. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Juturna]

Dear Rapsedy,

Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your precious Barney. You took him to the vet and followed medical advice. I believe that you did the very best you could for him. Please be gentle with yourself.

It is especially hard when you've had other painful losses recently and this was unexpected. The guilt is part of this grief process, and you are not alone with it. As Moon_bean said "our furkids get into things".

How blessed Barney was to have been adopted by you. Taking him to the neurologists and working with him on his biting was an act of grace. He knew how much he was loved and cared for. I know how much patience it takes to work with a dog that bites as I had this issue initially with my beautiful Victoria.

Thank you for sharing your pain with us and for allowing us to read about your precious Barney. Please continue to let us know how you are doing.
With peace and healing thoughts,
Juturna

[Cheryl83]

Oh, no, Rhapsedy

I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now. While reading your post I, myself, experienced feelings of disbelief and anger, asking,
"WHY is this happening to her again??? This isn't fair!!!" Rhapsedy, I am so, so sorry that you're going through this again. I wish there was something I could do or say to take away your pain. You are a good person, who clearly loved all your dogs. You have nothing to feel gulity for. You did the best you could, Rhapsedy, you really did.

We're here for you whenever you need to talk, rant, cry onto your keyboard... we're here.

Try to take care of yourself as best as you can.

Hugs, Cheryl xx

[Brutus]

oh no Rhapsedy, I am so sorry. I never expected to see this. I still come here but rarely post. Please try not to put yourself through all that guilt again, I know easier said than done. You gave Barney a great life, one that no one else was willing to do. I often felt that Brutus had some "mental challenges" because of the siezures he had early in his life, and my husband and I say now that we don't think anyone else would of put up with him, Barney was meant to be with you for the same reason, you did all you could. I know what a great life you gave to Calloway and Brando, so I know that Barney was no different.

Please take care of yourself and check in here...Doug and I will be praying for peace for you and your husband.

Much Love and many hugs,
Sonya

[Rhapsedy]

Thanks Moon_beam... you always bring such comfort.

My heart is completely broken and I don't know how to handle this again. Last night I prayed that I wouldn't wake up this morning. Barney deserved to live longer and I didn't do what it took to make that happen. Now he is dead and I feel like he doesn't forgive me for making the wrong decision.

[Rhapsedy]

Thank you Juturna!

I am not doing good today. I just started to heal from my other two losses and then this hit me. My other two dogs were 14 and 15 1/2 so at least they had a good long life. Poor Barney was only 4 years old, because of me he is longer here.

[Rhapsedy]

Hi Cheryl,

I am very, very angry! This didn't have to happen and I question why it did! Even if I didn't make the right decisions God could have jumped in and saved him. My counselor said that there is a lesson in this and I can't believe that I have to learn a lesson at the expense of Barney.

Thank you for listening.

[Rhapsedy]

Sonya, I was so hoping you would respond. We both went thru our pain of Callaway and Brutus together and feel we have a connection in that way.

I am hurting so bad and don't know how to make it thru this. You would think I would be an old pro at this but I because of my decision to wait on the surgery he died, because my husband and I decided to remodel our living room he died, we thought we cleaned up all the installation but he got to it somehow.

Thank you so much for the prayers, my husband and I are going to need them.

I hope all is well with your family.

Love,
Rhapsedy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Rhapsedy, my heart is deeply saddened with this overwhelming grief you are going through. I wish with all my heart that I could take it away from you, but I do not have that power. I truly believe with all my heart that Barney does not want you punishing yourself for something that is beyond your control. We can only make decisions based on the information we have at any given time and provided to us by professionals in their field of expertise.

Rhapsedy, we do not have the blessing of foreknowledge as to the circumstances that will physically separate us from our beloved companions. If we did have this foreknowledge, the question would then be if we would embrace them into our hearts and know the most enduring eternal love bond we can ever know. You gave your precious Barney the best life he could have during his earthly journey with you. If there is any "lesson" to be learned from this it is to focus on the eternal love you and your precious Barney share and to embrace his sweet Living Spirit which is always with you in your heart and memories, continuing to share your earthly journey just as he always has and always will.

Rhapsedy, I hope and pray with all my heart that you will be able to come to know that you truly did EVERYTHING within your power to give your precious Barney a happy and healthy life. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rhapsedy, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Brutus]

Please don't blame yourself. You were only following the vet's advice, which is the exact same thing I would of done. If the surgery would of been earlier, I really believe the outcome would of been the same. Life happens (and death) and there is often nothing we can do about it. If it wouldn't of been the insulation Rhapsedy, it would of been something else since Barney did eat everything in sight. You can not blame yourself, it is impossible to watch a dog 24/7 without driving the dog and yourself nuts. As much as we all like to think we have control, we just don't sometimes. The what-if's will drive you crazy....what if you never saw Barney at Animal Control? Barney would of never got to live the wonderful life he did with you, he would of probably been put to sleep. Yes, you wouldn't be hurting right now, but you would of never had the joy of loving Barney (even though he had his difficult moments). I do believe Barney was there to help you understand and get through the pain of losing Calloway and Brando.

I guess I don't see the lesson in all of this as your counselor says (but I'm far from being an expert). Perhaps the lesson is that we don't have control of alot of things that happen in our lives. We do our best, and we hope for a good outcome...but even doing our best isn't always good enough in our own eyes...and you just can't control that.

I feel so bad you are going through this again. As Moonbeam and Cheryl say, If I could take the pain away I'd do it in a heartbeat...for you and everyone on this website. Just know we all understand and are here for you.

...and no matter how many times, you go through this...it will always be difficult. If it wasn't difficult, God would not have picked Barney for you...you see you were selected...not selected to be in pain, but selected to be the gaurdian of Barney (just as Calloway and Brando) because he knew no one else could do it better. I don't like to bring religion into posts, because not everyone believes the same thing and it is not my agenda to push anything on anyone. I am not a practicing Christian, but I do believe that something is out there watching over us, and I know that something (for me it's God) is watching out for you and your husband even if it doesn't feel that way right now. You are not alone.

Many hugs,
Sonya

[janika]

Dear Rhapsedy


I am so very sad that you are suffering once more over the loss of another precious dog. I couldn't believe it when I saw your posting. I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner, but many good friends old and new have responded to you and I add my sincere heartfelt condolences for the sad loss of dear Barney.

You must not feel guilty, dear Rhapsedy. Sadly some things are just beyond our control, and you love all your fur kids so much that you will have done your utmost for each and every one of them. We all feel guilt, I know, it's inevitable when we lose our beloved fur companions, no matter what the cause or reason.
Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and hugs

Jan and my Angels and Pixie xx

[Rhapsedy]

Picture of Barney. Barney is the white and black dog, the black dog is Shadow.

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[Juturna]

Dear Rhapsedy,

As Moom_beam, Cheryl and Sonya said, I wish that I could take away your pain and guilt. Your Barney is soooo beautiful and I know his spirit shines. He would want you to be gentle with yourself.

I believe that when it is our time to pass on to our next life, it will take place one way or another. You gave your precious Barney the priceless gift of 4 loving years. It was time for his physical journey with you to end and for a spiritual one to begin. This timing is not something we can necessarily control, though the pain is enormous. As Moon_bean so eloquently wrote, it is a lesson in embracing his sweet loving spirit and feeling his love eternally.

With peace, hugs and healing thoughts,
Juturna

[JoanneL]

Hello Rhapsody,

I was not here when you lost your other dogs and was on vacation when you first posted the loss of Barney. I don't think any of us would have made a different decision then what you did. You had expert advice and you took the cautious approach. I want to add my support and offer condolences on your loss. The losses do add up and I believe you relive the other losses in your life each time you experience the loss of someone you love. I have briefly felt the way you said you felt at not wanting to wake up but hopefully that feeling has passed and won't visit you again. The pain of grief can become so intense that we don't think we can stand it another minute. You will get through this with time and support.

I have written that I could not make it without this forum and you already know how many people here care about you so I hope you will keep posting to try to work through some of your anger and grief.

[Brutus]

Adorable picture Rhapsedy, I hope you are doing okay.

Hugs,
Sonya

[Rhapsedy]

You are all so wonderful! You all have said such wonderful things and I am so thankful that I have all of you to help me through this. I've said it before, but I truly don't know how I would make it thru this without this website.

Today I have let go of the guilt of the decision to wait on the surgery and can't let go of the thought that I am at fault because he ate the insulation. I should have been much more careful and made sure that he couldn't get into it. The thing I was worried about was asbestos and my husband assured me that our insulation did not have that. This is the kind of insulation that you blow into an area, it's not the kind that is compacted into squares, it was everywhere! Once my husband was done tearing up the ceiling he put the insulation in big garbage bags so he could haul it away. But I bet while he was tearing up the ceiling he was getting into it, I wasn't here at the time so I couldn't keep an eye on Barney. I wish I could stop thinking about this but it consumes my thoughts. I'm trying to live in the moment like my counselor advises but I can't! This could have been prevented and it's killing me knowing that if we would have been more careful he would still be here. My heart is completely broken.

It really does help to express my feelings on here and to have the support from all of you, thank you so much.

Love,
Rhapsedy

P.S. I did get one last bite from Barney two days before he died. I went to pet him while he was sleeping and I startled him and he bit my thumb. Even with all his faults, the biting being the biggest one, I loved him with all my heart. He was one-of-a-kind and it is very boring in this house without him.

I love and miss you so much Barney!

[moon_beam]

Hi, Rhapsedy, thank you so much for sharing with us a picture of your wonderful Barney. He is such a good looking fellow, and he looks very happy, as well he should be.

"Today I have let go of the guilt of the decision to wait on the surgery and can't let go of the thought that I am at fault because he ate the insulation. . . Once my husband was done tearing up the ceiling he put the insulation in big garbage bags so he could haul it away. But I bet while he was tearing up the ceiling he was getting into it, I wasn't here at the time so I couldn't keep an eye on Barney."

Rhapsedy, progress however slow is still progress. It is good to read that you are beginning to find some peace about not rushing Barney into surgery. I hope that you can now begin to reconcile the possibility that Barney may have gotten into the insulation. As I have re-read your original post I do have to question if insulation was the ultimate problem since two months had gone by without him exhibiting any symptoms. I would think that an intestinal blockage caused by insulation would certainly have caused more immediate symptoms - - not waiting two months. Since you were not home when your husband was tearing up the ceiling, there is no way you could know for a certainty that he actually did get into the insulation nor were you able to supervise Barney from getting into mischief. This simply is not your fault - - you weren't even home at the time. Hopefully in time you will be able to find some peace in your heart about not being home to supervise Barney - - and I know this is going to take a lot of time to reconcile.

Rhapsedy, I do know how empty your heart and home are feeling. I wish with all my heart I had the power to turn back the hands of time for you so that your precious Barney would still be with you healthy and happy. But regrettably I do not have that power. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest friendship in the hope that it will bring some comfort to your broken heart. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rhapsedy, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Rhapsedy]

Trying to fight the guilt and doing better for the moment. I know this will take time and I will have ups and downs. Thank you to everyone that responded to my post... I have printed your responses so I can refer to them when my guilt kicks in.

Pic of my one and only dog Oliver... another rescue.

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[Juturna]

Dear Rapsedy,

Thank you for posting the pic of Oliver. He is sooo adorable!

The guilt is very difficult. It can be haunting. I was glad to learn that you had some relief.

Hope you have a peaceful night.
With gratitude and serenity,
Juturna