Sudden Death Of My Little Girl Options

[JoanneL]

Unfortunately not sleeping any better. I just can't shake off the intense feeling of loss. I have better moments during the day when I am busy but still get shocked all over again when I remember Zoe is gone.
We have to get a smaller crate for the new puppy who will be joining us next month. I asked my husband to exchange Zoe's larger one for a smaller one with a divider. I can't even begin to face that task. The PetSmart near us is wonderful about exchanging things when the dogs outgrow them. It could never occured to me that we would have to exchange a crate due to a death.
Somehow I have been getting through the days one at a time. The first week I really was not sure I would ever get out of bed or go out of the house again. There are just things we have to push through in order to survive them. I spent most of my career caring for the dying and counseling their families. Really hard to take my own advice when it comes to the loss of my little dog.
Well, got to try to go to sleep so I can get up and go to work in the morning. Forecast for snow, ice, rain again this Sat. We were supposed to meet the new puppy but weather may not permit it.
Have a good night and good day tomorrow, if possible.
Joanne

[Juturna]

Hi Joanne,

I'm sorry that sleep continues to be difficult for you. (It is for me, too.) This loss process truely is a one day at a time experience. I'm glad that you notice the progress from the first week. And just because we may work in the field of helping others through grief, this does not make our own loss any easier or less painful. Please be gentle with yourself.

With peace and healing thoughts,
Juturna

[moon_beam]

Hi, Joanne, what is that saying "doctors make the worst patients" - - I think this applies for anyone who is in the medical / counseling / health care provider profession. It is much easier to give comfort for we are reaching beyond ourselves. When we are in situations of needing comfort, we are telling ourselves on some intellectual level that we "should be" feeling a certain way or "should not be" feeling a certain way - - because after all we "should know" how to cope since we "know" all this psychological "stuff" - - right??!!?? Well, as Juturna has so comfortingly said in her response, "just because we may work in the field of helping others through grief, this does not make our own loss any easier or less painful. Please be gentle with yourself." And I wish to offer my total support of her wise counsel.

I'm glad PetsMart is good about accepting things you return. About two months before my Oslo joined the angels - - at which time I was not expecting him to - - I went to PetsMart to stock up on his food so that I wouldn't have to drive into the city if the weather turned bad for Thanksgiving through December. Oslo joined the angels on November 29, 2009, and I had 5 cases of his food - - one I had just opened the night before he had his stroke to have a can ready for Sunday morning's breakfast - - never used it. The PetsMart in the city caught fire because of arson from one of the employees, so the store was closed until just before the last of December 2009. Usually there is a 30 day return window, but I wasn't able to get back into the city until after the New Year - - the first or second week of January 2010. I thought I would be able to make it through returning his food and treats, but before I was able to say two words to the manager I broke down into gut wrenching sobbing. I eventually was able to tell the manager what happened and why I was returning the food and treats, and I had my receipt from the purchase. The manager was so compassionate there was no problem returning the items, and I used the refunded money to buy supplies for Noah and Abbygayle. I hope the exchange for the crates will go smoothly for your husband.

Joanne, I hope the weather is not as dreadful in your location this weekend as it is being forecasted to be, and hopefully you'll still be able to go see your new little furchild. I know your precious Zoe is proud of you for offering a loving home to another little fur child. Just be reassured that Kasper will have his own place in your heart and home - - and Zoe knows she is forever a part of you.

Joanne, I hope you will have a peaceful and safe weekend. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[JoanneL]

Apparently PetSmart changed their policy. They would not exchange the crate for a smaller one that would be better for a puppy. We have a divider for the crate we have and we can see if that will still be too big for a small puppy. I am making a list of the things we need before we bring Kasper home in March.
Have not decided definitely but think we will wait until next weekend to meet Kasper. With Super Bowl this Sun I think my husband would rather stay home. Weather is not supposed to be icy but raining much of the day tomorrow. This Sun and next should be cold but with sun.
Still crying in the car on the way to and from work. One of our friends has been away and offered condolences on Zoe's death and of course I started to cry again. I do not remember crying this much for any humans in our family. I guess because Zoe lived with us and spent her time with me every evening after work. I really miss her kisses and being able to hug and pet her. I love being with Zack but I had always had the 2 of them together.
Well, I know this can only be done one day at a time and one night at a time.
Thank you all again for continued support and sharing.
Joanne

[moon_beam]

Hi, Joanne, I'm sorry PetsMart wouldn't accept the trade for a smaller crate. Sounds like you're getting "organized" for your new furchild. I can imagine how torn your heart is feeling - - grieving for the physical loss of your precious Zoe while another part of you is anticipating a family member.

Joanne, clinical professionals are recognizing that the grief of loss of a beloved companion is as bad as, if not worse than, the loss of a human family member or friend. The reason for this is because our beloved companions give to us their undivided attention and unconditional love, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them without reservation. We only experience this with our beloved companons, which is why our grief for them when they join the angels is indeed more intense than what we feel with a human family member or friend. Why? Because with our human family members and friends there are "expectations" in our relationships, hopes, dreams, needs, - - which no one person can share with us. Our beloved companions, however, touch our very spirit - - they look beyond our "humanness" and bond with our heart and soul. There are no "expectations" with our beloved companions - - we can enjoy each other just for the sheer joy. So what you are feeling is normal, Joanne. This does not lessen the deep love and devotion we share with our human family members and friends - - it just means that it's on a different level.

I hope you and your husband will have a peaceful weekend, Joanne, and that the weather next weekend will cooperate for you to visit with Kasper. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how things are going whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[JoanneL]

Again, thank you Moon-Beam. I decided we had done enough driving yesterday so we will try to meet Kasper next Sunday. We were not too far from the breeder yesterday for my daughter's birthday celebration but the weather was awful. Today is a bright, sunny day but also Super Bowl Sunday. I had to give my husband a day to relax and enjoy football without meeting our new baby. Zack and Zoe always watched the games with him and I know he misses her every day. I still can't think about her without crying because I miss her so much. I just keep hoping for the day when I can think of her without tears. She just died way too soon for me. I really thought she would be with us for many years to come but we had no control over the accident that took her from us. I am now very protective of Zack and he still gets into mischief when we take our eyes off of him.
Thanks to all of you for being here. I could not make it without you.

[Juturna]

Dear Joanne,

It is totally understandable that you can not think of your precious Zoe without tears. I join you in this grief journey. And as Moon_ beam so eloquently stated, the grief from loosing an animal companion can be just as awful, if not worse, than loosing a human family member. For me, the grief has been more intense in the passing of my dogs, than in human family loss. Also, our society expects us and allows us time off for grieving with human losses. With my present loss of my beautiful Victoria, I did not have one day off work. I suspect you did not have much time off to grieve either.

Hope the rest of your day and evening is peaceful.
With serenity and healing thoughts,
Juturna

[moon_beam]

Hi, Joanne, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. For different reasons I do understand how very hard it is to reconcile a loss when it is a result of a tragic event. Hopefully iin time you will be able to think of your precious Zoe focused on the wonderful memories you have of her earthly journey with you, but this will take time, Joanne - - one day at a time.

It is perfectly normal to become protective of Zack, even though Zack may not always appreciate it as it sounds that may be the case since he still manages to get into mischief. I can just see Zack settled on the sofa next to your husband intently watching each snap of the ball, each pass, each touchdown - - and growling at every interception and fumble.

Joanne, I hope today will be a good day for you, your husband, Zack, and all of your family. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[JoanneL]

Today is 4 weeks since Zoe was killed. I can't imagine how I have gotten through the days without her. But your support has made such a difference. I have told other people about this site in the last few weeks when they have lost their pets. Just wanted to come to this place to share as I do almost every day. As I said yesterday it is the one place I can say how I am feeling and be understood.
I still can't talk to people about Zoe without crying and that makes them uncomfortable. Most people don't know how to respond to a crying friend. I do believe that people who are not animal lovers or who have never lost a pet think we should "move on" and "get over it". Those of us who are here know it is not that easy. The house just seems so empty without her. Even with Zack here it is much quieter.
I think Kasper will liven things up but no one will ever replace Zoe. He will be a new companion in his own right. He will bring his own personality to our home and I will have to get advice on how to handle Zack with the new puppy. I have spoken briefly to our vet and done some reading but will see the vet for a new puppy check just after we bring Kasper home.
Hoping you all a good day or night depending where you are when you read this.

[Juturna]

Dear Joanne,

Four weeks is not that long in terms of grieving the loss of a being as precious as your little Zoe. One of my friends told me that she cried daily for 6 months following the sudden death of her beloved dog. Grief does not have a specific time line. If you give yourself permission to cry, which it sounds like you are, the tears will eventually wash away the pain.

Our animal companions bring us unconditional love. Our bond with them is unlike any human bond, and loss of this takes time to heal.

Hope you have a peaceful night.
With serenity and healing thoughts,
Juturna

[moon_beam]

Hi, Joanne, just stopping by to see how you're doing, and am so glad for Juturna's compassionate and eloquent note to you. She has said everything so well, and I just want to affirm to you that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you have a peaceful night, and I will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[JoanneL]

By the date it will be one month tomorrow-the 10th since Zoe was killed.

I have so many mixed emotions. I am angry at times that she was able to get loose and run in front of that car. I still cry every day and miss her so much. I still feel the unfairness of the tragic accident that took her away from her family. She should have had many more happy years with us and we with her.

I keep asking why she is gone. There are no answers. There is still a large empty place in my life where she used to be. I am not yet at a place where I can replace that with the memory of her or knowing she is in a beautiful place. I still want her here with me.

Thank you all for your support. This is a journey we all have to walk for ourselves but it helps to have friends along the way.

[Juturna]

Dear Joanne,

Each day is a struggle when the wounds of lossing one as precious and young as Zoe are felt. There seems to be no explanation for a sudden loss so great.

I totally understand and relate to the emptiness having lost my beautiful Victoria only a couple weeks ago. And feeling all the anger and sadness is part of this grief journey. I'm glad that you are sharing it with us.

Please know that I'm sending you healing thoughts.
With peace and prayers,
Juturna

[moon_beam]

"I am not yet at a place where I can replace that with the memory of her or knowing she is in a beautiful place."


Hi, Joanne, anniversaries are so very hard as they are blatant reminders that our beloved companions are no longer physically with us. And when the reason is because of a tragic event the loss feels deeper and unconsolable. "Why" is a question that just doesn't ever seem to have any adequate answers. All the rationalizing in the world cannot answer the deepest void that is in our hearts - - the physical absence of our beloved companions, or a human loved one be they a family member or friend.

No matter how much time passes, Joanne, our hearts will always want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more - - lifetime - - with our beloved companions. The good news is that, with time, the deep grief does ease so that we can remember our precious babies with a smile in our hearts filled with the warmth of their sweet Living Spirits. This is what they want for us, Joanne, but it takes time to reach this point as we travel our grief adjustment journey. And this is what it is - - adjusting our lives in a way that will honor the unconditional love and undivided attention we are privileged to have during our beloved companions earthly journey with us and the eternal love we share with them as we continue our earthly journey in honor of their physical life with us.

As Juturna has so compassionately shared with you, so I wish to echo her words to you: I, too, am glad you are sharing your grief journey with us. I hope and pray you feel comforted by our individual and collective responses to you, that you feel each of us reaching out to you across the cyber miles sitting next to you, holding your hands, and finding encouragement, strength, and hope knowing that we are with you, beside you, and always on your side through every step of your journey.

Joanne, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[JoanneL]

Thanks to you both. Moon-Beam I was worried when I did not see a post from you yesterday. Hope you are OK.
I think today was easier than expected because the date does not matter to me at this point. Every day is hard. Monday was 4 weeks and that was harder than the calendar date fo the "10th". I have been crying a little less the last couple of days and starting to look forward to meeting Kasper this Sunday. He does not come to live with us until March 13th but at least he will be more than a picture on the computer after Sunday.
I still have to remind myself not to call Zack and Zoe as one word. They were always together and when we called one, we called both. Almost like one name. Now it is just Zack but he is a love and I am so grateful to still have him.
One more day I have made it through without my little girl.

[Juturna]

Dear Joanne,

Yes, everyday can be difficult in the grief journey for now. It is a struggle when we miss our precious companions so enormously. I trust that there must be some lesson to be learned from all this heartache and work.

I'm glad that you are looking forward to meeting Kasper this weekend. And your gratitude in having Zach is powerful. I believe Zoe wants you to be grateful.

Please know that I'm sending you healing thoughts.
With peace and serenity,
Juturna

[moon_beam]

Hi, Joanne, yes - - I am okay -- recuperating is more like it from all of the rearranging of furniture and having the security system updated yesterday. I am very thankful today is Friday and I am home from work for the weekend with my little Noah snuggled beside me. This weekend will definitely be very very very low key for me.

I can so relate to your "twin" calling of Zoe and Zack. My Noah was inseparable from his big adopted kitty brother, Eli, and his beautiful baby sister Abbygayle. So, normally when I called for Noah for whatever reason I was also calling at least one other name as well. Eli has been with the angels since December 2006, and Abbygayle almost 11 months - - and there are times when I call Noah I also find myself calling either Eli's or Abbygayle's name as well. As I get older I truly believe this happens because our beloved angel furkids still enjoy hearing their names called and so something somewhere sometime - - for no apparent reason to us - - we find ourselves calling the names of our angel furkids. When I still look outside in the yard I find myself still looking for my precious Oslo to make sure he's okay. Our beloved companions are truly forever a part of us.

I'm glad you are looking forward to meeting your new furchild Kasper this weekend. It is important for him to imprint on you as quickly as possible, and vice versa. March 13 is only a month away -- 4 weeks - - 30 days. Just remember that your precious Zoe is forever with you and will be right beside you helping you nuture your new family member. I will look forward to knowing how things go with your "meet and greet" with Kasper on Sunday whenever you're up to sharing.

Joanne, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you will have a peaceful evening warmed by Zack's sweet loving presence and your precious Zoe's sweet Living Spirit.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[JoanneL]

Again thank you, moon-beam. Glad you are OK. I have come to expect to see your name on the posts every night when I log on. Strange how we come to rely on each other in so short a period of time and under these circumstances.

I think I come here last thing in the evening because that is now when it is hardest to accept that Zoe is gone. Getting ready for bed and winding down after the busy day. I used to cry off and on all day but lately it is more in the evening. I know when I come here, I can sit in a darkened room at my computer and share, read about other losses and cry by myself. I still look for her to come to get her treat, go out for the last time at night and get ready for bed. It still hurts so much when I realize again that she is not here. I have never had such a hard time with the loss of a furry companion. I think I have said before that I never lost a pet who was young and healthy. In the past I knew that their loss was due to age and illness and they were no longer suffering. This time was so different.

It is getting easier to concentrate on my job when I am at work. I don't start crying now whenever I have a moment to let my mind wander to Zoe. I guess that is progress. I just wish I could rewind the clock and have her take that morning walk a few minutes earlier or later. Unfortunately we don't have the power to change history and she is still gone.
Well, enough said for tonight. I am getting nervous and excited about taking on another baby. Housebreaking, getting up at night, puppy food for Kasper and dog food for Zack, etc. All the joys and frustrations of being new parents again and we are not young parents. At least my husband is now retired and will be home with the furchildren all day while I slave away at work.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Joanne, just now being able to get caught up on how you're doing. Progress, however slow is still progress, and being able to get some of our concentration back is certainly a step in the right direction. It is an indication that the deep grief is easing a bit, and this is one of many things that our beloved companions want for us - - for they want us to continue our earthly journey unburdened by grief and sorrow - - so that we can embrace the cherished memories we have of them and that we can feel their sweet Living Spirit continue to share our daily lives just as they always have and always will.

This grief journey is filled with so many different emotions from one day to the next, sometimes from one moment to the next. I do so understand what you mean about the evenings being hard, for the evenings are our opportunities to re-bond with our precious companions after a day's activities, and I am so glad you know I am here for you, along with all our other wonderful friends on this forum.

I'm wondering how your visit with Kasper went today. I know the "expectant mom" feeling so well - - as I experienced this when I was "waiting" for word from Guiding Eyes for the Blind about an adoption. It gave me a purpose to continue the project of finishing off the basement living quarters, and I knew my precious angel Samson was advocating on both Oslo's and my behalf for us to be together. And I know your precious Zoe is also actively participating in bringing you and Kasper together. Will Zack be going with you today to meet his little brother, too?

Joanne, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I am looking forward to knowing how you're doing and how your visit with Kasper went whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[JoanneL]

To answer your question, moon-beam, we did not take Zack with us. Don't think that would have worked out well. The breeder has many dogs of her own. We were able to meet the entire litter and, of course, I fell in love with one of Kaspers brothers also. The last time that happened I ended up with 2 babies but not this time. We can't take on 2 puppies at this time. My daugher and her family were with us and I tried to convince them to take the brother but did not happen.

Kasper is so cute and sweet and I fell in love immediately. I think I mentioned that this is the same breeder who produced our wonderful Zack and Zoe but different parents this time. I cried as soon as we got there thinking back to that happy time when we first saw Zack and Zoe at 4 weeks old and picked them up at 8 weeks. The breeder was very supportive and sweet. We had a nice long visit but in a different room than we had been in with Zoe.

I am so missing my sweet Zoe tonight. Just writing this to you I am crying again and I have hardly cried at all today. I wish she would walk into the room now and see me at the computer. Will it ever get easier not to have her here with me? I know you say it will but I can't feel that yet.

Need to get to bed so I can try to be awake at work tomorrow.

Happy Valentine's Day to all my L-S friends!