Sudden Death Of My Little Girl Options

[JoanneL]

Thanks so much to you all for your support.

The cortisone shot helped with the swelling in the front of the knee but it is still aching and very stiff in the back of the knee. Probably a Baker's cyst which is common with arthritis. Giving me a fit.

Tomorrow will be 12 weeks since Zoe was killed. Things are better but I still do miss her every day. I cry less often but will get these feelings of overwhelming sadness and then remember why. I certainly am no where near the
stage of acceptance. Don't think I will ever accept that in one second she was gone.

Still watching Zack try to sort things out with Kasper. I know that could take a long time. When things get too much for us we give Kasper a time out in his crate so he and Zack can take a breather from each other.

Even though I am not here every day I think about all of you and wish you peace and for all of us eventually, acceptance.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Joanne, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I truly believe with all my heart that we will NEVER be able to "accept" the physical absence of our beloved companions, but rather the goal of this grief journey is one of "adjustment." Zoe is not "lost" to you, for as long as you hold her close in your heart and memories she is forever with you - - she is always a heartbeat close to you. I know it's a matter of perception, Joanne, and I do know - - oh so well - - how hard it is to find any comfort when our heart is deeply shattered. When we focus on our beloved companions physical death, it can take the joy out of our heart for the privilege of having shared their earthly journey with us. This is not what our beloved companions want for us. So, in order to overcome the deepest sorrow our hearts will ever know on this side of eternity, it helps to focus on the eternal love bond that we share - - always and forever - - with our companions - - which keeps their sweet Living Spirit close to us - - always a heartbeat close to us - - eternally alive. And hopefully, as the the deep grief eases, we are able to come to know that "adjustment" supercedes "acceptance" in knowing that our beloved companions are truly forever with us just as they always have been and always will be.

I do know this is more easily said than done, and some days are easier to manage than others. I hope one day you will be able to know, and feel, your precious Zoe's sweet Living Spirit with you, and then you will know she is always with you continuing to share your earthly journey just as she always has and always will.

I hope your knee begins to feel better, Joanne. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Juturna]

Hi Joanne,

Hope your knee is beginning to improve.

Missing your precious Zoe is understandable and I share your pain. I'm glad the tears have diminished some, though that does not mean you miss her any less. Please know that as bright a star as little Kasper is, he will never replace your Zoe.

Hope you have a peaceful weekend,
With peace and gratitude,
Juturna

[JoanneL]

I am still here. Just don't have much time to post anymore. Between work and day to day activities and having a new "baby" the days are not long enough. Baby is getting bigger. Zack tolerates him some of the time and he idolizes Zack. My knee is better but not back to normal.

I try to read some of the posts of the other people on this journey of trying to live without our beloved companions who have left this earth. Every story brings tears to my eyes as I can feel the tremendous pain each person is experiencing.
I was able to look at some puppy pics of Zoe today without becoming totally hysterical. I do not think a day has gone by since she died that I have not cried at some point. She was just such a loving companion. I just have not figured out how to get passed the teary times. Sometimes Zack looks so sad I wonder if he can remember her and if he is missing her too. That only makes it harder for me. He still sleeps on her blanket several nights a week. They had just never been apart from the time they were born. That must be so hard. I don't think we really know what animals remember or are thinking. I just try to give him extra helpings of loving. I hope when Kasper gets a little bigger he may play with him instead of trying to teach him who the boss is every day.

Saying good night to all of my friends here. Got to get some sleep.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Joanne, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. Yes, your precious Zack does remember his sister, and I can so relate to what you're feeling and going through, as my little Noah has seen three of his fur family members leave him to join the angels. It has now been 13 months and two days since his beautiful baby sister Abbygayle joined the angels. Every once in awhile he will still get this very sad expression on his face and bow his head, and I know he is remembering better times when he had adopted brothers and his sibling baby sister to play and snuggle with. Our companions do grieve for their family members. You are doing the very best you can, Joanne, by giving him extra loving. The both of you remember a "better time", and Zack also understands the emptiness you are feeling in your heart. And rest assured in time Zack and Kasper will sort things out between them. It may just be too soon for Zack to embrace another housemate. Remember that everyone grieves differently, and this includes our furkids, too.

I'm glad your knee is feeling better, and hopefully each day is better than before. Thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing, Joanne. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how things are going whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Juturna]

Hi Joanne,

I'm glad your knee is improving.

It is Ok that your tears are present still every day. That just means that there is more pain and grief that needs to be shed. I can so relate to your pain. And it is beautiful that you can empathize with others' stories.

Giving little Zack extra loving sounds so nurturing. He must adore it.

With peace and gratitude,
Juturna

[JoanneL]

Stoppping by to check in. Thank you, as always, Juturna for you support.

I am having some pretty good days with respect to the grief over Zoe's death but this past weekend I was really down in the dumps again. I love my new puppy, Kasper, and of course Zack but...I just still have my times where I still can't believe Zoe is gone. Seems like I would be getting past that by now.
I know there is no time table for grief. I did grief work with humans over the loss of humans for most of my career but this is different. I just keep hoping time will make this pain better. I still get so angry about the accident that took her from me. Just being able to come here and write about it is a big help.

thanks for listening.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Joanne, patience is much easier when it is being given to others, but sometimes very hard to offer ourselves when we think we "should be" doing "better." I know what you mean about feeling angry about what happened to your precious Zoe. A traumatic event takes a lot of time to work through, my friend, and I do mean a LOT of time. I am so sorry you're having to deal with this, Joanne.

I'm wondering how your knee and back are doing. I hope you are feeling better now. Are you still in outpatient physical therapy?

Joanne, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I hope these days are treating you kindly. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend, and look forward to knowing how things are going whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[allan]

Hello Joanne

Glad to hear the grief is subsiding slowly but surely and you have found love for another puppy. I know people respond to these situations differently, some even keep the ashes in a keepsake of one kind or another. All in all, we're only human and part of that is feeling the goodness and at times the sadness. What it shows me is you are a person with a heart.

kind regards

[JoanneL]

Thanks Allan for your response.

I have been too tired at night to go online very often. I have to work tomorrow so I only have a few minutes before I have to get to bed.

Want to wish all of my Mom friends here a peaceful and loving Mother's Day. I know we will all miss the babies who have left us.

Things continue to slowly improve but there are still days when I miss Zoe so much I can't stand it. Zack and Kasper are adorable and precious babies but as we know, each of our furry children is unique. I still look forward to the day that Zack accepts Kasper as a member of our family but that is not here yet. There was never a question with Zoe and Zack because they were born together and never apart. Life is very different now.

So glad that I have all of you in my life and we can be here to support each other.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Joanne, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. One of the hardest things during this "adjustment" journey is knowing that things used to be different, and that different used to be better - - because our beloved companion who is now with the angels was physically with us. I wish our beloved companions who are still physically with us could talk to us in a common language so that they could share with us what is on their mind and in their heart - - like I wish your precious Zack could tell you what he honestly thinks about his adopted little brother Kasper. Just keep telling your precious Zack that you know Kasper will never be able to replace Zoe - and isn't meant to replace Zoe -- but that he can be a source of comfort and joy.

Joanne, I hope you're feeling okay with your back and your knee. Please know you are frequently in my thoughts and prayers, my friend, and look forward to knowing how your doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[JoanneL]

Four months today without Zoe. I am glad that time is moving on but still so sad that she is not here to enjoy the beautiful weather and run around in our yard with her brother.

I did not go to work today due to my chronic pain. I have been resting all day and feel better just being away from work for a day. I needed to stop here today to share with my bereaved friends on the 4 month anniversary of Zoe's death. I know I can come here to cry and no one will think it odd. I have said before that there are no human I know who would understand still grieving for a dog this long but they don't understand the relationship between humans and pets. She was our little girl, even though we both have human children and grandchildren. This is different. Dogs give total unconditional love and don't ask for much in return. I still miss her morning and evening kisses and her sweet face.

We love Zack and Kasper, as I have said before, but no one can ever replace the one that is lost.
Thinking of all of you even though I don't get by here as often as I did in the past.

Joanne

[moon_beam]

Hi, Joanne, the "angel-versaries" are hard because they are yet another reminder that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us. And when you're in physical pain it makes the physical absence of our beloved companions even harder to bear - - as they always helped to make things "better".

Today is another step forward in your grief adjustment journey - - and another day of keeping your precious Zoe close to you in your heart and memories - - of keeping her always a heartbeat close to you. I know the memories are still difficult to remember with a happy heart, but today is another day closer to when the time will come when your heart will know joy again in remembering your precious Zoe - - and fondly recalling her gleeful play in the garden. Maybe someday you will even be able to close your eyes and joyfully see her once again in your heart and memories.

We are here for you, Joanne, to share with you the better days, the not so good days, and the totally horrible days. I hope you are feeling better this evening, my friend. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[JoanneL]

Thanks Moon_beam

I can always count on you to be out there for me. Off of work today so I am able to stop by to say "hello". Nothing much new with me. Zack and Kasper still trying to work things out. I still wake up in the morning and go to bed at night thinking of Zoe. Never thought it would take this long to begin to accept her death.

[Cheryl83]

I still wake up in the morning and go to bed at night thinking of Zoe. Never thought it would take this long to begin to accept her death.

Hi Joanne,

Four months is not a "long" time compared to the time you shared with your precious Zoe. You're still very early on in your grieving journey, so it's no surprise that you still feel so sad. Still waking up and going to bed with thoughts of your Zoe is not a bad thing. It's been a year since I lost my Daisy and I STILL think of her when I wake up, throughout the day, and before I go to sleep. But I am thankful for these thoughts and memories as it helps to keep our loved ones alive, until it's our time to be reunited with them again. Your Zoe is always with you.

Take care,
Cheryl xx

[moon_beam]

Hi, Joanne, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I have a clue for you about this grief adjustment journey - - you NEVER "get used to" the physical absence of a beloved companion. I still think about my Eli, Oslo, and Abbygayle - - and my fearless William Ferocious - - a brave little Tuxedo kitty I had when I was a little girl who died on Thanksgiving Day when I was 8 years old - - he was only about 2 or 3 years old. The goal of this grief journey is not one of "getting used to" but of "adjustment" to the "new normal" which is very challenging and painful - - both emotionally and physically. It can only happen one day at a time and only at our own individual pace. So, my friend, please put your mind and heart at peace - - you are doing just fine.

I'm glad you're having a chance to be home today, and hope it is being a peaceful day for you. How are your back and knee doing these days? I hope you are feeling better.

Joanne, thank you again so much for letting us know how you're doing. I hope you will have a peaceful evening tonight, my friend. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[JoanneL]

Hi Moon_beam

I had a few minutes to get on the computer tonight. I have to work tomorrow and tend to stay up too late on Fridays before I work Sat. I think I am still young enough to do my job with less sleep than I really need--not true anymore.
I have been dealing with my chronic pain issues recently but the knee is 99% better. I do believe that the stress of Zoe's death and the stress of my job are contributing to the pain.

Kasper is getting bigger. He is 4 months old now and Zack is still learning to tolerate him. Zack still spends most nights on our bed sleeping on Zoe's blanket. He still sniffs it every night. I can't believe her scent could still be there after 4 months but what do I know. Sometimes when he cuddles up with her blanket I start to cry again. On some level I know he still misses her and so do I.

I do accept and love Kasper for the adorable puppy he is and I am very grateful that he came into our lives but...still wish Zoe could be here too. If wishes were horses than.....

Anyway, wanted to stop by because I knew you would have answered my last post and you are still there for me. There are so many new people who have joined this circle of grief since my last visit only a few days ago. My heart goes out to all of them. It is so hard to lose someone you love this intensley and we here know that the loss of a furry person can cause as much pain as the loss of a human. Hope that made sense. Tired and going to sleep now but as always,
Wishing you a calm and peaceful weekend.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Joanne, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. I'm so glad your knee is doing so much better.

My Noah slept on his adopted big kitty brother's (Eli) comforter for close to 2.5 years before he finally "abandoned" it. And I waited several more weeks to make sure it was okay to wash it. So, Zack's behavior about Zoe's blanket is not unusual. Remember, our furkids' noses are more highly sensive to scents than ours, so Zack can still identify Zoe's scent. Zack will let you know when it's okay to change it / wash it. I do know how hard it is for you to see that Zack is still grieving for Zoe, but he is comforted by her blanket, and this is good. When I would find my Noah cuddled on Eli's comforter I would say to him, "Yes, Noah, your precious brother is here for you, and so am I. I love you, my little boy, and I am so proud of you. Pleasant dreams, my little one, my precious Noah." Eventually this helped to bring some comfort to my little Noah's heart, as well as letting him decide when he no longer needed Eli's comforter.

And yes, your observation makes all the sense in the world: " . . . we here know that the loss of a furry person can cause as much pain as the loss of a human." This is our refuge where we can come to share our brokenness for as long as we need to, where we can offer each other hope and comfort and encouragement - - where we do not have to put on the "public face" to satisfy the clueless and hostile "outside world" to our very real grief.

Joanne, I hope today is being kind to you, and I hope you will have a very peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[JoanneL]

Hi to Moon-Beam and all,

Haven't been on the computer much lately because I have been having neck and back pain. Just too tired to write. Kasper is growing and doing well. He is so cute and smart. Zack is still trying to "explain" who is the boss but Schnauzers are stubborn little ones.

I still cry when I have to drive down the street leading to our court, where Zoe was killed. There is no other way to get to my house. I just keep imagining how horrible it must have been for her and how quickly she was taken from us. It had made me a more nervous mom. I am always afraid something will happen to Zack or Kasper. Hoping eventually to relax a bit more and just enjoy them.

Thinking of all of you and wishing you peace and healing.

Joanne

[moon_beam]

Hi, Joanne, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I am so very s'orry you are having chronic back and neck pain. Chronic pain does have an adverse effect on the mind and spirit. I truly, truly do understand how you're feeling.

I also understand how you're feeling about Zack's and Kasper's safety. This is a part of the PTSD of losing your precoius Zoe so traumatically. Hopefully in time the anxiety you are now feeling will ease. I truly am very sorry you have no alternative route to your home to travel. Being constantly reminded of where your precious Zoe was physically taken from you is very traumatic. I know we had talked previously about you placing a little memorial at the site / or close to the site where the accident happened. This could be a plant or a little memorial plaque that fits close to the ground so that it would not be a negative reminder to your community but YOU would know as you passed the place - - a special memorial to your precious Zoe. I just wish there was some way you could do a "blessing" at the site - - something that might help to comfort your heart and spirit.

Joanne, thank you again so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. I do so know how some days are better than others, and how some days are still very much a challenge to endure the roller coaster of adjustment. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that each of us are here for you - - whenever you need us. I will look forward to knownig how things are going for you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam