My Best Friend..... Options

[Shannon Zitella]

I lost my best friend yesterday, her name is Princess. She was a beautiful black, grey, and brown kitty, she would of been 2 next month. I had no idea she was sick, and i hate myself for not knowing. I adored her. She was my world. I don't have friends, I am a homebody, and she was the only interaction I had and she was spoiled. I spent all my free time with her, when I had to leave, I was so excited to know I was coming home to her. I didn't look at her like a cat, but as my child. As apart of my family.

My cat got out one time in March, and in May had kittens. I loved those babies also like they were my own. It was so tough giving them up, and it made me appreciate my cat more. I should of got her fixed after that, but I didn't. I hate myself now for not doing it while I had a chance. I was so naive and figured "she will never get out, isn't that the point of spaying/neutering an animal?" Why was I so stupid!!?? Well, anyways, I noticed a few weeks ago my baby would lay in the closet or under the chair I sit on with the computer, and not in her regular spots, which I thought was kinda strange, but didn't think much of it. Then she stopped sleeping with me at night, and I noticed she was sleeping in the closet or next to my bed, but not on it. I should of known then something was wrong, but didn't think much of it because she was active, she ate normally, drank normally, used the potty, loved me, did everything normal.

Friday, the 5th, I noticed in the evening she was having... well.. (not trying to be so graphic.... but) discharge. It freaked me out, and I called my sister crying, asking her if she ever heard of this or if I should take her to the vet. She came right over, because she knew how much Princess meant to me. We went to the vet e.r., and they were so rude and unkind. They told me that they felt a lump in her belly, and asked if she had gotten out, because he thought it could be a deceased kitten. He said her x-rays would be over 300 bucks, and jumped into "if you get your cat euthanized, there is an additional charge to be in the room, an additional charge for cremation..." and it just felt like, to me, that he was a money-hungry moron that didn't care about my cat, and to go somewhere else. So I took my kitty the next morning to another vet, one my mother recommended. The woman felt my kittys belly, and knew something was wrong. She informed me of the possibilities of pyometra, or it could be as simple as an infection, but she needed x-rays. At least, if I'm paying 300 bucks for X-Rays, this woman was compassionate and kind, she cared about my kitty.

She brought me back into the x ray area and showed me my babys x rays. it looked awful, it was pyometra, and she informed me that my baby had this issue from the first time she went back into heat after having the kittens. She said an emergency surgery was the only way for survival, she was too far gone for medicine. She said they could not do the surgery, somewhere else would have to, because her office was closing and it would take too long for it. First they quoted me a price for 700, which turned into 800, which turned into 1200, which turned into about 1800 bucks. The doctor informed me that it was so bad, that she was "draining" from her uterus, and when the draining stopped, it would burst, she would become septic, and pass. She said that although she had this problem for some time, the severity it was, that she didn't have a week, much less a weekend. Once it bursts, thats it, and Princess had stopped draining that day.

I couldn't do it. I did not have the money. No one in my family had any sort of sympathy. I begged my sister and mother to help me, 'I will pay you back AND interest' I pleaded. They would not do the surgery without money in their hands. I hate myself for not fighting harder. I keep thinking about how I could of gotten this money. Why didn't I fight harder? I hate myself and it's killing me that I couldn't save her.

I had to put her to sleep. And I hate that the most. She was still physically healthy, at least to me. The doctor says she has been in pain all this time, all these months, but she seemed fine on the outside. Was she wrong? Could she have been wrong? And then my Princess, what was she thinking? If this was a child, I would of fought with everything in me for surgery, I would of sold my possessions, I would of given my everything, but I failed her. They asked me if I wanted to be in the room (and said the other clinic was cruel for wanting to charge for something like that) and I said "NO" because I couldn't see that. I wanted to remember my angel just like she was. I couldn't take her home either. I wanted to give her a burial, but I know myself and I would of looked at her in that box, and it would of messed me up.

I miss her so much. I feel like I have died inside, and I hate that I couldn't save her. I should of sold my car. I should of begged. I should of pleaded. I have been called vicious names because I couldn't do the surgery. "you shouldn't have an animal if you cant afford it".... it haunts me, and I haven't been able to sleep or eat. I can't stop seeing her, I... I lost my soulmate.

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[janika]

Dear Shannon

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious fur baby, Princess. Thanks for posting her photos, she is such a beautiful girl.
I know that nothing I write will ease your Heartache right now, but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and sending prayers for you and your Princess.

Pyometra is one nasty condition and there is no guarantee that surgery would have saved your sweet girl. Bless her she is suffering no more now and she knows how much you love and cherish her. Remember that she has enriched your life so much with her presence, and she would want that to continue. No way would our dear fur companions want us to suffer and to not be able to continue with our lives. This time just over a year ago I felt the same way though. I didn't know how I could carry on, I was so heartbroken. There will come a time when you will be able to think of your Princess, and feel 'Happy, warm thoughts'. But this could take some time. Please come back here whenever you need. This forum certainly helped me, and we would all like to hear how you are.

Hugs Jan and my Angels and Pixie x

[Cheryl83]

Oh, Shannon, I'm so very sorry for everything that you're going through

It's so very clear from your words that you love your beautiful kitty with all your heart, and that you would have done anything to help her ... if you could have. It's not your fault. Princess knows that you love her and she will not understand why you're feeling so guilty. She's in a better place now, and she's free from any suffering she might have been in. She's looking down at you, thinking, "Why are you sad, Mommy? It's great up here, I love it." And there she will wait for you until it's your appropriate time to be reuinted with her.

I know you miss her so very much. I know it hurts to even breathe. I know you think it will never get better. But trust me, it does. Not great, but better. Allow yourself time to grieve, time to cry, and time to heal. The most important thing is that you know you're not alone. Each one of us on this forum is here for you. Please write whenever you feel the need to, and whatever you feel the need to.

Take care of yourself... take things slowly.
Cheryl xx

[moon_beam]

Hi, Shannon, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Princess. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our beloved companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can once again be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

I know this doesn't help right now, but I wish to support your decision to let your precious Princess go home to the angels. Jan is so right that Pyometra is a very tenuous medical condition, particularly when it gets to such an advanced stage, and there was no guarantee that even with surgery your precious Princess would have survived - - she could very well have succumbed during the surgery. I know your heart is breaking, but I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that you really did make the very best decision for your beloved Princess.

I'm so glad that you were able to find a compassionate veterinary physician who was there for both you and your precious Princess, even though the outcome was not what you so desperately wanted. Guilt, unfortunately, is a part of this grief journey, and is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile. Although your baby girl was doing some things differently, she was still eating well, drinking water okay, using her litter box normally, loving you - - which are all the indicators that we go by to determine the health status of our beloved companions. We are not blessed with the gift of foreknowledge, Shannon, only the "wisdom" that comes with hindsight, and this is the basis of guilt - - when we look back and say "why didn't I," "if only I had", "if only I had not," and on and on and on. Hopefully in time, as Jan and Cheryl have already so poignantly shared, you will be able to know that your precious Princess' sweet Living Spirit is forever with you in your heart and your memories, and that she knows you love her with all your heart. She knows this because you made the most difficult -- and most unselfish - - decision for her - - you released her from her failing, painful physical body so that she can now be happy and healthy in the company of the angels where she is patiently waiting for your appropriate time to join her in eternal joy.

Shannon, I do understand the ache that is in your heart, the emotional and physical pain you are feeling not having the physical presence of your precious Princess with you. This grief journey is one of the hardest experiences we will have on this side of eternity. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. And it is a journey you will not have to travel alone, Shannon, for each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing these pictures of your beautiful Princess, Shannon, and thank you so much for sharing your baby girl with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Shannon Zitella]

Thank you all so much, from the bottom of my heart, for your words. You guys don't even know how much it helps to just read others stories, and hear someone tell you your not alone. I am so grateful for this forum.