Devastated & Don't Know How To Get Through It Options

[Peggy]

Hello, I'm Peggy... My famly has been my husband, daughter (10), me (stay at home mom) , and our boy Curly (standard poodle). Curly died yesterday (on his 7th birthday :-( after a sudden illness hit him 2 days earlier...... this was totally unexpected and has left us devastated. The extreme sadness, heartbreak, depression are beyond words and I don't know where to turn to get through this.

We chose curly as a play mate and a friend to grow up w/ our only child. I can still picture Katie as a toddler and Curly as a puppy jumping around her.....it was a match like you wouldn't believe. They were best buds. Every holiday, there is a picture of them cheek to cheeck, often matching hats, or her headbands on him..... he was so patient & loved the attention.

Fast fwd to this past week. Wed morning, I took him to the groomers. He had been having hip stiffness (the vet said normal for his size/breed) so getting him in the SUV, he couldn't make the jump & hit the bumper. I had to lift his butt in. All went went though & he came home happy & groomed. We noticed, however, a large (baseball size) lump on his hind leg. The vet saw him the next morning, xray'd it & said it was a tumor & referred us to a specialty clinic about 2 hrs away. My husband took him there within an hour or so .... My heart (i have an heart problem) was acting up, I was very nervous plus our daughter was home sick from school....so I stayed home. Husband (Charlie) called & said they can't operate till they "stabilize him". WHAT?? He seemed fine, it was just a lump. He said they found kidney stones and an intestinal blockage and and "something" maybe air pushing his stomach to the side. He was vomiting constantly. Surgery would be the next morning at 11. Next day they called us and said they couldn't do surgery because his heart was rapid (200), he was vomiting, still dehydrated despite IV's AND their worst suspicion was true that blood test or tumor fluid (not sure) showed mast cell cancer in his blood. His prognosis was grave & we'd have him a few months but he'd need IV meds & not be able to eat. WHAT HAPPENED to our boy who was fine a day earlier????? My husband Charlie said he refused to let him suffer & drove there and stayed with him while they euthanized him. The vet said if it was his dog it's what he would have done. My husband is grieving differently than me....he can't shake the experience of watching him die & a few details sticking in his mind. I feel intense guilt that, if I was there and heard every detail, maybe I could have asked questions (I'm an RN ), asked for a second opinion...etc. It seems way to fast to accept that a mast cell tumor killed him like this. It seems to me more like mast cells rushed into him & got him really sick but maybe it was from something else like an infection or injury.

How do I make sense of all this? I've been crying non stop & researching mast cell cancer (even though he's gone). WHY didn't we take 24 hrs more to research it? I feel so guilty. I see his little furry face in my mind. I picture him everywhere. I see his bed/food bowl. The thought I will never see him again is unbearable & unreal. Please tell me where to begin .

Peggy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Peggy, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Curly. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions on this side of eternity at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be released from their failing painful pysical body and restored to their fomrer youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Peggy, our compaions are very adept at disguising how they are feleing. This is a genetically inherited trait from their wild cousins. Any sign of illness, weakness, injury makes them vulnerable and easy prey. By the time they can no longer disguise how they are feeling the illness / injury has already taken a toll on their bodies. This of course is of little consolotion to us - - their caregivers. As a guardian of many furkids in my life, I do understand your shock as I have been there many times. It doesn't matter if it's cancer or chronic kidney failure, heart disease - - whatever the illness may be - - the shock of "how can this be" is very normal. Unfortunately cancer is a very incidious illness - - one that truly is "silent" until it literally explodes in the body. Once it becomes active there is very little that can stop it. So what appears to us be a sudden onset of illness is really only the obvious presentation of illness that has been overtaking our beloved companion's bodies for a period of time. Please let me try to reassure you that your husband made the very best decision for your beloved Curly. Having to make this decision is very similar to stopping life support for a human family member or friend. It is no less devastating and heartbreaking - - there is no greater love than putting the well being of a loved one - - whatever the life form - - first and foremost.

Peggy, this grief journey is a one day at a time journey, sometimes one moment at a time. Unfortunately there is no fast foreward or delete button you can press that can speed up the process or make it go away. It is a journey of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Curly, and it is a very painful adjustment both emotionally and physically. Clinical professionals now recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion is as painful as, if not more so, the physical loss of a human family member or friend. They also recognize that the grieving process is identical. So what you are feeling is very normal - - very painful, yes - - and very normal. Clinical professionals also recognize that children grieve differently from adults. There are some very excellent books that may help your daughter through her grief, and may also be of help to you and your husband.

Peggy, this grief journey is filled with many emotions - - ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds. It is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Unfortunately guilt is one of the emotions that comes along with this grief journey, and it is one of the hardest to reconcile. It is my sincerest hope that as your deep grief eases you will once again feel the confidence in your heart that you and your husband always did the very best you could for your beloved Curly with the information you had at the time. The love bond you share with your beloved Curly is eternal. It is not dependent upon the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Curly's sweet Living Spirit is forever with you in your heart and your memories - - he is forever a heartbeat close to you.

Peggy, I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss you are feeling. But I promise you that one day when you least expect it you will be thinking of your beloved Curly and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and your heart will fill with the warmth of the many treasured memories you and your beloved Curly shared during his earthly journey. This is what your beloved Curly wants for you, your husband, and your little girl.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Curly with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of him - - but only when / if you want to. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are never alone in this time of deep sadness. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, Peggy, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Peggy]

Thank you so much for your comforting response. I can't function today....eat, sleep...nothing. All I do is cry. His food is still in his bowl as he left it a few days ago.

Your words are like a life line of hope. You're a wonderful person to respond so kindly to those of us who are grieving.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Peggy

This is our beloved Curly's picture.

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[moon_beam]

Hi, Peggy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for the wonderful picture of your beloved Curly. I am so sorry today is a challenge for you. There will be days when you will be able to function, and then you'll find yourself feeling like you're falling apart at the seems. It's all a part of the "roller coaster" grief journey. We are here for you through every step of your journey, Peggy, and I promise you it will not always be like this.

I hope you will be able to have a peaceful evening. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, Peggy, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[xxForeverxx]

Hi Peggy

I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate to how you feel. I lost my baby boy Chewy on the 3rd of January when a dog viciously attacked him outside my house whilst he was playing. He was just three and a half. Problem is like you I feel it all happened so quick and I should have done more. We rushed him to the emergency vets on the Monday and by the Tuesday we had to let him go. Problem is you look back and think I was on auto mode....everything seemed unreal so you just go along with what is happening but really could I have pushed for them to do more? I also saw a vet tv show where a dog (mine was my cat) had been attacked by another dog and he had reconstructive surgery and they managed to fix him....should I have thought quicker and asked them if they could do that? Although my fiancé swears he asked the vet and the vet knew the best....it doesnt help much on the guilt front.

I do know that we shouldn't feel like this. We loved our babies more than anything in the world and if we could have we would have done more. This site has taught me a lot from a lot of amazing people. Keep coming here when your feeling down and although the grief journey will still be there it helps to be able to let it out to people who truly understand.

I hope you are being treated kindly today.

<3Forever<3

[gracelysprocket]

Hi Peggy,

Just like you, I lost my beloved companion just this week. I'm still reeling from the loss of my Percy, so I can completely relate to how you feel about losing your Curly. It definitely is hard. I never imagined that it would be like this. I still haven't cleaned up his food and everything else that he left behind because it feels as if I'm truly getting rid of him. It's so hard because we all loved our fur babies so much.

I know that I don't exactly have much to offer in terms of comfort, since I'm in the same boat as you, but I just wanted you to know that there are others out there who feel the same way as you.

Grace

[Peggy]

Thank you so much for you replies. I feel less alone. Hearing that these feelings are "normal" is comforting because it feels like it just shouldn't feel THIS bad....like it's just me feeling this way. And the crazy things no one else would understand like not being able to move his food bowl (w/ food in it yet) because it's too painful and real..... as though leaving it there keeps the fantasy of hope going....as though for that split second, I see it and life is normal and he's here . These thoughts would have seemed crazy to me if someone told them to me a week ago, but here I am feeling them. It's amazing how the mind works in dealing with such pain & guilt.

It's not everywhere you can admit something like this...... Today, I looked in his bed for some hair....any hair....to feel like I could see a hint of him again. That sounds "mental" but I guess that's what grief will do to you. :-( He was a poodle & didn't shed, so I had no luck anyway. I feel like I have nothing tangible to hold onto.

Then the waves of panic attack like feeling kick in when I think I'm NEVER going to see him again. Every now & then I get a thought of something like summer & the pool and how he swam with us. (never saw us without him) Then I feel like "OH MY GOD, how will I go in the pool again or ever sit in the yard?". It sounds so drastic and over the top. I try to tell myself to block out anything past right now, here and now, just get though this moment.

It is like a roller coaster. Thank goodness for you all. It's a God send to be able to log in and feel like I'm "talking" to people who understand.

Thank you SO MUCH.

Peggy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Peggy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're feeling. Please permit me to offer you encouragement that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Right now there are no decisions you HAVE to make about moving your beloved Curly's food dishes, putting away his beds, toys, etc.. The most important thing is for you to try to find positive ways to find comfort in your deep grief.

I can relate to how you're feeling about gong out in the yard and enjoying the pool. Although nothing is the "same" without your beloved Curly's physical presence, everything is the same because your beloved Curly's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will - - just differently. He is forever in your heart and your memories, Peggy - - he is forever and eternally a heartbeat close to you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Peggy, and that you will have a peaceful evening. Thank you again so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to sharing how things are going for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam