It Seems To Me That I Want, My HEALTHY wolf back! Options

[ladywolf]

Thanks again, Moon Beam, as always. You are a very special friend to me, too.

I'm feeling really funky today. Lonely and sad, lazy and dysfunctional, just not enjoying being awake today. I'm not aware of grieving, particularly, but maybe on some deep level, I am. It's been three weeks and a day since Ladywolf passed on, but it feels like a lot longer.

I'm affected by the weather too--hot and muggy, which is normal for Arizona when our first thunderheads of the summer begin to build up. This can go on for days before we get any rain--and I am like a finely-tuned human barometer--I really feel the pressure changes. When it DOES rain, it rains more than anywhere else I have ever lived. We can go from bone-dry to flooded in minutes--it's amazing!

Not a lot to report, really, except that I miss my Ladywolf!

Hugs from Margi and Spiritwolf

[soojung]

hi margi,
i've been wanting to leave you a few words of encouragement b/c it sounds like you've been going through a particularly hard time lately. so sorry to hear about the horrible weather over there--i find that weather has a HUGE effect on how i feel, way more than it does on most people it seems. are there any nearby air-conditioned businesses where you could hang out w/o having to buy anything, to escape the worst of it? i don't know, maybe it sounds funny, but i remember one heat wave where i finally just decided to hang out in the grocery store (this was before lucy came to live w/ me).

oh, & i also wanted to join the chorus of people telling you that your presence is most definitely needed here! it's already been invaluable to me.

take care,
soojung

p.s. will go check out your blog, good for you!

[Brutus]

Margi, I know that feeling....I have been there....just feeling totally useless, sometimes like nothing matters anymore. I've contemplated "Why?"....and there is no answer other than I think deep down we are always thinking of our furangels even when we don't realize it. They are always there in our minds....but remember always in our hearts too.

Love,
Brutus' Mom

[ladywolf]

Hi all--

MORE bad news in my circle. My closest friend and neighbor, Mark, has AIDS and is on the very last remaining regimen of meds there is for him to try. After these, there's nothing else. He looks remarkably well, but is really very very sick, and today he was TURNED DOWN for SSI Diability. How DARE they!? He is DYING. He can't work! What is WRONG with this country?!

This sure didn't help the funky mood around the neighborhood, I'll tell you. I want to go out and beat someone up or smash windows or something!! (I won't, of course.)

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Margi

[moon_beam]

Hi, Margi, I'm so sorry about your friend and neighbor Mark. It does seem like your neighborhood is going through a very dark time right now. You do live in a desert environment - - so I'm sure there are plenty of rocks to throw. My mom always used to tell me that when I felt angry about something I could not change to get a tin can and kick it around until I had no energy left. It didn't do anything to resolve the problem, but it did provide a positive outlet for frustration.

I know one thing for sure - - Mark has a good friend in you, and I know you will try to help him in any way you possibly can. Just remember to save some time and space for yourself, okay?

Margi, please know you are frequently in my thoughts and prayers throughout the day, and before I close my eyes for sleep at night. I hope and pray that gentle breezes will come to soothe your tired heart and spirit, and that you will feel the presence of your precious Spiritwolf always with you at all times and in all circumstances.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Cheryl83]

Oh, no - Margi, that's terrible news. I'm so sorry.

Maybe you need to get your neighborhood blessed or something, because of all the bad luck you've all been having. I hope Spiritwolf will come to you and give you the strengh you need to get through these trying times.

Thinking of you. Cheryl x

[ladywolf]

Thanks Moon Beam and Cheryl--

Well, the depression has finally arrived, big time. I think this last bit of news finally sent me off the deep end, because it does't just pertain to Mark specifically, but to how the government is dealing with poor folks who are struggling to stay alive, in general, including me. I was turned down for disability too, about three years ago, for ridiculous reasons, and I just gave up the fight. I'm not going to "let" Mark do that--I'm going to help fight for him.

But I guess the loss of everything is hitting me right now: my summer teaching job (and income), my possible college teaching job for the summer that didn't work out, any and all sense of financial security, the peace and quiet of my front porch, the loss of good weather in "favor of" high, high heat, the fact that I have no family, my gain this year of about 20 pounds, my loss of my former best friend to her new man friend who hates me, ladywolf, poppers, sweet pea, and another dog I used to spend a lot of time with, Domino (he's okay, but was giving back to his former home a long distance away, so I never see him anymore), big-time allergies--the list goes on and on. Am I grieving all this--you bet, though I'm still not grieving the dogs very much, no consciously, anyway. I'm "just" in a deep depression.

Words of comfort would be much appreciated, as my energy level is about zero.

Thanks, everyone.

Big Hugs from Margi and Spiritwolf

[Cheryl83]

Dear Margi,

With everything you are going through, it's not surprising that you feel so low. I am so sorry that you are having to endure such tough times - and I genuinely mean that from the bottom of my heart. Isn't it strange how I've only spoken to you through a few posts on this forum; and yet I find myself caring about your situation, and feel sad that you are going through these sad times? Our grief has brought us all closer, and we all care about, and are all here for you.

Margi, you are at an all-time low -- the only good in this, is that you can only move upwards from here.

Tough times don't always last, but tough people do.

I came across this poem, and would like to share it with you:

--

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.


Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.


Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver lint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worse,
That you must not quit.


~ FRAN YOUNGBLOOD ~

--

I hope this helps. Hang in there, Margi. Keep us updated on how you're getting on.

You're in my thoughts. Cheryl xx

[ladywolf]

Hi Cheryl--

Thank you so much for the wonderful poem. It really is right on topic, isn't it. Very inspirational, and a good reminder that better times will be ahead...

I wish I could agree with you that I was at an all-time low, but this depression doesn't even approach some I've had in the past. This one is circumstantial--at least it can be attributed to "real" things. Some of my biochemical depressions have been totally horrifying, when there wasn't even anything particularly wrong, and I was still completely non-functional. No, sadly, this is fairly mild compared to what my mind is capable of creating. Actually, today I am feeling a bit better and actually got a few things done, although one was bittersweet--I sent off my mother's most beloved pearls for appraisal at an auction house, and I may never see them again. Oh well, you do what you gotta'... And yes, I AM on antidepressants, and have been for 46 years, off and on. That's part of the problem, the length of time I've been on them.

I agree that we do develop real friendships here, and really do care about each other. I have particularly appreciated your loyalty, as well as Moon Beam's. I haven't made the time to post in your thread recently, and I apologize, but I'm not posting much in anyone else's threads right now--am too locked in to my own stuff to be of much help. But I really care about you too, and so appreciate your words of comfort and wisdom.

I wish the best for you and everyone here, all the time!

Big hugs and thanks from Margi and Spiritwolf

[moon_beam]

Hi, Margi, getting caught up on your posts. I'm sorry about you're having to sell your mom's string of pearls - - just for the sake of needing the money to pay bills. I can identify with your standing up for Mark, but not always for yourself. We seem to mirror one another in many ways.

Margi, the energy levels will ebb and flow through the grieving journey, so just do what you feel up to doing when you feel up to doing it. You have been on an adrenalin rush for so long that now you are feeling the effects of the let down effect. It can actually exacerbate depression, so don't feel guilty about taking things at a slower pace for awhile until you actually feel a steady flow of physical energy again.

I hope that gentle breezes will come this evening to soothe your tired and weary heart and spirit, and that your feel the sweet presence of your precious Spiritwolf with you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[ladywolf]

Yes, Moon Beam--We do mirror one another. A friend and I have already contacted our congressional representative to try to get help for Mark, which they say they may be able to provide. But he's also getting a lawyer, and we don't want one action to jeopardize the other one. Anyway, it was something tangible that we could do for Mark, whereas for myself...? Well, I go on work-hunting...

I feel like posting some more pix today, so will try, though it doesn't always work for me. I'll start with this one:

If that worked, I'll do a couple more.

Thanks, as ever, for your support and encouragement!

Love from Margi and Spiritwolf

Attached image(s)

 

[ladywolf]

Here are two more:

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[sad]

Margi
I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down but glad you are doing a little better today. I imagine the heat is sapping your energy (along with everything else) and I imagine like me you have no AC. It makes everything seem even worse when you have no energy. And it is awful that so many people are falling through the safety nets now. I'm not sure that many people that are still secure with a steady income realize how bad things can get. But I guess all any of us can do it just give it our all and hope for the best. I wish I had some words of wisdome but all I can say is I hope that you have some happier days ahead soon.

[ladywolf]

Actually, hon, what I do have is a large evaporative swamp cooler, which is what we use out here in the desert until it gets too humid for them to work anymore.. I am sorry that you have no AC!! I don't use mine much, because of the electric bill, but I gotta have it on, I have it on. It's sometimes unbearable without it.

Yes, many are falling through the nets--in fact, the nets are so worn and torn that don't really operate as nets anymore, anyway. The system has been broken for so long that I don't know if it can ever be repaired...

You too, I wish you great success in finding work. People who have steady secure jobs may not realize how BORING it is when you don't have work to go to. when I substitute teach, I complain a lot about how obnoxious the kids are, but at least I have somewhere to be and something to do. I don't have the sense of futility that I feel when I'm not contributing anything and have nowhere to go. And I've been an artist and writer all my life, but my current depression, which is an old familiar beast, is keeping me from creating anything new.

I'm doing a little better today though. Thank you for your input!

Hugs--Margi and Ladywolf, uh....Spiritwolf

[soojung]

hi margi,

i'm so sorry that you're getting hit on so many fronts all at once, it just seems so unfair. i think what moonbeam said earlier makes sense--that perhaps you're also coming down from an earlier adrenaline rush? at any rate, it's no wonder that you're feeling exhausted and depressed after all the recent events, combined w/ the ongoing stressors of unemployment and trying to get by somehow on so little.

things are horribly difficult for you right now--more difficult i'm sure than i could even imagine. and yet i also feel sure, just from what i've seen of you from this forum & your blog, that you WILL find a way to get through this somehow, the way you've managed to survive so many times before. in the meantime, i wish so much i could shoulder some of the burden for you. yesterday (or was it the day before?) i randomly thought of you while i was in Trader Joe's (do you have that in AZ?) and worried about whether you were doing ok. i hesitate to write that b/c it might seem creepy, but really it's not--i just want you to know that there are people out there who are thinking of you and pulling for you.

i have to run now, but please hang in there and hopefully we'll meet up in chat sometime.
soojung

[tahoeden]

Hi Margi,

I'm back home, was at my sister's for a couple of days. Gotten up over the 100 degree mark here, and my house too gets baking. I've a small portable window A/C which only cools off the kitchen a bit. I tried a lottery ticket...was gonna send you a few hundred grand...but it didn't hit. Heading back to the doctor's tomorrow, having another relapse, been a month now, basically I've been sick since I've been on this site and met you.

Finally read some posts, and saw how you are feeling. Those are the first close-ups I've seen of Ladywolf. Such a gentle face. I'm sorry everything is hitting you all at once. I get so angry, and disappointed with our medical and governmental system, when I hear what you said about you not getting disability or work, and especially what's going on with your friend, Mark. We should have some kind of, at least, temporary socialized medical care, for times like these and situations like your friend is in. Plus just so we can get meds when we are out of work with no coverage.

Sounds like everything...no work, depression, realization of your losses, the heat, neighbors, lack of work, and trying to come to the aid of a friend...is way too overwhelming. I'm amazed you can still write here and keep a sense of coherency. I'd offer you to come visit for a couple of week...get out of the heat and have some company...though I know it's bad timing while trying to get some work. I've put in some applications, one at an old job with mental health up here, where I worked 10 years ago. I don't think I'll get back on there plus it's kind of a let down thinking about having to go back and work there for the county. I'm ready to make a move somewhere just to get some work. I've been thinking about you daily, and now finding out how intense things are for you, I really wish I had some money or the magic pill to help you get through these times. Sending you some thoughts and energy of peace.

Dennis

[soojung]

hi again margi,

just posting again b/c i forgot to say: what a sweet face! i love her white eyelashes. thanks for posting the pics. agree w/ tahoeden, she has such a gentle expression on her face.
soojung

[janika]

Hi Margi

The photos are beautiful, what a dear , sweet face. She will always be your 'wonderwolf'. Thanks for sharing them with us.
I am sorry to hear about the depression which you are understandably suffering as you have been through so much these last few months. I just wish I could reach out with a magic wand and wave away all the troubles. Think of your Spiritwolf, she will be willing you along. Look how you fought for her with all your might, giving her such a wonderful life. I know you have that fighting spirit as you have overcome so much and come through with the ability to help others with your words of wisdom and compassion.
I was hoping to hear that you had a good day at the River, did you manage to get there? I have been to the chat room a few times and chatted with a few people on there. I will keep looking in and hope to see you soon.
Thinking of you.

Hugs
Jan and my Angels and Pixie x

[Cheryl83]

Hi Margi,

Just checking in with you again to let you know you're still in my thoughts How are you feeling today? I know nothing has changed in your situation, but it's strange how your moods can change on a day-to-day basis for no reason at all!

You know, I was thinking about your situation and find it strange that there are no benefits out there that can help you through. I have no idea about the benefit situation in the US, but over here in the UK there is a set amount which each person is said to need to live on, and if their income doesn't meet that, there are a number of benefits they can apply for to 'top it up'. I'm unemployed at the moment (but hopefully will be starting college in september) and get something called "Job Seekers Allowance" Providing I am available for, and seeking work, I get money each week to live off. It's not an awful lot, but it's enough to get by. Plus, I get free medical prescriptions, free dentist, etc. Surely there must be something like this in the States? I find it so sad that they can just leave a person to struggle so much. It isn't right. What do people pay there taxes for!

Well, hope to hear from you soon.

Big hugs -- Cheryl xx

P.S. I love the pics of Ladywolf! Such wise, gentle eyes! What a Lady!

[Rhapsedy]

Margi... Ladywolf is so BEAUTIFUL!