It Seems To Me That I Want, My HEALTHY wolf back! Options

[ladywolf]

I'm just sitting here pondering the nature of the grieving process, and it has occurred to me that it seems to be true for a lot of us that what we are missing so much and longing for are our young, healthy, energetic, joyful pets--not our old, ailing, pain-ridden, somewhat miserable pets. Not that we don't love them right up until the last minute, and then beyond--but I know that I wouldn't particularly have wanted poor old Ladywolf, with her heavy tumors and diabetes, to have lived a whole lot longer. She couldn't walk very well, she was uncomfortable, she knew that she was compromised and couldn't do what she used to--she was happy to be in my presence, and I her's, but her quality of life had definitely deteriorated, and she was ready to go when she did.

So I, and perhaps a lot of us, are really longing for the "old" fur-kid--the one who didn't have pain and limitations. That's why it's SO painful when a life gets cut short suddenly--it's a major trauma that can cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Happy, bouncing, joyful animal here one minute and gone the next...

When I want Lady back, I want the Ladywolf who was somewhere between three (when I met her) and thirteen--the companion who could do anything that we wanted to do, and with enthusiasm and great energy. So I'm yearning for the impossible! THAT Lady left me about two years ago...

Just a observation--not all of you may agree, but it's something to think about...

Big Hugs to everyone--

Margi and Spiritwolf

[moon_beam]

Hi, Margi, I absolutely agree with you about this observation. I came to this realization a few years ago, too. In my younger years immediately following the physical death of one of my furkids my gut-wrenching grief desperately wanted them back. But as I have gotten older I have come to understand that to have them back would mean that they would still be trapped in their painful ill-stricken physical bodies with no quality of life.

Of course this intellectual understanding doesn't take off the painful edge of the physical loss of any and all of my beloved companions. The grief journey is still very hard, particularly in the beginning, and my life and heart are still empty without the blessing of their sweet physical presence, but I better understand in my heart of hearts that my precious furkids are much better off in heaven's perfect garden where they are once again restored to their youthfulness - - never again having to endure the effects of an aging ill-stricken physical body. And that's why I do the memorials - - so that I can focus on their lives BEFORE their bodies were burdened with the effects of irreversible age and illness. And I know this is how they want to be remembered - - when they were able to enjoy both quality and quantity of life during their journey with me on this side of eternity. With this I can hope for the time, my appropriate time, when I can join them in heaven's perfect garden where there is no grief or pain.

Thank you so much, Margi, for sharing your observations. I'm also glad that things have quieted down a bit for you around the homestead. You are frequently in my thoughts and prayers throughout the day, Margi. I do so hope that life will begin to be kinder and gentler for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[tahoeden]

Hi Margi,

Having a bad Kota day, don't even know what to say when friends call on the phone. I know what you mean about having the energetic, lively, young, full-of-life Ladywolf back. I can picture Kota the day I got her, see her in her younger years, picture us together as she got older, remember all the companionship we gave each other. And yet, I would still take her in her old age, just to be with her. The years never lessened my love or need for her. I'm even having trouble just looking at her picture today. I understand though how much fun it must have been for you guys, over the years, just being able to get out and walk and play and drive anywhere together. I want out of this house as it just doesn't feel like it's home anymore. Yet I'm realizing that no place is going to feel like home. I feel like I'm a downer today and don't want to be around anyone. Hope your day and job opportunities are improving.

D

[tanbuck]

Margi, I agree with your observations. And as Niles and Buck were getting near their ends, I had to keep reminding myself that if I could help each new affliction that arose, I still wasn't restoring their youth. Nothing can cure old age. And that's what each one of them succumbed to, in the end. I also, like you, think back a few years and wish for those times again. When there were no worries (even though I worried then too). After each one has died, I've gone through and am still going through a phase of just repeating, "I want to go back, I just want my old life back."
So, I get what you're saying. An on another note, one of my bosses asked me the other day if we were going to get another dog. He wants a dog himself but he's not an animal person like my husband and I are. I immediately said, no not right now. He was shocked. I thought about it later and wish I would have thought to say that we don't have a dog void in our home, we have a Buck void in our home. I didn't have Buck to have a dog. I had Buck.
I hope things are looking better for you with your home and job situation. I think about you alot and worry about you.
-Donna

[sad]

Margi

I know what you mean. For me seeing my cat so sick the last few days was worse than after he was gone. I would not have wanted any more time seeing him like that. I would have wanted more time with him healthy, even if not so young. Hope things are looking better for you on the job front as well-for me not so much especially losing unemploymnet while the government debates the extensions but I'm hoping I can find something soon as well-so many of us are in a bad situation right now.

[Berta]

Hi Margi,

I know exactly what you mean. I have had this very subject on my mind a lot lately, even quite a while before Chico died. I miss our old times, when Chico was an energetic healthy dog! When he would take me for walks, leading the way and dragging me behind him. When he'd bounce off the storm door barking furiously at any noise he heard outside. His 'great escape' game, where he would fly out the door if he got the chance. Then he would just run and run and run and it was so hard to catch him. Sometimes he'd allow us to get close, then dog-laugh and take off again. He thought it was a game. He was such an energetic dog to end up laying on the couch unable to walk for his last 6 months. But yes. That is what I want back!

I have been wondering how long it will take to start remembering the healthy Chico more instead of his most recent months of being sick, ailing and helpless. I miss him desperately, but I would not want him to be back in that state. I think I had already begun my grieving for him months ago, when he was no longer able to do the things he loved.

If we could only turn back the time. Impossible of course, but I sure wish I had that happy little dog in the pic on my avatar back.

Berta

[dihann]

Hi Margi:

So enjoyed your intelligent thoughtful post. Thank you for that.

[ladywolf]

Thank you all for your comments, they mean a lot to me. I find that this grief journey is a sad, but necessary part of the total journey when choosing to take an animal partner into one's life. We hate this part, but we don't get the other part without this part. For me, it is a bittersweet experience--a mix of sadness over my loss, and joy that I was lucky enough to have had such magical beings in my life for so long.

That's why I'm not incapacitated by grief right now. I knew at the beginning what the outcome would likely be, and it was part of a contract that I signed with Poppers and Ladywolf, and all my other critters from the past. That I would not abandon them in their times of need, or after they had passed on. That I would be true to their memories, and carry on with my life in the ways that they would have wanted me to. Spiritwolf just loves to see me laugh, and so I do. It's a tribute to HER for me to feel good when I can these days. It's impossible to laugh and suffer at the exact same moment...

Just some more thoughts on the matter. I have a poem on my wall, with a picture of my old VW van, that seems to relate to all this:

How long the road is.
But for all the time the journey has already taken,
How you have needed every second of it,
In order to learn what the road passes by.

Big hugs to everyone--

Margi and Spiritwolf

[tahoeden]

Good poem. You must have a lot of memories with your old VW van. After reading your poem, a line from a book, The Little Prince (or as it is in French, Le Petit Prince), came to me: "It is only with the heart that one can see clearly...what is essential is invisible to the eye." It's good you are finding some joy in your memories already. You said that you knew at the beginning what the outcome would likely be. For me, it was the opposite. From the day I got Kota, I never once thought about her getting old and dying...at least not until she got really old. I guess that was a good thing cuz it kept me in the present with her, just thinking that there was always tomorrow to take another walk together. But now I feel sad that if someday I am able to open up to another pet, I will have it in the back of the mind that they will leave me all too soon. And that scares me. I guess at least you are a realist. Me, I've just never been too good at accepting reality, especially when it comes in the form of the passing of our loved ones. Robert Frost said, "Everything I've ever learned in life can be summed up in three words...It Goes On..." G'nite

Dennis

[ladywolf]

Thanks for the lines from The Little Prince, and from Frost, Dennis--they're really spot on, aren't they? (Oooh, I think I'm picking up some Brit' from Janika!)

I guess I AM a realist, or have become more of one in recent years. All the losses over the years have wounded me, but most are scarred over by now. I lost my last family member in my thirty-seventh year, and have been totally alone in the world since then, but for my dogs and cats and my friends. This has been very hard for me, especially since my mom committed suicide, but the losses have receded into the past and I don't feel them all that keenly anymore. I guess I figure that if the death of one's mother by suicide can be scarred over, then so can the loss of a beloved wolf...eventually...though not yet...

I called Spiritwolf over to my bed last night and she came, and I talked to her. I am kind of shocked by this, as I am not religious, nor even particularly spiritually-oriented. But she is here in this house, she is palpable, her energy is in every room, and in my car, and at my friends' houses, and everywhere I go. On the other hand, I am not surprised, because the human/wolf bond is unlike anything I have ever experienced before--it was unique for me. What a lucky girl I was!

Big hugs to everyone--

Margi and Spiritwolf

[Rhapsedy]

Hi Dennis,

It's been over 9 months since I lost Callaway and what a difficult and scary ride it has been. I first didn't think I could survive without him but very slowly things got better. I still miss him like crazy and would do anything to be able to hug him once again. I have changed alot since his passing and have become a stronger and better person.

I had thought about losing callaway since he was 2 years old, I didn't dwell on it but thought about it quite often and even more so in the past couple of years. How wonderful it was that you didn't let those thoughts come into your head with Kota. The one thing I wish I could do is go back and enjoy every second I had with Callaway and not worry about him dying someday.

I now have my dogs Oliver and Barney and I honestly don't think about them dying, I think that's one of the lessons that I learned with Callaway, live in the moment because that's all we really have. I also have a very sick dog Brando, he is 15 years old. I don't even dwell on his passing, I think about the wonderful life I gave him and all of the joy that he brought me.

Like you, I always had a hard time accepting reality but with Callaway's death I had no choice but to accept it and eventually and you will do the same with Kota. And I believe that the next dog you adopt (and I do believe there will be another dog) will be one lucky dog and that you won't dwell on he or she dying because that would take a way from all the joy and happiness that you two will share.

Hang in there Dennis... you are in the beginning stages of grief which are the hardest. You can make it thru and we are all here to help you.

Rhapsedy

Good poem. You must have a lot of memories with your old VW van. After reading your poem, a line from a book, The Little Prince (or as it is in French, Le Petit Prince), came to me: "It is only with the heart that one can see clearly...what is essential is invisible to the eye." It's good you are finding some joy in your memories already. You said that you knew at the beginning what the outcome would likely be. For me, it was the opposite. From the day I got Kota, I never once thought about her getting old and dying...at least not until she got really old. I guess that was a good thing cuz it kept me in the present with her, just thinking that there was always tomorrow to take another walk together. But now I feel sad that if someday I am able to open up to another pet, I will have it in the back of the mind that they will leave me all too soon. And that scares me. I guess at least you are a realist. Me, I've just never been too good at accepting reality, especially when it comes in the form of the passing of our loved ones. Robert Frost said, "Everything I've ever learned in life can be summed up in three words...It Goes On..." G'nite

Dennis

[ladywolf]

I have never dwelled on the idea that my pets were going to leave me, not when they were young and healthy, anyway. I have totally lived in the moment with them, always, at least until they got old and sick, and then I tried to dwell in the moment too. It's just that I know when I take on a pet that I am likely to outlive it, and that's why I'm not taken by surprise when they leave me, unless they leave in surprising ways. I've had dogs who lived to be very very old: one was 17, my Great Dane, Diva, lived to be almost fourteen (!), and Ladywolf and Poppers lived to 15. It was inevitable that I would have seen some deterioration in those latter years, some loss of faculties, that would have tipped me off to the fact that they were not going to be with me forever. That's just me and how I look at things.

Now, at 60, I couldn't be so sure that I would outlive a puppy or a kitten. That's an odd feeling. Not the reason that I am not getting another dog or cat right away--but a factor to be considered. My main reason is that I want to be free to relocate without having to find pet-friendly housing (at first.) I'm sure that eventually some new magical being will find me, but I would hope to be more settled and stable by then...

Hugs to everyone--

Margi and Spiritwolf

P.S. The night before last was the night that I called the Spiritwolf over to my bed, and she came, and I petted and talked to her. Last night my neighbor's dog came strolling into my bedroom and right up to my bed for cuddlies. She had never been in my bedroom before! (Just let herself in.)

[moon_beam]

Hi, Margi, I also share with you a part about embracing a new life right now - - the age part. I have been in a situation where two precious furkids were almost instant orphans (the automobile collision). That "fear" - - unreasonable as it may be to others - - still haunts me, even though I have provided for all of my furkids in my Will.

I am so glad that your precious Spiritwolf comes to visit you, Margi, and that she invited your neighbor's doggie child to come visit as well. I hope you know that Spiritwolf and Poppers and Sweet Pea will be with you wherever you go, Margi. They will always be with you for they are now no longer confined to the laws of time and space on this side of eternity as we are.

Margi, I am so sorry for your losses over the years, - - for the tragic loss of your mother. I hope and pray with all my heart, Margi, that GOOD things will begin to happen for you. You have been through so much over these months. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Margi, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[ladywolf]

Thank you so much, Moon Beam, for being so compassionate and empathetic. You are truly extraordinary--you always have such wisdom to impart and such a heart-felt way of expressing it. I feel a little bit like I don't belong here, because I am not grieving so deeply. But you make me feel included.

Our histories are somewhat the same, aren't they? Tragic loss of our mothers at an early age. We will never fully "recover" from those losses--we just have to keep on truckin', I guess.

I'm struggling right now to find peace amidst obnoxious neighbors. I'ts hard--I have a big front porch with a birdbath, fountain, etc. that I considered to be sacrosanct--and now I'm "invaded" all the time. I don't want to be mean and tell them to go away, so I just go indoors myself, at times when I don't want to. My life has been radically altered, and I don't know what to do. I can draw boundaries and keep them off my porch, but I can't keep them out of their own front yard, which is right in front of my front porch...What to do?

Hugs to all--

Margi and Spiritwolf

[moon_beam]

Hi, Margi, of course you belong here with us. Each of us grieve differently and our grief is different at different times. You are so important here in offering your wisdom and encouragement and compassion.

You have been through so much over recent months, years, Margi, including not having employment which I know is a MAJOR concern, and now with your peace and solitude horribly disrupted it's amazing to me that you are enduring everything so well.

It is inspiring to read your posts about Spiritwolf, and to have the benefit of your insights. Thank you so o o o much for being here with us, Margi. And hopefully through our posts to you you will feel comforted, too, however you may need it.

When you talk to Spiritwolf, please tell her that moon_beam sends her best regards. And Margi, you are in my thoughts and prayers frequently every day. Please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Cheryl83]

Margi,

Please don't feel that "you don't belong here" because you don't feel you're grieving as deeply as some. Please know, that you're an integral part of this community. Your wise words and support has helped me more than I can express since joining this forum. You're dealing with your loss differently to others because of your life experiences. And because of these experiences you have gained great wisdom to help comfort others. You are living proof that no matter what life throws at you, you can "keep on truckin'".

Thank you.

Cheryl xx

[ladywolf]

Thank you, Cheryl and Moon Beam--

I was beginning to feel like "persona non grata" around here, because I'm not so deeply immersed in my grief. But I guess you're right--my perspective can be of help to others who maybe think that they are in denial, when in reality, they are in acceptance, because that's where I am most of the time. I'd lost my entire family by the time I was thirty-seven--that counts for something in the world of human experience.. I've lost 11 dogs--that counts for something in the world of canine experience...

I think that I've been feeling a bit sorry for myself the past few days, and projecting it out into this Forum as well. My circumstances are quite unbearable, so I am looking for other places where I "don't belong," while you guys are trying to convince me that I DO belong!

Thanks for your words of affirmation--they mean a lot to me!

Margi and Spiritwolf

[moon_beam]

Hi, Margi, it is an honor and a pleasure to be of encouragement to you. With everything that you have been through, I don't perceive how you're feeling as "self pity." When life has not been kind over a period of time it's hard to keep a "positive mental attitude" about anything. I have been where you are, Margi. You are an integral part of this Forum, so please know you are ALWAYS welcome here. I know it can't give you a job, I know it can't change what you're living through with your obnoxious neighbors. But we are just a "click" and a log in away, and are blessed to have you among us.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Margi. And please let us know how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[ladywolf]

Thanks, Moon Beam. I shouldn't let just one post throw me off track so much, I guess. It's a hard time right now for me, just barely managing to survive. I decided to start a new blog today, on rising above poverty. I called it divingforbrie.blogspot.com . The title's about DUMPSTER diving for food, which I haven't done recently, but used to do a lot...

I'm having a BLAH day, don't feel very motivated to do anything. The summer heat is really getting to me this year. Paradoxically, the neighbors are gone today, but it's too hot to enjoy my peaceful front porch. That's June in Arizona.

Anyway, thanks again for assuring me that I belong here.

Hugs from Margi and Spiritwolf

[moon_beam]

Hi, Margi, it's so good to hear from you. Margi, I am proud of you for starting the blog, and know that it will be of help to many folks who are struggling with unemployment and financial difficulties in this country, perhaps including some folks on this very forum who have mentioned their challenges in these very same things, and perhaps others who may log on sometime in the future and read your post.

I hope that you and Spiritwolf will have a very peaceful evening tonight. May gentle breezes come to cool and refresh your tired heart, and perhaps Spiritwolf will bring Poppers' and Sweet Pea's sweet Living Spirits to come for a visit tonight.

Please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers frequently throughout the day, Margi, and before I close my eyes for sleep at night. You are a very important part of this Forum, Margi, and you are a very important personal friend to me.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam