Losing My Beloved Misha Options

[MishasMom]

I'm so glad I found this forum. On Saturday I had to put my beloved Ragdoll Misha to sleep. It was the hardest decision to make. She was 15 years old. Last year she had been diagnosed with beggining stages of kidney failure. Last week she just started acting like she wasn't happy anymore. She was still eating but sleeping a lot. She also would be sitting there having trouble breathing. On Friday night she didn't want to be bothered at all. Didn't want me touching her, or cuddling, or any kind of interaction with me. During last week she bit me once or twice for no real reason. She had never done that before. I had this feeling she was telling me that she was done. She didn't enjoy life.

I took her into the vet Saturday morning. After talking to the vet he thought that she could of possibly had a stroke or seizures. There was also a chance that she could have a brain tumor. I asked if she was in any physical pain and he said no. I'm not sure if I believed that she had lost most of her muscle mass and I'm sure her little hips were rubbing up against bone. I just kept thinking we will be back in this same spot either ten days or a few months. What kind of quality of life would she have in that time. I feel that we don't just have an obligation to their physical pain but also their mental pain. So I made the decision I thought was best for her. She went quickly thank God. I did second guess myself the next day. I think that is normal. I do have a peace about it now. I believe we will see them again one day in heaven with our heavenly Father.

The hardest part for me is coming home to an empty apartment. I live alone and it is so lonely in my bed at night. For 30 years I have only had 4 months without a companion cat. I know I want to get another one just want the right timing.

Sorry for rambling on. My friends are getting tired of hearing about "it".

[patricia]

dear mishas mom.
i am so very sorry for your loss. i was a very active participant on this site having lost my little sweet kitty fred to complications of diabetes. his one year anniversary was not too long ago. i quit responding to everyone because i realized i was not done grieving. one year later, im still not done and it hurts so so much to relive the loss. but your story really touched my heart, especially the part where you said you know one day you will see her again in heaven with our heavenly father. i know that to be true as well. that is what i hold on to everyday. because everyday i cry for my fred. the only thing that i can tell you is that time will heal your broken heart. today as i write this, i am not shedding as many tears as i used to. but please know that your little misha is home now. back where she belongs. i believe that our father above, lends us these wonderful creatures to teach us a little something about love, tolerance, patience and so much more and when they are done teaching, they join the big professor in the sky and He welcomes them home with plenty of hugs and kisses.
i know how you feel, coming home to an empty apartment. my little fred would poke his head around the corner to make sure it was me and when he was sure he would come out and we would proceed to have our "evening conversation". it is truly hard, i know. we all know. but know that you are not alone. you are in my thoughts and prayers. and when the time is right and new little kitty will adopt you. he or she will never replace your sweet misha but will bring new memories, and the smiles will all come back.
keep writing the pain away. we are here to listen.
patricia

[tahoeden]

Dear Mishasmom,

Screw your friends and anybody that is "tired" of hearing about it. It hasn't even been a week since you lost your loved one. I think that when we are in pain, and crying so much, it triggers off our friends own issues of pain and sorrow, which they can't deal with, then they want to "fix everything" and say you are doing fine. Like you, except for relatives and friends, I live alone and it is excruciating coming home. What you said about her bone rubbing on bone, was exactly what the chiropractor (where I took Kota) said, and even the vet said it must be very painful for them. You did your final duty and ultimate act of loving her by putting her down. It's good you feel so strongly about seeing her again one day. Right now I don't know what I believe or have faith in anymore. There is a nice site, The Rainbow Bridge, where they talk about what happens after their passing.

Write and cry and use your friends. This is a time of grief. You are strong in the fact that you say you know you'll get another some day. I can't even think that right now. I think that the "it" your friends don't talk about could stand for Intensely Torturous. Write on this site when you least feel like you can, when the tears are flowing. It isn't that you are being too emotional, you are just being human. I believe that Misha was the one who chose you to live her life with. I'm sure it was a mutual privilege for the both of you to have each other. I'm starting to believe others on this site when they say they care and support me, and now you. (The little voice in my head says, "How could they care about me if they don't know me?") The late night loneliness, I'm familiar with, and that's the time to come on this site, even if it's just a momentary relief or diversion. It hurts to hurt, and to know that the one thing that would relief the hurt is no longer available. I can tell how much you loved her...and she knew it too, all the time.

Tahoeden
Dennis

[ladywolf]

Hi Misha's Mom (and Patricia--welcome back!)

Thanks, Dennis, for all your sage words...

I am so so very sorry for your loss of your precious Misha. We who live alone have a special "cross to bear," because it does mean that we come home to an empty house at the end of the day, after our pets cross the rainbow bridge, and that's a very painful experience. I'll be facing it too when my lovely Ladywolf finally leaves me, and I am dreading the empty house thing more than anything else. I just can't imagine being without my partner!

It sounds to me as if you took exactly the right action at the right time. I agree with you--we have an obligation to look out for the welfare of our fur-kids, and often that means making agonizing decisions. We put them out of pain and distress, and then it really starts for us. (Although there's also "anticipatory grieving" when the pet is sick for awhile first; I'm doing that kind of grieving every day for Ladywolf, who is still with us...

This forum is made up of the most wonderful, compassionate people. Keep coming back and posting--we will never get tired of hearing about "it."

I'm so sorry for your pain and loss.

Big hugs--Margi and Ladywolf

[MishasMom]

Thank you each for your kinds words. I am now sitting up not able to sleep because it is so quiet in here. LOL I miss her snoring. I never knew that a kitty could snore like that. I miss her walking over me to try and get me up to feed her in the middle of the night. I can't even read because she used to come up to block me from reading. I'm having to do a lot more praying lately to get through this. I'm just taking it one day at a time. Some days it is one hour at a time.

[janika]

Dear MishasMom

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Misha. You had to let her go to release her from pain and suffering, she is now watching over you from a place where she is young and healed again. It really is so hard for us when we cannot physically see or touch are sweet Angel fur babies, but I do believe that they are always with us, just in a different form. Watch out for signs, and close your eyes and think of her dear face before going to sleep, and she will probably visit you in your dreams. I know its hard but I try and think of my Angels in a 'Happy' way at bedtime and I have been lucky to have had some lovely dreams. At first the dreams may seem worrying but I think this is our doubts and worries about 'did we do the right thing, or was it the right time'. You certainly love your Misha, that is clear to see, and you made your decision out of your love for her.
I am thinking of you and sending love to you and your precious Angel Misha

[moon_beam]

Hi, MishasMom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Misha. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last act of love we can give to our beloved companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can be healed to their former youthful bodies in the healing presence of the angels.

Unfortunately it is usually the people who are closest to us who simply do not understand the trauma of losing a beloved companion. Clinical professionals now recognize that losing a beloved companion is as traumatic, if not more so, as losing a human family member or friend. Our beloved companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them without reservation. This is one of the many reasons why losing them is both emotionally and physically painful.

I, too, am the only human resident in my home, so I do so well understand how difficult it is for you to come home to an empty house and empty arms. It is a huge adjustment to say the least, and only re-emphasizes the emptiness that is in your heart.

I am glad you are feeling better about your decision to let Misha go home to the angels. The second guessing is a normal part of the grief journey, and sometimes creeps in and out during the grieving process. This is why it is so important to hold onto the truth - - and that being that you always did the very best you could for your precious Misha at all times and in all circumstances - - including making the hardest decision for you and the best decision for her.

Misha, among many things it is very important for you to know that you are not alone in your grief journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Misha, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[tanbuck]

Hi MishasMom. I'm so very sorry you lost your sweet Misha. I know what you mean about the quiet in your apartment. Even though I'm married and have(had) other pets in the house, our home seemed eerily quiet after our first cat, Frasier, died last August. And it got quiet again when his brother, Niles, died in March. We were then down to just one pet, our dog Buck, who is probably nearing his end soon due to kidney failure.
All those routines we're so used to can be the most painful things! Like your Misha waking you up for food. Niles used to pull my hair in the middle of the night and Frasier would rattle the blinds. How do they know what to do to "pester" us? I'll never know but I'd give anything to have it back!
Come here and ramble all you want. We don't ever get tired of hearing about "it". Because we battle our "it" every day too. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry that you're alone right now. My thoughts are with you.
-Donna

[Foxysmummy]

Hi MishasMom,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Misha. I know what you mean about missing her presence, I had my dog Foxy put to sleep in March because she had bone cancer, and then on Monday my cat Frank died suddenly at home. I also know what you mean about friends not understanding, but this site is wonderful and everyone on here does understand, so get it all out, you're among friends here.

Irene

[MishasMom]

Missing Misha

The silence of the walls around me.
No echoing of meows to draw my attention.
No taps on my leg for hugs and kisses.
No head to plant sweet kisses on.
No kitty to hold in my arms and rub my face in her tummy fur.
No tail to play games with.
No more kitty conversations.
Tears come raining down.
Memories come upon me as a flash flood.
She was my sunshine.....my joy, my laughter, and my love.

Author- Karen L.

[MishasMom]

I couldn't stand to come home without having a cat. I went out and adopted another one soon after Misha's passing. It just wasn't the right time. The cat I adopted was too much to handle so I took her back to the cat rescue today. It is a no kill rescue they will keep her until they find her a home. I feel horrible. I keep doing everything wrong. I just keep crying.

I miss Misha so bad. I feel like I will never have another bond like I did with this cat. My heart seeks her out everyday.

[ladywolf]

Misha's Mom--

You haven't done ANYTHING wrong, although I understand why you feel horrible and I sympathize. You HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG!!!

You took care of Misha in a wonderful way, putting her comfort ahead of you own. And you tried an experiment that didn't work out. That's all. Nothing wrong in that. Perhaps it was too soon, or, more to the point, it was the wrong cat. You can't always "hit on" the right choice the first time 'round. You could try again with another kitty, or you could wait awhile longer until you're grieving process is further along.

Do you understand that you didn't do anything wrong?

I AM sorry that you're having such a horrible day, and hope that tomorrow goes better for you.

Big hugs from Margi and Spiritwolf

P.S. you didn't do anything wrong!

[moon_beam]

Hi, MishasMom, I can only add my two cents to Margi's reply that you do not have anything to be ashamed of by returning the rescue kitty to the rescue group. For you and this kitty the timing was just not "right" - - and that's okay. This little kitty will find a home and you, MishasMom, will have this time to heal from your loss so that the next time - - when you are ready - - you and your new fur child will know the time is right for the both of you.

I do so know how hard it is to come home to an empty house and empty arms. It's one of the most difficult experiences we have after the loss of a beloved companion - - even when there are other furkids in the household. Nothing is the same, the void of the loss is overwhelming, and everything feels like nothing will ever be "right" again.

MishasMom, the only thing I can offer you is encouragement for you to know that you are not alone in this horrible grief journey you are traveling right now. I do so know how painful it is and how it seems like nothing will ever be the same. And in reality, it won't be. BUT - - that's okay, BECAUSE if, and when, we embrace the companionship of another fur child, we will have a NEW beginning and NEW life to share, while always keeping close in our hearts and memories the sweet Living Spirits of the ones we are temporarily physically separated from.

So, MishasMom, it is my sincerest hope that you this will bring hope and peace to your heart. Just remember - - it's all in the timing, and you will know when the timing is right for you - - and for your new fur child companion. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, MishasMom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[tanbuck]

Misha's Mom, I echo what the others have said. There are no wrongs in this grief process. Yes, everything feels wrong, but you're not wrong. As you make a decision about another cat, follow your gut. Get very quiet and listen to your inner voice. See where it leads you.
In my case, my inner voice (I believe) was actually the voice of my precious cat, Niles, as he was passing away. There was a female cat that had been abandoned at our vet the week that Niles died. The day before he died and the evening that he died, there was a song going through my head over and over. Ear worms, I think they call that phenomenon. The song wouldn't go away but the words made me believe that Niles was not only releasing me to another but telling me it was the girl at the vet. I waited a week but couldn't stand it anymore. My point in telling you this was that I immediately felt all wrong. Completely wrong. I did not want her and she didn't want me. She was grieving for a family that obviously loved her (based on the note they left with her and all her belongings). We built our walls and had an agreement to not climb them. I hated her being here. I felt sorry for her but I hated that she was here. Then, our dog, Buck passed away this week. That little girl kitty immediately kicked into gear. She knew her purpose and she fits it well. She has become such a comfort to my husband and me. I can't really explain it. Niles knew what he was doing, is all I can say.
So even though everything you do feels wrong, sometimes it works out right. I'm not saying you should have kept the rescue kitty or that you should go get another right now. I'm just saying that it seems having a new cat felt wrong and not having one feels wrong to you. Listen to your inner voice. One of those "wrongs" is right. I just read this morning that it is only when the earth is quiet and still that the dew can settle on the plants and renew them. The same is true for us. We're all here for you as you make your decision or even if you just decide not to decide. It's all ok.
-Donna
p.s. I loved your poem. You captured the essence of loving a cat.

[MishasMom]

Thank you all for your kind words. I didn't listen to my inner feelings about getting another cat. From the beginning it didn't feel right. She was the first kitty in my life that I didn't have a name for right off the bat. She was also the first kitty that there wasn't really a connection with. She was a very sweet cat. It just wasn't a good fit for either of us. I have Cerebral Palsy so I need basically a lazy cat who likes to play every once in awhile. This kitty was mellow in the beginning. Then one day she was like an Olympic athlete. I have a small studio apartment. She didn't have enough room to run around. There was also the issue of her almost tripping me. I have balance issues so I was afraid that she would trip me and I could get hurt.

I've decided that I am going to wait awhile before I get another cat. I think I need to be alone and allow myself to go through the greiving process. When the time is right I eventually want another Siamese mix or Ragdoll with different colors.

What is hurting me the most is some of my friends are being so mean about me returning the cat. I know she will get a home. I think she needs to be in a bigger place with a family.

I'm also having a hard day every Saturday around the time I had to put Misha bothers me. I'm so glad I can come here and just "talk".

[moon_beam]

Hi, MishasMom, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with people who simply do not understand the grief process and what is best for you. It was very brave of you to take the kitty back to the shelter when it was obvious this was not a good match for either one of you.

My Black Lab, Oslo, who joined the angels November 29, 2009, was trained as a Special Needs Guide Dog for someone who had other physical challenges in addition to vision loss. Over a period of time it was obvious that it was not a good match. So Oslo was returned to his Alma Mater, Guiding Eyes for the Blind in Yorktown Heights, NY, and was given an early retirement. I was on the adoption list for a retired dog or a released puppy who didn't pass the personality requirements to train as a Service Partner. I was contacted about Oslo and we shared 11 years and 2 weeks together.

I also understand your safety concerns. I, too, am physically challenged due to injuries from a serious automobile collision almost 25 years ago. I have to be careful how I walk as I can lose my balance very easily. It is important for you to feel safe with your companion(s), for when you are safe so are they.

So, I hope by reading this you will see that you truly have done nothing wrong, and that you have given that little kitty an opportunity to find the "right" home for her. You have nothing, absoultely nothing, to feel guilty about.

MishasMom, please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. And we so do appreciate your thoughtful, caring, comforting encouragement as well. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[MishasMom]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement.

Today has been a lonely day. I keep looking around hoping to see Mishas' pretty eyes winking at me. She was such a sweet little soul. I miss having her lay beside me on the bed. She would stretch out her legs behind her. She loved to be patted like a dog. I miss having her just beside me in quiet love for each other. We would play this game. She would swish her tail near my hand and I would say "I'm going to get it!" then try to grab her tail. We would do this over and over again. It is odd. I can't remember a lot of memories from when I first had her. I wish I could feel her again. I wish I could feel her presence around me. She hasn't visited me in my dreams yet either. I miss not having that unconditional love of hers.

It's hard for me to eat or sleep. I always knew it would be hard to lose her. I just never knew it would be this hard. I start crying out of the blue. I try to keep busy.

It gives me comfort being able to read other peoples stories and feelings. It allows me to grieve knowing I'm not the only one feeling this way.

[Cheryl83]

Hi Mishas mom,

So sorry for the loss of your precious baby. I know this is one of the most painful things you can go through - that feeling as though someone has ripped out your insides. As if part of you died along with your baby.

I, too, keep replying images in my head of the way my baby was. But that's good. It's important to keep the memories close to you. They will never die.

I hope you find some comfort and support here. Keep posting.

Cheryl X

[moon_beam]

Oh, MishasMom, you certainly are not alone. Even though I have experienced several losses in my life losing a beloved companion is one of the hardest experiences anyone can go through because it is very painful, both physically and emotionally. There are so many major adjustments that we have to make in our lives to compensate for the loss of our beloved companioni's physical presence with us, and I share with you how difficult this adjustment is, even when we have other precious furkids still with us.

This is one of the many reasons why it is so important for you to know you are not alone, MishasMom. We are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, for each of us truly do know what you are going through.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, MishasMom, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Axel&Lexa Mommy]

The silence of the walls around me.
No echoing of meows to draw my attention.
No taps on my leg for hugs and kisses.
No head to plant sweet kisses on.
No kitty to hold in my arms and rub my face in her tummy fur.
No tail to play games with.
No more kitty conversations.
Tears come raining down.
Memories come upon me as a flash flood.
She was my sunshine.....my joy, my laughter, and my love.

Love this poem descibes how I feel right now. So sorry for the loss of Misha it is so hard being without our babies they are such a huge part of our lives.