Guilt Is About The Past..., Hope is about the future! Options

[ladywolf]

We've all done things we wish we hadn't, or not done things we wish we had. This comes up especially when one is losing, or has lost, a beloved 4, 8 or 100-legged. (Hey, there have to be some millipede owners out there!)

Guilt is a waste of our precious time, but we all indulge in it. Think about this: guilt makes US feel more important. My mother committed suicide, and I couldn't believe all the people who thronged around me saying, "Oh, if only I had had lunch with her when she called," or "If only I'd gone shopping with her that day." No. Not. Never. My mother was determined to go, and nothing could have stopped her.

So think on this when you feel guilt about your beloveds--you did the BEST YOU POSSIBLY COULD HAVE under the circumstances, given what you knew at the time. Guilt usually comes from knowledge gained after the fact--but we act from knowledge known BEFORE THE FACT. You did the best you could, given what you knew at the time...period.

I'm facing the death of Poppers right now, so I'm writing this for myself as well as everyone else. I'm clear with her, even though I've been away from her for two days. We are complete, right now, as a unit...and I will have to deal with the feelings that arise when that unit no longer exists. But I never did anything WRONG! We really loved each other, and that's what counts!

Margi aka Ladywolf

[tanbuck]

Ladywolf, thank you. I needed that!
-Donna

[madi]

Thanks for that Margi, this guilt thing seems to over-ride all other logic though doesn't it? Hugs

madi xx

[smokey/lady/max]

Thanks Margie I cant wait for it to be a thing in the past but for right now it is the present for me. I know we cant change the past but for some reason when the pain is so bad you tend to live in the moment,time just seems to stand still. You tend to relive that awful day over and over. All I can think about is the what ifs and why didn't I. Our minds really can play tricks on our hearts. I have always been a beleiver that the day we are born our day to go is already etched no matter where we are. But for some reason I cant help blamming myself for my max who looked for me to take care of him. As his mom I should have acted and noticed things that I now know where signs. We should no our kids rather they be furkids or 2 legged. But thank you for shareing your heart felt story.
God Bless
Anna

[ladywolf]

Thanks Margie I cant wait for it to be a thing in the past but for right now it is the present for me. I know we cant change the past but for some reason when the pain is so bad you tend to live in the moment,time just seems to stand still. You tend to relive that awful day over and over. All I can think about is the what ifs and why didn't I. Our minds really can play tricks on our hearts. I have always been a beleiver that the day we are born our day to go is already etched no matter where we are. But for some reason I cant help blamming myself for my max who looked for me to take care of him. As his mom I should have acted and noticed things that I now know where signs. We should no our kids rather they be furkids or 2 legged. But thank you for shareing your heart felt story.
God Bless
Anna

Dear Anna--Oh please, find a way to give yourself a break from the guilt. It'll eat you up inside until you are nothing BUT your guilt!

Consider this idea: it's commonly accepted that there are five stages of grieving, adapted from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's work: Denial, Guilt, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I believe that we start moving through and among these stages as soon as we realize that a loved one is in trouble and MIGHT die. That means that we can be in denial big-time while they are sick, and not pick up on signs that we later see very clearly when we are in guilt or depression. If we're in denial, then we can miss cues that we might not miss if we're in, say, acceptance. We know something is wrong, and our whole world turns upside down, and we don't behave totally rationally.

Also consider that most death situations are messy, both human and animal. Few get to die in their sleep without skipping a breath until the final one, with Cala Lillies in a vase next to the bed and all of our loved ones gathered around, with soft music playing and candles burning. Death is usually kind of ugly--it was for Poppers this morning (see my other thread), though it was also a huge relief when she passed. I was finally catching some sleep when she died. I could feel guilty for that one, but I choose not to. I had been there for her all night before that, and I was exhausted...

"If only" is a phrase devised solely to use to beat ourselves up. It serves NO other purpose! Suppose your animal had outlived you--would you want he or she to be sitting around saying "if only I had..." in relation to things that he or she did or did not do before you died? Of course not--that would be insane. Yet we club ourselves with "if only..." and "what if..."

Please find a way to show gentleness to yourself--the same kind of gentleness that you would just naturally give to a furry, feathered, or scaly friend!

Hugs--Margi

[smokey/lady/max]

Thanks Margi for your so kind words. I wish I could find it in my heart to accept my decission that I made that awful day.

Anna