I Feel So Lost And Empty, I miss my soulmate Options

[AngelCareOne]

Hi Sonya and Jan. So glad you like the image I made. Sonya, I was inspired not only by the photo but also by all you've said about Brutus in all your posts so far. That includes the part where you said, "Radar comes walking into the kitchen with fancy victoria secret bra/panties." Doug's sister's doing. Sure wish I'd been there. Of course, I couldn't resist when you said, "Doug used to dress Brutus in one of his old Steeler Football T-shirts during games and Brutus would wear it through the whole game." And ...

Say, ya know that Brutus is way too sexy for that.

Here's the original version of "I'm Too Sexy" from 1992 ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vziUC1IT0wo

Now, this is a newer video and has scantily clad sexy backup dancers. It's still fine to post here as there's nothing lewd about it in the least. However, one might not want to let young eyes see them ladies shaking their booties. Just sayin' so ya'll will know and here it is ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q75gREOjyFI

This one is perfect to show kids and it's the one I thought about when I made the image.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gcbsy5SiCIo

Again, I'm so pleased you like it!

Many Comforting Hugs to you both and your Angel Fur Kids!!!



Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

[madi]

Cool is the word and cool is the dude. Brutus looks absolutely adorable in those goggles Sonya. Would love to see some of Radar in Victoria's undies. Oh and I have just noticed the Viking hat, you can see by his demeanour that he was a very loving dog. Thanks for sharing, I love looking at all the beautiful angel baby pics on this forum.

madi xx

[janika]

Hi Sonya

Hope you are ok. Been thinking of you and thought you would like to see my Tasha in her shades.
Love and hugs

Jan x

[Brutus]

Hi everyone...Dottie I always did like that song, it's definately a feel good song.

oh Jan...what a hoot...I do believe Tasha is "smiling" in that pic! Her fur is gorgeous...do they require alot of brushing?

I've been doing fairly well, getting better...at least I thought so. Doug tells me last night (3 week anniversary of losing Brutus)...that he hates to see me in this haze I've been in...I admit at times I'm there, but I didn't think I was "that" bad...he says I'm not myself yet, that I don't laugh enough and have been ignoring Radar and Tanga at times. I've really been trying hard to not be a "downer"...I even put up a little Christmas tree at the week-end house. I guess I'm just not totally ready to let go yet. I still do cry alittle every day, but I'm able to control it...and only really let it out when I'm alone. It just hasn't been enough time yet. I do see what he's saying about not paying enough attention to Radar and Tanga...so last night I made it a point to get on the floor with them and roll around and play and Doug joined in...I enjoyed it, but I did feel like I was trying too hard. I just need alittle more time....that's all just more time.

I did hit a deer yesterday on the way to work at 5am in the morning...pretty much totalled my car that I just made the last payment on in October...figures. Two hours late for work and had to call a friend to come get me, I am fine though, airbag did not go off so that's good...I'm sure I would of lost control of the car if it had. Insurance will cover it to be fixed or total it, if they total it, I will have to buy another car with another payment...so send me good thoughts that they'll fix it. I was so looking forward to not having a car payment for a year or two. I don't care much about what I drive as long as the motor is reliable since it's almost 60miles one way for me to work. This motor was reliable and I liked this car...who can not like a car that is paid for and still looks good...well...did look good.

Well, I hope you all are doing well and want to say I so appreciate all of you...you have helped me so much get through this terrible time of my life...you are all angels...I look forward everyday to reading your posts...would be really neat if we could all meet in person wouldn't it? I bet we'd get in trouble though...lol.

Hugs to all and kisses to my pooh-man...your Mommy loves you.

[janika]

Oh thank goodness you are ok Sonya, sorry to hear about the deer and the car, whatever next eh! The main thing is that you weren't injured.

I'm glad you liked the photo of Tasha in her shades. Yes she does look to be smiling , probably thinking, 'here we go again, next comes the sunhat... whatever !!!' She loved it really.

I have put my tree up . I wasn't going to but then , I thought, whatever will the grandchildren think if Nannijanni doesn't 'do' Christmas. So I got my act together and up went the tree and trimmings, tears rolling down my cheeks, Oh dear. Felt dreadful, just kept thinking, this time last year..............
It does look pretty. I've got a beautiful angel on the top that reminds me of Dottie(bit more discretely dressed- no corset).She has lovely wings that light up, not quite as big as Dotties.
I am afraid there are no animals (other than my Angels) in my life now. Maybe next Spring there might be the patter of furry paws again, hopefully. Need to be free to help with the new grandchild(due early February) as my Daughter wants me to move in for a couple of weeks, so not the right time now to bring a puppy home. Will give me a bit more time as well to sort my head (and heart) out.
Well must go now as it's well past midnight here in Uk.
Thinking of you.
Love Jan xx

[madi]

Wow Sonya, glad you're ok, like you really needed that. I live in an area that is rife with kangaroos and it is impossible to miss them when they decide to hop across the road in front of you. I don't know about deer, but kangaroos just bound straight into you before you even know they're there. They have absolutely no road sense whatsoever and they are so damned big. I feel so sorry for you especially since you have just paid the car off, they are so expensive and cost a fortune to run.
Sonya, it's only 3 weeks since you lost your dear Brutus and it is little wonder you are not being yourself yet. Men don't like you not being yourself, my husband is a very kind man who helps me heaps, he's the best, but after a while he didn't like me not being myself, he wanted the old me back. I think men feel insecure or something when we women are not giving them our full attention. You can't rush it though, I went through all the stages you describe, like not paying attention to the other animals, crying every single day, some days all day, being down, but trying to appear normal in front of people who thought I was nuts. Faking it just does not work, grieving takes as long as it takes. You will be able to cope in time, I am now, still have that hole in my heart, but I can enjoy playing with my dogs and have fun with them again and I have a cat here that I'm showering with love and I'm getting that love back, even though she's not mine and I may lose her one day. If you're ever in Australia Sonya, I would be happy to meet up with you. Now let me see, what would we talk about? Oh yes, pets, pets and more pets. Take care.

madi xx

[madi]

Tasha looks so cool Jan, she was such a beauty and she looked so happy, as I'm sure she was with you and she's so "WHITE" Hope you have a good day. Hugs.

madi xx

[Brutus]

My dear Pooh-man...It's been almost a month and I still miss you so much. Yesterday I heard a song on the radio...Willie Nelson's Always on my mind...and I totally lost it....you ARE always on my mind. I was looking through some photos of you and wanted to post some more for my friends on the forum.

You and Radar lounging on the deck up at camp:


...and you...doing what you love...swimming:


Hugs and kisses to you my sweet boy.

I don't know why this pics came out so small...guess I still don't totally know what I'm doing.

[Brutus]

Today was alittle rough...took Tanga into the vets for his rabies shot..once there an older shephard came in..you could tell he was old and tired..he was limping as well..with him were what I assumed Mother and Daughter..Daughter was around 14 maybe...I could tell instantly when I looked into that young girls face what was about to happen. I was crushed. Vet took us in the room and shut the door for Tanga's shot..first words out of my mouth...are they here for euthanasia? He confirmed and I felt terrible and started crying. He and I talked about how I was doing and he tried to be cheerful. We came out of the exam room and that young beautiful girl was holding her dogs face while tears streamed down her face...I so wanted to run over and hug her but it wasn't my place or time to interfere...it was so sad..I wanted to help so bad..to talk to her..to hold her while she cried..but I didn't know her and again didn't want to interfere with her last time with her beloved. I been crying off and on all day...for all of you...for Brutus..for that young girl. I wish I had here phone number, I would invite myself over to her house and cry with her and try to comfort her....sad day.

I so miss you Brutus..

Love,
Mom

[madi]

Oh how sad, I'm crying for all of you and that gorgeous darling baby on his last journey, it just breaks my heart. Love your photos of Brutus and Radar too, beautiful dogs, labs are real water babies aren't they? Hugs

madi xx

[janika]

Oh Sonya, yes I too wish I could reach into here and give you a hug, all of my dear friends on here. That poor family will be going through their own nightmare now, we must all send them our love and support through our Angels.They will be looking after the darling dog on his journey, he won't be suffering now, bless him .
Sorry I haven't posted much the last few days, been having a very down period again. Lots of crying and aching , seems to come and go in big waves. I had my darling Grandson (6 at Christmas) here for the day yesterday, and he so cheers me up, although he heard a dog barking and he said, 'Nanni that doggy hasn't died like Noushka' Bless him that set me off again, then he felt bad because he'd thought he'd made me cry..... oh dear. He is such a sweetheart. He said he misses her a lot, so I pulled myself together for his sake, little darling. Then when he left I got Noushkas favourite toys from her food cupboard, her bally and ropey, and I hugged and kissed them and sobbed and sobbed. Oh dear Sorry, bet I'm not doing a lot to cheer you all up.
I thought of you all , and came on here and posted my pic of Tasha and Noushka on my thread, that made me feel better. It does help me when I manage to upload a photo of them. Just to know that you can all see my darlings gives me a lot of comfort.
Yes Sonya, it would be lovely for us all to meet up. Maybe Florida eh. Not sure how far that would be for our Madi. You never know, maybe one day .......Don't panic Dottie Angel, we'll give you plenty of notice, ha.

Hope everyone has a 'good' day today.
Lots of love and hugs
Jan and my angels xx

[AngelCareOne]

Today was alittle rough...took Tanga into the vets for his rabies shot..once there an older shephard came in..you could tell he was old and tired..he was limping as well..with him were what I assumed Mother and Daughter..Daughter was around 14 maybe...I could tell instantly when I looked into that young girls face what was about to happen. I was crushed. Vet took us in the room and shut the door for Tanga's shot..first words out of my mouth...are they here for euthanasia? He confirmed and I felt terrible and started crying. He and I talked about how I was doing and he tried to be cheerful. We came out of the exam room and that young beautiful girl was holding her dogs face while tears streamed down her face...I so wanted to run over and hug her but it wasn't my place or time to interfere...it was so sad..I wanted to help so bad..to talk to her..to hold her while she cried..but I didn't know her and again didn't want to interfere with her last time with her beloved. I been crying off and on all day...for all of you...for Brutus..for that young girl. I wish I had here phone number, I would invite myself over to her house and cry with her and try to comfort her....sad day.

I so miss you Brutus..

Love,
Mom

Oh no, Sonya. How awful for you with your Angel Fur Kid having passed still so fresh and raw in your mind, heart and soul. That's the last thing in the world you needed to be privy to when taking your fur kid Tanga in for his rabies shot. I am so very sorry.

Even if nothing had happened to your soulmate, you're just like Madi, Jan, myself and a bunch of us fur and feather kid parents. So compassionate, caring and loving to all creatures great and small. Always remember what a wonderful person and fur kid Mommy you are!

Bless your heart of gold!

I'm gonna go fetch a photo of me that I know will cheer you up then come back ...

Here I go. Be back as soon as possible >>> Please hang in there. Big Hugs!!!

Lotsa Love to you and your precious Angel Fur Kid Brutus!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

[AngelCareOne]

Hi Sweet Sonya. Here's a guessing game for you. Please take a look at the photo ...



That is my face at age 45, but whose body? I'd feel like a real "ogre" if I didn't give you a few hints. They made two sequels to this highly acclaimed original blockbuster film from 2001 and the main character is still very popular and famous to this date as well as at least three other "actors" from "the swamp." It is not Disney but is a Dreamworks production. My body in this photo is not the main character and the "person" that I am portraying did not have any parts at all in the other two movies that followed. That's most likely because this "person" was eaten by a fire breathing dragon during their wedding in the first movie.

Who am I? And yes, I'll give more hints if anyone wishes.

Big Hugs and Lotsa Love to you and your Angel Fur Kid Brutus!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

[Brutus]

Dottie...I definately didn't know...I cheated and did alittle googling...is "googling" a word?

Anyhow I won't give the name of the film...in case I'm right to see if anyone else can guess.

You are very pretty too!

.
.
.
.

Today at 5pm makes 4 weeks since Brutus left. I have been doing much better until last night when I cried myself to sleep for the first time in 2 weeks.

Big Ben

I went to the pet store yesterday to get some new nylabones and toys for Tanga and Radar...they were getting low...they are rough on thier toys...but hey that's what they are for. I felt so guilty buying them things...I used to always buy 3 nylabones and/or 3 new toys when I stocked up on new ones and it was wierd only buying 2. Brutus never chewed on the nylabones anymore but I would always buy 3 so I could hand him something when I gave Tanga and Radar thiers....Tanga or Radar always ended up claiming it eventually. Toys the same thing...Brutus had his couple favorites and I would always buy him new ones and he would play with it for about 5 minutes and go back to his favorite...a brown bear named "Big Ben". Tanga and Radar never touched Big Ben. Big Ben went to sleep with Brutus everynight for the past 10 years. He loved that bear, if he didn't have it in his bed he would pace and look for it. I would have to get out of bed sometimes and go find it. When we went anywhere overnight, Big Ben came with. That stuffed bear has been all over America. Only replaced Big Ben once about 5 years ago. I could never find another after that, I found similiar ones, but no they were not Big Ben and Brutus never took to them. So I sewed Big Ben so many times he barely looked like a bear anymore...it wasn't even a dog toy, it was a stuffed animal from Gander Mountain (sporting store). I did find a white one exactly like Big Ben at Gander Mountain that was named Polar One (Polar one is a fix for an arrival into an airport...lol...remember I'm an Air Traffic Controller). Anyhow...Polar One became Brutus' 2nd fav toy...when he didn't have Big Ben in his mouth, he had Polar one. Polar One does sit on Brutus' shelf with him. Big Ben went with Brutus, which was a hard decision for me to make...2nd hardest to make, you all know the first. Big Ben went with Brutus to the vets that last day...and was at his feet when he passed. I wanted to keep that bear in the worst way...It was so hard to leave it with him, but would of been so hard to take it at the same time. It was THE toy for him, I wanted to be selfish and keep it, but I didn't, Big Ben got creamated along with his Buddy Brutus. I think about that bear ALOT, 2nd only to Brutus.

I still feel like there is such a large hole in my heart. I'm jealous of my hubby...Radar is his soul doggie and he still has him...I know that's not fair...someday he is going to be going through the same torture that I am...I mean he misses Brutus terribly but it's not quite as hard for him as it is for me.

I have noticed Radar doing something that Brutus used to do. Brutus always layed at the open bathroom door when I was getting ready...always...since the day I got him. Radar started doing that a couple weeks ago...at first I was almost "mad" at him for that...that was Brutus' spot. Then I thought, well maybe Brutus is telling him to lay there to comfort me...maybe a silly thought, but it was a thought. Radar also stares at me alot lately the past couple weeks...he will come over to me and nudge me with his nose to pet him...he has done that before, but now he does it constantly. I know I should be paying more attention to him, but it's hard. I think he is trying to comfort me...even though I'm not crying constantly, he knows how sad I am. It is funny, Brutus was not a loveable dog...he didn't like to be petted or made over much...only at bedtime. But he did follow me everywhere...I mean everywhere.

I so want that hole filled in my heart...I miss being needed like Brutus needed me. Just feeling alittle sad today on this 4 week anniversary. I really thought this forum would just be a pit stop for me, maybe a week or two. I'm surprised I'm still here. Very surprised. But anyhow, sorry for Rambling.

I haven't been on much the past couple days so haven't posted on anyones topic the past couple days, just know I do read them all but can't always find the words to post on them. I'm thinking of all of you and send you cyber hugs.

Brutus' Mom

[janika]

Sonya

Been thinking about you a lot and wondering how you've been doing. I've had a few bad days too and didn't feel able to post on here for a while, just kept reading everyones stories.Think I'm back again, but the sadness and depression comes in massive waves which completely render me incapable of thinking straight, let alone writing anything that makes sense. There's so much I want to say to people to make their pain go away.
It will be a hard day for you today. I'm sure Brutus is in touch with Radar and getting him to do some of the physical things he used to do to give you comfort. Brutus is so definitely with you, that is his way of comforting you , and Radar too of course.
I hope you get through the day in the best way you can.

Sending love and hugs
Jan and my Angels xx

[Brutus]

Thanks Jan. I've been holding up ok today. Of course thinking about him even more than normal. I was going through my photobucket account more and found some pics of him (and Radar) I wanted to share with you all...

Brutus and Radar modeling mini horse halters:


Brutus and Radar watching Dad catch a fish:


Brutus relaxing on the boat:


Miss you so much Brutus

[AngelCareOne]

[Brutus]

Dottie - thanks for the smile and laugh...that's priceless.

...and the movie...is it Shrek?

[AngelCareOne]

You're very welcome, Sweet Sonya. I sure hoped it would put a smile on your face. Awww!

Yep. The movie is Shrek. Congratulation! But, you haven't told me who I am yet.

I sure do hope you have a better day today. These holidays without our Angel Fur and Feather kids are hell. Please pardon my potty mouth. Say, when you get the chance, please go to the Cyber Shoulder room and see the thread that our Administrator here at LS - Mr. Cohn - made for the holidays. Well, ya know I got a whole bunch of fur kid Seasons Greetings images so I immediately resized, enhanced and added text to contribute. I sure hope everyone loves the pooches in the snow, Santa resting with all kinds of kitties and doggies nuzzled up on his lap, shoulder, in his arms and so on. Both are animated.

Of course, I had to put a Rudolf emote at the bottom with flashing Christmas lights in his antlers and glitter presents around him. Oh, I sure do hope that will make you smile, too. Take care and will talk atcha later. Big Hugs to you and Angel Fur Kid Brutus!!!



Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

[Brutus]

Hi Dottie..thanks so much for everything..you really are an angel. I've got some pics of Brutus with some reindeer antlers on..I'm going to have to find them for that post you are talking about.

Last night was total and complete hell...I was outside smoking a cancer stick (I know nasty terrible habit, that I plan on quiting soon..just can't right now...can't give up everything I love you know)...I kept seeing his face everywhere in the dark...wishing, hoping...I bawled like a baby...staying away from my husband..he doesn't like it...it's not like he doesn't understand because he does, he loved Brutus so much too..but he wants me back to my old happy go lucky self...or frankly he can't function. He relies on me to show him how to act.. so after a couple weeks I've been hiding...hiding what reminds him/me of Brutus...I know he is hurting too and I do bring it up occassionaly and he says.."please don't cry anymore I can't handle it"....and he can't handle it. It was the first time I saw him cry...in 15 years (through deaths and miscarriages)...was when we helped Brutus over the Bridge. I just don't know...I am rambling now...all I know is what I wouldn't give to kiss that grey speckled muzzle just one more time. Just one more time...ugghh...

Every night when we went to bed I would go over to the pooh-man and smell his feet...lol..I'd. say"ewww, pooh tinky" and he would growl at me and lick my face all while his tail was wagging....what I wouldn't give to smell those stinky feet again. I don't know why he would growl when you smelled his feet, but he did...although he never had a mean bone in his body. When Brutus had an episode of IBS (I will call it that since we never really did know what happened with him..pooping, peeing, and throwing up blood)..he was at my local vet after going to MSU ($2,000 trip) , great vet tech named Barb was so scared of him for some reason and it wasn't long that she was so "hooked" to him...The Vet (Dr. Kline) said Barb had her first 'real' connection with an animal here at the clinic with Brutus...Barb was there when Brutus went to the bridge..and she cried and hugged him with us...I was very lucky to have people there who really knew him...The vet that helped Brutus over had been his vet for almost 12 years of his 13..curing him of mast cell cancer twice, and many other things along the way....anyhow I wish I had the smell of pooh feet permanetly ingrained in my nostrils...I really do...they did stink bad though...but a smell I would give up my right hand to have right now...rambling again I am.

When I had my first miscarriage I was married almost exactly a year...I was devestated...We got Brutus...had my second when Brutus was about 9 months old...and then again when Brutus was about 1 1/2 yr old...that dog laid on the floor and actually cried with me and licked the tears from my face...he was my rock...what do I do now? I know I will move on and survive...but I want him here...I want him here...I NEED HIM! He was MY CHILD...the one I could never have...and now the one I am not allowed to keep.

I still hide from life alittle but am getting better...I am almost never the first one home from work anymore...afterall what is there to come home to?

I will always love Brutus...always...I don't think there will ever be another...and I've decided that this will be my last sad post about him...because I can't do it anymore...I'm going to try so hard to move on but yet never forget him...never...

Thanks to all who have read this.

Hugs to you all who are in pain...my heart bleeds with you,
Brutus' Mom