My Baby Girl Left Me This Week, Ughh!, sorry, it's long one Options

[mynutmeg]

Thanks so much Flossie's mom!!

Today was one of those more difficult days, started crying again thinking about my baby:( I am going out of town tomorrow for a few days and having a rough go of it, I will be moving soon and feel guilty for leaving my child but I can't exactly dig her up & take her with me and she is where she spent the majority of her life..I guess since I am leaving all the emotions are coming to a boiling point and thinking back to before she passed away anticipating my buddy making the move with me so at least we would have each other in the new town but now it's just me and leaving her behind! I plan to get back a couple times next year for business and plan to check on her and the pink pampas grass. It will be gut-wrenching actually driving off this island for good but I have to take care of myself now.

I know what you mean by the struggle of waiting too long or too soon ? I know now in my heart I waited too long but I was selfish- it was just her & I for almost 19 years damn it! There was no way I could have taken her to the vet "feeling good" to put her out, I know she suffered some and I selfishly wanted her to die at home so I wouldn't have to put her through the trauma of the vet- she hated the Vet's office. A good friend of mine has had to put 2 springer spaniels down and she felt one was too early and the other was too late. I don't know of one person who says it was the "right time"

Nutmeg, I will check in 10/21 for our 4th week conversation since you left. Love you & miss you so much...talk to you everyday!

[mynutmeg]

Hi Baby Girl,
Today marks 4 weeks that you have been gone! I am headed back home today and will be thinking about you during the drive. It's hard to believe that is has been 1 month while it seems like it was just yesterday that I was waking up with you next to me with that soft gray fur and other times it feels like you have been gone forever. I don't like having to start over without you but I have to be strong and knowing your still in my heart & everyday thoughts gets me through somehow!!

Alright Baby Girl...I have to get on the road! Love you, will be home tonight.
Mama

[mynutmeg]

I don't know what's going on but last 2 days I have been crying uncontrollably again, I am thinking about my baby non-stop and going through all the thoughts of "why did I allow the suffering" as if it was yesterday! Do these moments just creep up on you without notice ? I feel like an emotional basket case right about now. Anyway I have been on here a lot reading posts & trying to console myself all over again.

Sorry Baby Girl...I was selfish and I am so remorseful
Miss you terribly,
Mama

[tanbuck]

Those days do creep up on you. I know exactly what you mean. I just wrote in my own journal yesterday that I feel like I'm going backwards in my grieving process. It seems out of nowhere that I just cry for my Frasier. And I've been doing the whole guilt thing again too. Thinking back to before he was even sick - trying to figure out a way to blame myself. It's just horrible but I feel like I have to do it.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way too.

[mynutmeg]

Thank you Tanbuck and I am sorry that you are feeling the same as me because it hurts terribly and hate that anyone else has to feel this way. I thought I would keep moving forward but last 2 days have been a huge leap backwards and I don't know why...it just came out of left field and the guilt crept back. I have been writing more in my journal to her to help ease the anguish I am feeling. What a rough time...never thought it would be this bad in a million yrs...or at least I always thought that when she was alive, but it's not like that when they are really gone:(

[mynutmeg]

Week 5 Baby Girl...just checking in to say how much I miss you & love you!! Think about you all the time.

Sad Mama:/

[mynutmeg]

Hi Baby Girl, Week 6 and checking in....just got back into town again...unfortunately it's easy for me to leave town nowadays, I don't have to worry about you, how long I would be gone, is the sitter going to take care of you just the way I would, etc... I still think about you every day, most days are pretty good and some are still pretty bad (especially when I talk about you with others~still get teary-eyed).

Kisses,
Mama

[mynutmeg]

Hi Baby Girl, week 7...can't believe it! It seems like so long ago since I could pick you up and love you and smell that silky grey fur...miss you terribly. We are in for 3 days of rain...I know your favorite. You would never venture outside in the rain but sure like to lap it up off the steps when it stopped. I have a temp move this weekend then the big one, you certainly would not be happy to see all the boxes and suitcases. You always dreaded seeing the suitcase come out because you knew what that meant, Me leaving!

Love you more than you will ever know,
xoxo Mama

[mynutmeg]

Hi Lovebird,

It's been 2 months now and I just can't believe it!!!! I have moved temporarily and hate that everything is in storage. I don't have any reminders of you at all and feel as if you'll be packed away forever. I still think about you all the time and miss you like crazy and would give anything to have you back in my arms. Animals need to live longer than they do...I know that sounds selfish since I had you longer than most. Off on another biz trip.

Hugs and kisses Baby Girl
Mama

[mynutmeg]

Hi Baby Girl,
Sorry for the delay this week but I got wrapped up in the holiday's and busy packing. We are at the 9 week mark, although sometimes it feels like 9 months and other times 9 days ago. The deep pain is easing somewhat and when I mention you in conversation or think about when I am alone, it's mostly good thoughts & memories, so hopefully I can stay on track and keep moving forward with fewer break-downs. It's a little easier to be around other kitty's now but I am still not ready to adopt another just yet....

I am sorry you were not here for Thanksgiving, you loved turkey and the whipped cream off the pumpkin pie and with Christmas around the corner -I don't know what I will do without being able to put up your stocking and buy you new catnip toys. I don't believe in cloning but wish I had "another you" here with me right now. I will check on your pink pampas grass plant before I leave!

Loved you more than anything 8)
Mama

[madi]

Well mama, I was against cloning initially, but then again I was against a lot of things until they affected me personally. My son kept Ulriich's baby teeth and I have them in a jar and if I were rich, I would clone him in an instant. I think Christmas is going to be difficult for a lot of us this year, but I will be thinking of you and all my mates here and with our combined strengths and support for each other, we might just get through this. Hugs to you mama.

madi xx

[Brutus]

Hugs to you Mama and Madi...thinking about everyone on the forum today. Hang in there all..we can get through this together.

Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

[mynutmeg]

Thanks Brutus & Madi!!!!

It will be difficult but time, being on this forum & heartfelt memories can keep us strong. I send my cyber {{{hugs}}} to you both.

Brutus' Mom, my brother has a white lab...about 9 now with same name, well same first name...love the "midnight gunsmoke". Labs are wonderful dogs, and if he was anything like most...he was 90% human and 10% doggy:)

Thinking of everyone who has lost a furchild today!

[Brutus]

I also have 2 friends with dogs named Brutus, one is a yellow lab and the other a boxer, both younger than my Brutus too. When we would hang out with them and you said "Brutus"...you'd have 3 dogs coming at ya...lol.

Yes, Brutus definately thought he was human and he thought he owned me (well he did I guess). My husband could not look me in the face while he talked to me or Brutus would bark hysterically... and forget my husband trying to hug me (or anyone else for that matter)...Brutus would bark like crazy and wedge between me and the hugger...yes, he definatley thought he was human.

Hope you are having a good day today,
many hugs,
Brutus' Mom

[mynutmeg]

Baby Girl,

Mama here. Its very windy & rainy and thinking about you on this evening and how gut wrenching this same evening was 10 weeks ago on 9/23. I think about you all the time and hope that you have forgiven me for making you suffer..okay so now I am tearing up again darn it! Would ya do me a favor, not that I deserve it but there is a pretty orange kitty that goes by the name of Frasier, he has a huge heart and very friendly, I know I am asking a lot because you were not real affectionate but could you find him & give him a hug. I keep your picture in my wallet so I can look at you whenever I am wishing your beautiful face was around the corner.

Miss your soft fur next to me
Mama

[mynutmeg]

Hard week baby girl, Mama has moved and now I feel even more "re-moved" from you and guilty for leaving, UGHH! I know it's just your fury body in the ground but I still feel tormented that I have left. I am glad I still have your basket with all your pictures, journal and blanket.

11 weeks now.....it's so quiet in this new place and I don't like it but I can't bring you back and I am not ready for another yet.

Luv you lots
Mama

[mynutmeg]

Hi Baby Girl,
Week 12/day late. Christmas is coming and I see all the fun pet toys around the stores and can only try and pass them by as fast as possible to avoid the sadness, I try my best to avoid the pet food isle at the grocery store too! I will be glad when time can heal the wounds that are hard to heal so that I can give my heart to another.

Miss you so much Baby Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mama

[mynutmeg]

Merry Christmas my baby girl!!!!!!!!!!
Hoping that the giant tree with a million ornaments, bones, pig ears and tinsel for all the kitty's and puppy's up there will make this day as special as it was for you when you were here with all of us. I will be thinking about you all day my love.

Mama

[Brutus]

Merry Christmas Mama and Nutmeg.

Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

[mynutmeg]

Hi Baby Girl, Week 14 here since you have been gone.....

Just think if you could have made it til now, we could have been celebrating your 19th Birthday! You would like the new home, lots of trees and birds.
I think about you all the time and miss you so much, time has helped and I am at least okay around other animals now. Well, just wanted to write you a little weekly note to let you know I am thinking about ya.

Love,
your Mama