9 Days And I'm Still A Basket Case, I want Sparky back so bad, my arms ache Options

[TrishB68]

Hello Everyone ,

I was told I could come here and talk whenever I needed to. I am not normally the type of person who airs her problems and feelings for that matter. I was raised to deal with and work out anything that comes your way and not ask for the help of anyone. I just don't feel I can do that right now, I really need HELP.

I just can't deal with losing my buddy. Sometimes I wish that I could have gone with him and then I think about my kids. If I went with him then who would stay here with them? But my heart is acheing so so mcuh I just can't stand it.

[FONT=Times] I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs "WHY, this was not fair, you had no right! You have to reconsider and give my baby back! This is how I felt and what I said to God when he took my daughter 2 weeks before I adopted Sparky. At times I actually feel as if I am crazy or something. I love my kids to death but right now I just don't feel up to being a Mom. Is this normal?

Am I really going insane, am I over reacting? I really can't stand when people say, you have 3 beautiful children, why don't you focus on them they are people and they are here and need you. If it means that much to you to have a dog then go and get another one. This really gets to me when uncaring people say this. I say to myself, "well, they just don't know the love an animal can give to you so they can't possibly understand". I say this to myself so that I don't snap at the people. Then others say, they didn't mean any harm, they were only trying to help!. GRRRRRR Has this happened to other people? Please let me know how you deal with it.

The pain has to get better with time, this I hope. The world is not going to stop just because I feel terrible that I lost my best friend. The days will still rise up and the nights will still glow softly outside but you know that inside your little world, it isn't the same at all. It has changed very much so for the worse and you can't do a thing about it.Thank you for lettling me dump on all of you. All of you are so nice. Thank you again for being so supported.
Trish

[karen424]

Trish,
People that say those hurtful things to you just don't have a clue....you're feelings of grief are real, don't let them
make you feel like you're crazy for feeling this way. There are grief counselors for helping to cope with these
out of control feelings you are experiencing. I know that everyone deals with the loss of a pet differently, but I feel that
the correlation between loosing your baby and adopting Sparky are making this much worse for you. Perhaps loosing Sparky is bringing back the pain of loosing your daughter all over again - only double this time. And having people tell you insensitive things is only compounding the grief because they are making you feel you have to put a time limit on how long is acceptable to grieve. Pets are our family members too. I had people say things like that to me too when I lost Buster. And most of the time I just looked them straight in the eye and said "I loved him, he was my child and this pain is REAL and if you don't understand that then don't talk to me about it". That would usually shut them up. And the few that didn't know when to shut up I just walked away from.

You just keep coming here Trish and pour your heart out - we are here to listen - we understand - we have felt and are still feeling the same pain and grief.

Please let us know how you are doing, okay?

Love,
Karen

ps - your Avatar of Sparky is absolutely beautiful!

[MAXIESMOMMY]

Hi Trish
Yes, this is also the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My heart is just breaking also. But, it has been three weeks for me. Some days I am o.k. and others, (like yesterday), I feel like I'm losing my mind. Everyone says time makes you feel better and I am counting the days until it's 6 months from now. Maybe I can cope better then.
This isn't about me, so back to your problem. I was once one of those "petless people". They do not understand AT ALL. Even people with pets, who have not lost one, still don't understand. They are not being mean to you, or hurtful, they just don't understand. I was with my mom (the worst place I could possibly be) when I heard the news about my Max. She thought she was helping me, but she didn't understand at all. She said I would feel better if I took a shower. I've had many showers since then and still feel the same. The only places I find comfort is here and with other people who have gone through this devastation. People who have pets, but haven't lost them say "Oh, I know what you're going through" , but they really have no idea. I would try to comfort people when I had my Max when they had a loss, but I must admit, the extent of the devastation is beyond what you can imagine.
Please don't be angry at what people are saying. THEY JUST HAVE NO CLUE AT ALL. You are still a good mom. You are just a mom who is grieving a very big loss in her life right now.

Thinking of you,
Carol

[Steph]

Trish, when Luba died June 5th I really wanted to go with her. I felt that off and on for about six weeks. I could not sleep or eat much. When I did sleep I had nightmares about my very sick Luba. I was on sedatives day and night. In short, I was a total wreck.

How did I get through: I have one very supportive friend who I visited a fair amount. Also, I went to councelling. In fact, I am still in councelling, although I am going less now.

My advice to you would be: protect yourself from unsympathetic people as best you can. I don't know your situation, but try and talk to people who DO understand (like us here!). Also, if you can get yourself to a good councellor who is experienced in grief then do that. But the person has to be understanding about the situation otherwise it would make things worse.

Take care of yourself - Steph

[DJ - Edgar, Jess...]

You asked if you are "going insane"... Yes - we all go insane when we experience such intense grief. It's not a "sane" emotion. The depth of loss we feel isn't "rational" or "logical" - it's "insane". And that's OK!! We are built this way!!

You are right - your kids need you. Sparky would understand that. Ending a life would be a horrible tribute to the love Sparky felt for you. The best way to return that love now is to ensure that everyone around you KNOWS they are loved and KNOWS that you are here for THEM too. What would you do if you had five more minutes with Sparky? Think of that - and then DO those things with the people you love. Hug them, love them, laugh at and with them - and let them know that your heart is in their hands.

Yes, those other people - in their own somewhat clumsy way - are trying to help. They can see the pain, probably in your eyes, and are trying to help you ease it. The fact that they can't understand the pain themselves makes their effort to help a bit clumsy - but since they ARE trying, they deserve credit for that. WE understand you here - and will never belittle your loss.

But you know what I think? You world hasn't really changed. Something has left it, but your world is still the same. All of the things Sparky loved - and you loved - are still there. It's hard to see them right now, but they ARE there. Stars in the sky, birds in the trees, flowers - all the same. And Sparky is waiting somewhere beyond that - there's no hurry, no impatience - Sparky will wait until you finish up your tasks here with us and will be waiting for you when you are ready to leave.

If the one thing in the world that you want most is to give Sparky life - then why deny that to yourself?

And by the way sweetheart - you aren't "dumping" on us - you're sharing... it helps us just as much as it helps you.

[Arnold]

Trish - what everyone has said here is so true and not much I can add except to say that really - people who are not "pet people" truly are clueless. Some people in my life allowed I might feel bad for a day or two - but when 3 or 4 days later I was still not functioning all that well they thought I was nuts. I wasn't. Just very, very, very sad.

This weekend will be six weeks since my baby Arnold passed away and I have come a long way - you will too. But I still cry about him at least once a day; I still miss him terribly. I still talk to him in my head, visit his grave in the backyard, and kiss his picture good night before bed.

Insane? Maybe. But it works for me. You'll find what works for you. And it is really okay to be so grievous about losing your Sparky. Our "furbabies" are no less a part of our lives than are our children. What DJ said is also true, however - your world is still around you and you don't want to just abandon that completely. You may not be up to functioning at the level you normally function at, but keep trying. Your life will start to take shape again over time.

Keep talking here - it works wonders!

Nanci

[Sharon]

Hi Trish.
Just want to add my 2 cents. I have always been a pet person, but until I lost my Zoe 2 weeks ago today, I had NO IDEA of the depth of devastation felt by such a loss. I still cry every day and feel very lost. So, how can I expect my friends who have never been in my shoes to understand how I feel?

If we didn't care, didn't feel sadness at the loss of our best friend, then what was the value of that friendship? It was an invaluable friendship, so the depth of the pain is immeasureable. I am just trying to find some comfort in this very sad place.

My thoughts are with you.
-Sharon

[gingerspal]

Dear Trish,
The truth is no one else can really feel your pain. WE can to some degree..because we are all here on a pet loss support board..but the rest of the world is operating within their own "universe". When they hear of someone's pet passing they feel fairly neutral about it, because they weren't "invested" in your Sparky. I was very surprised when I was so upset about Ginger that my best friend kept going on about her garage sale!! Normally she is the most caring and understanding person in the world but when I was discussing the cir%%stances of Ginger's death (while helping her with her garage sale) all she could do was sort of fan a "that's too bad" at me once and awhile. I had to come here for all my solace (and thank goodness for that!) ...later my friend went back to normal and spent a good long couple of hours talking with me about everything Ginger related. I found out that she was feeling alot of pressure for her own reasons during the garage sale and her mind was on herself and her family.

Your friends and even your family do not share the same "history" that you had with Sparky. The best thing to do when you need a shoulder is come here or perhaps see a therapist (although I have heard some of them can be a bit like our un-understanding friends! so you would need to find one who works in pet loss).

I love what DJ wrote to you--about how that same love you have for Sparky should certainly not be denied to yourself! Right now more than ever you should treat yourself as well as you possibly can. However you could pamper yourself you should! If we were all with you in person we would give you a communal hug and cry with you. We know what this is like and we are on your side. Here you have permission to feel whatever you are feeling and you will not be admonished. Many people here have stated that their pet seemed MORE important than people! But I also agree with DJ ... Sparky would want you to continue to be involved with your family and not grieve so much that you cut them off in anyway. Grieving is definately an individual and personal process...and as in everything moderation is key! If it is one thing I have really learned it is that we can direct our thoughts! We can choose to look at what we lost or what we gained...In the beginning we MUST contemplate the loss..! As time goes on if we stay stuck in thoughts about the loss we are going to become seriously depressed for sure. Sparky would not approve!
{{{{{{{{{{{{TRISH}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Love,
Patti