I Am So Very Sad Options

[Jules02]

My story is long so please bare with me. I rescued my dog, Roman from the highway in May of 2004. He had ticks and fleas all over him. I found him in my home town visiting my mother. I took him to the police station and they said more than likey the animal control would put him to sleep. He became my dog that day!! I brought him to OKC where I live and took him to the vet to get him cleaned up and looked at. He had 2 tick blood diseases from being out on his own for so long. There were ticks all over him even between his toes. They gave antibiotics and we got started on heart worm prevention. They guessed he was 2 years old by looking at his teeth. They also determined he was half black lab and half ##er spaniel. He is sooooo cute. He weighed only 30 pounds when I found him and before he passed he was at least 55 pounds where he should be. I brought him home and he became the best dog, best friend anyone could ask for. I was coming out of a terrible relationship and felt broken. I feel like Roman and I were both broken and we put each other back together again. He was my shadow. I believe when you rescue a dog they know how lucky they are to have a home. He was so loyal and loving. Never once did he have an accident in the house. He only growled and barked when someone was around the house. Protecting me like only Roman could. (I named him Roman because he was roaming around when I found him....lol!) I got married in Nov 2005 to a wonderful man that Roman became to love just as much as I did. We discussed starting a family even tho Roman was our son and we treated him like he was. I became pregnant in late March of 2008. I found out I was excpecting twins. We were overjoyed and hoped Roman would love them as much as we would when they came. I ended up having some complications in my pregnancy and had to be on bed rest for 4 months before I delivered in Nov 08. Roman was at my side day and night. He slept with my husband and I anyway but, when I went on bedrest he would not leave my side except to go do his business outside. I know he knew I was pregnant! Fast forward to the babies coming home. I had a boy and a girl. My son had colic for the first 2 months and cried all the time. It drove us all crazy and I think it really made Roman nuts. He still cries but not as much as before. Roman has been fine and in good health I thought. We started our daily walks back up last week. He was fine. He did not show any sign of being sick. I woke up at 7am on 2/11 and Roman as usual was on our bed. I got up and went to the babies room and came back into the hall and saw Roman's legs buckle under neath him and he collapsed. He was dead instantly. I still have NO idea what happened. I was screaming my head off and begging God to not take him. I called my vet and they said it was more than likely a heart attack or a brain aneurysm. They asked if I wanted an autopsy and I said no. I did not want him cut open. I pulled myself together enough to find a pet cementary and that is where he is. We got a beautiful casket. I cannot understand WHY this happened. He was fine. The only thing I can think of is the night before we had some terrible weather and tornadoes. He hated storms and always hid and shook all over. I feel so much guilt that I could not comfort him like I wanted to. I have 2 babies to take care of and Roman always seemed to be third. I feel sooooo guilty right now. I now he hated the babies crying. He was my first child and he was spoiled. I know he was sad that he was not first anymore. It makes no sense to me that this has happened. Why so soon after the babies came home. I was so looking forward to them growing up with him. He was my world. I have become so depressed that my mom has taken off work to come here to help me with the babies. I do not feel like doing anything. I see and think I hear Roman all over the house. I am still in shock and I have been wearing his collar around my wrist. I cannot quit crying. I have read alot of the posts on this board and they have been so comforting. I hope I can come here and feel some sort of peace and comfort from all of you and try to put my life back together again. I just started a new normal with the babies and now I have to find another new normal without my Roman. It is too much too soon. I feel so overwhelmed. I miss my Roman dearly and just want him to come back home. Thank you for listening to my story.

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[LoveThem]

I feel so overwhelmed.

It has been less than a week when everything happened. Of course, you feel overwhelmed. That is exactly what happens when everything is so fresh. It is a feeling of overwhelming devastation and it is normal to feel that way.

I am so sorry about your loss. That is such a sweet picture of your boy and his toys. I can see why you miss him so. When such a loss comes so unexpectedly....it is even more devastating. I went through that with my boy, Little Guy, whose emergency came out of the blue. You had no clue of what was going to happen.

Your story of rescuing him was so sweet. If the vet thought he was about 2 years old at the time, I assume he was about 4 or 5 right now......young enough that we can't conceive of losing them at that age..so it comes as a shock. It sounds as though he went very quickly without suffering, and without you having to make the final decision we all dread when something goes wrong with our loved ones.

He was such a part of your life and he still is with you because his spirit now lives in your heart and his memories and love can never be taken away. It is the absence of the physical presence that hurts so very very much. We want to talk to them and hug them again and again.

It takes time for things to become more bearable. Eventually for me, I adopted a rescue cat so I could have that furbaby galloping through my home. He is not my boy but he needs a home and has love to give and deserves to be loved in return. If I can't have my boy back, my new one helps the physical longing I feel. I have pictures of my boy everywhere and that helps me also. I can tell him I am sorry it was his time to go but I am glad he is not suffering.

It's like a part of you is missing. And you don't know how to fill that emptiness. You have your husband and your new twins, and for some reason, it was Roman's time to leave. That's what I call the cruelty of life. But I feel there is a time these friends have to leave us, we don't know when, but when it comes....we will have no control over it...we can't stop it. All we can do is be grateful for whatever time we had with them. If it is not their time...then the vet has an answer for us and it works and we have more time. That's the only way it all makes sense to me.

One "Mom" here said something that helps me and has helped others to think about: She said:
The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him.

I hope that thought gives you some peace inside. This is not a grief we get over quickly but we deal with it one day at a time. We do what makes us feel better to do. If it is cry, we cry. If it is venting, we vent (usually by coming here and writing our thoughts and feelings).

Hugs to you and your family. You are not alone in your grief. We here all share the same pain and that is why we understand how you feel. We can only let you know what has helped each of us in our own way and maybe something that is said...will help you too.

Your boy is an Angel now and so he can watch over you and your family...24/7. Cause
that's what Angels do.

Judy

[von72]

oh gosh I'm so sorry for your loss. Reading your post made me cry. It must be so hard for you. There is nothing like that feeling of shock along with grief when they are gone so suddenly.
We lost our Jack suddenly too and the grief you feel is quite horrific.

But please stop feeling guilty if you can. From what you have written, you gave Roman the best life ever. I don't think anyone else could have loved him more. When you have a baby (or 2 in your case!) you have to put them first. Babies are far more dependent on us than pets and we have to meet their needs or they won't survive! What else could you do but put them first. It seems very clear that whilst doing that, you still made sure that Roman was loved and cared for. I know so many people who have totally forgotten about their pets once children came along and you clearly did not do this. Its so obvious from your post how much you loved him.

The problem is, no matter what we did, it is normal to feel guilt when we lose them. Its all part of grieving I think. When we lost Jack I felt tremendous guilt that I had been so stressed at work and not even spoken to him that morning. And I felt guilt that for years we had suffered infertility and I had been consumed by this instead of being grateful to have my first baby, Jack my dog.
But when I calmed down a bit I remembered how shortly before he died when I was stressed out, I said to him "Thank god for you Jack, what would I do without you" And I knew he knew how much I loved him.
These moments will come back to you too and you will know that Roman knew what he meant to you.

He is such a beautiful dog, I love the photo. He has the kindest face.

As you said, you are still in shock. Lean on your mum for a while and get all the help you can whilst you get through this.

take care
Von

[Jules02]

Thank You Love Them and Von 72 for replying. I am crying so hard right now. Your words mean the world to me. To know that you have other people that understand what you are going through somehow helps so much. Th thing I am struggling with so much is do you think Roman died of a broken heart because he was not #1 anymore. I know that sounds crazy but, he was adjusting like we all were to 2 new babies. I just could not stand it if he felt neglected and was hurt by that. I loved him so much and never ever thought he would go so soon. He was so scared the night before and I could not give hime the much needed attention he normally gets. I don't know. I think the babies crying all the time and the storm made him anxious. I am trying really hard not to think this way but, it just does not make sense that he would die so suddenly. He was so healthy I thought. I gave him the best dog food and hardly ever gave hime people food because I was trying to extend his life. Now I wish I would have given him steak everyday.

I am so sorry for your losses as well. I will read your posts. Thank you again for being there for me. Some people just do not get how hard this is to lose a pet. Roman was my son and a member of this family. Not everyone sees it that way.
Thank you again. I look forward to getting to know each of you.

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[moon_beam]

Hi, Jules02, please permit me to offer you my sincerst sympathies in the loss of your beloved Roman. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the cir%%stances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Your emotions are running exceptionally high right now because your body is adjusting to having recently given birth to your twin babies. The sudden loss of Roman by itself is emotionally draining, but it is being compounded by other physical adjustments. I am so glad your mom is there to help you with your twins while you make this physical and emotional adjustment to your life. Unfortunately the emotion of guilt is a part of the grief journey. Hopefully in time you will come to realize that you did the very best you could for Roman at all times and in all cir%%stances. There are many things that make our furkids very special to us. One of them is their understanding the changes in family dynamics, and patiently waiting for their "turn" in the attention circle. Roman's sudden death has nothing to do with the arrival of your precious twins. Your vet's assessment of an aneurysm or heart attack will hopefully help you to understand that these happen without warning signals - - and without symptoms there would not have been any need for any tests to determine heart disease or blood clots. And even with tests there would not have been any guarantee that any sign of illness would have been discovered. I wish there were some words that I could say that would help comfort you right now, but right now it is hard for a broken heart to feel comforted by "words." The good news is that you are not in this grief healing journey alone. Each of us here understands what it is like to lose a beloved companion, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Perhaps at some point in time you will want to do a memorial for Roman - - like a scrapbook or a garden or a service - - or a donation to the local humane society to honor Roman's memory. And hopefully in time you will come to know that Roman's sweet living Spirit is still with you - - that your relationship with him has only temporarily changed to a different dimension. Jules02, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[sissycat]

What a beautiful dog. You and Roman were so lucky to have found each other.
I too live in Ok and those were some pretty ugly storms. My cats did not like the weather last week either.

The pain is still really fresh right now. It is gonna take time. You had a long time together so you can't expect to be better overnight. Sounds like you took care of each of. Bet you have lots of good memories. Maybe someday when you feel like it you can share more with us.

Cry and vent all you want. It is part of this ugly healing process you have to go through.
Glad you found this sight. It has helped me so much!!!!!

Hugs to you and you Angel Roman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[LoveThem]

I absolutely love your new picture of Roman. What a handsome, handsome boy.

you said:
The thing I am struggling with so much is do you think Roman died of a broken heart because he was not #1 anymore.

I would say most definitely, the answer to that question is NO. I am positive.

And if you wonder how I can be positive, my answer is because Roman would never ever have felt he was not #1 because that's what "unconditional love" is all about. When you are loved as these babies love.....there can't be any negative thoughts in their minds because that kind of love doesn't even recognize such a thing. They only love....they are incapable of judging..unlike humans do.

I remember in your story you said: I was coming out of a terrible relationship and felt broken. I feel like Roman and I were both broken and we put each other back together again.

Sounds like you and he found each other at the right time in your lives and that created a special permanent bond that can never be broken.

As far as being #1 or not, I'll tell you a secret thought I have about these babies: I always have gotten the impression that no matter what is going on, they all really believe they are all #1 all the time, probably because they know how cute they are..and irresistible.

Your boy absolutely always felt love in your home. He may have had a weak heart or a blood clot as the doctor said...something you would not have known about.

I am so sorry about his loss. We truly want these sweethearts and best friends always for a lot longer than their time allows. And so, we are grateful they were a part of our lives, for we can't imagine how things would have been without them there...they complete us at the times we need that.

Take care ..... we are here and your family sounds beautiful.

Judy

[ann]

I am so deeply sorry for your sudden loss of Roman. I also have to agree with Judy that Roman did not die of a broken heart. He was very much loved and knew it. Don't blame yourself over the cir%%stances. Roman had unforseen health issues that no one could ever know about. These things also happens to us humans too. You gave him the best life which is all you and Roman could ever want.
The emptiness is so very hard. And wanting him to grow up with your children, never knowing the joy he would bring them, again very hard. But you were given a special gift of his love to hold onto forever. Roman will always be with you and although you didn't have him very long I'm sure you'll have lots of fun bed time stories of him to tell your children. He's so cute, I can understand taking him home even with his luggage of fleas. Please post as often as needed. I hope this site helps with your healing..Many hugs.. Ann

[Jules02]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Moon Beam thank you so much for your words. I am sure my emotional, mental and physical health is still recuperating. I know a pet dying is never the right time but, I honestly can say this was very wrong timing for me. I am getting resentful that I cannot just go crawl into a ball in my bed and cry for 2 weeks. I have to take care of the babies and it is taking its toll on me. I just want to grieve Roman. Every morning at 7:10 am my heart just aches. He past away right in the hall by our bedroom. It makes me sad that I did not get to take him outside to do his business. I am sure he was needing to go so bad. I wanted to feed him one more time so he was full and happy before he left me. In the mornings after he would eat he would play so intensly with his "WOOBIES" that was his stuffed animals that we gave him. He had many and he just loved to chew them up. What I would give to have played with him one more time. We did indeed have a special bond that Ann talked about. I always have felt that way. He and I put each other back together again and I feel so very lost without him. I miss him so much it is excruciating. I am going to give a donation in his memory to the humane society. Thank you Moon Beam for that idea. My heart is breaking and I feel so selfish in my grief. I just want to be left alone and just cry. I love you Roman and I miss you dearly. You are my best friend and my first child. I wish I could of known their was something wrong. You were my responsiblity and I feel like I failed in keeping you healthy. I am so sorry!! I am so grateful I found this site and that you all are so kind when you are going through your own grief. I am so sorry for your losses as well. Thank you again to everyone that has responed to me. Your words mean the world to me and I hang on to every thing you say. It is helping me beyond belief.

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[Farleybear]

Oh Jules, what a touching story. You must be so proud of yourself for saving Roman and giving him a loving home for the time that he was with you. I know he is thankful that you saved him and that you gave him so much love. It is awful to watch someone that we love so unconditionally be taken from us, but you have the babies now to keep you going and hopefully bring your heart some peace. My thoughts are with you Jules. Take care of yourself!

[Jules02]

It has been 1 week to the day that my Roman has passed. I sat in the spot at the time he passed and held his picture and just cried. It is so hard to look at the spot where he took his final breath. It is in the hall right by our bedroom. I miss him so much. I am going to the cemetary later this afternoon and take some roses we bought and just visit him. I wish he was not in the cemetary so far away. I wish I could have buried him in our back yard or "Roman's Yard" as we like to call it. We will be moving soon and I could not leave him here. Please say a prayer for Roman today that he is happy and okay. I miss you Roman and mommy loves you so very much!

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[LoveThem]

A week is truly "a blink of an eye". What you are doing and feeling is so very normal.

We all will send hugs and prayers to Roman. We know he is okay now. He misses you too but being an Angel, he can look down from his cloud, and watch over you and your family.
And, he is also listening to every word you say to him. His soul and spirit can never leave you.
His essence surrounds you everyday. It is in the warm feeling that fills your heart when you remember him, healthy and happy, and I'm sure, whose tail just never seemed to stop wagging, sometimes with the pink tongue hanging out...just as if they were laughing happily. Now there's a picture. You probably have one of him like that too.

Take care and write to him anytime here, and to the rest of us. Let us know how you are doing, by taking it all one day at a time.

Hugs and peace
Judy

[sissycat]

Yes, sending your Roman and Hugs and prayers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course he is doing fine-he is at the Rainbow Bridge with all the others waiting to be re-united with us. I can just picture in my mind all the animals running playing having so much fun.

Hugs and prayers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[freddie]

Dear Juleso2, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your furbaby Roman .He knows how much you love him and I am sure that he is watching over you right now from the rainbow bridge !! I know exactly how you feel we lost 2 of our furbabies last year and I will never get over the losses . I became very depressed and lost 20 kg .It has been a bit over one year since we lost Freddie in a tragic accident .I think about him and his mother (who we lost in Oct 2008) every single day. like you we miss our babies so so much it is like a piece of me died with them ! If there is any advice I could give you is that as soon as I realized that this was something I will never get over but try to move forward this was the start of the whole accepting thing ! Please come to this web site as often as you need the people on this site are wonderful wonderful souls they really do care and understand the pain you are in right now .My heart goes out to you god bless !
Hugs from Warren ******

[Jules02]

Thank you Freddie, LoveThem, sissycat, FarleyBear, Ann, Von72 and Moon_Beam. All of your words mean a lot to me. I am trying to figure out in my head what went wrong with Roman. It will drive you crazy the what-ifs.... I wish I would have known if something was wrong with him. I have played out the day before he passed in my mind a thousand times. I know we had some terrible storms that day and he was so scared. I tried to take him out twice and he would not go that afternoon. I am so mad that I cannot even remember feeding him that evening. Even tho I am sure I did. I never forgot but, for some reason I cannot remember with all of the commotion with the tornado sirens going off all afternoon. I also have been struggling with knowing that animals hate change or atleast my expierence with pets have been that. I think Roman was trying so hard to adjust to 2 new members of the family being with us. I just have to wonder if all the changes and the storms were just too much for his little heart. He was my responsibility and I feel like I failed him big time. I should have helped him adjust to not being #1 anymore. I just hate that I had NO time to tell him goodbye and that if he could of held on a little longer things would have been better. I just keep seeing him walk past the nursery looking at me............SAYING please pet me....pay attention to me. My heart just aches. I cannot quit crying thinking he was feeling so left out. He would just look at me and turn around and walk off. I would call him to come and he would not. I hate remembering all the stuff that makes me feel like so bad. I would do anything to have all of those days back and somehow try to make the adjustment for him better. I blame myself for his death and I wish I didn't.

[phoebekitty]

Jules02...
You know there is no logic to why these things happen, and there is no cause, at least that had anything to do with you. It is a terrible thing to lose someone who is loved so dearly. And worst of all , the pain can be so bad, that we lose our zest for life! I don't think there is one magic thing that can be said that will lesson any of it.

That big emptiness in your heart will not always consume your days, and I think it is almost imperceptible when the heart learns to accept what has happened. I know that death is a permanent state, but my heart still yearns for the living being who was my friend. I am not sure it helps if there are other pets living in the house-I keep missing the one who I loved most.

But there is an ac%%ulation of support and love from people at this site, and life experiences that will gradually help us deal with the emotions we feel, and help us move on from day to day. It is wrenching but cathartic to mourn. It is also comforting to hear from all those who also have as much respect and love for animals as ourselves.

I truly hope that your sorrow will become less a burden, and the memories of your lovely Roman will bring a smile instead of a tear. Please do not despair too much, for I am sure you have people close to you who can give the support and love that you need so much right now.

(I too tried to figure out what killed my child, but it only made me more heartbroken, becasue is was so incurable-metastatic cancer.)

[Flossie's Mom]

It broke my heart to read of your handsome Roman passing so suddenly. Devastating to happen so suddenly but then again it is also devastating for them to linger.

Is it possible that he waited for the babies to arrive and stayed long enough to make sure you and the babies were OK?

I worked later than usual one night when I had a cat with cancer and she tried so hard to crawl to me from under the bed where she was struggling for breath. I knew she had waited for me even though I was late getting here. I was mad at myself for waiting too long to put her to sleep (she died in my arms 1 block from the vet's office....screaming & struggling) I grieved longer than any other pet I've lost. It was a guilty grief and I beat myself up a lot. With my recent loss I did not wait too long (in fact I foolishly wonder at times if I couldn't have done more to keep her longer) and though it is very difficult, I do know the time was here for her. I miss her & cry a many times still, but I don't have the guilt that I let her suffer for selfishly wanting to keep her with me longer.

Roman knows how much you loved him, he knows you had two babies to look after and he did not feel left out. Why do some humans die young? We don't have the answer to that either. A friend died recently at age 43 of cancer just 10 months after diagnosed. Our neighbor, 73, was fine when his daughter went to work & was dead right in the entry hall at 7 that night when she came home. He had taken the tree down & moved the furniture back in place, was dressed like he was ready to go someplace. Which way would I prefer to go? Like the neighbor and your wondrful Roman..... quickly, without suffering.

Don't feel guilty, remember the good times with Roman and be grateful he did not suffer. Quick is hard for you..... but not for Roman. Slow would be hard for both of you.

Roman wants you to concentrate on the babies now..... he's OK and watching over you all.

[Jules02]

It broke my heart to read of your handsome Roman passing so suddenly. Devastating to happen so suddenly but then again it is also devastating for them to linger.

Is it possible that he waited for the babies to arrive and stayed long enough to make sure you and the babies were OK?

I worked later than usual one night when I had a cat with cancer and she tried so hard to crawl to me from under the bed where she was struggling for breath. I knew she had waited for me even though I was late getting here. I was mad at myself for waiting too long to put her to sleep (she died in my arms 1 block from the vet's office....screaming & struggling) I grieved longer than any other pet I've lost. It was a guilty grief and I beat myself up a lot. With my recent loss I did not wait too long (in fact I foolishly wonder at times if I couldn't have done more to keep her longer) and though it is very difficult, I do know the time was here for her. I miss her & cry a many times still, but I don't have the guilt that I let her suffer for selfishly wanting to keep her with me longer.

Roman knows how much you loved him, he knows you had two babies to look after and he did not feel left out. Why do some humans die young? We don't have the answer to that either. A friend died recently at age 43 of cancer just 10 months after diagnosed. Our neighbor, 73, was fine when his daughter went to work & was dead right in the entry hall at 7 that night when she came home. He had taken the tree down & moved the furniture back in place, was dressed like he was ready to go someplace. Which way would I prefer to go? Like the neighbor and your wondrful Roman..... quickly, without suffering.

Don't feel guilty, remember the good times with Roman and be grateful he did not suffer. Quick is hard for you..... but not for Roman. Slow would be hard for both of you.

Roman wants you to concentrate on the babies now..... he's OK and watching over you all.

Thank you Flossie's Mom. My best friend said the same thing to me. I know if this had happened while I was pregnant I may have gone into labor a lot earlier and had some serious complications. I have thought of all of this. I guess sometimes we just beat ourselves up because death is hard to deal with and we never want to see our loved ones go. Thanks for reminding me of this. I have got to quit obsessing on the negative. I even called my vet again today and talked with him in detail. Roman had his annual exam in August 08. He looked over everything again for me today and said all blood work was excellent except for his tick blood diseases. Roman was up to date on every shot and everything. I guess I was still looking to blame myself for his death. The vet put my mind to rest and said there was some underlying problem he had that no one could forsee. I am trying to get this through my head and try to let it go and just be happy for all the good times we had with Roman. Thank you for sharing your story with me as well. It is best to let go of the what ifs and just be happy that we had these beautiful animals in our life and your right I would want to go quickly. I just wish I would of had a little more time with that wonderful dog!

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[ann]

Hi Jules, Right now this is the hardest part. Still so fresh. I understand so much of what your going thru. There are so many here, myself included who wish we could have changed something, anything to avoid what lied ahead. For me, I keep thinking if only I changed my routine for 1min that day, perhaps Arthur's routine would have changed and he would not have gotten hurt. My friend has been doing some business with the neighbor and has taken a liking to him, but I can't help but think, and I don't know why, that he is the one that hurt my baby. If true, I know it was an accident and he probably wasn't even aware of it, but I'm trying to stop beating myself up over it. It happened, he's gone.
As for wishing you could have spent more time with Roman, it's never enough when we love them so much. It's the time we DID get to spend is what we should be so gratful for. We'll miss them forever for sure. Take care.. Hugs.. Ann

[Jules02]

Hi Jules, Right now this is the hardest part. Still so fresh. I understand so much of what your going thru. There are so many here, myself included who wish we could have changed something, anything to avoid what lied ahead. For me, I keep thinking if only I changed my routine for 1min that day, perhaps Arthur's routine would have changed and he would not have gotten hurt. My friend has been doing some business with the neighbor and has taken a liking to him, but I can't help but think, and I don't know why, that he is the one that hurt my baby. If true, I know it was an accident and he probably wasn't even aware of it, but I'm trying to stop beating myself up over it. It happened, he's gone.
As for wishing you could have spent more time with Roman, it's never enough when we love them so much. It's the time we DID get to spend is what we should be so gratful for. We'll miss them forever for sure. Take care.. Hugs.. Ann

Thank You Ann for your kind words. I will miss him forever and I am having a really hard day today. I miss my Roman sleeping with me at night. Night time is the hardest. It was the time when I put the babies down to sleep and I would go to my bed and Roman would follow and I would hug him and kiss on him and go to sleep. It was one of the few times of the day he would have my full attention since the babies have arrived. I love you Roman and I miss you so very much.