I'm So Sorry Jason Options

[turriri]

My week started on 1/10/09, with my beloved cat, Jason, having his annual exam. His doctor couldn't get a urine sample so we had to return him on Monday to try again. On Tuesday we got the call that his blood work showed the signs of kidney disease and we needed to return him to the vet hospital for three days of IV fluids and antibiotics. He HATED going to the vet but I promised him he'd be ok. The vet called me on Wednesday and said he was so upset that they couldn't even treat him but would try again later that day. Finally, Wednesday afternoon, they got the lines started on him but he was still lunging at his caretakers and was very unhappy. I was going to visit him but they told me to hold off as he was a threat to them, himself and potentially to me.

Yesterday, Friday the 16th of January, I got the call I'd been waiting for all week that I could come and pick up my best friend. They had to sedate him to get his lines out as he still wouldn't let them come near him. They sedated him at 11:45 a.m.. I picked him up at 4:30 in the afternoon and was told that his blood work all looked so much better and they were really pleased with his progess. When they brought him to me he was still sleeping in his carrier. The doctor told me this was because of his sedation and that because of his kidney disease it would take longer to get the sedation out of his system. I brought him home and opened his cage so he could come out when he was ready. I went to check on him an hour later and he was gone. He never recovered from the sedation.

All the "what if's" are haunting me. What if I had never taken him to the vet, would he'd still be alive? What if I had visited him against the doctors wishes, would that have calmed him down? What if, instead of sedation, I had gone there and held him while they took the lines out? I knew he got extremely stressed going to the vets, why didn't I help him more? He was 15 years old. Why didn't I just let him live the remainder of his life at home until he told me it was his time? How do I move on from the overwhelming grief and sadness?

To my beloved Jason: I am so, so, so sorry I let you down and didn't protect you from all the stress that eventually killed you. I know saying that will not bring you back but I don't know what else to do. A kitty has never been loved more than you.....

[LoveThem]

I'm so sorry about what happened to Jason. You did the best you could under the cir%%stances.

15 years.. my Little Guy was a little over 16 when I lost him. It is a long wonderful time that even then...seems too short.

We always trust what the vet says to do because we have no choice. We only always hope they are right. You said it was his annual exam so I assume you knew this vet and he knew Jason. I guess this was the first time he needed the IV, etc. My cats hated going to the vet too.

I don't know what to say. My vets over the years would have me take home a groggy dog or cat but I have no experience bringing one home still asleep so I have no understanding of that.

What a devastating loss. If he was still under sedation then he passed peacefully. That thought might help. I can understand your whatifs. Those particularly hit us when we lose them so quickly and completely unexpectedly. And...anger...that would be natural too, at least it would for me.

We know as they get older, they will start showing signs of deterioration internally..just as we humans do. So we know in time they will have to leave us. But I never would have been prepared at all for what happened to you and Jason. I would be in total shock. You mentioned they said he fought them..that must be why they used the sedation. They wanted to be sure he was relaxed enough so they could give him the IV. It is so hard when we can't explain to these sweethearts that things are being done to help them and not to fight it.

I understand the pain of your loss....it is terrible. When I lose one of mine....I just cry and cry and ache with pain and sometimes think it never goes away. In time, it will lessen. But we will miss them forever.

Being sedated...he was at peace...its a small comfort but it is the only one I can think of to say.

Just remember you did the best you could and you trusted your vet. That's what we all do.
It hurts so much more when it is something we look forward to a manageable outcome and bringing our baby home, and when it is something completely unexpected...it is total
devastation.

All I can do is shed tears with you, and give you a big, tight cyberhug, and feel like....
just screaming inside silently at the unfairness of it all.

I note that Grief can come instantly but Healing takes time. And Healing from shock takes even more time.

I am so very very sorry to hear what happened.

Judy

[turriri]

Thanks for the kind words Judy. I just can't imagine how I'm going to get through this. Jason was my first furbaby. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that he's gone.

[toonie]

Dear Turriri sometimes it seems no matter how much we try to do the best thing, it goes wrong, then again, perhaps if you had not brought him in then you would have had to bring him in an emergency and he would have passed in a cold clinic alone whereas if it had to be, at least he was back home and may well have realized it and let go at that point saying to himself ah we're back home mom and I, it will be all right and in a way it was all right forever for him, finally in peace where he wanted to be, by you. You did the best you could for your Jason, you did it all out of love, was his life good, did he live a good fifteen years, I am so sure, he did just looking at his wonderful eyes that are full of kindness and love. So now you must grieve and this is a good place to come to. Courage and please come back to talk about it, we are all, or have all been, in that same boat. Take care.

[von72]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Jason looks so beautiful in his picture.

You said 'A kitty has never been more loved than you'
Then please don't feel that you let him down. They know how much we love them and I'm sure that from how you have spoken about him, he could never have felt let down by you.

I do understand however, the 'what ifs' as I went through these and I think reading all the posts here, most people go through this. We will always wonder if there was something more that we could have done.

As Judy said we trust what the vets say because we have no choice. What if we didn't follow their advice and then something went wrong? We'd feel bad then too.

You could not have known that this would happen so don't feel like you did something wrong. Jason was so lucky to have someone who loved him so much.

I think Toonie was right in saying that he may well have realised he was home and that he could go then with his mum close by.

You did everything you could for him. But I understand that the grief we feel is overwhelming and we cannot control the thoughts that come into our heads until the pain starts to ease.
Just take one day at a time.

take care
Von

[sissycat]

Oh my, I don't really know what to say. I am so very sorry for you and share in your pain. I can't even imagine it.
I don't understand the part of them sending you home with him like that. I have had cats all my life and never once have they sent one of them home with me while still sleeping.

That is a beautiful picture of Turriri!!! Very handsome!!!!

All the what if's, why's, etc. are part of the process you must go through.
You know in your heart everything you did for him was for his good. He knows that too.

Yes, do come often to talk about anything or vent. We are here for you.

Sending you and your new angel Turriri many hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ann]

I'm so sorry to hear of Jason. You loved him very very much. This was an unforseen cir%%stance that you had no control over. I certainly understand what your going thru. My Arthur use to get all stressed out at the vet too. When I took him for the last time I often wonder if me hanging around would have calmed him down long enough to have surgery. So, I can certainly sympathize. 15 years is a long time to have shared together. You are very lucky. I know that it will never seem long enough. I hope your happy memories will help you overcome this loss. I'm sorry he had to pass this way. You did what you felt was best. In time you will heal from this. Please post pictures and happy stories when you feel up to it..Many hugs.. Ann

[turriri]

Thank you all for the thoughts and support. I know in my rational mind that this well eventually get easier but right now my rational mind isn't working.

My local Animal Humane Society offers pet loss support groups. Has anyone attended a group like this and if you did, do you feel it helped you?

I feel like I'm at a loss as to what to do besides crying. I try to remeber the good times but the last week keeps coming back to haunt me.

I had Jason longer than I've had my husband. In fact I met my husband because I adopted Jason. When he was little, Jason had all kinds of kitty problems and I had to take a second job to cover his vet bills and that's where I met my husband.

Thanks again for all the support.

[sissycat]

Wow your Turriri brought you and your husband together. He is special!!!!!

As you said it will take lots of time. And even tho I thought of good memories it took a little while, but soon you will smile when you think of them!!

This place here has been my only support group so I can't answer that one for you. I'm sure it couldn't hurt anything to go.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Zita'sMom]

To my beloved Jason: I am so, so, so sorry I let you down and didn't protect you from all the stress that eventually killed you. I know saying that will not bring you back but I don't know what else to do. A kitty has never been loved more than you.....

Dear Turriri

You did not let Jason down. You were a wonderful mom to him and you did everything you could to keep him healthy and safe. Sometimes we don't know why these things happen as they do, but they do.

You will be strong and you will get through it, I promise you.

And even if Jason didn't like the vet he knows without any doubt that your love for him is /was strong and solid.

Jason is not gone, he is just in another place right now that makes it harder sometims to feel his connection. Know that that connection of love can not be severed by death and that you can talk to him and he will hear you.

Your Jason was / is special, and so are you, for having loved him so deeply.

Many blessings.

Jan.

[LuvLabs]

I would like to offer my deepest sympathy, in the loss of your beloved Jason. It's hard to understand why things like this happen. But I feel, you did the best you could for Jason. He needed the fluids for his kidney function. As we age medications effect us differently, and it is the same for animals. Possibly, there were other health issues with Jason in addition to the kidney problem.

Please know that grieving takes time and patience. Many of us have gone through the guilt and "what if's." I think that is just a small part of grieving. Once you let go of the guilt, it will be easier for you to accept Jason's passing. Know matter how old our pets live...it's never long enough. But, you have to remind yourself that you gave Jason a wonderful life. And I know he was so very grateful to you. He would want you to remember and cherish the good times. I wish you comfort and peace during this difficult time in your life.

[LoveThem]

you said: I feel like I'm at a loss as to what to do besides crying. I try to remeber the good times but the last week keeps coming back to haunt me.

Right now all you can do is cry. It is hardly any time at all since your loss. I just went through days of crying in the beginning and tried to put the last day my boy was at the ER out of my mind as best as I could.

It really takes time and sometimes a lot of time, especially if you don't have another that needs your attention.

As far as support groups, I agree it doesn't hurt to try. You just might come out of there feeling better.

I wish you peace and healing but it will take time. It is normal for it to be that way. You can't recover from 15 years of closeness being gone...in so short a time. You will never forget your boy and miss him forever but I guess at some point we just start accepting there is nothing more to do except to try and heal ourselves.

Hugs,
Judy

[turriri]

It's been three days and I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that my Jason's gone. I worked from home so we were together all day every day. When I was working on the computer, he was laying on the desk with his paw on my arm. When the sun would come out, he would go lay on my bed and we'd take a nap together. He was always with me, even if I was in the bathroom, he was there. My husband is trying so hard but doesn't know what to do to help me. I haven't quit sobbing for the three days since he's been gone and feel like I'm going crazy. My mom died two years ago and I didn't react this badly for which I feel guilty. Someone please promise me this will get better. I'm just so heartbroken.

[goliath]

I haven't quit sobbing for the three days since he's been gone and feel like I'm going crazy. My mom died two years ago and I didn't react this badly for which I feel guilty. Someone please promise me this will get better. I'm just so heartbroken.

First, please allow me to extend my condolences. Each time I come here to LS and read of yet another loss of a precious furkid, my heart goes is touched with sadness. I too am sorry you had to go through losing Jason, especially in the way you did. I have never heard of a vet sending an animal home who has not yet fully recovered from anesthesia.

Both of my parents passed away in their 50's and just like you my grief was much different than what it was like when my Goliath passed away so suddenly. I understand only too well the grief and agonizing pain that is left when one so loved leaves this world. It's like our worlds have been turned upside down, nothing seems right, and we must be stuck in some kind of nightmare. When Goliath passed away, I spent the first couple of months sinking deeper and deeper into a bog of depression filled with loneliness and heartache. As each day went by during those first months, I felt myself spiraling downward quickly to a place of no return. One day I found LS and the direction of my grief took a much needed turn. Gradually I began to feel somewhat better after I found there was some hope for me to return to a happier and healthier kind of life. This took me lots of time and tears. Once I found LS I spent many many hours exchanging words with others which helped ease my pain and theirs. At some point I came to accept Goliath's death was something I could not change. But what I could do was lean on others who gave hope, inspiration, and encouragement to go on. My life was forever changed when Goliath passed away just as it was forever changed when he first came into my world. Today I know Goliath is well and very much alive in me and around me. Nothing could ever separate the kind of love the two of us neither here in this world nor the next. My spirit is bound to his forever and one day we will be together.....never to be separated again.

Our journeys of healing are long. I found the road very bumpy at times. Many side trips came my way, but I kept plugging along........picking up the broken pieces of my heart along the way. There will always be a subtle sadness about me, and that's ok. My life was bound to become different without Goliath in my every day. I learned to just take each day with stride, no expectation, and to do my very best to squeeze the most out of life. It took a long time to get there, but I can honestly say I will always cherish the past, dream of the future and live for today. I don't know if tomorrow will come, so today I choose to count my blessings and give thanks for all I've been given and for what is yet to be.

Turriri........I send you hugs of comfort of love. Keep coming to LS and share what you are feeling and thinking. Have faith that one day at a time you will find your way through the pain you are feeling now. You walk with others who share your pain and it is with each other we begin to heal.

From my heart to yours,
Beth

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Beth said it all so well, so I will only add this:

I, too, as well as SO many others whom society at large doesn't often speak of enough (but it's slowly getting there), have had far more pain from the loss of my kidlets as compared to my human family members (Mother, one brother, father, plus many relatives). Unlike most, though, I'm not at all ashamed to say that's how it is. I know who loved me absolutely BEST and so of COURSE they'd be the ones who garner the most missing and pain over their loss in my life. But just know that this isn't unusual - it's just that many people don't 'dare' speak of how it really is for them, too. There's really no guilt required, though. I trust that my human family members who have died just KNOW now why it is like it is for me, and that they don't judge it the way they would have while still on this earthly plane. That's part of what's so grand about the spirit realm. No earthly-style judgment, just fuller understanding and compassion.....just like our fur-kids modeled. So while you may have to be cautious about who you share your feelings with, that doesn't make ANY of them 'wrong'.

Yes, it does get "better", if not ideal, if not exactly the way it was before. As Beth so aptly put it, "There will always be a subtle sadness about me, and that's ok." We are necessarily changed by everything in our lives, but most especially by our biggest losses, but we can also gain other, precious things because of it. In time...with reflection...and leaning on others who understand how it feels.

[LoveThem]

It is the worst of times right now. It will get better in time. Everything you are doing I remember doing when my boy Little Guy did not come home with me from the ER.

Take it one day at a day. I understand your husband not knowing how to help you...neither did mine...because they truly can't take the pain away. They can be there for a hug and that helps. But the pain and the missing is something we can only deal with ourselves.

One day at a time. Cry until you are exhausted...it is okay to do that. Do what makes you feel better to do. It is hard to figure out what to do about a feeling of helplessness and so we just
deal with all the awful feelings every day and as time goes by.....the pain kind of deadens at times.
I think we just get tired of being so upset that we start to calm down.

Come here anytime and just write your thoughts and feelings. It can help just to spend the time doing that.

What happened is really a tremendous shock...I think I would want to scream and pound on walls saying...it is not fair. Cause it is truly never fair but some cir%%stances can hurt differently especially when unexpected.

Hugs to you. Peace and healing will come in time. It will get better in time. You will be able to remember the good memories without the sadness overwhelming you..but it takes time...sometimes a lot of time.

Judy

[sissycat]

Yes, It does get better. It will take you time. It is still so very early for you!!!! Take your time also and don't let anyone try rushing you.
I can't explain the feelings of human loss versus pet loss. My Sissycat passed on June 5, 2008 and i wept and wept. My dad passed about 3 weeks later on June 25, 2008 and I barely shed a tear. Don't get me wrong I loved him very much, but I just can't explain it. I did feel guilty for that.

So to sum it up. YES it will get better for you. I know it is hard to believe right now, but it will.

It has been little over 7 months and I am so much better now. I am not healed completely, but am well on my way.

We will all heal together!!!!!!!

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[evah2000]

My week started on 1/10/09, with my beloved cat, Jason, having his annual exam. His doctor couldn't get a urine sample so we had to return him on Monday to try again. On Tuesday we got the call that his blood work showed the signs of kidney disease and we needed to return him to the vet hospital for three days of IV fluids and antibiotics. He HATED going to the vet but I promised him he'd be ok. The vet called me on Wednesday and said he was so upset that they couldn't even treat him but would try again later that day. Finally, Wednesday afternoon, they got the lines started on him but he was still lunging at his caretakers and was very unhappy. I was going to visit him but they told me to hold off as he was a threat to them, himself and potentially to me.

Yesterday, Friday the 16th of January, I got the call I'd been waiting for all week that I could come and pick up my best friend. They had to sedate him to get his lines out as he still wouldn't let them come near him. They sedated him at 11:45 a.m.. I picked him up at 4:30 in the afternoon and was told that his blood work all looked so much better and they were really pleased with his progess. When they brought him to me he was still sleeping in his carrier. The doctor told me this was because of his sedation and that because of his kidney disease it would take longer to get the sedation out of his system. I brought him home and opened his cage so he could come out when he was ready. I went to check on him an hour later and he was gone. He never recovered from the sedation.

All the "what if's" are haunting me. What if I had never taken him to the vet, would he'd still be alive? What if I had visited him against the doctors wishes, would that have calmed him down? What if, instead of sedation, I had gone there and held him while they took the lines out? I knew he got extremely stressed going to the vets, why didn't I help him more? He was 15 years old. Why didn't I just let him live the remainder of his life at home until he told me it was his time? How do I move on from the overwhelming grief and sadness?

To my beloved Jason: I am so, so, so sorry I let you down and didn't protect you from all the stress that eventually killed you. I know saying that will not bring you back but I don't know what else to do. A kitty has never been loved more than you.....

I am sorry for your loss! I completely understand your pain. Please, don't beat yourself up with those thoughts, you did what you thought it was best for your pet and listened to the advise from doctors. Keep in your heart the wonderful and happy memories of your dog and take one day at a time. I hope you will find peace. I want to share my pet's story with you. Yesterday, we lost our beloved dog Charlie due to Renal Failure and Pancreas Failure. He was almost ten yrs. old. He stayed 4 days at the hospital at the beginning of January. On Jan 6. , I called the doctor and told her I was picking up Charlie as his prognosis was guarded with no hopes of recovery and I knew the distress he had been due to the unfamiliar hospital environment and to the fact of being caged. Eventhough, the doctor did not share my opinion , I insisted. So, I brought Charlie back home to our family that day. His last twelve days of life were spent with us, his family, to his side; cuddling him, loving him and eventhough was hard to see him deteriorate day by day, I know he was happy to be home and appreciated being with us. My son, who's 15 yrs, old, was by Charlie's side for those last 12 days of his life and we all took turns to sleep with him and to be with him at all times. My son even refused to attend a family church meeting on Saturday night because he did not want Charlie to feel alone. Yesterday, early afternoon, We all went to Church and I asked God to take Charlie with Him as soon as possible as I did not want to see him suffer any longer. When we came back home from Church, for first time in many days, Charlie came to greet us at the door and wagged his tail at us. He went back to his bed and we followed him. I went upstairs to change and my husband and kids called me back down as Charlie was having a seizure. It was at that point that we decided to call the hospital and put him to sleep as we did not want him to continue suffering, our kids agreed. On our way to the hospital he seemed lethargic. When we got there, the nurse asked us if we wanted to be present and we said yes as my son wanted Charlie to be with his family on his final moment. We were taken to a small room and while we waited for the doctor, Charlie had a second seizure and died there surrounded by us. We held him tight and told him it was okay to go and that we loved him very much. God was wonderful with him and us, and eventhough it was a painful moment we were able to be with him until the end. We know he is in a marvelous place and is not suffering any longer. We will remember him forever and will be eternally grateful that we got to know him and call him a beloved member of our family. Charlie, forever in our hearts.

[myhrtisbrkn]

Why didn't I just let him live the remainder of his life at home until he told me it was his time?

Rest assured of this... The remainder of his life at home, with untreated kidney disease is not something you could have born, not something he should have born. All that the two of you endured, devastating as it was, was easier by comparison. You did the very best you could for your boy.

I'm so sorry you lost him.
Heartfelt prayers and Sympathies
Dayna

[turriri]

All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone here. While I'm still so devastated that my Jason is gone, I'm finding relief reading all the kind words and support from all of you.

I work from home so I don't have the luxury of getting out of the house everyday. I just can't get the image out of my head of seeing him supposedly sleeping his sedation off in his carrier and then realizing something was wrong, pulling him out of his carrier and knowing immediatly he was gone. How do I clear that memory out of my head? It seems to be playing 24 hours a day.