Please Help - I Need A Friend Options

[maccasmum]

Hi to anyone who's reading this... I found this site while I was at work today, and it's been so comforting to me to see that there are so many people out there with so much kindness and support for others who are grieving.

I'm about to lose my beloved Macca, my beautitful tabby cat. He's 10 years old, and was diagnosed with an intestinal tumour at the end of November. He's never been a well cat (he had cat flu when he was a baby, has had teeth trouble, skin problems, eye problems and, most recently, kidney disease), but he's fought back against everything, and I've always pushed for the best treatment and care for him. And somehow the fact that he was so prone to getting these crazy illnesses (he's had Athlete's Paw!) just made me love him even more, and vow to stand by him. Finding out he had kidney disease (I found that out last May) was a shock, but he was doing well, and I thought it was under control. And then this tumour comes along... Well, there's nothing I can do for him now. He's on steroids which are helping in terms of his appetite, but he's very sick - and it seems like he's getting sicker before my eyes. The vet told me to prepare myself for having to make the decision to euthanise. I'm in bits over it - when is the right time? At the moment Macca's eating well, he can walk about just fine, and his eyes - his lovely green eyes - are big and clear and as beguiling as ever. But he's not himself. How do we judge quality of life? He's skinny, he likes hiding rather than company, and he has terrible problems with his bowels. How do I know when is the right time? How can I even do it? It's like I'm grieving already, and he's still around. I love him so much - it hurts more now than it did when he was first diagnosed. It's like having razors blades in my chest, and a heavy weight on my ribcage. I do have another cat, Trixie, and thankfully she is strong and healthy and I'm grateful for that. But I'm in so much pain knowing that Macca's time is coming.

I'd be so grateful if anyone could offer any advice, or just words of comfort.

[Flossie's Mom]

Dear Maccasmum,

I am so sorry for what you have to go through with your special kitty, Macca.

I really don't have the answer about "when" or even "how". I waited too long with one cat & felt so guilty for a very long time. Recently I had to decide the "right" time for my wonderful poodle. She too was prone to challanges from age 3-1/2 and I spent lots of money on her medical challenges as well as many, many hours of extra care.

Biggest problem was her back and that was the final decision maker for her. She survived the surgery at 3-1/2 that gave her 45% chance to ever walk again and I saw to it she recovered slowly. She had a few bumps in the road with the back but also had a kidney removed a week after another major surgery at 11. She started having difficulty again with the back legs and it got worse to the point that she'd have several days she litterly couldn't stand up or walk without looking like a bucking horse. She got cranky & as you can imagine the bathroom was a difficult issue so took much cleaning up. At her age & all she had already endured there was no question she couldn't go through much more.

Hardest decision I think most of us have to make. TO ME at least, much easier to see her go peacefully than watch the death of my cat on my lap 1 block from the vet screaming & writhing around obviously in pain.

Since you've had her 10 years you probably know her better than anyone. I agonized although I knew it was the right thing to do for her and drug my feet just "to see" if this would pass & she'd recover her legs again as many times in the past. So many things against her and her care was getting to the point that it consumed 24 hours a day almost as she now had seizures so I wouldn't leave her for more than a few minutes for fear of her injuring herself further. I guess I knew for several months prior to all this that she really did not have the quality of life she should have but couldn't give up on her because she never gave up on herself.

The way I've tried to cope is knowing that many times in her life she survived and I was able to provide the care she needed to recover. All in all she had a good life in spite of her medical problems, gave us 17-1/2 years of love and companionship so the least I could do was to have the courage that she had shown numerous times and do one last thing for her to help her be comfortable at last and forever.

I think I grieved beforehand also like you said you are. The week I waited for her appointment was really worse that the week after. And she had a REALLY good day 2 days beforehand that made me doubt myself too.

They say it is a heart/mind thing and I guess that is true. Heart doesn't want to let go but mind says you must. I wonder if it isn't also some of just the opposite..... the heart also knows you don't want them to suffer, but the mind says maybe they will be OK a bit longer at least.

There is support galore here and reading other stories and words of support given back my many is very, very helpful.

I think you'll know when the time has come. Admitting it was the problem for me I guess. It is agonizing I know. Let us all know how you are doing. Post any thoughts & feelings you have as well as pictures when you are ready.

You and Macca are in my thoughts today. Ginger

[LoveThem]

It is a heartbreaking time. I have been there more than one time. The words of comfort would be that you have Macca for 10 years and that shows how wonderfully you have taken care of him.

I have lost many a friend to tumors. My Little Guy (my avatar) was 16 1/2 and had trouble breathing ...it would have taken exploratory surgery to find what they believed was cancer and it would not have cured him to go through that. His twin brother, all of a sudden developed lymphoma at age 10 and was gone within a week. His tests did show cancer in both lungs.
My Little Guy also had problems with bowel movements. In fact, one time after getting out of the litter box he threw up terribly but the vet didn't seem concerned. It was when his chest filled with fluid that the instant decision had to be made cause he truly couldn't breathe very well and would have suffocated. All I ever remember when making the decision is it is important my babies do not suffer. If they cannot be cured, then I can't allow suffering.

You said: But he's not himself. How do we judge quality of life? He's skinny, he likes hiding rather than company, and he has terrible problems with his bowels. How do I know when is the right time? How can I even do it?

You know your boy better than anyone. Quality of life? There are different answers. One is when dignity is gone. As a vet told someone here on the forum once....it is when he is not having fun anymore. I had a vet tell me years ago about my 10 year old dog who developed tumors..that I could take her home but bring her back the minute she starts coughing up blood. These are reasons I have forced myself to make the decision. We make it because we love them that much.

I think it might help you to discuss it with your vet and ask the same questions you just asked here. Also, ask....what will happen as the disease progresses...what will his quality of life be like vs how it is now. Is he suffering now? Is there a way to help make his bowel movements easier? If Mecca was his cat, what would make him decide to go through with the final decision?
How much longer does he think Mecca has?

I always thought it was a good sign when they ate. But I also found out that that could turn around quickly.

It is never a decision we make lightly but sometimes it is one we make quickly (as I had to when my boy had to go to the ER barely breathing). We make it cause they cannot make it for themselves. It is the way we return that unconditional love they freely give us. Some here have said they waited too long and regret what happened but they waited cause it is so hard to let them go.

I would really take Mecca to the vet and just have a real discussion about it all...keeping in mind no decision has to be made at that time. But write down any questions you can think of about Mecca's condition and future condition and ask them all. Then scoop him up and bring him home and watch him and think about everything discussed. You will know in your heart when it is time even though at the same time your heart will not want to make the decision...it is never an easy decision..no matter what.

Each day is a gift. My boy had trouble eating for a couple of months. We found dental problems and thought that solved the problem. He was galloping through the house just 10 days earlier.
His x-rays 10 days earlier were clear..no fluid. But , like you have said, I noticed he was not himself and I felt so helpless to make him better and I told him so every time I hugged him.

I hope this has helped you. Write down anytime your thoughts and feelings. Keep us updated on how Mecca is doing. We know exactly how you are feeling.....that feeling has been a part of all our lives...more than one time.

Hugs to you and your babies. But I really would try to discuss all the pros and cons with Mecca's vet. Sometimes that can help because I know later on what has helped many was always to REMEMBER why the decision was made whenever it was. Then we remember how they were and how very badly we wanted to help them.

I hope you find out there is more time before any decision begins to be crucial.


Judy

[sissycat]

Oh my heart breaks for you! It is never easy no matter what.
I do think that Ginger and LoveThem have about said it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No one can make the decision for you just follow you heart/mind. You will know when it is time for him to make that journey to the Rainbow Bridge. We will all be here for you. Please keep us informed!!

Hugs and prayers for you and Macca!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[moon_beam]

Hi, maccasmum, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the agonizing decision that is facing you with your beloved Macca. What you are experiencing is known as Anticipatory Grief, but knowing the name of what you are feeling does nothing to soothe the pain of sorrow you are feeling. Macca is already giving you signals that his quality of life is diminishing - - seeking solitude instead of companionship and the loss of control of his bowels. His body is shutting down - - which is a normal process of dying. If he is still able to eat at will to whatever extent that is, continue to do so. However, force feeding will only put extra stress on his body for he will not be able to process the food. The most important thing for you is to follow your heart. You know Macca. This probably is your time of preparation to love him one day at a time and evaluate how he does accordingly. Over 2 years ago my 6 year old number one kitty son, Eli, was diagnosed wth end stage Lymphoma. We did the palliative chemo and we had 2 months together post chemo. When he stopped eating again and was treated for an infection, 2 days after bringing him home from the vet hospital I had to take him back for our final journey. He could not eat and fluid was building in his abdominal cavity. It broke my heart to let him go, but I couldn't let him starve to death or go into pulmonary distress with the fluid building in his body. His will to live was gone - - his body and spirit were exhausted - - and I needed to let him go home to the angels with his dignity still intact. I do know how your heart is breaking now, but I know you will do for your precious Macca what needs to be done. Thank you so much for sharing with us about Macca, and please know you are among friends here. We are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Zita'sMom]

How do I know when is the right time? How can I even do it? It's like I'm grieving already, and he's still around. I love him so much - it hurts more now than it did when he was first diagnosed. It's like having razors blades in my chest, and a heavy weight on my ribcage. I do have another cat, Trixie, and thankfully she is strong and healthy and I'm grateful for that. But I'm in so much pain knowing that Macca's time is coming.

I'd be so grateful if anyone could offer any advice, or just words of comfort.

Hello macassmom

Like the others I can't tell you the "right" decision. But I can tell you what I've experienced. I had a cat, Missy, with liver disease who died naturally and though it was painful to watch her waste away, my true gut feeling was that she preferred to quietly fade. She was still watching for mice and drinking water, but not eating, and I felt she didn't want to be taken to a vet for euthanasia. However, my dog Merlin as he got older, showed distress as his condition worsened, to the point that I felt he was not comfortable in his skin anymore. I think he would have hung on for a long time since he was such a devoted dog. I had him put under before euthanasia because that was less traumatic for both me and him. When he was under I realized it was the first time he was quiet and peaceful for a long while, even then his breath was raspy. I did not have regrets with him and I felt it was the right thing. These are our most special pals in the world and we hate to make decisions like this for them. It is never easy. With all my pets I take it day by day until the decision feels clear so that I don't have regret. There is no right or wrong in this and know that whatever choice you make, your baby will understand and love you just the same.

sending you my highest thoughts and blessings that you will have peace in this situation.

Jan.

Jan.

[maccasmum]

I was so overwhelmed when I saw all these replies: thank you so much Ginger, Judy, Sissycat, moon_beam and Jan. Your words of kindness and support mean so much. I'm so glad I found this site.

Everything that's been said, and reading about other people's experiences, is helping me to prepare. I'd never thought that maybe I could leave it too late - my worry was doing it too soon. I came home from work yesterday after spending the whole day trying not to cry, and Macca was outside and he came running up to me, his little legs going as fast as he could, his tail high in the air. I thought, "How could have even thought of putting him to sleep?" But then when I got inside he just ran upstairs and hid, which isn't like him. I have to bring his meals to him upstairs now - he lets me know when he's hungry, but he's frightened to go in the kitchen. I think this is because we give him his meds in the kitchen - although he's been on pills for his kidneys for six months now, he's getting more and more stressed every time we give him a pill (he has his steroids now as well). I know that if it weren't for the steroids he probably wouldn't be here now, or he would be very, very ill indeed. But I can see that the steroids are starting to lose their effectiveness as the cancer takes hold.

I'm going to take the advice offered, and I'm going to talk to my vet (who, thankfully, is fantastic). I took Macca in a couple of weeks ago and the vet and I had a very frank discussion, which was painful and helpful at the same time. He said that Macca's going to get worse, and that it won't be pretty or peaceful at all, and I should come to terms with the fact that I will have to euthanise him at some point. I asked him what to look out for but he said he couldn't say because every cat is different and every cancer is different. But he kept saying that when the time comes, I'll know, and several of you have said that also, which is comforting. Initially when Macca was first diagnosed they gave him 4-6 weeks, but he responded really well to steroids and had put on a bit of weight so I'd hoped for more time, but it seems like that time is running out now.

I feel sadder now than I did when I first found out about the tumour. My heart aches at the thought of not having him around. It just feels like the ten years have flashed by so quickly, and I want all of that time back. I never took him for granted - I told him how much I loved him probably a thousand times a day, I'm sure he was like, "Mum, I know, get off me!" - but still I don't know how I'll cope without him. I'm a writer and Macca would always curl up at my side while I wrote, and he used to listen (well, with his eyes closed!) when I read things out and made changes. And he'd inspire me, and has featured in lots of my stories... I feel that without him there will always be a hole in my heart, a little piece of me that's missing. I've fought so hard for him since I got him, and I can remember at the rescue home where I got him exactly how he looked when they put him in the carry box and gave him to me. I feel like we were meant to be together, and naively I never thought that one day we would have to part - and in such a painful way. It's so cruel.

Thanks again to everyone who's replied, or read this. It means so much.

[bobbi]

Hi to anyone who's reading this... I found this site while I was at work today, and it's been so comforting to me to see that there are so many people out there with so much kindness and support for others who are grieving.

I'm about to lose my beloved Macca, my beautitful tabby cat. He's 10 years old, and was diagnosed with an intestinal tumour at the end of November. He's never been a well cat (he had cat flu when he was a baby, has had teeth trouble, skin problems, eye problems and, most recently, kidney disease), but he's fought back against everything, and I've always pushed for the best treatment and care for him. And somehow the fact that he was so prone to getting these crazy illnesses (he's had Athlete's Paw!) just made me love him even more, and vow to stand by him. Finding out he had kidney disease (I found that out last May) was a shock, but he was doing well, and I thought it was under control. And then this tumour comes along... Well, there's nothing I can do for him now. He's on steroids which are helping in terms of his appetite, but he's very sick - and it seems like he's getting sicker before my eyes. The vet told me to prepare myself for having to make the decision to euthanise. I'm in bits over it - when is the right time? At the moment Macca's eating well, he can walk about just fine, and his eyes - his lovely green eyes - are big and clear and as beguiling as ever. But he's not himself. How do we judge quality of life? He's skinny, he likes hiding rather than company, and he has terrible problems with his bowels. How do I know when is the right time? How can I even do it? It's like I'm grieving already, and he's still around. I love him so much - it hurts more now than it did when he was first diagnosed. It's like having razors blades in my chest, and a heavy weight on my ribcage. I do have another cat, Trixie, and thankfully she is strong and healthy and I'm grateful for that. But I'm in so much pain knowing that Macca's time is coming.

I'd be so grateful if anyone could offer any advice, or just words of comfort.

[bobbi]

dear maccasmum:

My heart goes out to you, your grief is real and very painful. I lost my 18year old beloved Mimi on 7/31/08; and I kind of knew during the last year it was coming; thankfully, she did not suffer. She started havng a hard time breathing, and my wonderful, compassionate vet took care of her; I was able to hold her and kiss her and sing to her while she was sedated, before the procedure. I wish I could tell you it gets better; but for me, I can still only go only a few days and then I'm back to sobbing.

I thank her every day for enriching my life for all those years; I hope she feels the same about me. Somehow, they let you know when it's time; she let me know and I knew I wasn't coming back from the vet with her. This has affected me so much more than even my mother dying (a long time ago) - GRIEVE as long as you need to; she was the most important person in my life!!! After all you and Macca have been through, believe me, he knows the love he is being showered with. My prayers and thoughts are with you - God bless you for enriching and loving your animal.

Bobbi

[Furkidlets' Mom]

How do we judge quality of life? How do I know when is the right time?

Everyone has already given such good advice, so I'll just add a few things.

You might try reading through these articles (see both posts) I'd posted about Defining Quality of Life to see if that helps you in deciding upon a time for helping Macca in his transition.

For me, for my Sabin, who also had cancer, I believe I waited too long...and yet, at the same time it also seemed rather 'right' as he always preferred to do things HIS way and in his own timing. I won't really know for certain though until we're together again in spirit, or I have some elevated experience that gives me the whole answer. However, the place of peace that I believe we all return to is not supposed to be filled with earthly-perspective judgment, but with love and a higher understanding of earthly life events, so I believe it WILL be okay in the bigger picture, no matter what ends up happening or what you may decide. And in any case, yes, Sabin certainly DID let me know, in numerous ways afterwards, that he still loves me all and just the same as ever, despite any mistakes I made. As he 'said,' "There is nothing TO forgive," and that he definitely FELT all the love (and there was a LOT!) that had been around him as he was ill and then dying.

For his sister, Nissa, it was obvious her time had come to return to spirit, but she'd still been trying to enjoy, as much as was possible, her regular routines outdoors (with me there; in summer) right up until 2 days before we were able to get a vet to our house to help ease her out of her body. I felt I was terribly conflicted at the time, for both of their physical deaths, but in retrospect, I think I did at least okay, and certainly did the BEST I KNEW AT THE TIME, which is all we can ever do, no matter what it is we're dealing with.

A natural death, while I prefer the idea IF possible, must also be carefully managed and monitored (for pain, etc.), with as much expert help as possible. You can access some information about this way here.

How can I even do it?

Though your extreme and dedicated LOVE for him, as we all do, in our own ways. If you can't trust anything else inside yourself right now, trust in your love for Macca and know that your heart, more than your head, but still using your head in appropriate ways, will guide you. As may he, himself, by letting you know in some way that it's time to help him.

It's like I'm grieving already, and he's still around.

As moonbeam said, this is Anticipatory Grief, and is just as hard as the grief that follows the actual 'loss' of our loved ones. In some ways, it's worse, and in some ways 'better.' But they're both very difficult journeys, to be sure. My best piece of advice for this time is to just try to stay as soulfully connected to your boy as possible in any given moment. That alone will end up helping you deal with each day, each hour and each minute as things change. And I'm glad you're going to be talking to your vet in more detail, too. That kind of information, albeit painful to hear, can often help a lot as we muddle through.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this, just as many of us have, and I, too, know how awfully it hurts. Holding you in gentle, empathetic thought....

[karen - casey]

Hi,

I am so sorry to hear about Macca. I went through the same thing with my cat Casey (he was 12 years old). He was diagnosed with cancer on Oct 24 and we had to say goodbye to him on Nov 13th (two months ago today). I too grieved for him even before he was gone. When the day came, we just knew it was time and we had to release him. It is a hard decision to make, but one you make out of love for your pet. We miss him very much, but it does get a little easier with time. I look at his picture daily and tell him how much I love. I know he is happy in heaven and that one day we will be united again.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Karen

[maccasmum]

Thanks again to everyone who has replied and shared their experiences and offered advice and support.

I have reached a decision that I think the time has come for Macca. His eyes have now lost their sparkle and it feels like he's given up. Also he's starting to lose interest in his food, and he looks so sad. If he could, I think he would weep. My heart is breaking and I'm plucking up the courage to call the vets today and make the appointment. I've decided I want to be with him when the vet puts him to sleep but that's as far as I've got with my thoughts. I keep trying to prepare myself for the reality of what's going to happen - that I will see him pass on to the next world (please let there be a next world!) and that he won't be in my home or in my arms ever again, but my mind just shuts down and won't let me think those thoughts. I'm so scared - I'm scared for him, and I'm scared for me. I would so appreciate any thoughts or experiences people feel they can share. I never, ever thought this day would come, although I was always afraid of it.

Bobbi - I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Thanks for adding your words. You are an inspiration in the way you were able to be with your baby at the end and show so much love at such a painful time. I'm hoping I can be the same with Macca.

Thanks to Furkidlets' Mom for your thoughts too and for the Quality of Life info. It certainly helped me to seal the decision in my mind. I'm sorry for what you went through, but your perspective really helped to calm my thoughts.

Karen - I am so sorry about Casey. It's comforting to know my pain will ease one day.

[Flossie's Mom]

Oh Boy, do I remember how difficult it was to make that appointment!

I remember asking if they do the 2 stage.... a shot first like they were going to have surgery before the injection to stop their heart. We were not near her long time vet so I was very concerned about her reaction plus we had never seen this vet.

I could not believe the compassion we received at this brand new vets office! They gave her the first shot & left us in the room to be with her as the shot did it's job. It was as if she was just sleeping in my lap. So calm & free of pain. I stood by her side & stroked her head during the injection and it was totally uneventful and quick. The vet & tech both gave me a big hug & left the room for us to spend as much time as we wanted with her.

It was of course emotional but not traumatic for me. I am bawling just writing about it. I had a cat PTS and it also was not unpleasant but the cat that died in my arms convinced me that I never wanted to allow them to suffer ever again. My grief was so different with her than it has been with the ones that went peacefully.

By no means is it an easy thing to do but it was a difficult final gift of love for me. I can remember my Grandma, who lived to be 100, used to say to me..... "if I get to where I don't know anyone anymore, or need machines, please hit me in the head with a baseball bat!" So when her time came...... no I didn't do as she requested............... I just did not allow recessitation or atrificial means......... I let her go...........

Our animals cannot tell us what our humans can so I guess it is up to us to know them well enough to do what I am sure they would want for themselves. If we never had them we would not have to do this............ but would you rather to have never had them? I think not.

Thoughts and prayers to you as you and Macca pass to the next phase of this journey called life.

Ginger

[maccasmum]

Ginger - thank you so much. I just made Macca's appointment - it's for 5pm on Friday. I could hardly get the words out when I was making the appointment. It felt so like, "Okay, there's the time he's going - this is all you have left." I have a really good vet, and he's coming in especially for Macca, so I'm hoping I can have a 'good' experience like you. I hope it can be peaceful for him like you describe... I worry that I'll be hysterical and not be able to be strong for him and not worry him. I'm really panicking as well that I'm doing the wrong thing, although in my heart I know it's the right thing, if that makes sense..? And you're right - I would go through this all over again just for even one minute of all the love he gave to me.

Oh, this is so hard... How will I make it without him?

[Furkidlets' Mom]

This is the time when you start living as if every second were your last one here, too, as that's how it can feel. So it's also the time to make the very most of what time you have left together in the physical, helping to create and experience the kinds of memories that will help you feel a bit more grati*tude for and peace about these days later on. Here are my suggestions for how to do that:

Tell Macca everything you can possibly think of that you want him to know. Speak to him of your love & his life with you, perhaps share some of your best memories of your life together with him, and anything else you think of. Spend as much time with him as possible, do whatever special things you can still do for him, and even if he doesn't want to eat much now (this is a natural part of the bodily preparation of dying) you might find something else he'd still find pleasurable, such as sniffing some catnip, or snuggling up to a favorite toy or pillow or what-have-you. You could also offer him homemade (unseasoned) chicken broth, to keep him a bit more hydrated and comfortable; or even water from a syringe (slowly in small drops). Also, providing an optional & gentle means for him to stay warm &/or a hidey-hole of some sort would probably be appreciated, and take these with him if the vet isn't coming to your home. (this is another service you might want to consider, if your vet offers it) Play soothing music for him, or otherwise try to create a relaxing and loving atmosphere for his special time, and to help YOU stay a bit calmer, too. This is the time for the two of you to more fully treasure what you have with each other. But don't worry if you miss telling him something - you can always tell him later and he'll still hear you.

Reassure him now, ahead of time, about the totally safe, loving, peaceful, abundant and pain-free realm/plane he'll be easily stepping into, even if you're not sure about what it holds yourself. If this doesn't feel right for you, tell him whatever you CAN believe or imagine about it, such as who he might be greeted by there. If they're ready to go, from what I've learned, animals don't fear transitioning the way we humans often do, so try not to worry about that part once it's happening. If you'd like him to visit you in spirit, or come back to you (if you believe in that possibility), let him know that now.

Something most people usually don't do, but which I feel is incredibly helpful and loving to do for their loved one (esp. cats, who really don't relish surprises), is to find out first about what the whole procedure will entail, and let Macca know ahead of time what the steps will be (this includes any trip to the clinic, if that's what you're doing). And here, I'd like to suggest that you make SURE a pre-procedure sedative is given before the final injection, to keep him calm. Trust me, they should be given, to avoid any possible added trauma (that I won't go into here) for either one of you. You should also find out ahead of time where they're planning, or might plan, to give these injections, as that will allow you to pass the information on to Macca and you'll both be more prepared, as well as help keep you a bit more 'in the moment' at the time (for both your sakes), w/o having to wonder about what's next. Depending on which type of injection (and WHY that type) your vet plans on giving [there are 3 main ways they are given, usually depending on the state &/or needs of the patient at the time, or other important considerations...and this information should be willingly shared with you by your vet, if you ask], it's also good for you to know how quick or not it will be, based on which method they decide upon. It helps to be prepared for any eventuality, so you're not adding to your upset at the time.

You might also ask your vet ahead of time whether you will be allowed to stay with him for as long as you need afterwards, or if they have a separate room for that to which you can go and sit, or whatever that clinic provides. If there's nothing really provided, you can ask for it ahead of time and see if they'll grant you what you'd like.

Another important aspect that sadly many people aren't offered is the chance to discuss beforehand what they might wish to do for "arrangements". You don't want to be having to address this when you're least able to even think, and you don't want, I'm sure, to be quickly forced into making a decision and then regretting it later because you weren't aware of all the options and DETAILS. It may hurt to think of this now, but if, say, you'd prefer a "private" cremation versus a group one, now is the time to make those wishes known, rather than being shocked later because you didn't know. If you might want an autopsy (I refuse to use the deragatory term of "necropsy", exclusive to animals), now is the time to ask about that as well.

And when the time comes, allow yourself to feel however you're going to feel, whether that will include, as it has for some, actually feeling the peace that may enfold the room, sensing or even seeing the soul leave the body, or any number of other possible things like that, or, crying hysterically, or gently, or whatever it is going to be for YOU. Just allow it to be as it is. If you shed tears, please don't feel that Macca won't know that they come from your love for him. He will feel the energy of that love and know it's for him. Give yourself this permission and don't allow anyone to make you feel that there's anything 'wrong' with whatever your experience or reaction is.

I feel in these ways, you can be there for your beloved one in many ways you won't regret later on, in ways that will help you feel you did whatever was possible to help the both of you through such a painful and stressful time. My aim, when Nissa was dying, was to focus on whatever I felt was best for HER, first and foremost, and to give her any possible aid w/i my means. To me, this was all about HER and her dying and I didn't want to miss anything I felt would be important to me afterward. This intense focus, plus the protective numbness/shock helped keep me calmer than I'd ever been before when dealing with anything so emotionally-awful in my life.

Unfortunately, the particular vet our clinic sent to our home screwed a few things up for her/us, but at least these weren't MY mistakes and I can still say that I did everything I knew to do for my little girl, and the rest was out of my control.

We'll all be there with you in thought on Friday evening, and of course, after. You will be with him during his next rite of passage and that's such an honour and honourABLE thing to do, for the both of you. Your love will stay with Macca, rest assured, as his will stay with you, as a part of you that also will never die. Peace to you both....

[karen - casey]

I know how hard that call was for you to make, but from what you said I feel you made the right decision for your little guy. It is obvious you love him very much and do not want him to suffer. When I took Casey I had a strange calmness during the procedure, I knew I was doing the right thing. My regular vet was not there that day, Casey was having trouble breathing (lung cancer) and we did not want to make him wait until she could be there (we just adore our vet) . The vet that did see us was very compasionate and gentle. She gave him a shot to sedate him (she said some people leave at that point as the pet no longer is aware of their surroundings, I stayed) and then gave him the shot to stop his heart. It was very peaceful.

I know this is a very difficult time for you and my thoughts are with you.

Karen

[Flossie's Mom]

OK....... one hurdle over............ now the waiting................... and Furkidlets Mom has wonderful suggestions how to help with that wait.

I know that not being able to even speak when making the appointment. I even asked "can I come now?" I wanted to get it over. Afraid I'd change my mind. They were too busy and since we were in a rural area she had to be transported for cremation & they only went there once a week. I scheduled it for the next week. They said you don't have to wait till then, we can do it any day & transport her next Thursday. NO WAY did I want her to lay there for a minute longer than she had to and I could spend that time with her if she had to wait.

Longest but also shortest week of my life I think.

Since she had trouble walking, I carried her outside a lot that next week to smell the fresh air and look all around the farm that she would have enjoyed growing up on. I talked to her a lot and told her how much I loved her. She did enjoy the summer there and I was grateful for that.

My sister-in-law had lived on that farm for 40+ years and she is the only person in 17-1/2 years that Flossie allowed to pet her at first sight. The first time we visited her Flossie made herselt at home. From that day whenever we took our yearly trip, Flossie went right in her house & straight to the area that Darlene always put her water dish for our visit just as if we'd been there yesterday. Though Darlene no longer lived at the farm during any of our visits, it just seemed as though it was a fitting place for Flossie to spend her final summer. Her ashes will return there in a few months with us to spend another summer. My husband also grew up on that farm so we feel very comfortable & peaceful there. I guess she'll continue to travel with us like she had for the last 8 years. Right in the middle of the van like always.... just tucked into the console rather on the pallet we had for her.

Cherish these last days and I wish you a peaceful, comforting experience as you help your Macca pass to the Rainbow Bridge.

[LoveThem]

I read with tears about your making the appointment. Memories do that to us.

When I had to do that with my Little Guy's twin brother, Keeper, in 2002...I called a mobile vet who came to the home. That was the first time I heard about a sedative first. She suggested it and said Keeper would just be sleeping peacefully and we could hold him and cry and be upset and he would not know. We did that and my husband held him the whole time (Keeper was also his boy as well as mine) and then the vet after so many minutes said he would be waking up soon and it was time to make the decision of whether to do it. Keeper was having trouble breathing we found out even though he was hiding it and within a week x-rays had showed tumors in both his lungs growing fast. We had her go into a spare bedroom with him and we waited. We have not been able to be there with them as they passed. I think we wanted to feel that the memory we wanted was to know they were alive when we last held them. We just are never brave enough as others to go the distance but we were always nearby until we were told they had passed. In Keeper's case, the vet said, as a comfort to us, that he went very quickly which meant he was barely hanging on and not showing it to us.

It is such a helpless feeling when you look at them and think....there is no cure...I cannot make you well again and I want to so badly.

My prayers are with you and Macca. In the past when I would drive to the vet, knowing why I was going...I always kept the thought in my mind that I can always change my mind, and even with a sedative first....again there is time...I still have the choice. I can take them home. But when the time does come for the decision at the vet...I then remember why we are there...what my baby's life is day by day and how he has changed because of the illness and how he can't make himself better and neither can I nor the vet and because I love him so much...I never want to see him suffer if I can prevent that ending. That's when I give the permission and then cry hysterically when I know my baby can't hear my grief. I want him to be peaceful and not upset cause he feels I'm upset. I guess that's why on the drive there I keep reminding myself I can always change my mind...that thought keeps me calm in front of my boy.

I am so sorry. It is a devastating time. I have been there doing exactly what you are doing, more than one time, and so has so many here. We share your pain.

Hugs to your Macca and you.

Judy

I almost forgot to mention. I took fur of each of my 3 babies from their hairbrushes (they loved to be brushed) and I put some in a air tight ziplock bag along with a favorite toy (usually a small ball) with their name. I find that when pictures and memories are not enough....there are times that by running their fur through my fingers is one way I can stay in physical touch with them forever. My Keeper was in 2002 and even today in that bag...the fur is as soft as it felt on him.
You might want to think about having some of Macca's fur. I find comfort in remembering what I am touching was actually a physical part of them.

[sissycat]

Everyone here has so much good advise for you. I can't think of anything else that should be said.

Just know we are all there with you on Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enjoy these last couple day. I wished I would have known I was loosing my Sissycat. I could have and would have told her and done so much!
Great tip about saving the fur. I saved a little but not enough. What a great mommy you are. Don't ever think different. To be able to make that choice for him when he needs your help the most--that is a great gift!!!!

Sending you so many hugs and prayers to help you through this.

Hugs to you and Macca!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[maccasmum]

Thanks so much for all of this support and advice. Macca was very sad last night and wasn't too interested in his food, and was also sick in the early hours. I feel terrible guilt today - he was scratching at my door this morning to get me up for his breakfast, and even the noise just broke my heart. He came into the bathroom with me and was looking at me with his lovely eyes... I know rationally that he is very ill and this is no life for him, but I feel so, so guilty that tomorrow his life will be over.

The stuff Furkidlets' Mom wrote made me think, and I've now decided what I'd like to happen 'afterwards'. The point about the cremation thing is something I'd not thought of - I'm going to insist on an individual one. I've also chosen a nice casket - a sleeping cat curled up in exactly the way Macca used to sleep (and boy did he love his sleep!). I'm also going to ask about the sedation - I do trust my vet though, and I know that he will do his absolute best for my boy.

I've been playing Macca some of 'our' songs and talking to him and letting him know how I feel. I'm happy though that throughout our ten years together I told him a hundred times a day how much I love him, so I know he knows. It comforting to think I will still be able to talk to him when he's gone.

I hope I can get through this. I'm so scared and sad.