Brandy Noel Is Gone; Guilt And Grief Overwhelming, Lost my baby on 10/11/08; devastated Options

[Lynsey]

She really was the most beautiful little dog. You were lucky to have her, and she was lucky to have you.

I don't know if you have heard this quote, but I wanted to share it with you:

"I have sometimes thought of the final cause of dogs having such short lives and I am quite satisfied it is in compassion to the human race; for if we suffer so much in losing a dog after an acquaintance of ten or twelve years, what would it be if they were to live double that time?"

(Sir Walter Scott)

Guilt is a natural part of grieving, but please try not to dwell on what medication she was getting, etc. You could not have loved Brandy more, and everything that you did, you did out of love for her. The grief is unbearable, I know. Six months later I still get the "ebbs and flows". Some days I am OK, and other times I think I'll never stop crying. It is days like today that I come on here to remind myself I am not alone.

Thinking of you x

[ckrspanl]

She really was the most beautiful little dog. You were lucky to have her, and she was lucky to have you.

I don't know if you have heard this quote, but I wanted to share it with you:

"I have sometimes thought of the final cause of dogs having such short lives and I am quite satisfied it is in compassion to the human race; for if we suffer so much in losing a dog after an acquaintance of ten or twelve years, what would it be if they were to live double that time?"

(Sir Walter Scott)

Guilt is a natural part of grieving, but please try not to dwell on what medication she was getting, etc. You could not have loved Brandy more, and everything that you did, you did out of love for her. The grief is unbearable, I know. Six months later I still get the "ebbs and flows". Some days I am OK, and other times I think I'll never stop crying. It is days like today that I come on here to remind myself I am not alone.

Thinking of you x

Lynsey,

Thank you for that quote; I had not heard nor read that one before, and I will keep that in my many readings by my desk. I am so sorry for your loss as well. I am trying with every fiber of my being not to dwell on the guilt. I find that it is really all consuming sometimes. Other times, like the other 19 hours I am awake since she passed, I find that I am waiting for her to come in the room, hear her little grrrr bark for me, or just to smell her puppy fur coasting through the air. I remind myself of time. Common sense tells me she has moved on, but grief seems to have pummeled the heck out of any common sense I felt I once had. I DO, however, take comfort in reading these messages and knowing people care, people who have been there, are there, and are reaching out. Thank you so very much.

[goliath]

Dear Carol,

The following is a quote I read just this last September. The words of wisdom and understanding of this writer brought me so so peace. I hope it does the same for you.

Hugs,
Beth

"They that love beyond the world cannot be separated from it.

Death cannot kill what never dies.

Nor can spirits ever be divided, that love and live in the same divine principle, the root and record of their friendship.

If absence be not death, neither is theirs.

Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas;

They live in one another still."



William Penn, More Fruits of Solitude

[ckrspanl]

Dear Carol,

The following is a quote I read just this last September. The words of wisdom and understanding of this writer brought me so so peace. I hope it does the same for you.

Hugs,
Beth

"They that love beyond the world cannot be separated from it.

Death cannot kill what never dies.

Nor can spirits ever be divided, that love and live in the same divine principle, the root and record of their friendship.

If absence be not death, neither is theirs.

Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas;

They live in one another still."



William Penn, More Fruits of Solitude

That is SO SO beautiful, Beth.. I plan to keep a copy of this next to my desk. I miss her so, I hope with time I can breathe again. Thanks again, it means a lot to me.

Hugs, Carol

[goliath]

Hi Carol,
You probably caught that I said so so peace and what I meant was so much peace. My thoughts come faster than my fingers can type out words. I'm glad you found it to be beautiful thoughts just as I did. Another reading you might find comforting is "The Journey." You can search for it here on LS and read it when you feel the need for a little peace. A wonderful friend of mine (ForDuffy) sent it to me a few months ago. Though it brought tears to my eyes, they were joyful. Sometimes I need a boost of spiritual energy myself.

Hugs,
Beth

[sissycat]

Such huge tears fell from my eyes when I read your story of Brandy. What a wonderful furpet. Sounds like you were a very good mother to her and you had many wonderful years together to make many memeries. We can all relate to your stories and feel your pain. 2 more days will be 5 months since I lost Sissycat at 2 years of age. Most days I feel pretty good. (sometimes I do feel guilty for that) At first I never thought I would have made it this long without her.
Sounds like you are a very caring person and it is great to think that maybe in the future you can give love to another pet. There are truely so many out there that need a home with people to care about them. I'm sure Brandy would want that too.

Many hugs to You and your Angel Brandy

[ckrspanl]

Goliath, Thanks so much for pointing out The Journey. I am going to go try and find it now. Your words have been very comforting to me as I read them.

Sissycat, My deepest condolences. I pray someday I can open my heart and see beyond my tears and shattered heart.

I do feel that my eyes can't cry anymore, and then the tears fall again and again. I miss her so. I am sounding like a broken record. My heart is that record and I sure am broken.

Goodnight all, blessings,
Thank you,
Carol

[ann]

Hi Crkspanl, I just noticed you were on the article about euthenization under Pet Loss Resources and Articles. I just found it myself. Everything we feel is right there. I was thinking earlier today about why we feel so guilty. Because we love them, care and protect them best we can and when they get sick or hurt we feel like we failed them. With me, all the way to the hospital that day I kept telling my Arthur he was going to ok, that I wouldn't let anything happen to him. I failed him, he trusted me and I couldn't keep my promise. Also he talks about the head and heart battle. So so true. And I like how he said to go back and live in that moment and re feel everything. The reasons why, and the stregnth we had to make this decision. That was a powerful article and I hope a lot of us here find it and read it. It helped me greatly. Especially the last part of remembering why we did it..out of love..Ann

[ckrspanl]

Hi Crkspanl, I just noticed you were on the article about euthenization under Pet Loss Resources and Articles. I just found it myself. Everything we feel is right there. I was thinking earlier today about why we feel so guilty. Because we love them, care and protect them best we can and when they get sick or hurt we feel like we failed them. With me, all the way to the hospital that day I kept telling my Arthur he was going to ok, that I wouldn't let anything happen to him. I failed him, he trusted me and I couldn't keep my promise. Also he talks about the head and heart battle. So so true. And I like how he said to go back and live in that moment and re feel everything. The reasons why, and the stregnth we had to make this decision. That was a powerful article and I hope a lot of us here find it and read it. It helped me greatly. Especially the last part of remembering why we did it..out of love..Ann

Thanks, Ann. I know that my prayers are deep and I wish for my baby to be safe in the arms of God and to live with me here in spirit each and every moment. I know what came was necessary, just my heart is so so broken. I am sorry for your loss and blessings to you.

[Bubba]

Hi ckrspanl-----I saw your post at omarmommy's thread about the shooting star.The very same thing happened to me the night my boy Willy died.I walked outside to my patio area and told him I missed him so much.The second I finished the word 'much' a shooting star whizzed by at a low altitude.I have never seen one of those before.I am convinced it was more than a coincidence.Our babies are among us and tomorrow morning when you wake up remember that you are one day closer to being with your baby forever.Just hang on as the time will continue to pass as it always has and always will.See you at Rainbow Bridge for the big reunion party.........
Bubba.............

[ckrspanl]

Bubba, Thanks for writing. I do believe that was my baby also. I just think the shock of it suddenly happening and disbelief and hurt all at once hit me. Your thoughts are very positive and that is so special that something similar happened to you. I just cant believe its been 2-1/2 weeks. ;(

Hugs,
Carol

[Bubba]

Carol-----God bless your child
Bubba.............

[LoveThem]

Hi, Carole

I'm glad to see you added that Van Dyke saying to your signature so it can be read..again and again...it is so very thoughtful.

I know crying is exhausting but it is so much a part of missing them so very much...how can it ever truly stop? Our missing and our love will never stop. We never seem to run out of tears but for me there came a time the tears everyday did not make me feel better and that is when I went looking for a furbaby to hug again. He is not my boy but he is the distraction I needed.

I still can sit and have the tears flowing down my cheeks very easily...I just have to think about how much I miss my boy. It's become a part of my life...from time to time now...and my new boy keeps it from being everyday.

I have pictures of my Little Guy in every room and I lock eyes with his so many times when I enter a room and I smile thinking how much I loved him and his siblings and how wonderful it was to have them in my life.

So, as you cry...know we are all crying with you...we feel your pain because it is the same as our pain...so you are never crying alone. We understand the hurt. Somehow, it can be comforting to realize that what has happened to us ..has also happened to others and because we all understand....we reach out to help one another in whatever way we can. We can't help our babies anymore but because of them....we can sometimes ease each other's pain.

I wish you peace and healing.....it takes time....but in time we do get back more control over our pain. It is okay to cry.....there is no tears time limits. We have to do what makes us feel better to do.

We will love them forever and miss them forever and it is truly okay to cry from the pain of missing them...that's a bond and connection that can never be broken....and sometimes.....we just NEED to cry.................

Judy

[ckrspanl]

Thanks so much for your kind words,Judy. The same to you, Bubba. My heart is broken and the hurt of missing her is so great. I know she has given me signs of her being around several times. I haven't been around because it is so painful and writing about was making it worse for me, which is ironic. I love to write. I know she would want me happy and is my guardian angel. But the loss of her physicality, well that is the worse. It will be 4 weeks this Saturday that she is gone. I cannot believe it, and with Thanksgiving approaching.

I will say this.... my spouse and I are adopting a new dog. We pick him up on Sunday. Went and met him, fell in love, and we know our hearts are big enough to give to other dogs. I am not replacing her but rather adding a new family member to our household. I have also been going to a grief counselor. I read the book "The five people you meet in Heaven" and highly recommend that as well.

I don't feel the nonstop crying coming on these days, but I do feel the devastation and the hurt is immeasurable. I know that time is there for all of us and propels us whether we want it or not. The hurt though, well I think that is one thing time cannot erase.

Hugs to all,
Carol

[LoveThem]

I am so very glad to hear about your new addition. I know that doing that is what helped me tremendously.

You might start a topic for the new one in New Beginnings and put a picture. That's where we know we can go and smile at the stories and the photos for there is a newness there that is healthy and happy and we all need to smile.

We never forget the very special friend we lost and it feels good to think of them being Angels watching over us, since they are still a part of us always by being in our hearts, and they also watch over when we get a new sister or brother in our home. Their unconditional love means that seeing us smile is what makes their day...it always did...and it always will.

Let us know about the new addition when you have time. What is his name? We would love to hear all about him.

Hugs to you and your husband. It is always nice to hear about a new addition, especially when we are in the Holidays time of year.

Judy

[ckrspanl]

Hello all,

I haven't been here because I have been trying to deal with my grief and welcome a new life into our household, while honoring the memory and life that I shared for nearly 15 years... that of Brandy Noel.

Those of you in this thread who replied to me... you'll never know how grateful I am for the words you shared. I even kept a copy of many of your words in a do%%ent so I could refer to it time and again.

Brandy Noel is so so sadly missed. Some days it seems like moments ago that she was here. Other times it feels like forever ago. ALL the time it hurts. I have learned that one of the best things I could ever do is always have a dog in my life. Brandy cherished laughter and love, imparted it so freely. And I know she'd want her mama happy. Happiness to me is sharing life with a dog. When she died, so did all the things I loved doing so much. And I felt like my child died and so did all of my interests, hobbies, recreations.... and that isn't fair to her legacy not to have those things. I know in my heart with every fiber of my being that she is there for me at the bridge, whole and free and without suffering. I will never know exactly what caused her extreme decline, and at this stage, having that answer won't bring her back Time makes things clearer but will never erase that painstaking hurt and ache that is so very guttural. That, I am afraid, remains.

I have done many things in her name. I have joined a rescue group as a contributor, continuing with my dog-related writing, brought home a new dog into my life, and our vet is going to have a open house and festival, which I am helping to coordinate. We are starting a charity in Brandy Noel's name for those who cannot afford vet care but need it for their furbaby. She was a hero to me and I want her legacy to go on helping. If I can tell her story, she stays alive in spirit and will never be forgotten.

I also had a webpage designed for her, and I go to it morning and night and pray. I ache with every deep fiber of who I am, but all the tears and grief and anger won't bring her back. In fact, if she could tell me anything, I know she'd speak and tell me not to give up hope. There is a life after this one... and that is called eternity. To that end, I have hope. I know I will see her again.

Meantime, she has a little brother who is such an amazing spirit. I love him as much as I will always love her. I never thought I'd want to open myself up in that way again, but my heart's doors have plenty of love to share and swing open. It wouldn't be fair not to share it. So in her honor, allow me to present Dexter, a 6-month c.spaniel, who in soooo many ways is so much like her and in so many ways, so not like her. The balance is perfect. I love you, Brandy Noel, precious baby. Always watch mommy and your brother, and run free with that stick girl.... until we meet again.

[myhrtisbrkn]

Welcome Dexter...you darling, darling, boy!

[ann]

Hello again, Dexter is one lucky soul to have you in his life. I think your work in helping the less furtunate with vet care is extrodinarily generous, words cannot describe. I was talking with a co worker about that very same thing not too long ago. Even something like setting up a some kind of pet food pantry, donated and given out free in need. With your special work and me voulenteering at a shelter(to start) is something I never would have done b4. I think in some ways our baby's passing, as sad and painful it may be, is bringing us closer to helping their kind, who so badly need us. God bless you and your kind heart. This world needs more of that...Hugs to you, Brandy Noel, and Dexter..Ann

[ckrspanl]

Hi Ann,

Good to hear from you and thanks for taking the time to express your sentiments. You are a very kind soul, and I take comfort in knowing people like you understand what I am going through and are also making a difference in the world.....

Blessings.

[LoveThem]

Thank you for the update and for the sweet picture of Dexter....what a cutie he is!

You have done a lot to help your healing and to honor your special girl, Brandy Noel.
She will truly never be forgotten.

Being an Angel, I am sure she is watching over you and her new little brother, Dexter,
and I can imagine her tail wagging like crazy. She is never gone because she is in your heart forever and her spirit and soul surround you 24/7.

I am glad to see Dexter...6 months old...hope you have a lot of energy (I remember my puppies always had lots ). I know he is already giving you a special love and joy that you need.
And since he needed a home and love...it is a win-win situation....one that Brandy Noel definitely approves of.

I agree with what you said about wanting a special sweetheart in your home always...I feel the same way. There is something about that unconditional love we receive...that we can't always do without and so it seems that love allows us to open our heart and home to another who needs to be loved and has so much of that special love to give.

Hugs to you and Dexter and to your Special Angel, Brandy Noel. She still is and will always be part of your family and with you 24/7.

Judy