The What Ifs Are Killing Me ..sparkle Kitty Is Gone Forever Options

[oldanteeks]

I can't seem to stop crying. And the what ifs keep surfacing. My little teenager cat Gracie was the sparkle in the house. My little girl among her 5 older brother cats. We live on a dead end road in a rural community, I actually bought the house because I thought the cats would love it and be safe from harm.I have lived here for 10 years without a problem. Her brother Junior cried that morning insistently to go outside. they are always in for the night, which he hardly ever does. So I went downstairs to let him out about 7am and little Gracie followed me down. Those two always went out together. I held the door open and looked at Gracie to see if she wanted to go not realizing that her whole life depended on my action. About 9 I went to the backdoor and let Jr in and Gracie was not there. I didn't think to much of it because she loves to be outside and sometimes takes a while to come in to eat. But as the day wore on I knew she was never coming back. She had a routine and was a confident outside kittie who never strayed. If she could have come back she would have. I believe a fox got her because she was so small for her age about 9 months. This is the first year the hay field next to ours was put into corn and it was just cut and the foxes must use our treeline to get to the other field to hunt. If only I hadn't let her out , if only Jr hadn't cried, if only it was raining and cold like now instead of sunny on that day I would never have let her out, If only the field was in hay the foxes would never have come so close to the house, if ;only the canadian geese weren't out there to maybe lure the foxes close to the house. She must have been playing and made a rustle in the weeds and the fox went to see and grabbed her. I feel so guilty ...what was I thinking to let my little girl out. The foxes had never bothered my big cats but she was so much smaller. I put flyers in every mailbox for miles but I know she is never coming back. It will always haunt me, The sweetest thing in the world gone because of my stupidity. I always tried to let her out and supervise her but I thought she would be safe.I can't even pretend to believe she is in "heaven". What kind of God would make a system where everything is killing everything else to eat. My little sweatheart ,,who loved everything, me ,my husband, the other cats( some of whom did not love but tolerated her), the bed, the garden. she was the sparkle of the house.If she had lived a few more days she probably would never have been let out again because of the cold and would have gotten a lot bigger and safer. I just can't accept that. It's not fair. I keep reliving opening the door and seeing her go out.If she had been two seconds later coming down the stairs she would have been inside. I should have known better. One second one way or another and she would be alive. It will haunt me forever. I have this overwhelming urge to do something that will bring her back and I can't.It seems so final and horrible.I lost six very old cats over the past 18 months from " old age" and cancer and of course am still getting over it and Gracie was part of my new happiness. But I didn't feel this horrible what if , this horrible guilt, the sorrow over a young life over because of me when they died. She was nothing but a ball of happiness now snuffed our for ever because I was stupid and never considered the foxes. Will the sorrow ever go away?