A Question Options

[Ruth]

Hello again. Things aren't going as well as I had anticipated or hoped. It's been 10 days since my little boy passed away, but while I'm in the house I'm still not getting more than a couple of minutes relief in any one go.

I guess this is 'normal', and it is early days yet but it is making life very hard. I'm not looking forward to going home tonight - why are the evenings so very long when they used to flash by! I'm not looking forward to the weekend and the only thing I'm looking forward to at the moment is the passing of time knowing I'll feel better eventually.

Anyway, I noticed some telephone numbers for pet bereavement counsellors and was wondering whether I should try one. Have any of you have ever used one and did you find it helpful? Believe me, this is sooooo not me and if I had someone to talk to I wouldn't entertain the idea. To even consider this seems barmy and makes me cringe. I certainly would never mention it to anyone else for fear of being locked up!

Any advice would be gratefully received.

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi Ruth,

I know this must be so hard---beyond words. Ten days is not long, and you're right: you will feel better eventually.

I'm so sorry that you have no one in your life to really talk to about this!

But in the meantime, a pet-bereavement counselor sounds like an excellent idea. I have not tried one, though I thought about it. Have you ever been to the rainbow bridge pet-bereavement site? It lists a counselor's number there, too, for phone support.

I know that the average person just does not seem to "get it" when it comes to this type of grief. I've heard it said, though, that it's actually one of the most difficult kinds of grief, partly because we don't get anywhere near as much support from others as we would if we'd lost a human, partly because our pets depended on us for everything, and there are other reasons that I can't think of right now.

You're in my prayers, Ruth. Keep us posted. And remember that we're all here for you.

Love,

Kathy

[karen424]

Ruth, there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help from a counselor. Grief is a heavy, heavy thing and sometimes we need the support of someone who is right there, one on one, to help cope with this. Don't let anyone make you think it's stupid to go either. You need to take care of RUTH and do what is necessary to find peace at home. I want you to be able to go home and instead of feeling such heavy sadness and grief, feel the love that you shared with Duke. Something else you might want to check into are books for helping to cope with loosing a pet. There are a lot of them to choose from.

I'll be thinking of you Ruth and keeping you in my prayers...

Love,
Karen

[Arnold]

My thoughts are with you, Ruth. My loss is very recent as well and already I've talked with several people who have said "Don't be afraid to see a pet grief counselor if you need to." I don't think it is a nutty thing to do. Sometimes there is just too much emotion to handle - and if you have no one to talk to, then what outlet do you have? This site has helped me a lot this week by giving me an outlet, but I have also had others in my life whose shoulders I could cry on in the evening, after work, when it is hardest.

I had a little bit of time yesterday when I was very busy at work and my grief had to be pushed back for a while. It really was a relief to not be in such agony for a bit. If you are not getting any kind of time away from your pain - or at least, then intensity of it - then seek some assistance!

Please take care of yourself.

[sonnet]

I lost Sonnet 8 weeks ago tomorrow and it does get somewhat better to come home but I have also made some changes that have helped like sometimes I don't come straight home after work. On the weekends I really just do my errands at an extremely leisurely pace so I'm gone longer. If you like books you can go to a bookstore and just get lost in books for a couple of hours on the weekend. I've eaten dinner out after work at least 1 time a week also as a diversion whereas normally I would always come straight home to take care of Sonnet. I've tried to call a couple of neighborhood pet grief groups but they weren't available anymore and that's when I went back on-line and found this great site. I have the blessing of friends I know because of Sonnet who I can talk to but I also don't want to overburden them and one of them did suggest to me a private counselor but so far I haven't looked into that. I do have many ups and downs, although it seems like more downs. But we have all lost our best friends so we need to have patience and be good to ourselves. Hope this is helpful so you know you're not alone.

Sonnet's mom

[gingerspal]

Dear Ruth,
I completely agree with the other posters! An in-person grief counselor is a wonderful idea. I honestly felt like I was "LOSING IT" when I had to deal with Ginger's demise. And I had some support since I live with my significant other AND another cat! You, on the other hand, live on your own and your full time at-home companion was Duke...so if these things are at all quantifiable, certainly you are the hardest hit! A friend of mine here at Lightning strike is sharing some online grief counseling sessions with me and I find them valuable. For you though it seems like a session in the flesh might be preferred. I hope you do follow up on this because working through your grief should not be downplayed or glossed over. It is a process and a challenge that you should make a top priority!
I am thinking of you and you have my complete support (as everyone's here!)
love,
Patti

[Ruth]

LittleGirlsMommy - Thanks. I do live on my own and I'm normally quite happy on my own, but I do have family so maybe it sounded worse than it is. The thing is, we're pretty stoical and don't really talk about our feelings openly with one another. It works most of the time. The only reason I can open up here is because I'm anonymous to a large extent. This isn't the normal me. Even on the internet, I've been on sites for years and no one knows my real name.

Karen, I wouldn't let anyone let me think it was stupid to contact a counsellor because I wouldn't tell them. It's me that thinks it's kind of daft.

Arnold's Mom, no one over here knows that pet grief counsellors even exist - in fact I didn't until I went searching for one. I work five days a week 9-5 and that has been very helpful to me. I went into work the day afterhe died because although it was awful, it wasn't quite as bad as staying at home. The last couple of days, I have been able to concentrate on things for a while at work which has been great.

Sonnet's Mom, you're right. Today I did something I have never done before (particularly on a Friday) I stayed at work after everyone had gone! I used the time to surf the net and visit some of my old haunts which aren't connected with pet loss and found it quite relaxing. I am taking the opportunities to go elsewhere this weekend as it's a relief for me to be out of the house, though if things were normal I would have quite happily stayed at home.

Gingerspal, thank you for your kind words. I know you and everyone else has gone to hell and back - it's only cir%%stances that are different.

I don't think I get to personally visit the counsellor even if I decide to go through with it. What appears to be on offer is a phone session where I ring him/her. The first step is to ring the main number and get a number of a local counsellor which I might do in a minute (or not).

[Muffins]

Dear Ruth:

It HAS only been 10 days since your lil' boy has passed away ----- So Naturally..... this is a tough time for you.
A VERY TOUGH TIME!!!!!

You miss him, and coming home and not having Duke there to greet you.....I certainly understand, Ruth! We all do
understand, for sure!!!!

I PERSONALLY THINK THAT A PET BEREAVEMENT COUNSELOR IS A FANTASTIC IDEA!!!! REALLY, I DO!!!

Believe me, this is sooooo not me and if I had someone to talk to I wouldn't entertain the idea.  To even
consider this seems barmy and makes me cringe.  I certainly would never mention it to anyone else for fear of
being locked up.

Please, you just lost your beloved Duke.... I am sorry that speaking to a bereavement counselor, would make
you feel uncomfortable.... You're a HUMAN BEING, with real feelings........ You have ALL OF THE EMOTIONS THAT
WE ALL DO.......... YOU KNOW????

You are going through sooooooooooooo many changes right now; I remember how it was in the beginning.....
My best girlfriend just WASN'T HERE ANYMORE!!!

Yes, Ernestine and I were lucky to have had 19 years & 10months to spend together.....
And, there were many, many things that "I wish I did", or "I wish that I didn't..." (that list went on & on)....

But, as someone on this site said to me, "You and Ernie were family.....and, that's how families are".....

Personally, for me............If I did not have Lightning-Strike to come to.....to vent....to cry...to cry...and occasionally laugh.......I DO NOT KNOW WHERE ON GOD'S EARTH I WOULD BE RIGHT NOW!!!!!

MD knows how I feel............"God bless you, MarcDavid for this wonderful site, in Tribble's memory"....

And, for all of the wonderful people that post on here, that have helped me.....I've read the posts of some people that
I have never written to...., but, their posts have helped me to heal just as much!!!

Maybe by now, it's 6:41 in the Boston, MA area (EST), you have spoken with a pet-grief counselor...

I want to let you know Ruth, that I would be absolutely happy if you would like me to call you... As a friend, and, as
someone who you can just VENT & CRY AND BE YOURSELF....

I know that you are "over the Ocean", and that's not a problem for me.... I would be very happy to talk with you....

And hopefully, I personally would love to help you with "being happy again in your own home".... Or, initially, BEING
"OKAY" WITH BEING AT HOME, FOR RIGHT NOW....

After our Ernestine was put to sleep, "the silence in this house was deafening......" And, although I was definitely, without question one of those people who never, ever wanted another cat--------ever...........

It was one month to the day, that Ben & I adopted two new friends........
This coming Saturday, will be 6 months that our precious Ernestine has been at Rainbow's Bridge......

Dear God, I know that she is sooooooooo happy there. Her last 3 months of life were absolutely miserable here. She is running outside in the grass, and through the beautiful flowers......

There's no question in my mind.........All of our babies are running around together, up there at
Rainbow's Bridge.....And there's no more pain.... They're happy now..


Really, it would be a real gift to me, if you wanted me to call you - to try and help... And, as well, we could also write one another.... Do you "write in a journal????" That used to help me SOOOOOOOOO much, when I needed help in
trying to "figure stuff out", "going through my divorce; which was a fantastic thing"....

I just care about you, and everyone here at LS......It's hard (very hard), to have had a very special family member in
our lives for such a very long time, and then, they're gone......

I can promise you, Ruth, and everyone else that things do GET BETTER!!!!!! THEY DO!!! For some, it happens
pretty quickly, and for others, it takes awhile.

I will ALWAYS MISS ERNESTINE..........But, her little body was tired, and she was ill....It was her time.... I hope that, if
I am ever suffering, and it appears that "I will go on for awhile", that some loving person will be there in my time of need,
to help me pass, from this life to the next.

Ruth, your sweet baby boy is happy now..... I hope that you can believe that, my friend....

Right now, I am sure that Duke is "meeting the newcomers", who are just now passing over to Rainbow's Bridge... And, he is probably, showing the newcomers, "THE ROPES"...

All of our babies, that are at Rainbow's Bridge, do receive their "ANGEL WINGS".....
I think that we would all be very, very happy seeing our kids soooooooo very happy!!!

God Bless you, my friend.....
You are in my thoughts and in my prayers....

Love, Denise

[Ruth]

Well the good news is at 7.30pm I plucked up courage to ring the helpline 'open daily from 8.30am - 8.30pm'. Not so good was that there was no one there so I left a message and no one has rang me back yet. (It's now 1.30pm the next day). I must admit I felt a little peeved as I'd had to think about it for a while before I felt confident enough to ring them. I shouldn't have felt this way as it's probably a voluntary service so I can't expect them to be there at my beck and call.

As it happened Friday evening wasn't too bad, particularly compared to Thursday evening that seemed to last a week. I've got through it ok and am going out later and won't be around much tomorrow so that'll get rid of a lot of the weekend.

Can I ask you Muffins, how this site came about - who Marc David is and what made him establish this wonderful community that has helped so many during their darkest days.

I do write a journal. Normally only a few lines, but I've written pages and pages since it happened. Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed I like to write it down - somehow it helps to get it out of my head and onto a page. I might not ever read it again but it gives me the opportunity to vent all my frustration and pain. It also helps me to understand what I'm feeling as I can tell myself in black and white the guilt is normal. I don't think I would have realised everyone feels guilty unless I had found this site. That's the thing that has helped me the most.

I'm certainly of the mind that I will never have another pet. Maybe things will change, maybe they won't, but I'll know if and when the time is right. At the moment, I just want... well, you know how I feel at the moment.

Thank you for your offer of support. It means a great deal to me. To know that there are so many kind loving people here who have all been through the same thing has been something of a lifeline. Thank you.

[Muffins]

Hi Ruth:

I'm happy that you called and left a message with a grief counselor - but you're right, since they are all volunteer,
a call probably won't come for 24-48 hours.

In answer to your question with regard to MarcDavid, and how this site came to be.....

To get the "full story", please put the following in your computer -------->> lightning-strike.com
I'm not sure why I can't make it "clickable"....

And, you will come into a graphic that looks like a "lightning strike"....(and, it sounds like a "lightning-strike")

There, it tells all about "Tribble", or "Tribby-Dog" Cohn, as this tabby was affectionately known...
This was MarcDavid's precious cat, who died on 1/1/96.
He was in his life for 13 years....

I believe that, at that time, there probably was no where for MarcDavid to go, to try and find some healing,
with respect to losing his beloved "Tribby-Dog"....(because of his size.....HIS PICTURES ARE PRECIOUS)....

So.............he decided to come up with a site where people could receive "lightning fast assistance", after losing
their beloved fur-kids........... (actually finned, scaly, winged.........any kind of animal friend)....

And, he's also a very special guy..... (But, then coming up with such a wonderful site -- I guess that we all knew that!)

I hope that you will hop onto that site, and read all about the start of lightning-strike....

Take Good Care, my friend...
You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, Denise

P.S. You can always reach MarcDavid at LS Support

This post has been edited by Muffins: Aug 7 2004, 01:22 PM

[LS Support]

Can I ask you Muffins, how this site came about - who Marc David is and what made him establish this wonderful community that has helped so many during their darkest days.

hi

the main page of the site explains it pretty well, but denise did a great job. back in 96 there weren't very
many resources available on the net, and i was chastised in an online group called alt.support.grief. so i built
this site in honor of tribble, then worked for months to create alt.support.grief.petloss which became
successful for many years, but has since passed on because of mean people who just dont understand.

i am 42, a professional writer who lives in columbus ohio, am divorced, and have 2 great kids under 7 years old.

[sonnet]

After Sonnet I felt that I couldn't love another dog again and actually I didn't want any dog. But now, the 8 week point was yesterday, and I feel I can love a dog again but I'm going to take my time and, like my brother said, there'll be a connection when the "right" one comes along. Then you'll know it's the right time also.

Sonnet's mom

[Ruth]

Thank you Denise and Marc for explaining how this site came to be. I can well imagine that the early internet was not a good place to find pet loss support. Thank goodness things have changed a little, at least on the net. It's a marvelous tribute to Tribble that so many people have been helped by this site - thank you.

Sonnet's Mom, have you got a rescue centre near you? If it's anything like the one near me, they'll need voluntary dog walkers to ensure they all get regular excercise. There's probably nothing nearby, but if there is it might be an opportunity to see how you feel with another dog and find out which if any connects with you.

The pet counsellor person did ring back at 3.30 the next day. She hadn't heard the phone before. This was the first stage. She gave me the telephone number of a local counsellor whom I have yet to ring. I felt my voice going shaky even when I was talking to the organiser, so I'm a bit worried that all I'll do is blub if I ring this other number. I'll give it some thought.

Thank you all for your encouragement.

[Arnold]

Hi Ruth. I think the hardest part is over - you took that first step. I wouldn't be too concerned about doing nothing but blub - when I think of the marriage counseling I went through prior to my divorce "oh-so-many-years-ago, all I did at first was blub. Doesn't matter the cause, if you have that kind of intense emotion, let it out!

I'm rooting for you Ruth. If you try it and don't like it you can always stop, but you won't know until you try.

Good luck - let us know how it goes.

Nanci

[LS Support]

so I'm a bit worried that all I'll do is blub if I ring this other number

i am sure they are quite used to it, blub away

[sonnet]

Yes you should call and blub to these people who can help, and like was said before, if you don't like it you don't have to do it again. As fas as a rescue group, I did foster a dog for 2 weeks but I think it was too soon-it was the 3 week point after Sonnet was gone. But I feel a real healing has taken place in my heart this last week. I'm even sleeping at this point the entire night now and not depressed. I made a memorial scrapbook as a tribute to Sonnet yesterday and I really enjoyed it. In fact the pictures I placed in there made me smile, just like she did. It's been 9 weeks as of Saturday and I do miss and love Sonnet so very much but as others have told me, she would want me to be happy and she'll "send" the right dog to me. I've submitted an application to Lab Rescue so we'll see what happens next. I'm not going to rush anything, it'll all happen in God's right timing.
Sonnet's mom