I Miss Fuzzball....... Options

[Wanda]

[I]It's taken me a while to post here about the loss of my furkitty-Fuzzball. I have been just reading but now it's time to post!
Fuzzball has been gone 47 days and I miss him so very much. When the 1 month came a long I had a really rough time and I still have my moments, sometimes bad moments. The evening of his death is srill so very vivid in my mind just as if it happened yesterday. I've went through all the what if's and guilt feelings. The guilt feelings is slowly going away. I had one big guilt that was eating away at me and that was the thyroid pill I had given him and he then died in my arms. The vet and I talked just recently and I told her the pill was crushed with a little water added and she then told me I didn't kill my Fuzzball like I've neen thinking that I did. She said with it crushed with water added I didn't harm him. Fuzzball was dehydrated and it all started a week before he passed on. She gave him fluid injections and sent us home. The following week he got so he wasn't eating very well nor drinking much. Back to the vet we went and he was severely dehydrated by then and more fluids were injected. She said also if his organs were shutting there wouldn't be anything she'd be able to do for him. She ordered bloodwork for the next morning and when we got there he had to have more fluid injections. They did the bloodwork. He died that evening. That morning the dog and Fuzzball just looked at each other intently and I think I knew then that Fuzzball was going to leave me. I did not have a good feeling! About 1/2 hour before Fuzzball passed on we did say our good byes and I told him that I know he's leaving me and that I love him very much and will miss him terrible and to go where he'll be well again and no pain. He looked at me intently and started to purr so loud. Then I gave him that pill and he died. I wish I hadn't given him that pill! The vet had called to tell me to give him his thyroid pill but I already had and I told her he died and that I killed him! She said to quit saying that. I held onto him for 2 hrs and carried him like a baby.....he was my BABY.....wrapped in a blanket with his head out of it , petting his head and kissing him. I was a basket case for a few hours! I was alone through all of it when he left me. It was really hard the next morning to release him to the vet.....I had my Baby cremated and I have memorialized him. The vet did tell me later on that she suspected Fuzzball's kidney's were shutting down. I thought I was coming a long pretty good until my sis furkitty- Kitty- died Aug 1st. It brought everything back full force when my Baby left me. I cried and cried and cried! And still am! Sometimes I feel as though I'm going to really lose it! I feel so bad at times.
I miss my Baby so much! I miss him on the back of my recliner lying there purring and sleeping as I sit there. I miss him lying on my pillow with me sleeping and he purring and being there with me. I miss him waking me up in the mornings when I have slept past his feeding time..........the gentle cuffing on the cheek, and gently head butting me. There's a lot of things I miss about him!
I had Fuzzball 17 years from the time he was a kitten.

I love my Baby so much!


Wanda

This post has been edited by Wanda: Aug 11 2004, 11:30 AM

[gingerspal]

aw wanda. I wish I could give you a real life hug. What a beautiful post you wrote about your dear Fuzzball.
17 years is such a long time! Of course you sometimes feel like your are "losing it". boy, can I relate. I have always been pretty stoic, but after I lost Ginger (that is him in my avatar) I did think sometimes I was going sort of "looney". I just understand a thousand percent.
What comes through your post loud and clear is so much tenderness! I feel confident (and so does your vet) that the final crushed up pill and Fuzzball's demise coincided but were not related. Do you know if you had given Fuzzball a dropper full of water and Fuzzball suc%%bed in that same moment you would blame yourself for giving him water and "causing" his death. If you read up enough on the dynamics of pet ownership you will find that guilt comes part and parcel with pet ownership and "the end". Go back and look at some of our posts, you will see a litany of "If I hadn't left just then, if I had only shut the gate, if only I had left the gate open, if I hadn't changed his food, if I only would have kept his food the same..etc etc". You were responsible for Fuzzball for 17 years on a daily basis. You did everything for Fuzzball --everything! You provided Fuzzball with food, water, shelter, medical attention, protection from harm, affection continually...these are responsibilities that you keenly felt so it stands to reason that you would also feel "responsibility" for Fuzzball's demise. That is something we posters here have all determined together...that there is no way your Fuzzball could have passed away without your feeling responsible for it! No way. It wouldn't matter how he died..you would still have this "guilty" feeling and it is precisely because of all the responsibility you felt toward him for many years. It is a %%lative total.
It is also illogical of course. Everything that lives must die but as pet owners we can not
"stand" that our pets live so much less time than we do. It is too difficult to face that so we pretend that our pets won't die if only we lavish enough attention upon them. But nature will not be denied.
I am so glad you had such a remarkable and perfect friend for so many years. I sure hope we get to see a photo and maybe a tribute for Fuzzball. My tribute to Ginger is over on the Tributes forum. Perhaps you'll visit over there and post a memorial for your sweet Fuzzy.
I loved the part about the "loud purr". What a dear animal who continues to live in your heart.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{WANDA}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
love,
Patti
We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached. Unable to accept its awful gaps, we would still live no other way. We cherish memory as the only certain immortality, never fully understanding the necessary plan.” From “The Once Again Prince” by Irving Townsend

[Muffins]

Dear Wanda:

I am sorry Wanda, about your beloved Fuzzball's passing.......
But, I do want to say that I am glad that you have come here on Lightning-Strike to share your story....

I believe that one can only say, "I understand what you're going through", when they themselves have
been through what you are going through.....

I have been through this horrible pain, as have everyone else here on LS.....
This place is like my "2nd home".....because, everyone here is wonderful, and I surely would not be
where I am, if not for the very special people here, on Lightning-Strike....

You are still in the very early stages of the grieving process.... Someone on this site once told me
that, "for every year you have owned your pet, it takes one month of healing, per year"...

I just want to say, that the reason I said, "pet", is because our beloved animal family friends are not only
"the furry kind"............Some have "winged friends", "scaly friends", "finned friends"...., etc...

Fuzzball's illness sounds somewhat like my girl, Ernestine's..... She went to Rainbow's Bridge on 2/7/2004..

She had hyperthyroidism (when she was 15, she had 1/2 her thyroid removed), and then was put on Tapazole....
It was a bit of a struggle keeping her regulated........but, we did manage..

Then she developed kidney disease when she was around 18 & 1/2........ Dietary changes at first.....
Lots of blood tests to make sure that at least she was stable....

The following week he got so he wasn't eating very well nor drinking very much.  Back to the vet we went
and he was severely dehydrated by then and more fluids were injected.

At that point, Ernestine wasn't eating...and the vet said that she was starting to starve herself.... I cannot tell
you how happy Ben and I were when she'd eat even 1 teaspoon of food......but, that wasn't enough to sustain her
life.
Her organs were shutting down as well...

She had lost 25% of her body weight in 3 months...... On 2/7/2004, Ben & I brought Ernestine to the veterinarian,
and we had her put to sleep.
I had prayed very, very hard that God please take her, in her sleep ---- But, that wasn't to be....

Yes, I did have my sweet girl in my life for a long time (in cat years)....She was two months shy of her 20th birthday..
But, still, that didn't help to ease my pain at that time.....

Now, I really and truly thank God for our lives together.... I bought her at a pet store (and, I'll tell you....it was the
best $10.00 I HAVE EVER, EVER SPENT).... She was worth millions!!!!
I was 23, and she went to Rainbow's Bridge when I was 43... We went through so much together.... And, Ernie
helped me through soooo much!!

Wanda, when you said your Fuzzball "looked at you intently and started to purr so loud"..... Really, that's beautiful.
Your beloved Fuzzball is at Rainbow's Bridge.............where he is young again.......there isn't any pain.... He's
running through the fields, the meadows, looking at the birds,....... He's having a fantastic time... Really, he is!!

Please don't ever think that the thyroid pill you gave your sweet boy was what killed him.....
Like Patti (Gingerspal) said, "If you had just given Fuzzball a dropper full of water, and then he died....., you'd blame
yourself for giving him the water....."

GUILT.........IT'S ONE THING US HUMAN PEOPLE DO QUITE WELL, THAT'S FOR SURE

I know that you miss your sweet baby, Wanda....

I can only say, that...........Given time, it will get better........
You will start thinking about Fuzzball with smiles, instead of tears.....
You'll start remembering all the funny, happy times the two of you shared....

I have to go back to when you said that, "Fuzzball looked at you intently, and started to purr soooo loud"...

I think Fuzzball was saying,

"Thank you soooooooooo much for loving me, for taking care of me, mommy.....For being
my best friend all those years..... For choosing me as your kitty, way back when....
For letting me be your fur-son..... I will always & forever be with you..... I will be right there, right in
your heart.... And, I'll just be a memory away..... We will be together again, mom.... Don't you ever forget that!!
But, until that time, I want you to have a full & happy life..... Please don't worry about me.... From what I hear,
there are lots of friends for me to play with at Rainbow's Bridge....
When the time is right, that's when we'll be together again, for all eternity.....
Just remember that I will always love you, mom....."

Wanda, you are in my thoughts and you are in my prayers.....
I'm glad that you read some of our posts.... I hope that in some way, that helped you....
And, I hope that it continues to help....

We all care about you.....

God Bless you!!!

Love, Denise

[Wanda]

Hi!
Thank You for the responses and it's greatly appreciated! I loved reading both of the posts even though they made me cry! I know I need to be here!
I miss my boy so much and I do know it's going to be quite some time with the grieving. I've never felt such grief and pain in all my life that I am feeling right now. It's awful! I didn't feel like this when my father and mother passed on......sure I had the grief and everything but it was nothing compared to losing my Baby! I was so nausous and I really did think I was going to throw up when Fuzz passed on and I had to force myself to go back home when we'd be out the next day ( actually the whole weekend) after my Baby left me. The void was so great then and it still is. I miss him not greeting me at the door when I'd come home and now it's only my dog ( DJ ) that greets me. Sometimes when I open the door I expect to see my Baby there with DJ greeting me but he's not. I know Fuzz is healthy now, happy, running, and having a good time with all the others at Rainbow Bridge. He knows how much I love him and I know he loves me to. Fuzz and I had been through a lot together....the ups and the downs. Fuzz was temperamental at times and he sure did put people in their places! What a cat he was!

Later on I will give a tribute to my Fuzz!

I will also try to put a picture on here sometime but I can't guarentee anything because I haven't quite learned to do that yet.


Love
Wanda

[dobielover]

Wanda,
Im so sorry for your loss.
I just had to put my dog A.J down almost 2 weeks ago.
This site has helped me alot.
My pup was only 4 yrs. old.
So it had been so hard for me especially w/the guilt.
I have SO much guilt its so hard.
But i know that posting here will help and everyone here is GREAT!!
Again im so sorry for your loss.
Jamie
(dobielover!)

[Wanda]

Jamie,
I am so sorry for your loss. I remember you from the petlovers site. I felt great guilt when my baby left me but I am slowly overcoming it with the help of the vet and everyone here. I know this is the place to be and there are wonderful people here to help us. I know it's helping you being here just as it's helping me. I've only been here a short time and I'm glad I came here. I know I am going to have bad days and it's wonderful to know that I can come here for the comfort and support I need.

Once again I am sorry for your loss.


Wanda