Real Men Don't Grieve...or Do They? Options

[LS Support]

i found an interesting article about men and grief and linked it to my pet loss blog (i dont maintain the blog like i should, but the article is a good read).

Read entire article >>

p.s. turn off pop up blocker for a new window.

[goliath]

WOW! I am so glad you brought the article of how real men grieve. I hope others read it too. So many times, when I read other people's threads, particularly women, I feel sad for them as they express disappointment and hurt that their spouse or other family and friends don't understand. Many of these people in our lives understand much more than we think they do.

My husband was out of town when our Goliath passed away. He was working. When I called him with uncontrollable sobbing, and told him Goliath was gone, he said he was getting his gear together and was driving home right away. He drove from Texas to our home in Michigan in less than 2 days. We spent the next week just lying in each others arms and cried together.

He SEEMED to recover much faster than I was. Yet I could feel his sadness by his silence. On one of my very bad days I said to him "You don't miss Goliath the way I do." The response he made out of love was.......... "Beth, just because I don't grieve in the same way as you do, doesn't mean I don't miss him just as much as you do." He also said "Beth I loved Goliath too and I will always be thankful for the happiness he brought into our lives." I was shocked!!! Thinking back about that conversation, I shouldn't have been shocked at all. After all, I married a man full of compassion and love for all living creatures. Perhaps that is why we have been married for 34 years.

YES! I have been blessed with a REAL MAN to share our sorrows, our joys, as well as our hopes and dreams.

Thank you for bringing such an inspiring article with so much insight for all of us to learn something from.

[toonie]

That was a wonderful account Beth and proof positive that these "Martians" are just as sensitive and loving as we are but they definitely express it and process it differently.
Your husband was ideal, for this you both deserve credit, those 34 years
may have had something to do with this, each helps the other grow. Beautiful people, having found each other, that is precious. I always thought I grieved my cats alone, that the 3 men in my family easily put their sadness aside and moved on with little left.
A year later, I convinced them all to let in an old pensionner cat, one who couldn't face the winter otherwise. One day, one son noticed that the old cat was doing the same 'I want a treat' dance that my precious Yukon used to. When he told me about it, I saw his voice break and I realized that somewhere very deep and very hidden inside of him, he had kept on the back burner the deep hurt and deep love, that I never realized that there was a candle still burning inside that manly heart. Men are indeed different, but we should consider that appearances aside, they have the same capacity to love and
therefore to hurt, they only process it differently.

[LS Support]

well, all i can say is i was a mess when Tribby died. but i am 50% woman, so they say

[goliath]

One day, one son noticed that the old cat was doing the same 'I want a treat' dance that my precious Yukon used to.  When he told me about it, I saw his voice break and I realized that somewhere very deep and very hidden inside of him, he had kept on the back burner the deep hurt and  deep love, that  I never realized that there was a candle still burning inside that manly heart. 

Thanks for sharing your story Toonie. What a precious sight to see the "the treat dance" continue through the pensionner cat. Your son must have been touched deeply as I am sure you were as well when he told you. Perhaps Yukon reached out and touched your son and you to say hello and bring you such happiness and smiles. Those kinds of remembrances are the best.

Yesterday when I came home from work my husband was out in the yard with Gidget. The weather is getting warmer so now we take Gidget out in the yard to do her potty business. In the harsh coldness here during Michigan winters we have never made our chihuahuas go all the way out as they only weigh 6 pounds.

Anyway, as I saw my hubby out there with Gidget, for just a fraction of a second I saw Goliath there with them. I walked out to them after I put my car in the garage and quickly realized my hubby had tears in his eyes.

YES!!! Candles of love do burn in their manly hearts!

[toonie]

Anyway, as I saw my hubby out there with Gidget, for just a fraction of a second I saw Goliath there with them. I walked out to them after I put my car in the garage and quickly realized my hubby had tears in his eyes.

YES!!! Candles of love do burn in their manly hearts!

Perhaps some of our guys see how hard we take these things and feel like they must
balance it out by not going into their own feelings and that makes me feel rather selfish when I see it this way, but then again it isn't good to try and bury our feelings. It certainly brings up a lot of questions about men and women and their own grief. Does one get over it quicker if one tries to bury the feelings or does it come up later, in high blood pressure etc..????The strangest thing I read in our newspaper lately was that people who complain and moan about their(physical) pain more than the others take longer to heal than those who try and silently endure it ? That got me wondering but at the same time how can we not be how we truly are and cry and grieve when we lose such precious beings, if I knew how to not feel I would have tried it.

well, all i can say is i was a mess when Tribby died. but i am 50% woman, so they say happy.gif

There should be more like you, these sensitive hearts and honest souls do cry easily and take things to heart. My dad was one and I have known other men like this.
He couldn't hide his emotions whereas my mother prided herself for her self control.
Looking at the big picture, my heart goes for my dad and how he was, so much more of a human being, not male or female but complete. More power to you Mark.

[goliath]

The strangest thing I read in our newspaper lately was that people who complain and moan about their(physical) pain more than the others take longer to heal than those who try and silently endure it ? That got me wondering but at the same time how can we not be how we truly are and cry and grieve when we lose such precious beings, if I knew how to not feel I would have tried it.

It is true Toonie that people who complain and moan all the time do take longer to heal both physically, mentally, and spiritually.

My work in healthcare is in physical therapy. Those patients who have a positive attitude and follow our suggestions heal much faster than those who don't. Some of those same patients never have a nice thing to say about anything. Others love the attention they are getting and don't progress as quickly as they should. Also many of those we rehab that have suffered strokes and brain tumors seem to be the ones who find the strength to take a positve approach get stronger quicker.

I have a friend we call Eeyore It's very difficult to be around her any more because all she talks about is how miserable she is. Many of us over the last 20+ years have talked with her and given her suggestions and she chooses to do it her own way. Year after year she dwells deeper and deeper in misery. She is drowning herself in the past, complaining about everything in the present, and worrying about a future that isn't even here yet.

My brother-in-law died last summer of a brain tumor. When he was first diagnosed they said he would not come home from the hospital. He slipped into a coma for some time and even after he came out of that coma, the medical team had to induce comas periodically. Not only did he eventually come home from the hospital, his positive attitude helped him to survive for 18 months. The doctors were baffled. He never missed one family event including each of his grandkids baseball games, or dance recitals, birthdays, or holidays. He would stop into my department at the hospital to say hello each time he had to come for kemo therapy. When it was time for him to go, he would give me a big ol bear hug and say "Time to get my glow on." I admired his courage and will to survive very much. His positive attitude was an inspiration to all around him. He focused on each day he woke up and never worried about whether or not there would be a tomorrow.

Sometimes I think it's kinda like if you tell yourself you are stupid over and over again, eventually you will think yourself stupid. Same goes with I can't, I can't, I can't. Well.........then you won't. But if we say I can, I can, I can..........then perhaps we have a better chance and will.

Thinking on the brighter side of things never hurts. Even if we have to fake it til we make it...........we still will get to a place in the sun where there's hope for everyone. Happiness is something that lies within us. Attitude is everything. And if we take baby steps toward a more healthy and happy lifestyle WE CAN feel happier in what we have now and not drown ourselves in the past.

Grieving over a passed love is very important and has to happen. It is when we get stuck in mourning for chronic periods of time and even life times, that it crumbles and destroys us mentally, physically, and spiritually. It bankrupts our souls and causes us to lose sight of the many many blessings life still holds for us.

Each given day is a new gift. It is up to each any everyone to make the best of that day, as tomorrow it will be another memory.

[xrayspex]

I cry when other peoples pets die or even when they die on TV. I even have to be careful with show on educational TV such as "Animal Planet". Those animal cop shows and rescues...things like that can quickly send me spiralling doward in to the depths of despair. I am tired of seeking the reason why I am so sensisitive to the death of animals and so seemingly insensitive to the deaths of people. I could watch people on those horror shows get chopped up for hours and it doesn't bother me (sorry squeamish anti-horror people)...but if I even think that a scene is going to rear its ugly head and show the demise of an animal...I will change the channel. In light of all that has happened here, and I have expressed here through the year & one have I have been here, it is time for more answers, answers that I can not achieve here despite all the wonderful help & people that have been here for me. I have therefore elected to seek a "professional" to help me come to the answers to the many questions on my profuse grief with my babies that are still yet...unanswered. I will attempt to share what I have learned (if anything) with you all here, Maybe I'll finally find out why I am such a big baby when a small loving creature through no fault of its own dies and leaves me crushed beyond the description of all words.

[LS Support]

i sometimes cry for no reason, but i am unique that way...kind of like the gal in the movie Broadcast News....i always feel much better afterwards

[Jon730]

I am tired of seeking the reason why I am so sensisitive to the death of animals and so seemingly insensitive to the deaths of people. I could watch people on those horror shows get chopped up for hours and it doesn't bother me (sorry squeamish anti-horror people)...but if I even think that a scene is going to rear its ugly head and show the demise of an animal...I will change the channel.

I know my reasons for that, FWIW. People often put themselves in dangerous situations (Or situations people think are dangerous!) as a matter of Free Will.
I CHOSE to climb mountains, drive motorcycles for decades, and fly airplanes. I chose at one time to work in a dangerous occupation (Explosive ordnance).

Were I to get killed doing something I chose freely, a few people would be upset, but most of humanity would just give a shrug.

Our animal friends do not make those choices, but are put in many of those situations by humans who betray their stewardship. Often, it is done with indifference or negligence. Sometimes it is a dogfight or a bullfight, done with intent. Sometimes it is a sicko like the Bad Kid who deliberately broke my cat Minka's leg.
I hate myself for letting him live.

Our fuzzballs live in innocence of their mortality.
That is why we who do not , owe them some courtesy.

I cried over Miles more than I ever did over a human, including my relatives.

[goliath]

I cried over Miles more than I ever did over a human, including my relatives.

I too shed those tears Jon when Goliath passed form my loving arms into God's almighty hands. The deep grief and agonizing pain was like no other I have ever experienced through the loss of a loved one. Many much loved relatives have passed before me. Both of my parents died in their later 50's. Many others passed after they did. My Grandfather died 2 weeks after my Mom passed away.

I felt as though I had been hit by a mack truck when Goliath passed away. My love for him was greater than I can even express. His love carries me today and will forever.

I know what you mean about movies that show the death or dying or abuse of an animal. A few weeks ago, when my husband was in town, we rented 3 movies. All 3 of them had scenes in them depicting animal death or suffering. My husband and I both burst into tears and sent the movies back and got 3 other ones. One of the new movies we got was called "The Ultimate Gift." This movie was incredible! If you can get it please do. We found it very inspirational and well worth watching.

[nyzki]

When Osiris passed away, I felt so numbed. I could not stop crying. I still grieve over his loss. It is coming upon a year since he died. But, if it were not for my steven. I dont know how I would have ever made it through. He, cried just as much and mourned with me. Grief may lessen, but it never truely goes away. I even see behaviors that Osi had in Boo. So in reality he really hasnt gone away.

But, yes real men do grieve just as much as the womenfolk. And thank god that they can express those emotions.


Boo,nyzki,Poppy

[missingmygranny]

When our beloved Trooper died, he was home alone. We had known he wasn't feeling up to par that morning but as he ate everything under the sun, we didn't get overly concerned. I had come back from running errands and found Troopies lying on the floor of the office. I called my husband sobbing and he flew home from work in under an hour. It is the first time I had ever seen my husband cry and he just kept telling me "He was a real good dog, just a real good dog." We buried him in the woods behind our house and had a little service for him. To this day his picture sits in our family room near the sun spot that he loved to lay in. You don't just 'get over' the loss of a dog you loved and men certainly grieve.

[Knight of Albion]

Thank you for the link. A fine article and an excellent website.

There is nothing so pure as an animal's love. Faithful friend and companion, and for some people - who for whatever reason find themselves alone - they can be their whole world.
Only an 'animal person' knows the pain of losing a beloved pet.

Male or female, the expression of grief is different for everyone. There is no right way or wrong way and certainly no shame in crying.

[Aaron]

I consider myself a fairly "masculine" man, but I have not cried as much in my life as when we lost our cat Reggie in 2010 and now as we are dealing with a sick pet. I am not going to hold back what are natural feelings of grief and sadness in order to maintain my status as a man And some people cry and others do not, how we grieve is as unique as our DNA.