Feeling Alone, Guilty, And Incredibly Sad Options

[prettykitty]

Hi All:

I am a new member of this forum , and i joined because i had to put my beloved cat to sleep this past monday morning. She had diabetes for several years, and i know she did well to have lived so long with the disease. She had close calls before, infact one time about 3 years ago we thought we would have to put her to sleep but she made a miraculous recovery on the day we went to the vet to say goodbye. Several times her diabetes would gett out of control, or she were more or less insulin which meant many vets vists and blood tests. However this last time she could no longer fight..the vet said all her major organ system were shutting down. She had trouble eating or no interest in eating for about a week and a half prior to her death..i think we tried every cat food available. She had become extremely dehydrated about two weeks prior, and we took her into the vet and once they rehydrated her she seemed back to normal again for a few days. Then she began to sneeze and we took her into the vet again. He did an exam and said she didn't seem dehydrated, and she likely just had a cold, nothing serious (this was last thursday, the 15th). He did blood work and said everything came back just fine, and that she actually had normal glucose levels and didn't need insulin shots anymore. Naturally i was overjoyed at this.

However she wasn't getting any better and by the weekend, she not only couldn't eat, she couldn't even sip water without throwing up. She was throwing up blood and bile several times a day. On sunday we took her into the vet again (a different vet) and she said she would try rehydrating her but it seemed like it was either pancreat*its or a tumor. By late sunday she was showing some improvement, but by monday morning she still hadn't urinated (even when given drugs that should induce it) and was fading fast. The vet called and said we needed to come in immediately and that she needed to be put to sleep.

Although i have had many animals before, i have never been present during the euthanasia..but this was truely my cat, sheloved me and i loved her and i wanted to be there with her. I had a few minutes before to say goodbye but she already seemed like she was mostly gone. My cat always purred, even when she wasn't happy..but especially when i was petting her. She didn't purr once, or meow. So i just talked to her and tried to comfort her as best i could although i was in a state myself, crying uncontrollably. I was surprised by how fast the procedure was..once she was injected she was gone in about 20 seconds.

I am feeling a great sense of guilt over this...i wish i had taken her on more excursions outside, i wish i hadnt' gotten annoyed at times when she had bugged me while i was working. I feel so alone now at night and i am finding it hard to concentrate on work during the day..my thoughts always seem to turn to her and then i start crying .

I know i will eventualy get another cat, but i am not ready yet. I miss her too much, she was my friend for 11 years (since i was 14 years old). She was such a loving and special cat who really had a personality...i feel she was more of a person then a cat. I just can't imagine it being possible to have that bond with another animal, and in a way i feel like it would diminish our relationship if i did.

Sorry for writing a book here, i just needed to get this all out, and if you have made it this far, thank you for reading.

EDIT: I wanted to mention that my username is my cats favorite nickname She would get very jealous if i called anyone or anything else pretty.

[LuvLabs]

I would like to welcome you to this board, and offer my deepest sympathy in the loss of your precious fur baby. Your loss is very recent and we all understand the feelings that you are experiencing. For awhile you will experience a roller coaster of emotions. All of us grieve in a different way but we all know the sadness that is felt in the loss of a pet.

Please put aside your guilt as you have nothing to be guilty about. You gave your pretty kitty a wonderul home filled with love. You were there for her when she was well and when she became ill. You gained three more yrs. with her when she bounced back from the diabetes complication. You did everything in your power to keep her healthy. But unfortunately some things are out of our control. But you were with her in the end and that's very important. You comforted her as she made her journey to the Rainbow bridge.

As your body begins to recover from your loss you will be filled with so many happy memories. Although pretty kitty has left the earth she will always be with you. Hold your hand on your heart for she is there. I think of my dog as an angel watching over me. Funny as this may sound, I still talk to her as I admire her pictures that surround me.

We all cope with our loss in different ways. But many of us have been helped by opening up to other animal lovers on this board. I hope it helps you to know you are not alone.

I also understand how you feel about adopting another fur baby some day. Trust me you will know when the time is right. You heart is fragile right now. Some day you will want to give a home to another fur baby. She or he will never be a replacement for pretty kitty. For we can never replace the babies that we've lost. They are truly a gift to us to care for and love. And in return they teach us what unconditional love is all about.

[prettykitty]

Thank you so much for your kind words and welcome to this forum

I like your idea of thinking of your dog as an angel watching over you, that is very sweet. I would like to think that my nicki is happy and finally out of pain. I know many other people that would have put a pet down when they found out it has diabetes, as it requires a great commitment to your animal's health. I think she knows she was well taken care of and we did everything we could for her.

I think it will definately help me being on this board. While i have friends who understand what i am going through, and my boyfriend has been quite supportive, i feel like i am burdening them if i am constantly talking about how sad i am and how much i miss my cat. I am a member of a different type of forum for the same reasons and i have found the suport there incredible.

[LoveThem]

I think LuvLabs said everything very well. I had to put my Little Guy down on 9/10 after having him 16 1/2 years so a lot of what you said I really understand. The thought flashes through my mind that I am sorry I would chase him away from my computer desk. He like to lay on the floor where I could not see him and he was soooooooo close to my chair's wheels that when I realized he was there I would get upset thinking I almost ran over his tail with my chair...although I didn't..but it made me so nervous. Now that I don't have him..it upsets me I used to tell him not to lay there cause I was so afraid of hurting him accidentally. But..you know..doing things like that are really part of life so I don't hold the thought long and you shouldn't either. I admire you were able to be with yours at the end..I have never been able to do that..I would be there but not in the same room cause I just cry hysterically at the time because I had to make the decision and something inside me cries out to stop it but I know I shouldn't. I would be so upset that I wanted my babies final time to be calm and if they saw me and saw how upset I was..they might fight and suffer at the end. I just tried to hug them and in a way say goodbye at home before the "ride".
You said you can't imagine that relationship with another..well that is true..you will not have THAT one...it is special to your baby. Loving another will not diminish anything you have with your baby. You will love another in a different way, a way based on their bond with you..their personality. We have room for more than one. If we didn't so many babies would never find love and a home...cause as animal lovers were created so were others who do not care at all for these babies and what a world that would be if only THEY were left for these special friends to turn to. When I had 2 and 1 had to leave, it was a tremendous comfort to have 1 who needed attention and love just as I was looking for an outlet for my feelings. I just lost my last one on 9/10 and I do not like the aloneness. I will soon make a visit to a local SPCA and check out their kitty condos and see if something special happens. I won't stop crying but I think it would be nice to hug another baby soon.
Take care and grieve as you must but do not feel any guilt about anything. You really took care of your baby wonderfully and don't let any negative thoughts take that away from you!

[prettykitty]

Thank you so much for the reply **hugs**

I am sorry to hear of your loss I am glad to hear you are thinking of getting a new friend soon..and you are completely right, you never will regain the relationship you had, just make a new one. It is definately somewhat easier to deal with the loss of an animal when you have another there. We do have a dog as well who i love but for me it is not quite the same, although it is comforting to hug and hold her. When i lost my last cat (in July 2005) i had my nicki to keep me company and it really helped. i bond much closer to cats then dogs.

[LoveThem]

Glad to read your reply. Your last sentence did get to me "I bond much closer to cats than dogs." I have had both also. I really haven't been without an animal 99% of my lifetime. When I was on my own I had dogs and had a wonderful relationtrip with all of them. I had Shepherds so they were not really lapdogs, even if THEY thought so. I have pictures showing how spoiled they were.

We had put our last dog down and were waiting to move and get settled before getting another one. Well, since our backyard had no dog in it, a feral cat decided it was a safe place to have her kittens. That was in 1991 and I kept 2 boys and a girl. The boys were twins and my avatar picture is of Little Guy who I just lost on 9/10/07. He was 16 1/2 years old. THey were lapcats and you can go to the Tributes Section and see 2 topics...1 of Little Guy and 1 of him and his Sister. Those pictures should make you smile. I made the 2 boys lapcats. the girl had a mind of her own (as the Tribute shows).

Anyway, what I am getting to is after years of my dogs...each of which I loved dearly, and then having 3 cats for over 10 years, I found with me it is not that I bonded closer with my cats....it is that I bonded differently than with my dogs. They just are not the same creatures in my mind. I think cause I could carry the cats around and they were able to jump into places the dogs never could...I find I miss that bond with them tremendously. It's like children...you are not supposed to have favorites but then all personalities are different and so the bonds are different. So although I could say also I bonded closer with the cats even though I only had dogs before them...I think I bonded differently and that bonding was not closer than my others cause they were joys but it does seem that way cause my recent loss has hit me harder than I ever remember. Take Care.

[Ken Albin]

I am truly sorry for your loss but why should you feel guilty? You took on her pain yourself by euthanizing her when she was in so much distress. The other "should have done thats" are thoughts that go through all of our minds. The truth is that we all try to give our best to our furkids. None of us are perfect but our furkids have a great life. It isn't fair that they have to leave us so soon but we don't have a lot to say about that. All we can do is love them while they are here and it sounds like you were a great mom to her. That's what really matters. Your being here on this forum is an indication of the wonderful life she had with you.

Take care,
Ken Albin

[prettykitty]

LoveThem: That is an interesting thought you have about us bonding differently to dogs and cats. I think you are right about that. I took a look at your pictures and they did indeed make me smile! So sweet, hehe cats do get into the silliest places don't they? The dog i have is actually a very small dog named zoey ( a bichon/poodle cross, little white thing ) so she does sit on my lap and to be honest, i'm pretty sure zoey thinks she is a cat since nicki was in the house before her, and when she was a puppy she learned how to behave from the cats!

Ken: Thank you for your reply. You are right, i know my sweetie had a tough beginning to her life- when i got her she was about 2 and had already had at least one litter of kittens by then (who i believe froze in the cold). We actually found out 3 years ago, when we had the scare and thought we would have to put her down that she had a bullet in her all these years...someone shot at my poor kitty when she was just a young thing. Of course we had it removed at that point.

I wanted to share with everyone what i did when i got home today. Yesterday i tried looking through pictures of my cat and i couldn't handle it...i just started bawling. Today i thought i would try again, and i actually decided to frame a picture of her and put it beside me here on my computer desk. We spent so much time here together that it is almost like she is still with me in a way, watching me type and waiting for me to go to bed. Now i'm crying again but i'm feeling better about things, i think i am coming to terms a bit with her death.

[prettykitty]

I added a picture of my kitty as my avatar..she is in a kind of funny pose (i caught her in the middle of washing hehe) but i think she looks quite content and happy here, and that was one of her favorite chairs to sit in.

The avatar looks a bit fuzzy, is there anything i can do to fix it? I just cropped the picture on my computer and then uploaded it...will it show better if i change the size on my computer first?

[forduffy]

I am so sorry for your loss. Your kitty is beautiful. I don't know much about fixing the fuzziness. The pictures I took were not even digital so I'm kind of clueless. But rest assured, I can see how pretty she was. I experienced euthenasia for the first time in September when I had to put my dog, Duffy to sleep. Like you, Duffy had been with me since I was 16 which was a little more than half of my life. I know how hard it is to loss a member of your family. Welcome to the forum and I look forward to you sharing Nicki's life with us.

[LoveThem]

I think your avatar picture looks just fine. She just looks so darned cute! and she does look like she was "caught" doing something.

Let me just add: I'm glad you took a stroll and saw my pictures AND I am very glad you have put a picture by your computer, letting her keep you company like she used to by being near. I do have mine as my desktop wallpaper and I find comfort in looking at him cause in his pictures he is healthy and not suffering, just being a cat. I would rather look at good memories than keep being upset over the sad ones. The pictures helped me. It sounds like they help you too!

I just realized in another post you talked about putting everything away but that seeing emptiness was almost as much a reminder as when things were there. I can say that where my Little Guy sat and looked out the back window (you saw in my Tribute), I have a basket of flowers in the middle of that chest and where he used to lay next to that white chest..on a small cardboard box next to it. I have a ceramic swan full of white and pink carnations. None of the flowers are real so they will last and it kind of looks like a memorial of flowers instead of 2 empty places where he used to lay. Maybe you can think of a way to make what you look at not as empty-looking. Hope this gets your imagination going and thinking of something that can make you smile when you look at it, whatever it is.

[prettykitty]

forduffy: thank you i think she knew she was beautiful hehe but i loved her for it. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your Duffy They really are like members of the family and are greatly missed when they leave us.

Lovethem: I totally agree about the pics helping us to focus on good memories. Actually i found i felt much better after looking through the pics you posted...reliving happy memories and seeing pets that are loved helps alot. I REALLY like your idea about putting something in some of the empty places that remind me of Nicki! I definately want to put something up in my little window in the kitchen. Everytime i look up there i half expect to see her looking at me. I never did take a picture of her sitting up there (which i regret). I'll have to think of something suitable i can put up there.

jackjack: i am so sorry to hear of the loss of your baby that is so hard to think that the vet wasn't doing their job and sacrified precious time you could have had with your friend. I have been taking your advice and "talking" to nicki through her pictures. It is helping.

i was looking at older pictures of my kitty and realizing that she wasn't doing well for quite some time (probalby half a year). I think i was in denial. Her weight was going up and down far too often, and she was urinating excessive amounts (i'd have to change the litter box every two days and it would be almost completely saturated). Now that i think about it i wonder if she had kidney problems then and whether eventually her body couldn't deal with it and the kidneys stopped functioning.

Whether it was that or cancer, i know i did the right thing. My cat that i had to put to sleep in july/05 had mouth cancer. We had the tumor removed about feb of that year and were told he would live another 6-8 weeks. He made it 5 months which is quite commendable until he was in terrible pain and we knew it was time for him to go.

[toonie]

Hi Pretty Kitty, my sympathies for your loss, let me tell you you did everything that you should and guilt should not hold you back for one second in continuing this love for Pretty Kitty, do remember the love goes on and you can keep feeling it if you are quiet enough to...My soulmate cat had diabetes, if it were today, I would have kept him rather than putting him to sleep although I still have a strong intuition that he had a very tough road ahead of him. I also had so much guilt because for a few years I didn't know he had diabetes, the guilt isn't as much because of this because a vet. didn't catch it either when he showed his own first symptoms:nervous twithes every now and then. I suppose his diabetes started out really mild, not much drinking water etc... and when he lost a bit of weight(he went over the years from 20 lbs to 17) and had a bit of problems getting up on chairs we figured it was because he was almost 13 years old, we knew nada about diabetes. The guilt trip, summers are a real rush with our work, I remember opening a little can of wet food, chicken and salmon and he looks up at me, for something else...I give in, open another little can of chunks of tuna in gravy and he still looks at me, meowing for something else. I tower over him and feel like the master in Charles Dicken's Oliver: 'More, you want more, how spoiled you are you little brat-cat, just take what there is there you insolent feline!" but what he was saying at 6 months before his death was : Mom this stuff goes nowhere on me, I feel hungry all the time!!!!
And when I was going over some important papers and he jumped awkwardly on my desk (guess sometimes he still could jump) where I had a cup of coffee and it spilled all over and the first thing I did was to yell and slap him ....and worse yet the coffee went everywhere except on the legal papers.....what guilt...what awful guilt. All this I did even though I knew all the years I was with him that the day he would go would be worse than grieving for any human. I knew that in advance and still I couldn't be at the proper level. What a life lesson for me, today it's been almost 13 months since I put him to sleep and I still miss him like I will miss him all my life. I am lucky that I have gotten over it despite the enormous guilt and I have the feeling that he understands because often he was so much like me that I wonder if he wouldn't have made my own mistakes if roles were reversed. I dare hope that when my life is over, if I can have corrected as many things as possible in my being that I will be able to join him and we will continue this love, that is in a way, what I live for. You did extremely well and I see that you are much younger than I was. Be proud! Hugs and know that your pretty kitty is in your heart and in your soul, there for you, any time all the time.

[annie's mommy]

i am so sorry. I am new here also, today is my first day online posting. We lost our precious Annie this past Wednesday. She was also diabetic. She suddenly appeared sick on Friday after Thanksgiving. Since then we spent every hour, every day, every dollar trying to save her. She was suffering thru surgery when our vet said she was filled with cancer and he could not begin to get it all. My dear husband was by her side. We are grief stricken. I feel intense pain! I wonder how I am to survive myself. I want her back desperately! I compassionately feel for all of the posters and for all of the precious lives lost. I don't know how to go on. I could barely crawl out of bed to come in here to seek out support online.
annie's mommy

[prettykitty]

toonie: i am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved pet I have similar things that happened with my kitty that make me feel guilty, but i think she would understand. It is like arguing with a family member, you still love eachother but you are close enough that you can get mad and then forgive. At times my cat would ignore me, or get mad that i was away on the weekend. We both did our share of wrong things I will never stop loving my nicki, she was very special to me and i will always keep her picture out in plain view. we will bury her ashes at the graveyard on my grandparents plot (where a few of our other pets now reside)...i don't like the idea of burying at my backyard as i will not live there forever.

annie's mommy: i am so sorry to hear of the loss of your annie it is very, very hard for the first few days. I find i am able to control my emotions a bit better now. When my mind wanders though i'll find myself thinking "hm that is odd that nicki is not sleeping on my bed at this time of day"..then of course i immediately realize why. I am trying to take joy in the simple things in life as she did...the fresh air outside, birds singing etc.

I wanted to say to both of you that i am happy to have met others on here that had cats who were diabetic! I guess it is more common then i realized. It is definately a hard disease for animals to live with toonie...as i had said she had many close calls and bad days. The warning sign that she showed was intensive thirst (same sign that humans show) and she would urinate on our beds...which was very odd. Of course for awhile we got very mad at her for this until we had her diagnosed. She stopped doing this once she was getting insulin injections. Diabetes is very hard to control in cats and we were told that at the outset but decided to give it a try and i am very glad we did.

[prettykitty]

Well tommorow i am going to an open house at the SPCA here. I am not sure i am ready to adpot another cat but it will be nice to visit with them...and who knows, i might feel a connection with one of them.

I know i shouldn't feel this way but it still seems like a bit of a betrayal to nicki to even be considering getting another cat. I will see how it goes tommoow. I will certainly never forget her and will keep her memory alive. I think joining this forum was a good step towards that.

[Simba's Daddy]

I know i shouldn't feel this way but it still seems like a bit of a betrayal to nicki to even be considering getting another cat. I will see how it goes tommoow. I will certainly never forget her and will keep her memory alive. I think joining this forum was a good step towards that.

I think that is a natural feeling. I adopted "Simba II" just 2 days after I lost "Simba I"

That was about a year and a half ago. I still think about Simba I everyday and miss him. But I know he is proud of me for giving another cat such a great home. I even think he had something to do with me finding #2 (stories in my signature).

Simba #2 and I have bonded so well and I love him while still keeping the memory of Simba I alive.

[toonie]

I agree that a new cat or pet will not betray the one we have lost. Rather, it is a tribute to them that we need a physicalreminder of their presence even though it will never fill the void. I think at times it is essential to have a pet around to soothe the pain sort of bridge over the void that their absence has dug, just to go on. I would adopt a new cat, I even have a perfect candidate if it wasn't that all the rest of my family now prefers a no pet house. At present I am housing a barn cat that couldn't adjust with the others, it's been agreed that its just for this cold winter and then I must find other arrangements for him so I avoid getting him/me attached and only pet him enough so that he knows he can feel safe in the house, still it feels right and I know Yukon understands all of this and gives his blessing.

[kittymomma]

We too lost our 11 yr old Orion to Cancer and Diabetes. The last days of his life were so much like your precious baby's. His kidneys were gone and he did not eat and it was time. We knew it and most of all, he knew it. He lay down so quietly. We had it done here at home and it was very peaceful and I know that I would NEVER be ready to let him go in my heart. In reality, I had to, he was so ill and needed to go to St Francis and cross the rainbow Bridge. I know what you say when you describe all the visits to the vets for re-t*itrating their insiulin doses, or for Hypoglycemia or Ketosis. We ran the gamut with Orion for 8 yr with diabetes as well and then he developed cancer on top of that last March. We just lost him Oct 20th and we are still heartbroken. I cry everday. I cry myself to sleep every night and wake up and think of him and cry. I know someday the tears will slow, they will never go away completely for me. I will be able to smile more often when I think of him. I had a rough two weeks right after and them I seemed to do better and then about a week ago, it all started again, the pain and grief and longing. I think as time passes I realize the finality of it. He would sometimes go to the vet for a week or two for treatment of Ketosis and he would come back. I guess my mind had it in it to think this was just another of those times...but it is not. He has not come home from the doctor and I know that I will go through the grief as long as I need to. There is no set time or way of grieving. Everyone experiences it in their own way and heals from it their own way. I wish you peace within your heart. It is the most painful thing to lose a soulmate like these furchildren are. We have 3 other cats that are so different than Orion was. They are aloof and solitary, he was always with us and loving, maybe because we develop such a bond with these little ones by having to give them meds twice a day and fed them at as close to 12 hours as possible. Maybe there is a deeper connection with these cats because they NEED us more to take care of them. Whatever the reason, we adore them and they us, and our hearts break when we lose them. I cannot tell you to try to be happy or even that it will come someday, you need to feel your grief and go through it, not around it. I will pray for you and I send you warm hugs. Know that you are in a place here where everyone knows what you are feeling and let us all help each other through the most awful time.
Warm Hugs,

Susan

[LoveThem]

PrettyKitty: I had decided last Friday to go to my local SPCA..just like you are mentioning. While it rained all day for the first time in months and since rain is rare and only lasts a short time, I decided another day will do. Yesterday was Saturday and I thought about it then decided maybe with Christmas coming up and I always read how parents lots of times think a new kitty is a perfect present and thinking these animals are probably nervous as even though treated well now..they are homeless. I thought Saturday might be too busy with parents and young children and when I go there...I want it to be quiet so the cats aren't
nervous. Well, today is Sunday and it is closed on Sunday so I plan next week and maybe I will see if visiting once a week will give the shy cats courage to approach. I also want to see if going there helps me cope better with my loss by being able to pet and maybe hug another. Our shelter wants volunteers just to pet and visit and animals and help them feel more social. Maybe a connection develops
doing that....I don't know..I haven't done this before.

There is absolutely no betrayal in getting another. If our special one cannot be with us..they would want us find some happiness in whatever way we need. That's what unconditional love is..........unconditional. There are no rules. I have thought at times ours get taken away to make room for another who has no one. So many are desperate for love and there aren't enough animal lovers to take care of them all. If ours were still here...we wouldn't think of getting another. Besides if you do adopt another..you can always hug them and tell them all about Nicki and if we believe animals can smile...Nicki would definitely be looking down at you and smiling at that. Enjoy and indulge hugging and petting!