Asia's Rocky Road Is Over, 10/2/07 Options

[asia0508]

Hi. I just wanted to continue from my previous posts in the other forum from a few months ago, I'm sorry i'm can't still write there. Last Tuesday (10/2/07) we finally made the decision (or Asia made it for us) to put Asia to sleep. It was a decision we were battling with for months, trying to gauge her progress with the Lomustine, blood work every week...

She stopped eating, and started losing weight rapidly. I would put other things in her food to tempt her, as she had always been my greedy girl. We went to Florida to visit my father in law who is starting radiation for cancer of the vocal chords. When we came home, I asked our tennent how many good days she had, and there was just one. See, our vet just lost his cat and while trying to council and console me about the indesicion about Asia i was having, he told me that his mom had told him something very comforting. First, that any decision made out of LOVE isn't wrong. Second, that we are so upset when our animals pass because when they die WE take their pain from them onto ourselves and that's why it hurts.

The night after we came home, I woke up throughout the night to hear Asia crying out in pain. I would jump up, pet her and talk to her, and eventually i just lay where I could reach her. She got up and went to the bathroom, where she normally sleeps and stopped crying. The next morning she wouldn't get up for my husband when he left for work. She wouldn't get up a little later with me either. I saw the end looming towards me but had no idea I would get a call at 4 pm from Jay telling me that she was still in the bathroom, but had messed herself and vomited but couldn't get up to get out of it. I rushed home, Curt was already there, sitting on the tub crying. Asia looked at me, then put her head back down. I could hear her wheezing...

I called the vet and they said to come over any time. I knew she wasn't coming home. Lord, if I were in her shoes I would want to be released from my suffering...I could only imagine her life if we tried to "save" her at this point and I saw only more pain and misery.

We stayed with her the whole time, it was the most horrible thing I've ever experienced. I've never cried like that, and now I can't stop. I just start randomly for no reason, at work, watching TV...

I miss her so much and don't know what to do! Why is the world moving on? Why doens't everyone stop what they are doing to mourn her? I don't get it. I dont' know what to do...

Diana

[boogi3]

Hi,

I know exactly what you are going through and am still there myself with my precious cat, Babe, whom I had to help along on 9/29/07. The world went and is going on, and I'm stopped with the pain of losing her. I miss her so much. All I can say is you are in my thoughts. It's just horrible.

Sheri

[k9pal]

Diane, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how traumatic it is to be there too say good bye too the one thing closest to your heart. I suffered through the same experience and I would replay and replay the last final moments of time left with my Max over and over in my mind. I try not to think about it because it still hurts so.. much. The one thing that helps me to deal with the pain and guilt is exactly what your vet told you. I took away Maxes pain and suffering just as you did for Asia. If I had to do it again I would because I wouldn't wish that much pain on my worst enemy let alone my beloved Max. So like your vet said though you may be suffering now Asia is not. You did the right thing by setting her free from all of the pain. Once again I am so.. truly sorry. Take care and keep posting k9pal

[asia0508]

Thank you for your kind words, but for some reason I can't get rid of this numbness I have towards my friends and family. I just want to stay home with my Moose and husband and my cat and forget everyone else. I can think about Asia without breaking down, but to see someone else talk about her will put me into hysterics. I've been avoiding everyone and when I do talk to someone if the conversation turns to Asia I get stoney and even rude! I know I'm doing it and can't stop myself.

We just got her ashes back today, just as I thought I was going to be able to get through this...now I don't know. I want to keep them, then when my husband and I settle down into our "forever" house, bury them in the backyard that we will have forever. But, just looking at the box will send me right into a tail spin. I feel close to her, yet insanely...insane at the same time. Is this normal?? Do I need to seek professional help? I've been throwing myself full tilt into my work and that helps to distract me, but never keep me away once I get home. As soon as I walk in the door I notice the emptiness, despite my other babies. When I think of her it's like she died years ago, not weeks. I'm really out of touch...I feel like I'm looking for ghosts.

Please tell me if I am not feeling "normal" things!! I am very pragmatic and can look at this objectively, yet I'm not able to do anything about it! I know that I may not be able to deal with this on my own, but I don't want to go making a ruckuss if I'm no different than any other person in my shoes. I appreciate any advice that can be sent my way!

Diana (aka: Going Insane)

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Rest assured, Diana, this 'insanity' is all a part of the normal grieving experience. So much of what we hate about grieving is that (perfectly normal and well-doc*umented) loss of control over our feelings and reactions. Time and again, the grief experts will tell you that the single most helpful thing you can do for yourself is simply (ha!) to accept all the various and often divergent and ambiguous feelings, and the reactions they can cause, and let yourself be however you're going to be. (it IS normal, too, to want to isolate yourself, go numb, be rude or angry, or countless other things)

The trickier part is usually having to deal, at the same time, with the lack of acceptance from those around you who don't understand what grief is all about. And this is where you need to learn SELF-compassion. Without it, we can so easily beat ourselves up for just feeling whatever we're feeling, especially since we don't even WANT to have to deal with such difficult-to-live-with feelings.

It might help you immensely to pick up some books on grief and familiarize yourself more intimately with what it entails - in a nutshell, LOTS! That way, you not only have a 'guide' that you can refer back to as often as needed as your feelings shift, go up and down and sideways, etc., but you'll also have something concrete to point to should anyone start criticizing HOW you're grieving, or how long it might take. I know how common it is for people to not accept ANYTHING unless some expert verifies to them that it's valid. And even then, some people stubbornly refuse to accept that that's the way it just IS, like it or not. That's another great reason to start practicing self-acceptance of the process for yourself.

For professional help, that's completely up to you if you feel the need to talk to someone who might help. (although you'd still have the task of finding someone who's a good fit for you) There's definitely not only no shame in this and in fact it's really a sign of wisdom and strength to seek such support when needed, as mental health is EQUALLY important (and sometimes even MORE so!) than any other form of dis-ease. If you had diabetes, for example, would it be wise to NOT seek some form of treatment or management for it?

In the meantime, hey....it's been over a year for me now and this house STILL never really feels like a HOME anymore, it feels so devoid of my girl's presence.....each and EVERY time I walk in that door, even if I've only been gone 15 minutes! It just feels totally WRONG that she's not still here, as always. And I fully expect it will always feel this way. When nothing else is what we've come to expect as being normal, it's not hard to understand that WE'RE not feeling normal, either. And most sadly, we are faced with creating a "new normal", whatever the heck that's going to end up being.

So no, you're definitely not ABnormal.

[kimm]

D,

I can't tell you how much I did not want to meet up with you in this forum. I am so sorry for your loss of Asia. I know how painful the chemo was, for all of you. In one post you described it as a roller-coaster ride, that is so true. We've both been there.

Nothing seems real to us so soon after such a loss. Asia was a beloved family member, and you are still reeling from losing her. Your feeling of loss is understandable, and by no means do I think you are losing it. Please know, we are always here to talk and try to ease your pain. Peaches' vet was a good man & gave me a bunch of trusted websites and toll-free numbers to call if I needed to. Let me know if you want the links or the 800 numbers. You can PM me if you want to.

Please talk to us & let us know how you're doing. I am so sorry to hear about Asia.

Love,

Kim

[LuvLabs]

Diane,

I have read your post's on Asia's illness and recent passing. I could understand what you were going through as my furbaby had lymphoma. I'll write about Lizzy in a separate post.

The grieving process is painful and it will take time to feel better. Try and recall the happy memories with Asia. When you begin to feel stronger you will look at her picture and smile. She was truly a very special fur baby to you and she will always have a place in your heart.

Nancy