To My Touch, July 22, 1993 - July 13, 2007 Options

[crystal0]

Dear Touch,

Today is 7 months without you. You visited me in my dreams the other night, and even while I was dreaming, I was feeling so happy to see you, yet completely broken knowing that you were not really supposed to be there.

I try to remember each and every memory with you, I want to hold on to them and feel them as if they happened yesterday.

I remember when I took you to the dog park (even though you did not care for the other dogs, and preferred sniffing the corners and fences), and after a while, you let me know that you wanted to leave by coming over to me and following me around. This act seems like it would be routine, but since you were such a little independent guy, I cherished and truely appreciated the times when you did come over and showed me you loved me.

I remember when I would bring you downstairs, but you never liked it down there...always wanting to go up to the kitchen to your bed. You would scratch at my door to get out, and when I let you out, you would head towards the stairs, but see that I did not follow. Then, you came back to my room, scratching my door to get back in to find me! I really miss the little things you did everyday. You were so cute. I love you.

I am missing you everyday. I keep having thoughts of getting another dog, and although most of me thinks you are happy with that decision, there is still that little bit of me that does not want you look down from heaven and be jealous or disappointed that I have a new, but different, friend.

I love you Touch!

Crystal

[LoveThem]

[QUOTE]I am missing you everyday. I keep having thoughts of getting another dog, and although most of me thinks you are happy with that decision, there is still that little bit of me that does not want you look down from heaven and be jealous or disappointed that I have a new, but different, friend.[QUOTE]

Touch would not be jealous or disappointed. That's why it is called "unconditional love" that we get from these babies. Their happiness is when we are happy. They know we love them forever and that no one will take their special place in our heart so they would feel very secure seeing THEIR special person smile again. What we decide we need to do would be okay with them because they love us so much. Who knows..sometimes maybe we can feel as though they came back to us through another.

I have had both dogs and cats and I don't remember ever having one who was not very sad if they thought I was unhappy in any way. That's part of their specialness and the love they give that is totally unconditional without jealousy or judgment of any kind.

If you feel the need to open your heart and share your life with another...if you find one you want and it feels right....then it will be right.

[crystal0]

My dear Touch,

It is now over 8 months without you. I still miss you and love you just as much as I always have.

Touch, I got a new friend on Friday. His name is Midas. I have so much love to give, and I thought I gave myself enough time to "heal". Although I thought I was prepared, right after I purchased him and was holding him, I started crying. I don't know, Touch. I miss you so much, but am happy to have a companion to love and care for at the same time. I just have a lot of emotions right now. I am crying, it's very confusing.

Thank you for teaching me to love. I am going to tell Midas all about you, show him pictures and tell bedtime stories of your life. I hope you are doing well in Heaven. Please visit me in my dreams.

I love you so much,
Crystal

[LoveThem]

Everything may seem confusing but what you are feeling sounds very normal.

We will never stop crying at times. We will never stop missing our special babies
EVER.

Touch is looking down from heaven and I"ll bet seeing you and Midas....his tail is twitching and he would love to come down and play with both of you. That's what unconditional love is all about.

Congratulations on getting Midas and yes, I know he will love you talking to him, telling him stories of Touch and letting him know that he also is special in his own way

Now you have 2 angels...1 in heaven to watch over you and 1 here to be part of your everyday life..someone to hug and share your feelings with.

Take Care and enjoy your new baby...it helps to feel that unconditional love again.

Hugs to you all.

[goliath]

[QUOTE=crystal0,Mar 23 2008, 02:07 PM]
Thank you for teaching me to love. I am going to tell Midas all about you, show him pictures and tell bedtime stories of your life. I hope you are doing well in Heaven. Please visit me in my dreams.

I share in your expression of thanks to your precious Touch as I too give many thanks to my Goliath for his teachings of complete love. Your many beautiful memories you and Touch made together will last forever and a day.

The love you have in your heart for Touch will continue as you share your stories with Midas. There is no doubt in my mind that Midas will have a happy life with you as the two of you make your memories together. It is the quality of what we make of today that become our memories tomorrow.

May you be blessed for many years to come with your new furry love as you relish in your fond and loving memories of Touch.

[crystal0]

Hi Touch,

I miss you! Yesterday was 9 months since you have been gone. I want to remember how your fur felt, how your tail wagged, how you sat up. Everything seems so distant, so long ago. I wish every experience with you was vivid and fresh in my memory as if it were yesterday.

I wish you could meet Midas. I bet you would have liked him when you were younger (even though you never cared much for other dogs). It is rather strange at times, some of the little motions he makes are ones you used to make, and of course I just think of you. Touch, I don't want you to think that I no longer care or think about you any longer. I love you so much, and nothing will ever change that.

Now that it is Spring, the sun is out a bit more. And I think of you so much more. Every sunny day is a day that I yearn to walk you to the park. I feel the warmth of the sunlight on my face and think of how much love we had, and that somehow, you are one of the reasons why the day is so beautiful. I miss you.

I love you Touch! Please visit me.

Love Always,
Crystal

[crystal0]

goliath - Thank you for your kind words and blessing. Yes, the beautiful, cherished memories of Touch will be with me forever, and will bring a smile to my face when I am down. Our pets are amazing. All that love from such a small (in Touch's case) little guy! They truly are missed.

LoveThem - Thank you for your reassuring words about what Touch is feeling about Midas. Half of me thinks that he is happy for me and Midas, and, still, the other half questions if he feels forgotten. I wish that concern would disappear. But yes, you're right, unconditional love is what we have and will always have. And I need to remember that everytime I wonder if Touch is upset.

[forduffy]

My thoughts are with you today. Your words remind me of my wishes for sharper memories. Somehow, time perception gets distorted and several months can feel like a lifetime ago. How strange is that?! Sometimes, I try to close my eyes to feel Duffy's fur and to try to hear his tail wag. Sometimes, it happens.
Wishing you many hugs,
Stephanie

[crystal0]

Touch,

I've been thinking a lot about you lately. Today is 10 months without you. I miss you so much.

I had a hard time today, and especially earlier this week. I'm finding absolutely no one that I can talk to.

I was never very religious, but after losing you, found myself praying more and trying to talk to you more. It's the only time I've really felt a connection when I pray. If I were raised more religious, then I would have such strong faith in God, but that was not the case, and I am finding my faith through losing you. I don't know if that makes sense. But, today I asked a close friend if she had ever prayed to God about Touch, or talked to Touch, since she is religious, and got a reponse of "Touch isn't a big deal to me, he didn't even like me. Praying to God is a part of a religion, not..." and did not finish the sentence. Why am I giving off the impression that praying and talking to you is fun and games?

Then, when I started becoming emotional I received a "I think when you get older you will look back and think 'why did I cry so much because of Touch?' Why do you waste your tears on him when you know he is ok?". I don't know if it's alright for me to be upset with that comment. I am though. I cry for you because I love you and miss you so much. I can't help it. This isn't something that I am going to look back on and think the situation was any less important, and that I could have handled it differently. I know you are in Heaven, and you are healthy and happy, but it does not make it any less painful for me to be without you.

I've been compared to a "crazy" person, someone who is overly emotional and sensitive. And then I begin to question myself. After ten months, and still having some awfully bad days, maybe I'm not normal.

I am so frustrated. I thought that my complicated feelings were over with, but right when I try talking to someone about it, I am always disappointed and feel like I am even more alone, that I shouldn't have even tried to open up.

I wish you were here. I love you so much.

Crystal

[LoveThem]

Crystal: You cannot talk to people who do not understand what it is like to care for one of these special babies as we do. What they say will hurt because they don't understand. That is what this forum is for...to be among others who understand the pain and have been there.

what you are feeling is NORMAL for someone who truly loves these babies. Coming here like you just did is the best thing for you right now. You will find understanding here. We have all experienced the pain and grief you are going through. Here..you are never alone.

You are not a "crazy" person. Your tears are NOT wasted. There is so much love being expressed through them..it is a natural expression of grief. If one of those friends lost a human they loved, would they think their tears were a "waste when they know he is ok"?

I want to share with you some sayings I have read from others who were grieving...sayings that I found comforting and hopefully you will get a comfort from reading them also.

One mom said: The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him.

Another said: One can ask with the depth of pain we go through WHY do we allow ourselves to become so attached to pets? All one has to do is think of the tremendous amount of unconditional love we get from them and then we can ask WHY wouldn't we?

People who give you the responses you got obviously have never received that special unconditional love we can ONLY get from these babies...Humans are not capable of giving that kind of love. It is that which we receive from them that when we lose that...our grief becomes overwhelming. Each one we know is unique and special and their love is special. That's why we will always grieve in our hearts and yet at the same time we can remember the love through the happy memories we share with our special ones...and think of them when they were healthy and happy and with us.

We each share with our baby a very special relationship that is between them and us only but here what we can share is we understand the joy we each had by having these wonderful ones in our lives and we can understand the pain of losing them because that pain is universal to all of us..it is just as intense and devastating to one and all. We each try to find our way back from that dark place of grief and we try to share with each other what has helped us get through the grief and more into acceptance of what we cannot change and stop the sadness from overwhelming us. It is never fully gone because it is a part of everything we feel but we can start to take control back over our lives and try to begin a healing process.

We are allowed to fall back into grief from time to time and vent and cry. At times doing that can make us feel better because we are not holding it in.

You are not giving out the impression of "fun and games"...not to people who truly understand how you are feeling. People who don't understand don't know how to respond so they may just make things seem trivial....that doesn't work when you are in pain.

Come here and talk. There are many here listening. You are not alone. Remember that..it is important to remember that. You will find true understanding here because what is said here comes from the heart.

Take Care and don't forget we are here.

[goliath]

That is such a wonderful letter to Touch. Your friend wasn't very comforting to you when you needed her most. There is a huge difference between religion and spiritualality. Someone can know textbook religion easily. But without spiritualality it means nothing but book knowledge. Sharing compassion, faith, and hope with others as well as understanding and love is what a true messenger of God sends.

Don't give up on what you are seeking because of this so called friend. If you continue to seek..........you will find the answers and comfort you need. Not only is it okay for you to feel the way you do, there would be something terribly wrong with you if you didn't. Don't ever let anybody infer that you are "crazy." Her comments were made of pure ignorance.

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." I don't remember who it was that made this profound statement, but I never forgot what they said.

You are not alone Crystal. Keep trying to open up and let those feelings out. Pick your confidants wisely because many will not understand because they can't. Either somebody has it or they don't.

May you be blessed with comfort and understanding and keep the love you have for Touch in your heart. The special love you and Touch have will last til the end of time.

Hugs to you Crystal with much love,
Beth

[forduffy]

Crystal,
Wow- your friend was a bit abrupt with you, if you don't mind me saying so. I will probably be reiterating what Beth and Judy have just said but it is because I agree with both of them, wholeheartedly. I guess what I have found through my grief is that, as Beth said it, people either get it or they don't. Those of us that can see the importance of furbabies in our lives are few and far between. It seems that the vast majority of people don't or can't understand, or refuse to. Whatever the case, I think that we have a great gift because we can enjoy these beautiful beings who enhance our lives and we are better for it. I think Judy's advice to come here and talk to us is some great advice. We do understand here and we are all feeling what you are and many of us are experiencing the same sentiment from certain people in our lives who just do not understand. In my opinion, I just feel badly for them-they just will never experience the joy and unconditional love from our babies like we can.
I wish you many hugs on this day-I know how hard it is.