Really Missing Jordan, I'm having a hard time today Options

[anln]

It was a month on Monday that we said goodbye to our black lab Jordan. I have to say that I had been doing much better recently but today I'm really struggling to keep back the tears and not just lay down in bed for the day. Last night my husband found Jordan's extra leash under the seat in his jeep which upset us both and then while doing some yard work we found a tennis ball and one of his "babies" or stuffed animals in the woods. Part of me really expects him to come bouncing out of the woods. Today I took my digital camera disk in to download some pictures and there were three of Jordan that I had forgotten were there. I took them the week before he died. Although we have hundreds of photos of him, knowing these were the last that I had taken hit me. I just zoomed in to his face and studied all of the little curves and longed to kiss and pet him. I especially looked at his ears...they were the softest things I have ever touched. (Even when he was sick and the rest of his fur had turned coarse and lost its shine his ears still glistened.) We use to say they were velveteen ears. My friend said they were a cross between velvet and silk. I miss him so much. Grief is a strange thing...Its like it takes on a life of its own and shows up when you least expect it. It reminds you that it is always nearby. I was doing so much better the past week and wham! Thanks for listening.
Jordan's mom

[Muffins]

Hi!

I'm sorry that you're having a bad day today....unfortunately, that's how the healing process is -

Most of us, after some time has passed, feel like we're doing pretty okay (I guess I should speak for
myself), but, out of nowhere, comes sadness & tears.
That's how it was after Ernie was put to sleep.

I had several good days, and I had even posted about it.... Everyone here on the site, "warned me", just
be careful..... Because, one day the sadness & tears will just "come out of nowhere", and surprise the hell
out me.

That happened (& still, happens - especially when I read everyone's posts here) to me for quite sometime.
It's "good", I think, for me to let my tears go, when I'm reading about someone else's story....
I still need healing....... And, I am always affected by all the stories on the site.

I wish that we had taken tons of pictures of our girl.... I probably only have about a dozen; so, a lot of my memories
of Ernestine, are in my heart & soul!!

Perhaps the leash you found, as well as the tennis balls and one of his lil' stuffed toys....those were little presents for you to find??

True, "Grief is a strange thing....Its like it takes on a life of its own and shows up when you least expect it". (your quote).
How true that is!!!!

I still have Ernie's two favorite beanie babies, in a drawer, safely put away... Her little Lemur and Lion.
I'm not "ready" to let Ms. Lucy and Mr. Yoster play with them yet.........
They were Ernestine's, and they're mine.... I look at them & hold them, and it takes me back...

I even slept with them for a long while after she was gone from this Earth. And, so what?? I'm 43, and sleeping with my
girl's toys. It helped me to feel very close to her...
I even took Lemur with me when I went out, etc... Just to hold & caress it!

Be kind & gentle to yourself....."these surprise days" will come now & again..... I believe it's how our healing process is meant to go.

You are in my thoughts & prayers.

I light a candle everyday for all of our babies who have passed over to Rainbow's Bridge...

Love, Denise

[Steph]

Hello, I'm a relative newbie here.
I'm so sorry about your loss. Jordan sounds like a lovely friend. It's so sad to lose them. It breaks your heart.

[LittleGirl's...]

Anln,

Yes, I have those days too! Sometimes I welcome the tears, sometimes I'm afraid of them, sometimes I feel I might need to cry but somehow I "put it off" for awhile.

Keep in touch. You're among family here!

[BabyHannahsMom]

I'm sorry too that you had such a bad day. It happens to us all, I think. Those "waves of grief" wash over us so expectedly sometimes. It's no wonder you had that experience, what with finding the toys and the new pictures, and the leash. And oh how I miss my soft little baby Hannah's soft little tiny body and silky silver hair. I understand.

As Muffins said, this is what it takes to heal. I too am like Little Girl's Mommy and sometimes at least lately, have been afraid of the tears and have "shut down" a little, but then they come "out of nowhere," or at some flash of memory or thought, and I can't help it. I did last night and this morning again, go into the missing, missing, wanting her here "mode."

Take care.
Marcia

[anln]

Thanks everyone.
It really helps to hear your comments. I appreciate it more than you know. (Actually, you all probably DO know!) I am so grateful that I found this site and for all of you who share and listen.

[Muffins]

Hi Anln:

I was wondering how you are doing today???

I was thinking of you, and all of the people here on the site who are having a hard time...........
It is sooo hard!!!!!

I light a candle daily, and when I look at it, or smell it......I remember.....

Today was a horrible day in the U. S. because of the "execution" of that American Man in Saudi Arabia....
My heart is very heavy & very sad.....

I just wish that "the whole world" could "get along", like we here at "LS" do....
You know???? I guess "wishing that would be too easy..."

I know this is not "a forum" for such talks, but that just made me terribly sad.......
I feel so bad for the family......for his wife & kids & extended family......

I hope that you will be able to print one of your beloved Jordan's photo's on the site for us to
all look at .......
I love when you said, "velveteen ears"..........
I bet you could've just carressed them forever.....

When I look at our Lucy & our Mr. Yoster (Yo-Yo Ma); he has several names.........
It's like..........
this time, let's really do the very, very best that we can, while raising our new "furkids"....

Of ALL the things that we "wished" we had done "more" for Ernestine, we are more "conscious" to try
and remember those "little special things"......

We adopted Lucy & Yo-Yo exactly one month after Ernie was put to sleep....
Adoption date 3/6/2004..... They both lived together, with 3 other kitties in an abusive home!!!!!

Lucy is approximately 6 years old & Yoster is about 7 years old..

I just want to be "the kindest & most loving mommy that I can be".... You know???? But, as well, first and
foremost, Ben & I ARE HUMAN........ Bound to make mistakes along the way....
But, to try and do the best that we know how.....

As someone on this site said to me a long while ago,....... YOU ARE FAMILY...... Families aren't perfect.

I know that "WE all do the very best that we can....." No question there....

We give them a lot of love!
Always..........everyday!!!!
They know they are loved, and, we know that we will always miss our special girl, Ernestine...

It's a gift, really, being their "new parents"....I thank our Girl Ernestine, for leading us to Mr. Yoster & Lucy.....!!!!
I know that she did!

God Bless you!!!!

You're in my thoughts & prayers,

Love, Denise

[anln]

Dear Denise, (and everyone)
Thank you for your replies. I'm having a better day today,,. no tears or anything.
I don't know if anyone else has had this experience but today it was nearly noon before I had thought of Jordan and then I feel so guilty... as if I'm diminishing his importance or my feeling of loss. I know he wants me to just have happy thoughts about him and I AM able to think about more and more happy memories all the time. I guess it just boils down to the fact that I miss him and want him here!

[BabyHannahsMom]

Yes, I have had the same experience a few times, and I too felt "guilty." But it's a beginning of learning to live with our very changed lives without our babies. And, of course, they would not want us to be sad. The best that we can do is to try to move forward and learn and grow. We have all shared so much love with our little ones, so much to be grateful for. Also, since most of our time is still spent missing and grieving, I think after awhile, we just have to have a little reprieve. We all need to take care of ourselves and not go into deep depression. Lord knows, the pain and longing is just too overwhelming sometimes. Bless you.
Marcia