Euthanasia, Help me to accept I did the right thing Options

[E.M]

Sheps mama

Debbie,

Just checking to see how you are as you haven't posted for a few days, and on your last post you were having such a crap time.

Are you ok?

Let us know and keep in touch, or are you ready to 'graduate' from this site?

E.M

[Amarna]

Debbie, Shep's Momma, I too have been thinking about you, wondering how you are doing... Your story really touched me, and I'm sure so many of us here feel the same way. Please take care, and know that Shep loves you, no matter what. Our babies love us.
Blessings to you and your dear Shep.

*I love you, Caesar! Time to come in, now baby... it's finally getting cold out.*

If only we could physically reach the places our thoughts and hearts travel to, so many times, even if only for a moment, and stroke their precious fur just once more, to smooth a ruffle here and there...

[My Buddy]

Dear Armana, Your Ceasar is a real beauty, your words struck home to me tonight, if only....just one more time.....you could scratch that chin, give a big kiss, get a big kiss, a big hug...there's no better, just to really know if they are okay...where are you? how are you? if only.....I'm having one of those nights....glad to know you're feeling the same...take care, Tory, Hrudey's momma

[bluest1]

I can only hope that when Iam too old and unable to run or walk or even feed myself, that someone who loved me could do the same for me:-) It is the ultimate gift of love.. When you put your own feelings aside and do what is best for your friend.. Iam so sorry for your friends passing. Peace be with you:

[Amarna]

Dear Tory, Hurdry's momma,

I sure am having one of "those nights", here, too, so you are definitely not alone. The tears just keep coming, and it's been five weeks today since we buried him. You know what me and my husband did? We put one of those lighted deer out where we laid Caesar to rest. It moves his head back and forth. It's a little fawn. I can see it from the kitchen window through the night. His little head moves to look at me in the window. It reminds me so much of my Caesar-pup. Just a bit of movement out there... Thanks for your kind words and thoughts.

Amarna *hugs*

[sheps mama]

E.M. and Amarna - sorry for not posting sooner. I have been at work and don't always get a chance to go on the site. Also, when I am back at home, I mostly go on to the site at night time and I have found that this is keeping me awake through the night. I seem to lie there thinking about Shep and everyone else going through the same things as me, and it is troubling me to the point where I am getting upset again and can't sleep. The truth is I am missing the site but when I log on to it at work in the morning, I am again overwhelmed by my sense of loss and get upset at work - so I have been avoiding it until I feel better again.

We received Shep's ashes back yesterday. It seems to have calmed me a little but unsettled my partner. I'm just happy to have him home agin, although I'm not ready to scatter them as yet.

I know I said I'd never have another animal again but I now find I am craving the company of animal (crazy I know!). I miss their unconditional love and the comfort they give to you. My house is very empty now and I don't think I'll ever get used to going to bed without a last walk in the rain at night.

Because Shep's markings were white at the head and blue on the body, I keep waking up at night and thinking I can see him lying at the side of the bed - (normally I would only see the white part of him in the moonlight) and then I remember. However, I am definitely getting better - the complete and utter agony and insanity I felt before has lifted and I am left with pain that is getting easier to bear (and now feel guilty about this ....go figure!).

I hope you both are feeling better and coping with these horrible feelings. I sometimes wish we could all meet up and have a proper chat - it would be great - all of us sitting there with mascara running etc!! I really appreciated both of you asking after me - the people around me just now aren't part of our club - they are of the "it's just an animal" gang and it makes me feel like I shouldn't be feeling as crap as I am over my boy Shep.

Amarna, I completely understand what you did with the deer - just a little movement is enough to help sometimes - I guess you don't have any other animals like me? Hopefully though, by the end of the year we will have another dog. I can't wait - it's very strange not having to trudge about through the wind and rain at all hours of the day & night!!

Take care & write soon.

Debbie
Sheps mama
***

[E.M]

Debbie,

I really glad you have posted, I've been thinking about you every day wondering how you were and hoped you would come back and let us know.

I totally understand you not coming here if you are not up to it, or if it is upsetting you and I totally understand the thoughts about 'getting better', I didn't like the idea that once the grief is gone then what do you have left? It is not a bad thing though, I've been crying less, I even went 4 days without crying and then felt bad about it. It's the quite times when it hits you the most, like you say when you go to bed, and then I just think 'well thats another day without Denis, what is so bloody good about that!'

I'm glad you are thinking about another dog though at some point, I think they can be great healers at a time like this. I am now a proud owner of a black cat which I call Denis the 2nd, but the good thing about this one is that I don't have to feed it, I don't have to take it to the vets, it is never going to get sick, but best of all it is not going to die on me because it is a very realistic curled up toy cat!! I hope that made you smile.

You have another traumatic issue ahead of you to deal with, the scattering, so try to be strong, I'm sure your boy will be looking down on you.

I quite agree, it would be good to all sit around with tear streaked mascara running down our faces! The 'outside world' just doesn't seem to get it, do they?

Anyway, take care and write when you can.

Debbie (E.M)

[vizsla-angel]

Hey Debbie,

I was thinking about you too! It's ok to back away a little if you need to. I've decided to try mornings instead of nights to see how that works for me.

When I recieved Patton's ashes back, I couldn't bring myself to scattering those either. What finally ended up happening was I put them in the ground, then put in some mulch, and then planted a rose bush. For me, this was the better alternative. I had been holding his ashes since November and it wasn't until May that I was able to let go.

Thinking about getting another dog is a great step. I'm proud of you. I do already have another because my crazy girl Penny can't handle being an only child so I did it for her welfare. He is very different from Copper except he hits you with his paw really hard when he wants attention just like Copper did. It's not exactly the same, but going back to being a two dog house has helped with the loneliness. And it helps knowing Copper would approve of me giving a homeless dog from the animal shelter a home. You'll know when you're ready to actually take the plunge.

Love,
V

[myhrtisbrkn]

Debbie,

It is good to here from you. It is short days for you yet and I know you still hurting so much.
Its a curious thing about the " its just an animal" crowd. Some of them are callus , soulless, insensitive boors, and some of them are just ignoramuses who are in their clumsy way trying to make you feel better. Anyway, there are far too many of both kinds.
I scattered some of Macks ashes in various of his favorite parks, out on the ranch, and in the park where Birga pulled him out of the cold, swollen,creek. Some of the ashes I keep, on the hearth, in the velvet bag I recieved them in. And I bought a tiny little key fob, in the same color as my truck that I keep on my truck key: and my faithful trucking companion goes wherever the truck and I go. The strange thing about Mackies ashes is that they are still warm. he died Sept 2, and we got the ashes back one week later, his ashes are still warm.I'm trying not to reach for a magical explanation for that, but I find the warmth of his ashes dangling against my knee from my key chain to be a source of courage, and comfort and inspiration.
I struggled with that tricky "once the grief is gone, what do you have left", business. I think the answer is, and I'm not entirely there yet, a healthy, joyous rememberance, unblemished by tears.
For now I wish you a whole day unblemished by tears.

Dayna

[My Buddy]

Dear Debbie and my fellow animal lovers,
I am also glad to hear from you and was wondering how you were doing, I feel the same way about the posting, because it keeps me up at night and if I do it (like right now) at work, then I can't focus well here either, you do what you need to for yourself.

I am glad you and others brought up the ashes issue...I am still awaiting Hrudey's...we are a strange family, I have a serious dread at ever "opening" them, we still have our Frank's ashes in the mailing box...its on our shelf in our living room but in the mailer box...we did agree my husband and I that its time for a nice something (hate the urn word) now that we are going to have two. See we want to be scattered with our pets when we die, so my poor daughter will have to do the duty, or at least be scattered in the same place... but its a real issue for me, my heart is hurting right now thinking about it...but I like the key fob idea, or necklace, Is that morbid? but something to always be with you, I have his fur with me, and his collar, but..anyway, its something to think about, I also love the garden idea.. planting under a rose bush too, or maybe a tree, and that can be his tree....good ideas everyone....

I know I wish we could all hang out, it would be funny and great.. well I'd better get back to work, All the best to you all, Much Love, Tory Hrudey's Momma

[Amarna]

Debbie, Shep's Mommy! it was good to see you here, again! But I understand why you had to take a break. I know it's difficult during the night, coming here. I usually visit this site in the morning. I can only imagine the difficulty of visiting a site like this during a work environment. But whenever you need us, ~~ whenever, wherever ~~ we are here for you.

When you said the thing about taking a walk with Shep in the rain and wind at night and during the day too, how well I understand that! In the rain, in the cold, all hours of the night, sleep only being a sporadic thing, for both Caesar and I... It's going to be hard to ever walk outside in the yard at night, alone, again. It had to be done, because the alternative was unbearable. And if I had to do "the alternative" all over again, I really don't think I could. I would falter.

That would be great, indeed, if we could all meet, amid the masacara waterfalls! But at least we have the internet. And for that, I am ever grateful. To be able to reach out, it has helped me so much. Just to not be alone, when "alone" would be the only option at times. To read the words of ones who understand. It helps. It has helped so very much.

I look at his deer out there, every night. He "looks" at me, and then over to the route he used to take to my parents' home. Then back at me... A simple white skeleton of a decorative deer-fawn. Yet it reminds me so much of my Caesar, far away, in the night. Still moving, and looking my way...

In answer to your question, my husband and I do have another doggie. Our Ramses. He has caught so many of my tears. I don't know what I would have done without him. But he's not my Caesar. He's Ramses. Caesar was the first dog I ever had. He was *my* dog. I'm so grateful for Ramses being here, but Caesar was... Caesar. I don't know how to find the right words to convey what I'm trying to say. We set up an appointment to look at a litter of Keeshond pups last weekend. At the last moment, we had to cancel. Just didn't feel right. I would love another keeshond pup, someday. I know we'll have one, again. And as much as I'd love to hold a puppy now in my arms, I just can't do it, yet. I'd fall to pieces. In the Spring, perhaps. I can't imagine not having another keeshond in the Spring... But never another Caesar. I can never have that here, again.

Take care... Many blessings to you. And thanks.

Amarna

[vizsla-angel]

Hey Everyone,
I think this what to do with the ashes is a good topic for discussion, be it painful.

Tory, I don't think a necklace is morbid. If that's what you want, then you should do it. I think there's some sort of way they can permantly encase the ashes. Have you heard of that? I seem to have some sort of fuzzy memory from making my Dad's arrangements with the people funeral home. Key fob's not morbid either. It made me smile thinking of Mack always getting a car ride!

After Copper's $1700 worth of surgery, we couldn't afford cremation for him. We buried him between two trees in the back yard where we were planning a garden this spring. In the future, that is where all our animals will go. Hopefully cremated. Everyone will have their own garden stone. Copper's in on order. It says, "If Love Could Have Saved You, You Would Have Lived Forever". And we're going to get a statue of St. Francis of Assisi, the patron saint of animals.

I like your deer Amarna. Thinking of it looking in on you like Caesar would is such a great thought. I totally understand what you're saying about Ramses is not your Caesar. My new dog Marley is not my Copper. But Copper wasn't Patton. And Max wasn't Cookie. And Toe-B wasn't Samatha. And Bibs wasn't Fido. And that's nowhere close to all of them. I've had so many dogs and not one was the other. Everyone was special.

Marely is a sweet, dopey, clumsy, love bug and a great dog in his own right. This morning I woke up to my vizsla girl Penny licking my face because she likes to sleep under the covers and Marley was sprawled out on top of them taking up 2/3 of the bed. My girl with the terrible start in life before she was rescued, who went back to snarling and biting after she lost her mentor, has blossomed into a true "diva dog" with the arrival of her new companion. She gives Marley funny looks when he falls off the bed or sprawls out on the floor rather than laying "perfectly" like her. She's still not Copper, but Copper would be proud.

I think all our dogs are proud of us.
Love,
V

[sheps mama]

Hello again. I love all of the ideas for the ashes - none of them are morbid - it's just our way of trying to get back that feeling of closeness, of being around them once more, and I can totally understand that.

V-Angel, I wanted to bury Shep in our garden but was worried because we may move away in years to come & I would hate to leave him behind. Also, Shep used to be an eight stone beast and over 5 feet tall on his back legs so the hole would have to have been huge. I'm happy to have his ashes back and as I said before, he feels closer somehow. I'm so glad Penny is feeling better - it certainly sounds like you are too. I read some of your other postings and my heart broke for you - not sleeping and dealing with Penny's behaviour. Thank heavens we are all kindred spirits and are experiencing the same thing - I believe this alone has got me to where I am now, because as much as my partner loves Shep in exactly the same way as I do, he just doesn't deal with it the way I do. I can accept this but it gives me no comfort - I come here for that. I really admire how well you know your animals but then again that is a 2 way street for all of us here - we feel this pain because our babies knew us just the same.

Amarna - you know you are an animal lover when you go out in 70 mph winds and driving rain for the "last" walk at night. Usually this was Shep's ###### weather and he would do the "slow waltz" back home to let him savour the wind and rain getting through his fur to his skin. 2 towels and much puffing & panting later and he would be a little bit drier - how I miss the smell of wet dog and picking spiders / slugs / leaves etc off of him!!!

Debbie (EM) - yes I did smile when I read about Denis the 2nd. Maybe one day another cat will touch you in the same way Denis did - I truly hope so. I don't know if I will scatter the ashes just yet - I have him in the bedroom and say goodnight to him each evening, but I'm really missing him slobbering up to me at the side of the bed for a goodnight kiss (especially with a wet beard after a drink! - what a rude awakening!!)

Tory, I think your idea to have your ashes scattered along with your animals' is beautiful - to spend eternity on the winds together. Your ideas are not morbid - they simply show a desire to be near your loved ones again - how can that be morbid?

Danya, I know what you mean about having the keyfob dangling next to your leg. I have a toy OESD and it's tucked in between my bed and bedside table so I can kiss a familiar face goodnight and think of him creeping up on me with a wet beard.

Shep's personality was huge and writing about him only makes me feel his loss more. I always knew I would be left with a very big hole to fill in my life when he went, but i wasn't prepared for just how empty my life would feel.

I think I will dig all the old photos out of the loft and make up a Sheppy photo album. One particular picture springs to mind. I am half Italian and at a fancy dress party at our house we dressed Shep up as an AC Milan soccer player - (we used to call him the Old Italian Sheepdog - Sheparino!!). We cut holes in the socks so he wouldn't slip and a hole in the shorts so he could still pee!! He was at his happiest when he was involved with everyone. He didn't always need lots of attention - just to be around us when we had a party or barbecue or whatever - he was very content. I think this would help me although I'm sure I'll be blinded by tears at the same time.

Take care everyone and thanks for your support - I feel like I'm finally part of something where you can be yourself.

Debbie
Sheps mama

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Debbie,

Okay, your last post got me going....I, too, hold and kiss my cat-stuffie toy each night (and several times in the daytime) before attempting to get to sleep. (I'd gotten a few watery kisses, too, over the years, from Nissa, but not all the time! ) I also hold its mouth in place over mine for awhile, trying to recapture the feel of Nissa's "furry lips" resting on mine, as she also began doing as part and parcel of our kiss sessions....sigh.....it was one of the most endearing and thrilling pasttimes of my entire life with her...the two of us just laying there, lip to lip, her purring and me sighing, until we both hunkered down for a night's snooze. Then I'd keep kissing the back of her head, or her cheek, or ear, or whatever part I could reach while still keeping my head on the pillow.....or not! I always told her the things she did, and who she was, created a real slice of Heaven on Earth, and this was definitely one of her best 'moves' ever. It's incredibly hard to live without it now, especially knowing full well how rare it is among cats to have one who kisses you on the mouth, like a human does. NO one kissed me like my gal could!

And you made me laugh, recounting your debugging of Shep after your walks together! ....but a bit of eewwwww, too! I hope those slugs weren't the giant kind! I'm a total gardener, but there are still certain creatures I'd rather NEVER have to touch, even if I DO respect their existence! Thanks for that, and I'm glad this site is helping you as much as it does most of us. Yes, it IS good to be able to be oneself and feel the warmth of acceptance, no matter HOW lousy you're feeling!

[vizsla-angel]

Oh Debbie!
If you really, truly miss picking out spiders and slugs, I am so very sorry!!! I'm not saying that not having to do it is a "benefit" by any means. Just seems a little interesting for a fond memory.

I would have preferred creamation too. Copper was a big dog, not quite as big as Shep though. We're just grateful that it's been unseasonalbly warm here because usually the ground would have been frozen solid. Even so, it took my husband about an hour to dig. He wanted to dig it alone and after Copper was in he wanted to bury him alone. He found some sort of comfort and healing in it. Which was fine by me because I found the whole thing unbearable. We don't expect to move, but if we ever do it's not much in our minds that Copper is "there" anyways. Now that I think of it, if we ever do sell this house, maybe we'll warn the new owners about where the cemetary is after all the papers are signed.

It would be so great if we could all meet up some day. If we're going to do it, let's do it right. We'll meet in Iowa. After we're done crying our eyes out, we'll refresh our mascara and head out to all the puppy mills they have there. Everyone bring your butt-kicking boots! Nothing like misdirection some anger on someone who deserves it anyway to make you feel a little better!

Love,
V

[My Buddy]

HI V, and Sheps Mom, and Arnana,

Thanks for your support on the ash issue..., and Shep's Mom, I think a photo album is a great idea, we have so many pictures of our buddy, I am cherishing them along with the pain, but I almost feel I have to see them all the time right now, it helps, but I understand some are pretty painful...my mother talked to me about having a painting done of him for us that is done from a photo, apparently there are alot of artists that do this she knows of one in her area, and its nice because its your own photo. I think it is a really nice idea....something long lasting.

V...your story is very understandable in this world of crazy vet bills. I remember our family burying our Sheltie in our backyard of our home when we were young, especially in the yard that they loved. Plus, if its part of your garden its a wonderful idea.

Arnana, I love the light up deer, that is so sweet....and I am glad it gives you a good feeling.

Well Take Care everyone, Peace and Love, Tory, Hrudey's Momma

[sheps mama]

V Angel Tory etc - could you start a collection for my airfare right about now?!!! Some serious ass-kicking would really help. These losers at the puppy mills are exactly the kind of people I'd like to exact some anger on. We are all out of our minds here with grief and to these people, animals are just a way of making a quick buck - not a loving , feeling, thinking, giving bundle of love that we know them to be. So, if I win the lottery I'd be more than happy to come to Iowa - keep your fingers crossed! Then of course I'd have to start a sanctuary - could you imagine a place run by the likes of us, Tory, Furkidlet's mom etc? The animals would be lining up to join us!

I'm so glad you guys are here at this time with me and everyone else who needs you - it would be really nice to meet up one day, to show off all of our new (furry) additions to our families, if and when this happens for me (my partner is not up for it at the moment). But until then, your stories give me comfort and I will always be grateful for that.

Love

Debbie
Sheps mama