Dear Shani - Lost December 23, 2006 Options

[Daria]

Shani was the most amazing and beautiful little friend. She was a miniature schnauzer and my husband and I grew so very attached to her. She was very healthy for most of her life and didn't have any major medical issues. Out of the blue she started having grand mal seizures, the first one in October which was absolutely terrifying to witness and the vet put her on potassium bromide which helped to control the seizures but also made her drowsy, irritable and clumsy. The vet advised us that at her age seizures usually indicate the presence of a brain tumor.

We couldn't afford to get an MRI to absolutely confirm the diagnosis but were pretty sure that the vet was correct after doing our own research and observing her symptoms. As I think back to the few months prior to the seizures she had been showing symptoms and her personality started to change and she got to where she had trouble keeping balance and she couldn't navigate stairs anymore. I think in a way we knew she would die soon so we were able to prepare. But it is still a shock and you always hold out some hope that they will recover up until the very end.

Her symptoms continued to get worse and by the morning of Saturday Dec 23 she had declined so rapidly over the previous evening that she was having trouble remaining conscious as her lungs started filling with fluid and her heart was stopping. My husband Bruce was holding her close to his chest and we were hoping she would die naturally as he held her but I insisted on taking her to the vet as I didn't want her to suffer nor did I want to have to bury her. We made the agonizing decision that morning to have her put to rest. We had been through this once before but it is never easy. We are waiting for her ashes to be returned. It's been very hard. She was almost 13.

I still look for her and reach down near my legs to touch her every morning when I wake up. I still have trouble believing she's gone. Everything we did involved her. I spoke to her constantly. I loved to sing to her and make up silly songs for her. Every single moment of every day I thought of her. If I was at work, I couldn't wait to get home to be with her. She was everything that was good and right in the world. She was so pure and remarkable in every way. She was so smart and funny. She spoke in her adorable and unique way quite often. When we were with her she never once let us out of her sight nor did we let her out of ours. Every time I looked at her it made me smile.

She was with us virtually every moment of her life and she slept with us every single night on our bed and was such a happy and fun little character. She loved life so much and was able to travel to many different states when we went camping & got to stay in hotels with us. We never went anywhere without her and she was definitely the central focus of our life. In fact, when we first got her in Feb 1994 I took a week of vacation off to stay with her! Thereafter, every vacation day, day off, and holiday was spent with her.

Before moving to Iowa last February we owned a small bookstore in Northern California. She became the store dog and was with us all day every day. For the past several years and up to the moment she died there was never a time when she was alone. It was important to my husband and I that she was always with us and we were fortunate to have been able to arrange our life to make that possible. She was the most playful doggie I've ever known. She had a whole laundry basket full of toys and would play with each and every one. She would even put her toys back in the basket once she was done playing with them! We were sure she was a genius and she proved that time and time again!

When I would come home with bags of groceries she insisted on looking in every bag. Often I would buy her a new toy and hide it in one of the bags for her to find. She so loved getting new toys! She also used to love playing with lemons and limes. She was so funny because she would bite them and get the juice in her mouth and would get the funniest look on her face. But, she would continue to play with them like a ball anyway. Often I would go to work and open my bag and find a toy or two inside. I used to love that! She also used to love digging in the dirt, going to the beach and playing in the snow. She was a great watchdog and was fiercely protective of us. It took her quite awhile to warm up to other people.

For the past several months my husband has been unemployed and Shani was by his side every day and provided much needed support. She would go to him and put her paw on top of or in his hand several times a day and look at him to let him know she was there. She would insist on him playing with her and would make him take her outside several times a day. She actively helped him stay upbeat and positive and gave him so much joy. On the other hand, since her health was declining it was a comfort to know that she wasn't alone and was able to be nursed by my husband while I was at work during the day. Even though we were struggling with one income we knew that it was a blessing to have Bruce at home with her. Things happen the way they are supposed to it would seem.

I lost my brother September 2005, his best friend in October 2005 and my uncle in December 2005 and Shani was there to help me through those terrible losses. I came to rely on her for support and she gladly gave everything she had and more. I have no regrets other than the fact that she is no longer with us. We gave her everything she needed and she gave us so much more in return. She was loved very much - very, very much. She smiled often and was an amazing soul. It helps me to share her life with you. She did indeed have a most wonderful life. It's hard to imagine ever getting over this sweet creature. I wish I could adequately convey how special she was but words do little justice.

No one could have loved her more than us. I am sure of that!

Daria

Here is a picture of Shani. Her name means "Little Entertainer".
She couldn't have had a more appropriate name!

[Muffins]

Dear (((((((Daria & Bruce)))))))

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story about your beloved Shani. I love her photo -- such an adorable little face.

Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you as you travel on this new journey. ALWAYS know that your precious Shani is within you both -- she resides in your loving hearts, forever she will .
And, the memories that you all shared are yours to keep!! No one can ever take them away from you!

She was everything that was good and right in the world. She was so pure and remarkable in every way.

I honestly believe that is soooooooo true of all of our furkids........ I have no doubt of that.
I believe that all of God's creatures are really Angels here on Earth .

Please come here often -- you are truly among family here. We all understand how you feel.

Wishing you both love, peace & strength.

God Bless.

Denise

[Moose Mom]

Oh Daria

I'm so sorry you lost your Shani. She was so beautiful! What a face, just seeing it made me smile. Your love is in each line of your post. She was truly a remarkable and wonderful dog.

It's so good to hear stories of how much our babies are loved and cared for. Thank you so much for sharing her story. How much they loved us.

We lost our Moustache kitty on Oct 23, so I understand how hard it is for you. I hope you come here often. It seems to help when we help each other.

Love
Lori

[ryancat]

Daria,thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us.She was indeed a wonderful dog.....you write with such love for her.She really did have a wonderful life.I am so sorry for your loss and I wish there were words to tell you how sorry I am.Just know that you are not alone in your feelings.They are many of us going thur the same pain as you and your husband are.We lost our precious boy Sox on Oct. 13th and it really doesn't get any easier to bear.I think of him every day and miss him terribly.I can tell that you and your husband loved her so much,it shows in your words.Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.Come here as often as you need to,we understand.It's nice to have somewhere to go where people understand the pain you are suffering.Please be good to yourself,you were a wonderful mommy.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

[Daria]

All,

Thanks so much for the kindness you have all shown. It helps more than words can say and I am deeply thankful. I picked up Shani's ashes Tuesday night and boy did that hurt. Even though I saw her die it was still hard at times to believe that she was gone. Getting her ashes really brought home the finality of her death and it was incredibly painful. I can survive quite well during the day while at work but mornings and evenings are still difficult. Also, since Shani's death there have been times when I've seen her or heard her - something I have never experienced before. I am not a total skeptic but I do prefer some sort of tangible proof before I believe in something and I am confused by this. On the one hand I can explain away these experiences of seeing & hearing Shani as my mind's way of hanging on.

On the other hand, if her spirit is here and has some sort of consciousness, I don't want to reject it and I want to appreciate it. It seems so real and I feel so strongly in the moment that she is with me - so much so that I forget that she's gone. After these very brief moments where I've seen or heard her it usually makes me cry because I realize again that she is gone and it's like going through the pain of her death over and over again as if it were for the first time. Has anyone ever experienced this before? I hope I'm making sense. I do not have any particular belief system or faith at this time. I do not feel lost or unconnected or unfulfilled by not having a specific belief system and I have no problem whatsoever with anyone else's beliefs as I understand such things to be very personal and individual.

But I must say that I am struggling a bit as to how I should interpret my experiences with my dog's spirit (?) for lack of a better description. I would so love to be sure that it is her but I find that I am having trouble accepting that possibility. If anyone has any similar experiences I would love to hear about them! Thank you so very much for everything. You all are such special and caring people and I can't thank you enough! Your animal babies were truly lucky to have been cared for and loved by all of you. I wish that all of the precious animals in the world could be so fortunate!

Daria

Shani sleeping with one of her many toys. April 16, 2006

[Moose Mom]

Daria

But I must say that I am struggling a bit as to how I should interpret my experiences with my dog's spirit (?) for lack of a better description.

Well it's all in what you are comfortable with. I think Shani is trying to get in touch with you and help comfort you. In science energy never is gone, it just changes form, and life is energy. Quantum physics wise at the end of string theory and M. theory is unity. Our brain recieves millions of images per second but can only process 2000, mostly about where we are and how we feel. So perhaps our loved ones are not gone, we just can't see them anymore. I think being alive on Earth is a way to filter out the things we know and see as a learning experience.

Would it hurt to talk to her when you feel her? Let her know you are aware? If in fact it's just your mind, wouldn't it be okay to be nuts for her?

My cat jumps on the bed to let me know he's there. If I feel it and look and no one is there, I know it's my Mouse. I feel he has sent me many signs. I take comfort from them.

Oh a great picture too, Shani was such a beauty!

Love
Lori

[Daria]

Lori,

My husband and I have been speaking along those lines regarding energy and what happens to it when it's no longer contained in a living being. I very much agree with what you've said and have given it much consideration. I have been speaking to Shani and it does help in a way. I guess my issue is that although I've always known that she would die before me, she was such a vital life force and had such a huge and encompassing energy that I never imagined life without her. I do believe that energy is ever present and never ceases. However, I can't figure out the mechanism that allows energy to retain memory or consciousness. That is really at the core of my question and perhaps that is a question that cannot be answered.

In any case, there does seem to be some sort of residual consciousness (of former living beings) that many of the surviving loved ones have experienced. I cannot deny that and I wouldn't want to deny it! I think it's a beautiful thing and is much needed. As I recover from this profound loss I will be able to accept her presence in her transformed state and will view it as a source of joy rather than regret that I cannot see or touch her anymore. Each day brings more relief and acceptance. I know from previous experience that one never really "gets over" the loss of loved ones but rather, can look forward to smiling rather than crying at the recollection of memories.

Thank you for your insights. You have helped me greatly by sharing your perspective!

Blessings,

Daria

Shani Sleeping Peacefully

Shani Looking Pretty

[lynda]

Oh Daria, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. What a beautiful little girl, I am sure you miss her every moment. One thing that I am grateful for is that you are able to see all these wonderful pictures and to share them with us. I hope that it does your heart good to go through these images and realize from looking at them what a good, loved life that you provided for Shani. It is so obvious what good care you took of her and that she knew that she was cherished. I have only today begun to look at my photo albums (I lost my beloved cat on Christmas morning), but that was a thought that came to me when I did begin to look at them. It is hard not to have some regrets about something when a loved one leaves this earth, but going through the photos I was comforted by all the happy scenes of my baby in good health and doing things that he loved. It helped me feel that, yes, he did have a good life.

I do know the feeling of having visitations from beloved pets who are no longer here with me in physical form...visitations that seem so real that I am devastated all over again when I discover that they have not really returned to me. Larry had a little friend he was very close to...in fact he raised the little guy from a tiny shelter kitten. Atticus was never strong physically, and we lost him at the age of only 10. I thought I would never get over it. Several times I had dreams in which I was able to see him, even hold him and stroke his fur again. On waking he was gone again, and I would feel like my heart was being crushed. I am not sure whether he came to comfort me (my grief was very painful and lasted awfully long), or if he was wanting somehow to return to his home with us, he missed us so. It would have been just like him to want to do both...Well, I do not have those dreams anymore, but what happens now is that I see him in dreams but he is waaaaay out in this sunny meadow, playing and enjoying the sunshine (he was so in love with the hot sun that I often had to remove him from the screened porch for fear he would let himself overheat.) He looks in my direction, but he does not come to me. He seems to be conveying the thought that he is happy where he is, and that it will be soon enough that we are all together again. It's been almost five years, and I still see him out there in the meadow. I am at peace with it.

Daria, I am so, so glad that you can count on the knowledge that you were with Shani when you had your vacations and time off. This is a comfort to me too. I used to feel a little sorry for myself because I was so protective of the cats that I did not go off and leave them for any lengths of time for vacations, but now that my original group is all gone, I am extremely grateful that it was like this. I never spent a couple of days at the beach, but I treasure the memory of our "special moments" at home. Not even a month in Hawaii all expenses paid would even come close to the value of one day off curled up with Larry.

I'm new to this site too, but already have experienced enormous benefits and comfort from the wonderful loving hearts here who understand. I'm so glad you have come to us. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you move through this sad new land of grieving.

Lynda

[vizsla-angel]

Daria,
What a pretty girl. I am so sad for your loss! It so hard to lose someone that's been so much a part of your life for so long.

However, I can't figure out the mechanism that allows energy to retain memory or consciousness.

These days it seems very popular to try to figure this out scientifically. It's been a question since the beginning of man and we still don't know. Going back to all of the religions of the world, including ones that aren't around anymore, most point to there being no such thing as the death of a Spirit. There may be some nut jobs out there saying dogs & cats don't go to Heaven, but I'm not even going to waste my time addressing that nonsense! My point is, in various themes, the conclusion has been made that life does not end with the cesation of breath. The next two most likely themes after that are ascention into a Higher Plane or reincarnation. In either case, the reward is usually to be reunited with loved ones or to be appointed as a guardian of them.

I am an American Indian. I believe trees have Life Spirits, who reincarnate into a new form after they die. (Which is why you should be nice to trees!) So it makes perfect sense to me that this wonderful little girl will be waiting for you when you cross over. There's no way that 2 Spirits can bond as yours did and then part. If you want to throw reincarnation into the mix, you will continually meet again until you both reach the Higher Plane.

I've felt presenses and had visits from loved ones who've crossed over, both people and furbabies. They are quite personal, so I'd rather not share them here. But I will assure you that I know that your Shani will not forget you in the next life!

[Moose Mom]

Daria

Oh two more great pictures, she was a doll.

I guess my issue is that although I've always known that she would die before me, she was such a vital life force and had such a huge and encompassing energy that I never imagined life without her. I do believe that energy is ever present and never ceases. However, I can't figure out the mechanism that allows energy to retain memory or consciousness. That is really at the core of my question and perhaps that is a question that cannot be answered.

Perhaps it cannot. In quantum physics they have discovered 'dark matter'. If fact MOST of the universe is this 'dark matter'. I think perhaps we are not ready to know what it is or what form we go into. Or prehaps we are alive on Earth to forget for a time.

My Moose kitty was a huge soul in a tiny body, so vital and alive, I never thought I'd lose him at 10. The huge and encompasing life force that was Moustache and Shani, their soul, perhaps it was so big their little bodies couldn't hold it anymore, it just had to expand and full the universe.

I too follow a nature religion path. I try to find the ones who have gone before me in trees and stars and the sun on the snow. It would be nice to touch it, wouldn't it? To somehow know you were holding them once more? One last hug, one last kiss? I wish for that so much.

Love
Lori

[Daria]

Lori, Lynda, Vyzsla Angel & All,

Thanks so much for the replies. You've given me much to consider. Lynda, I'm so sorry for the loss of your cat on Christmas. It's just the most awful thing losing your best friend. I loved your story about your dreams. How wonderful! I totally agree that vacation days were made to relax and curl up with our furry babies!

Vyzsla Angel, I have a deep respect for our Native American brothers & sisters. I, too have a bit of Native American blood and its influence is undeniable. I think your perspective is so comforting and I really feel that I have known Shani throughout many lives. We were just too connected not to have had previous life experiences with each other. My scientific side tends to try to look for rational explanations. It's hard to find an adequate explanation for the deep bond one can have with another that seems to transcend lifetimes. Thank you for reassuring me.

Lori, your thought that our baby's souls were so big that eventually they grew too big for their little bodies and had to fill the universe was one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. What a wonderful perspective! I will treasure that one for a long, long time!

I've gotten to the point to where I can smile more than cry when I remember my Shani. I do still feel such a tremendous loss but I came to the realization that we owe it to our animal friends to be happy. I remember going through some tough emotional times throughout Shani's life and it made her equally upset, especially because she felt that she couldn't help me. When I noticed how upset she was I made the effort to overcome my sadness right then and there because it broke my heart to have made her so sad. Her one desire in life was to make me happy and for me to be proud of her. The best way I can honor her is to be as happy as possible and to love life as she did. Especially when I think of her.

Hugs to all!

Daria


Shani - About 2-3 Months Old (1994)

[Moose Mom]

Daria

Oh the baby picture of Shani! What a cute puppy! You must have lost your heart to her as soon as you saw her. If I said anything that helped you, you are very welcome. When I help others I help myself. It gives me comfort to think my Moose is so big he fills the universe now, and is all around me.

Love
Lori

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Daria,

Somehow I seem to have missed your post until now! (my head's been rather shot since I lost my gal, Nissa) I'm sorry for that, and for the physical loss of your sweet Shani....and she certainly is! So beautiful, just like your lives together, filled with a love so huge it could never really end.

I've taken much comfort myself from ideas presented in your thread. I, too, really like Lori's take on a soul being too big to be contained any longer. That would certainly fit my Sabin, who left us at the early age of 13.

And speaking of whom, since you asked ( be warned: this isn't short!)...Sabin was the one who taught me that consciousness doesn't end, and that love never dies....and he still does. Even before his leaving, I KNEW that he'd die that year...out of the blue. His visitations afterwards were numerous and began by the second day after he 'left'. His very first one was the best (for me) and most powerful. I felt him tromping my hair and nuzzling the inside of my ear, and heard him purring, during that state where I'd already started to wake up (conscious of being awake already, but not stirring yet) on the 2nd morning. This was one of my most fav*ourite things that he'd always done and always thrilled me to my core....and he knew it! My first thought was that all was normal, followed by knowing that he'd 'gone', followed by thinking it must be Nissa (his sister) taking on his ways...all this in a split second. I then opened my eyes, to find Nissa deeply asleep way down on my legs...and knew that it was my Bud who'd really come to me! While there was pain, too, for the most part I was ecstatic! HERE was my proof, that he not only wasn't really dead, but that he still loved me, despite his traumatic passing in which I'd had a hand. What greater gift could he have given me?!?!

In the next few wks, Nissa and I continually heard him jumping down from his usual spots upstairs when we were having our lap-time on the couch in the evenings. She'd crane her neck, all goosey-like, and I'd crank mine around, both of us actually expecting to see him loping down the stairs to come join us.

Then one night, while I was washing up in the bathroom, with Nissa by my feet and my H asleep in bed already, Nissa and I heard him clawing the carpet in the closet next to the bathroom door, where their carrier was and where he'd spent quite a bit of time snoozing on and off in the last year. We both were startled....and then it came again, just as loud, clear and unmistakeable. Nissa felt compelled to get up and slowly approach the closet door, and I...had to open it, for her, for me...just to see. I was crestfallen when he wasn't visibly present in there...but still...it was wonderful, both to hear him doing yet another thing he was known for, and in a place he'd hung out in, and also to have such clear validation from his sister as well...it wasn't just me.

He also began (and has never stopped) sending me his age (13), in so many places and times that I started keeping notes on this. It was incredible....often up to 5x's/day, for days then weeks on end. And when there were fewer, I'd simply ask him to send more....and I'd get more right away!

I also clearly heard him speak to me in my head once....it was NOT my own voice, nor any kind of thought that I would normally have had, being so depressed and grief-ridden.

I also had quite a few visitations in my 'dreams'...too many to detail here, but suffice it to say, the theme was most often the same: I could hold him and really FEEL his fur (there's a story behind this as well, so it was a clear indication); I simply 'got' from him that no matter what, he was safe and couldn't be harmed; he was here, yet he was physically gone; and we still loved each other as we always had.

He also sent me a particular, very obscure song that I'd often sung to him (as well as using as the last song at his burial), one Boxing Day when I was really missing him (about the 3rd year), which buoyed me up for days!

His actual burial was also full of amazing 'coincidences'.....which I no longer believe in (coincidences). He also came through Nissa on several occasions through the years, usually at specific times.....and more.....

In essence, I've received SOOOO much from my boy. He KNEW I needed this in order to carry on, in order to grow and open myself more to the wonders that truly exist....and to carry this message to others who need it. Sabin was a wise, old soul from whom I DIDN'T need proof that we'd been together many times before, in many ways. I just KNEW it in the deep recesses of my soul.

My curse has been that, after all that, I fully expected Nissa to 'follow in his footsteps' and do much the same for me when she'd 'gone'...and that hasn't happened, at least not in nearly the same kinds of ways. Essentially, only ONE real visitation 'dream', w/o the tactile experience, and some other smaller things that could be left open to interpretation....unlike these experiences with Sabin. So despite my knowledge, I'm totally distraught about my girl and am supposed to rely on trust now....but I can't so far, so remain distraught about her survival. It's crazy, but that's how it is with me. I always seem to need proof.

You might want to read "Animals And The Afterlife" by Kim Sheridan, a chronicling of many people's experiences after their furbabies crossed over, including her own which are very powerful. All sorts of animals are included, her own being of her beloved rats. She's in the midst of writing a second book, which may also include part of my experience in reading her first book, as it did bring up some pain for me because of the lack of signs from Nissa. But it's a great book, nonetheless, and may bring you much comfort AND understanding and possible explanations.

I hope this was of help to you, especially hearing that even those of us who've experienced such proof can still suffer doubt and fear when that isn't repeated to our satisfaction, with each of our babies. Sabin was just a Master at this and other such unseen but true things, and it pains me that the rest might have to be left up to a more 'blind' faith. But one thing's for certain ~ animals are here to teach us what we've lost touch with, and for that, they are certainly among the most hallowed beings that ever live.

[Daria]

Furkidlet's Mom,

Oh wow! Those experiences with your beloved Sabin are incredible! I can see how that really helped you and it also taught you so much! The experiences with Shani have for the most part stopped but they occured when I needed them. I figured that she is pretty busy in her new surroundings so I would not call on her to visit. I understand how you feel about not having the same type of experiences with your other baby Nissa. I did not have any experiences with Ms. Snowball, my first pet and only cat nor with Mr. Tiny, my sweet Scottish Terrier and Shani's love and friend who died several years ago. I also did not have any visitations from my brother Egan who died Sept 2005 although my sister & younger brother and several of his friends did. Shani was the only one that came back so to speak. I must say that Shani and I had a very, very deep connection and losing her was just the most horrible experience. Not that the other deaths were any less painful but Shani did not want to die and that made it all the much harder.

When she started having seizures in October (the first real indication that something major was wrong with her) and she would cry with such sorrow once she regained consciousness that I knew she was aware of the fact that she would not be around much longer. I also knew that she was afraid of dying and was fighting it every step of the way. Once she accepted her "fate" she started to die literally overnight but she had to accept the fact that she was going to die first. My other two furry friends were hurting and it was easy for them to accept death because they were in pain. My brother died of heart failure instantly and peacefully and had always told me that he would die young. So, he had accepted his death long ago. I have come to believe that Shani came back after her death because she never wanted to die in the first place. But, I think she has now accepted it and has moved on.

Each of us seems to get just what we need out of the deaths of our loved ones and each death teaches us something different. Americans (and some other nationalities I'm sure) unfortunately do not face death and celebrate it as many other cultures do so we have more issues with it. We do not have rites of passage and we suffer for this as a culture. So, we are left to pick up the pieces and interpret things on a very individual level which may have some benefits but can also be a more painful path. I think that forums such as this one can help tremendously because many of us are so lost when we are dealing with death. For me, after going through 4 major losses I can now understand and acknowledge what each one was meant to show me. I wish these lessons could be easier & less painful to learn but that is simply not the case.

Best Regards!

Daria

[myhrtisbrkn]

Daria,
What a darling, darling pup. I'm so sad for the loss of her.

More later,
Macks Mom

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Daria,

Yes, they were incredible, as was Sabin....and my darling Nissa! But she was always better at receiving than at 'transmitting'....perhaps why I haven't had as many signs from her. But it might also have something to do with having had such a truckload from her brother, and also some from all my other loved ones....my Mother, brother (both in '04) and even one auditory visitation from my 2nd budgie, back when I was 14. I've also had some 'living' experiences with others who were and still are alive. All to set the stage, I think, for each further experience. Now I have to go on the hope that WHEN something happens....OR I take some proactive step to 'make' it happen?....with my Nis', it'll be a real doozy!...I hope so, anyway. Otherwise...it doesn't make enough sense to me and I fear I'll be heartbroken and desperately worried for the rest of my sorry days!

You're right about the lack of ritual and more positive beliefs in our culture (we Cdns. are about the same...still a Western culture) only adding to our issues with dying and death. This simply has to change, as it's doing us no good! That's why I look to the more ancient beliefs for comfort...before we lost so much of our connection to The Whole. I figure that any belief systems that only add to our anguish cannot be right, as what kind of a loving Creator would BE loving if It's 'system' were the cause of such grief? But it's hard to 'deprogram' yourself after so many years of indoctrination....another reason why I thank my lucky stars that Sabin and Nissa came into my life to change my mind about all sorts of things.

Nissa, although cognizant of her impending departure, did not want to leave....ME... either. We both agreed with each other on this, just as I would not have wanted to leave HER. That's the part that really breaks my heart, because I couldn't stop it from happening, for her sake. I do know that she had to 'rest' her spirit for awhile afterwards, as is common amongst those who have struggled with illness for a long time. But that's also why I still worry for and about her, even though her energy rose again after a few weeks. Some say the departed don't miss us at all, and others say they do, but not as bad as we miss them....I tend to agree with the latter, for some reason, or just from intuition. Do you think your own acceptance of Shani's dying paralleled hers? Cuz I already knew, and had been told months before, that MY real job was to practise "acceptance" and as it was exactly with Sabin, who passed w/i minutes of me finally giving him 'permission' and my blessings to leave, so it was with Nissa, too. The very day that I made the choice to accept that she would leave imminently, was the day she really went downhill....and I knew then that all was really as it was supposed to be, no matter how much I hated it. My girl and I were on the same page, connected in spirit as we'd always been, instead of me fighting against it. I often now feel guilty about this, as if I could have stopped it all if I'd only changed my mind....but maybe not, otherwise whatever lessons are to come wouldn't be possible? It's a cruel circle of thought. Ugh! Sometimes I HATE my thinking head!!

I wish I already had all the answers I need, down to each and every tiny detail. I've never been fond of mysteries....so I don't do well with death. Yes, each parting has taught me some pretty remarkable things, but would that I'd just wake up one fine day and not NEED any more teachings to know what's really what! (or maybe I already do, and just can't accept it for real yet...) But it's always helpful and calming for me to have others to bat about these ideas with, so know that you've helped me, too, even though your loss is still so fresh. In fact, I think you're pretty remarkable, being able to even speak of such things so soon. I thank you for being here and sharing such deep thoughts, but if you need to just LEEEEAAAANNN, too, during your time of sorrow, then do so as well, and we'll hold you up as best we can.

Hugs and blessings, to both of you and Shani (may her spirit just soooaaarrrr, no matter what the mechanism that allows it is!)
F.'s Mom

P.S. Oh, and I just realized that you, me and Lori (Moose Mom) all share the same date...the 23rd of a month, so we'll all be going through anniversary dates together.