Time And Grief Options

[Furkidlets' Mom]

These are 2 paragraphs from the article by Pat Schwiebert, R.N. that I just posted in the resource section here (italics are mine).

Wasting time.
Though in real life I pride myself in being a master at mult*itasking, in the land of grief I’m much less sure of myself. I find it hard to make decisions because, in my new situation, I don’t trust myself to make the right choice. I want someone else to be responsible if something goes wrong. Sometimes my wasting time is about not having the energy to get started. I am physically exhausted and my body refuses to make an effort to reclaim my former self. And I admit, quite frankly, that I’m not sure I even care enough about anything to make the effort. What’s the use, since it seems like everything I love sooner or later gets taken away from me.

Looking back in time.
When we grieve we spend most of our time, at least at first, looking back. It seems safer that way. That’s where our missing loved ones are. If we were to look forward, that would mean we would have to imagine our lives without those we have lost. And that’s what we aren’t ready to accept--not yet. So we spend a lot of time thinking how we should have been able to prevent their dying, or wondering if we used our time with them well, as we remember the good times, bad times, silly and sad times. We think we have to keep those memories in front of us, or surely we will forget those whom we have lost.

I find these are places where I'm spending alot of that linear time lately (especially the italisized sections), with no will or inner means to shift out from there. And I find I'm feeling guilty about being stuck in these phases, not because of what others might think, but because it also feels like my time on earth is rapidly running out (in many ways, a most welcome thought!!) and I'm nowhere near where I'd prefer to end up before I, too, die. The only thing that even propels me to keep 'reaching for the stars' if you will, is that if I'm not more 'evolved' by the time my own time comes to leave, maybe I WON'T be able to be on the same plane as my kidlets, and I'll be doomed to stay stuck in the quagmire I now find myself in! I'd rather be totally and completely w/o any consciousness than have that happen! Anyone else feel this way, too?

[Precious' mom]

The bad thing is that time is always moving forward; it cannot go backwards and it cannot stand still. Don't you feel like a hamster in a wheel, constantly going forward, trying to get somewhere but you can't?
Grief can make time drag at a snail's pace. Days and nights seem endless and hard to endure. Sometimes the mind goes backward to a bad moment in time, a moment best left forgotten, but then the tape loop begins and the bad moment is relived yet again. And the grief begins anew.
So many of us have unconsciously (and consciously) experienced this after a major and devastating loss in our lives. It's the mind healing the body. The bad memories eventually leave and are replaced by new and better ones. Time marches on and for a reason: to help us understand what life and living is.
Things will get better in time.
Lisa

[vizsla-angel]

The only thing that even propels me to keep 'reaching for the stars' if you will, is that if I'm not more 'evolved' by the time my own time comes to leave, maybe I WON'T be able to be on the same plane as my kidlets, and I'll be doomed to stay stuck in the quagmire I now find myself in! I'd rather be totally and completely w/o any consciousness than have that happen! Anyone else feel this way, too?

ANYTHING that gets you through the day is okay in my book. I managed to take a shower the other day because I convinced myself that Copper wouldn't approve of me laying around stinking up the bed. I cooked turkey burgers for dinner so I could share them with my furry girl. I watched TV on the couch and cuddled two of my cats. I logged on to my computer to find some comfort. Anything is better than laying in bed sleeping all day or staring at the wall.

I miss my Copper so much that it feels like the world is ending. And I remember that it hurt this much when my other babies crossed over.
The dogs: Gunnar (7, cancer), Pebbles (15, deteriorating spinal cord), Patton (11 months, bowel obstuction - complications from surgeries), Toe-B (11, seizures), Cookie (1 1/2, hit by car), Samatha (13, old age), and Fido (17, old age). I got Fido when I 2 years old - the first and worst grief of all.
And my beautiful feline babies: Nina (13), Magic (14), Moon Cat (stolen), Gizmo (5), Amanda (?), Starlett (10), Rowdy (12), Buddy Boy (?), and Morris (7).

I've got 6 furbabies still with me plus my scaley guy (Monty the Python). The thought of losing any of them terrifies me -- especially right now. Buckwheat the Cat is 16 1/2. That's much older than any other cat I've had. That's older than my oldest human child! Part of me wants to just shut down and not love any of them so I don't get hurt. But this old man is set in his ways and just won't allow for it.

I remember every one of them -- how much I loved them, their silly little quirks their barks, howls, meows and purrs. I just wish I could remember how long it took to feel better when they were gone. Sure they say time heals all wounds. Well I say, "Could you please give me the exact date and time because this sucks!!"

PS: As far as higher planes go, maybe just maybe our babies have the kind of unconditional love that's so strong that they'd leave theirs for ours. Kind of like the "Dogs in Heaven" story I posted in reverse.

[BooBoo's Mom]

I can't wait until I leave this earth and join God and my dogs. I don't like this world very much. I don't like the way people are nowadays and the way the emphasis in life is mostly on just money and material things. I find that time is speeding along very fast. Even when I was in the worst of my grief, it still went really fast. I just tried to plug along in my daily work and chores, one day at a time, and tried to sleep a lot and that helped.

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Many mediums say that, from what they've been told by those who cross over, even if we're on a certain 'level' when we cross, anyone and everyone can still visit other levels (as fast as thought, which 'rules' in these other planes) whenever they want. So that seems to tie in to your idea, V-angel:

...maybe our babies have the kind of unconditional love that's so strong that they'd leave theirs for ours.

It's a comforting thought and I think I'll keep it! It would be just like them, wouldn't it?

Most of the time, I DO feel like you do, BooBoo's Mom. I don't care for the state of this world much, either and often feel like I'm doing nothing more than just biding my time, waiting for when I can leave and join my kids. I'm so tired of striving and just want to rest...but not like I do when I physically sleep cuz that's when I have too many disturbing dreams, so don't really get that much real rest. But since I also believe in reincarnation, and can't be certain that I wouldn't feel so 'rejuvinated' by returning to spirit that I'd get some dang, foolish notion into my head about coming back here to try it once again (!), I worry about that, too! I also worry that my kidlets might reincarnate....to someone else, and might not be there when it's my time to go!

V-angel, I KNOW how long it took me to get far enough beyond the grief over Sabin that I was able to function, think and feel emotionally well enough again....about 5 years....and that was in large part because I had to fight to keep going because of Nissa being here. I couldn't wreck what was left of HER life! I've read of many mothers who lost human children taking even longer, and I can't even imagine that. Five yrs was long and gruelling enough for me. And I also know that one is never the same after any loss, so it's not like I 'returned' feeling like I was in better shape than I was before. Now, with no one left to care for right now....the future is looking so despairing and bleak I can hardly imagine 'recovering'. Even IF I end up taking other souls into my life, right now, I don't have anyone here to spur me onto greater effort, so it's really tough. You've loved and lost so MANY yourself! I don't know how you've stood it, just like others here have done the same. Maybe I'm just a weaker person, but if so, that's what I have to work with, regardless. I always admire all those who can 'do' this so many times and yet still carry on. You all have my utmost respect.

[vizsla-angel]

Beautiful Mom of the Furkidlets

You've loved and lost so MANY yourself! I don't know how you've stood it, just like others here have done the same. Maybe I'm just a weaker person, but if so, that's what I have to work with, regardless. I always admire all those who can 'do' this so many times and yet still carry on. You all have my utmost respect.

I can tell from your posts what a kind and sensitive soul you are. Right now the thought of setting yourself up for this kind of pain again may seem unbearable. But for me, I know that someday this pain will pass. It's not going to hurt forever. I will always love and miss all my animal babies. My dad crossed over 3 years ago and I really miss him, but it doesn't HURT anymore either. Someone told me after he died that it's okay to let yourself be okay. The measure of love isn't how much or how long you grieve and someday there will come a time when the pain starts to lessen. My husband was just telling me the other day that he's starting to feel better, but is feeling guilty about feeling better.

I know I'll always have cats and dogs living with me. There's just so many unwanteds out there. My Buckwheat was left my parents' back yard at 6 weeks old when their neighbors decided they didn't want a kitten. Spooky (and her sister Magic who's crossed) wers taken to the vet to be put down when they were 4 because their owner decided she "had too many cats" -- the vet called me instead. And my other 3 kitties brothers & sister from a litter I fostered for a cat rescues after they were born in a vacant apartment in my complex. Every cat I've ever had has come from similar cir%%stances.

So what I "do" is this: Once it stops hurting so bad, I find someone who needs me and invite them to move in. Usually with cats, they find me! It's my way of honoring the cats who have gone before. The home and the love still exist on this plane and there is someone here who really needs it. Once gun dog training starts in a few months, there will be vizslas showing up with no pointing instict or who are gun shy. Vizsla rescue already has me at the top of their list. Not because I want to replace Copper, but because I want to honor him. Copper was a gun shy hunting dog. He was MY gun shy hunting dog. I kept him anyways. A lot of people don't.

I pray for you that someday you will find the peace and strenght to love another fukidlet.

[Furkidlets' Mom]

While I really can't visualize myself being w/o cats forevermore, I've thought for a long time (even when Nissa was still here) about the possibility of running some kind of business to help cats, where I'd get to be around them and interact with them, AND most importantly help them...but they wouldn't be mine....and maybe not even limit it to cats, but all others, too. But I guess I'll just have to feel this out as time goes on (and hopefully the pain becomes more bearable) and see how I feel about it later on. It might just be a stepping-stone to finally adopting again...I just don't know yet.

The only thing I DO know is that right now, even though I think I'd already be able to love another (even if not as much, by any means), the thought of the worries over BEST care, BEST nutrition, BEST vets, and all that....stuff I know I wouldn't want to ever compromise on.....makes me immediately break out in a cold sweat! After all the caregiving I did for Nissa for all of those years after we lost Sabin, I just....can't.....go....there. It's FAR too painful.....and worrisome! And then I think of the possibly month-long vacations me and my H want to at least entertain the notion of taking, for the first time in all of our years together....I just can't even imagine leaving a loved furbaby w/o us for that long! (and not that I know anyone who takes care of them even close to how I do, either)

So these are other reasons why the future looks so bleak to me. I'm wanting my cake, and to eat it, too, and know that's not realistic at all. It feels like the opposite of that other saying: Can't live without 'em; can't live with 'em! So I know I have to give myself some breathing, and grieving room. As the grief experts say ~ try not to make any big decisions in the first 6 months to one year after a major loss. From experience with loss, I believe this is sage advice. But that also means I have at least that long to live with such yearning and longing for living, breathing FUR-beings to love....so I'm hoping that stray-that-might-not-be-a-stray cat DOES have real home and has just chosen to be a part-time friend to me and will help hold the feeling of insanity at bay long enough for me to 'get a grip' someday, and decide what to do. I've never known SUCH utter loneliness as I'm going through right now...and time seems to stretch into infinity w/o relief in sight.

[myhrtisbrkn]

Some time ago,I read in the classifieds a tragic ad from a little old gentleman who felt he had to give away his beloved Buster, a mixed-breed hound of some kind, because he felt unable to give him the care he needed. I cried for three days, then I got the idea to call the owner and tell him that I was not in a position to adopt his dog,but since I am self-employed, my schedule is flexible enough that I could come by and walk his dog, take him to the vet, clean up the yard, shop for dog food, etc. I was too late to keep the old man and his dog together. But, I'm happy to report he found a good home with the grandchildren.
This experience, and watching my 90 year old mother struggle to care for her 22 year old cat, made me wonder what it would take to start an organization, like Meals on Wheels, to help the elderly and the disabled keep their pets at home.
Subsequent events in my life, Sadie went down, Mother fell, Mack died, Mother spent Christmas in the hospital, have kept me from exploring this any further, but I still think it could be done, perhaps by someone with better networking skills than I have. Maybe the bereaved Mom of the beautiful furkidlets.

[Furkidlets' Mom]

WOW....that's a really wonderful and loving idea for a service industry...and would do double-duty to raise awareness of the human-animal bond and the vital roles animals play in people's lives! I'll add it to the list of possibles for the future! Thank you for that!!

And if anyone else has any ideas....keep 'em rolling in! This might end up helping more than just me!

[Precious' mom]

This experience, and watching my 90 year old mother struggle to care for her 22 year old cat, made me wonder what it would take to start an organization, like Meals on Wheels, to help the elderly and the disabled keep their pets at home.

We have that program already where I live! There's a Meals on Wheels for elderly people AND their pets. All are well taken care of by very kind volunteers. One of my friends does this every weekend and she has told me that so many elderly people who live alone with pets for company are moved to tears by the kindness and concern of the volunteers. Many take these people's pets to the vet when the owners cannot, which is such a miraculous thing. Some of these people's pets are all they have and they are like surrogate children.
God bless the volunteers for all of their selfless giving!!
Lisa G.

[myhrtisbrkn]

It does my heart good to here that. I'd like to know how that effort was organized. there is a crying need for that all over.
I think I love your beautiul, humane, responsible town. I wish the furkidlet's Mom could move there and get away from those two-legged toxic-waste dumps she is exposed to.