Looking For Help In Dealing With Loss, Dog passed away yesterday Options

[SADIESMOM]

I lost a dear friend yesterday morning. My dog Sadie passed away after a very brief sickness. She was a 10 year old lab/beagle mix. ( She looked more like a plump black lab). Sadie really didn't realize that she was a dog. She did everything that the kids did. I also have three children, ages 9, 7, and 15 months. The two older kids are so upset also, Sadie has been a constant in their lives since birth. It's so hard for me to help them get through it when I, myself feel like just curling up and crying. I always knew that I would have a hard time when she finally left us, but was nowhere near prepared ( not that we ever could be). When you've had an animal for so long, it takes a lot of getting used to not to see her come around the corner, or hearing her nails click on the linoleum at the bottom of the steps after hearing us open the refrigerator door. We decided to have her cremated, because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving her behind when we move eventually. I also made an album of all of her pictures, ( I swear we have as many of her as we do the children). I feel like she was my first born child. ( We got her right before I got pregnant with my oldest son). When I got divorced from my first husband, she stayed with him for about 10 months, at which time his new wife made him take her to the pound after she supposedly snapped at her son over a piece of pizza. Sadie never had a vicious bone in her body. But....if you tried to take her food, yes, she'd snap. I don't know of many dogs that wouldn't. Long story short, we rescued her from the pound ( they were going to put her down the next day.) I'm so glad to have been able to spend all of this time with her. I don't feel like I'll ever get over the loss. I have truly lost my best friend.

Nicole

[gingerspal]

Oh Nicole--I am so sorry!! 10 years just doesn't seem near long enough does it??
By the way you seem to have stumbled into the room with the least traffic on this website--not sure why that is --but if you post in the "death and dying" forum you will no doubt get more response and advise. death and dying forum
I am so sorry that you feel kind of alone and lonely with your grief. I bet it is hard being the "strong one" for the sake of your little ones. Your Sadie was probably alot like another kid to you. How can you disquise those strong feelings? I am no expert but maybe it would be alright to have a big communal cry over your Sadie. I read an article recently that stated rituals are indeed very helpful for people --so maybe you should have a wee ceremony together with your children to say goodbye more officially to your loyal buddy. Maybe it would be alright for your children to see how sad you really are. Do you fear that it would scare them? Shoot, I would think it would be helpful to them if you told them that "big people get very sad too"--(but like I said what do I know?? lol---I do not have children of my own ..what the heck am I trying to do advising you?) Still, it does seem to me that I read somewhere that when the family pet dies it is a perfectly wonderful opportunity to teach children about the impermanence of all life. I bet if you took this on a little like a lesson for your children you might even learn something in the end yourself.

One other thing, I know what it is like to sort of carry this lonely sadness alone--- my cat was crabby with everyone (except for me) so no one misses him much except for me. . I love that you made an album--that is just what I am going to do...and I bought a nice "suncatcher" for my back yard where my beautiful guy hung out. At first I got so sad looking at it and every day since it has become more and more a happy sight. I love that you saved your dog from that evil 2nd wife and the grim reaper at the pound!! bless you for that!! I know it is way too soon to bring it up but maybe one day you will have another wonderful friend and when you look into their eyes you will see your sophie in them looking back.
So sorry you have lost Sadie....but she is not "lost" as long as you remember her, which I am betting will be for as long as your heart beats.
{{{{{{{{HUGS))}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[LS Support]

post moved to Death & Dying Forum for better readership

[jan]

(((Sadiesmom))),

I am so sorry for your loss. Please believe me when I say I know exactly what you're going through. We all do here.

You are not alone in your grief. We grieve with you. Please try to hold on to the fact that Sadie was loved. She did not endure this life with no love. And, she didn't die alone.

Those are the only 2 thoughts that keep helping me and I hope they help you too.

It's been 1 month and 2 days since we had to put our beloved lab, Phoenix, to sleep. She too was 10 years old. She died because of an untreatable illness that came out of nowhere. She was wonderful on Sunday and dead on Friday. I'm still reeling.

You and your family are in my prayers. I know it hurts so awful. All we can do is take every day as it comes.

Love,

Jan

[LittleGirl's...]

Nicole,
I'm so sorry about the loss of Sadie!! I know how heart-breaking this must be for you and your family.

I like how you referred to her as your "first-born child". You are a special Mom---to Sadie as well as to your human kids.

Tears came to my eyes as I read your post---about your ex, about how you rescued sweet Sadie from death.... ! You have given her a life that she never would have had a chance to experience. And you showed your human kids a very special example of love (they say that kids who witness love for animals while growing up go on to become among the most compassionate adults). And know that it's okay for them to see some of your grief---that you miss her SO much. Yes, you are the adult and are there to comfort them, but it's good for them to see that you are human too. Adults are capable of sadness as well as joy.

Write any time---about your pain, about memories, etc. etc. We're all in this together.

Sadie is in bliss---no pain, no sadness. I believe that in the realm she's in, it will seem like no time has passed before you will be joining her (even though that will be a long long time from now). Meanwhile she would want you to be ok.

Keep in touch. Love,

Kathy

[beth4275]

Nicole,

I am deeply sorry for your loss ... everyone here knows exactly how you feel. I wish I had magic words that would somehow make this all easier for you and everyone else here but unfortunately I am not that poetic. The only advice I have is to take it one day at a time and know that as each day passes the hurt lessons just a tiny bit. Your Sadie is at the bridge young and healthy again waiting to be reunited with you. Know that she is in very good company with my Snoops and everyone else's precious bundles of fur that have gone on to the bridge.

I do not have any children of my own so I can't really offer much help on how to help your children. I do think it is important for them to know that you are sad too and that it is perfectly Ok to cry and miss Sadie. I remember as child when my dog died that my parents never seemed really upset and I thought something was wrong with me because I was so upset. I know now that they didn't want us to see them upset because they thought that would just upset us more. This is though just my opinion. There is an article at the top called Grief Management in Children which might be helpful to you.

Again, I am very sorry that you had to lose Sadie ... 10 years really is not nearly long enough but then again I don't think that 100 years would be long enough either. Sadie had a good life with you ... hold on to that thought. Also, when the grief is really bad try and think of the funny things Sadie did to make you laugh. This will help you to smile through the tears ... a good friend gave me this advice when I lost my Snoops and it does work (it is really hard at first but over time it does start to work). It is important to remember the happy times and not just the last few days ...

Hugs to all,
Beth

[Tracey]

Nicole,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I had to put my dog, Megan, down Jan. 8/04. My kids were not quite 3 & 5. I know exactly what you are going through, both as a dog lover and as a mom. I had Megan before I had my kids, so like your kids, she was a constant in their lives. It has been so hard dealing with the kids. Even now they ask questions and cry for Megan. When we first lost her I bought each girl a stuffed dog that they named Megan. I told them that when they were sad to hug their dogs and Megan would feel their hugs in doggie heaven. I had tried other things but this seems to have worked the best.

At first i wanted "to be strong" for the kids, but I just could not. Someone on this site told me that I would not hide happiness from them so why would I hide my grief? And this made sense to me. They knew that I was sad and saw my tears but I did not let them see me at my worse.

It's been a long journey and not one that I would wish on anybody. But it will get better, I know it's hard to believe but it's true. The kids will also bounce back although don't be surprised when a few months down the road they ask about Sadie. My youngest was crying in her sleep not long ago, just sobbing "I miss Maggie" it was enough to break your heart.

Take care of yourself, your little ones will need you through this.
Tracey

[Muffins]

Hi Nicole:

I am very sad, and I grieve with you about your beloved Sadie...... Really

I had worked in the pediatric field for 5 years, and it is absolutely fine and normal that your children know how you feel...
No question there.... They need to know that if their little eyes start tearing, and crying, that "it's okay to be sad -- because mommy is too"......

Ten years is a very, very long time; but, it's also, 'NEVER LONG ENOUGH!!!!'.

I just read your post, not even 10 minutes after Ben & I finished a couple of slices of pizza............ Hmmm.... that ex-wife!
You saved your beautiful Sadie, before that awful day; and I am very happy and grateful that you did that....(of course you would).............. Of course our furbabies "would snap, scratch, whatever, if their food was taken away!!!" Normal reaction!! Sadie was first, YOUR FURBABY!!!!

Your beloved Sadie is at such peace now...............no more illness, pain, sickness.............. as Kathy always says, and comforts me, "your Sadie is experiencing only pure bliss right now"......

I know what you mean about "not hearing your Sadie's nails clicking on the floor............"...

All of the sounds that we don't give a second thought too, they become "sounds of silence", after your baby is gone!

You have come to the right site, Nicole........... There are sooooooooooooooooo many wonderful and caring people here...................... I, for one, would not have "made it", if not for all of these wonderful people.....
We're all sorry "that you had to find us at all", but if you had to find a pet grief site AT ALL, this surely is the one to be at!

Ben & I, we don't have "any human children", but I do remember being their age and losing a "family member (pet)", whether to illness, or being hit by a car, or being put to sleep....
No matter what your age, it is awfully hard................. I am very sorry that your children have to feel this loss!

Sometimes, having your older kids sit down with huge pieces of paper, and let them drawer "their feelings out".... ""Their Sadie"", how they remember her....... I know that at times, that's something that is helpful for them.... Also, it's good for them to talk about their beloved doggy, and for you to share your feelings of loss with your children..........

I have always found that pen, paper, crayon (whatever), is so helpful in helping to "sort out feelings", "figure out feelings"...... Just writing/drawing is so helpful in healing your soul....


I can certainly see where she feels like your first born child............ She was "your first baby"..... Even though we are childless, I do understand that very, very much.....
And, I know that you miss her very, very much.....

Ten years is not enough.................no time is ever enough........... I am sorry...

I know someday, you, and your 3 little children, will feel "okay"................but, not right now.............. It does take awhile; it hurts, and it hurts.....Some days are much better than others..... But, the tears, they helped me to heal.

Coming to LS, and reading everyone's posts, I'd just "be in their shoes", and cry what felt like all day...... But, crying over their stories, helped me 'IN MY HEALING'.... I couldn't be more grateful to the people that have come to this site before me, around 2/7/2004; when I was here after our Ernestine, and everyone that is here now with their "newer stories".........

It's a journey, and it's a huge process.... I am so very grateful to be a part of this site, like I know that so many other wonderful people are!!!!!!!
Like hell, sometimes; more than "sometimes"......... In the very early days after Ernestine was put to sleep, I'd walk into the apartment "looking for her".....absolutely forgetting......And, then I'd remember.....

I surprised myself one day, I was actually laughing with pure joy (through my tears); remembering all of the good & wonderful & precious times.......
And, I thank God that my girl "chose me" way back in 1984....... She definitely was worth "more than gold to me", and her price tag, "was $10.00", just for her first shots..

I'll never forget her, but, after awhile, life does go on..... Never, ever, ever did we think we'd get any more kitties......
NO WAY, NO HOW!!!!!..........
Buy, after she had been at Rainbow's Bridge for four weeks, Ben & I went to a shelter, and picked out two kitties (ages 6 & 7), that desperately needed a home, they had been abused, and now, they are showered with love daily (as are we.....
the love that we feel from them, is INCREDIBLE.......)

Life changes, and it goes on.............. I was surprised.........

God Bless you and your 3 little ones..................

Please, write as often as you want...... We are all here for you!!!! Always, we care!!!

Love, Denise

[anln]

Dear Sadie's Mom,
I am so sorry to hear about your girl's death. What an amazing story of your life togther. You were blessed to have her in your life. I hope you find comfort in writing about her and how you are doing here on this site.
As I read your post I drew so many similarities between your situation and my own. We lost our black lab Jordan (JJ) on May 17th who was also ten years old and our "first child" as well. He was a part of every aspect of our lives. My daughter is 21months old and I agree, it is difficult to grieve how and when you want to when you have a little one to care for. So many times I've needed to just cry and look at JJ's pictures for a few minutes but had to change a diaper or whatever instead. I will tell you that the first few days after JJ died were excrusciating for me. I miss him so much and still have waves of pure sadness but it has gotten better. .Being home without Jordan made me feel so empty...everywhere I looked I yearned to see him or hear him. He was never more than a few feet away from me at all times! We had Jordan cremated and just this weekend we spread some of his ashes at one of his favorite swimming spots. We are keeping some of them here in the house.
We cried often at first in front of our daughter. She would say, "Mommy and Daddy sad. JJ gone to see God." Now if she sees me crying she will say, "Mommy missing JJ."
Well, I hope you now know that you are not alone and there are many caring people here waiting to talk. Try to take care and find some time for yourself.
From one black lab mommy to another...
Jordan's Mom

[SADIESMOM]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. They have really helped in getting through this difficult time. I always knew I would take it hard when we lost her, but this is soooo hard. I guess I came across wrong in my first message. I do cry in front of the kids, I did from the very moment we lost Sadie. I agree that they should know how I'm feeling. When I tuck them into bed at night, we cry together...............
I'm feeling a little guilty though. Yesterday I decided that the kids (and my husband and I ) really need another dog. They've never not had a dog and they really miss Sadie, so we went to the shelter and adopted a beautiful hound mix. He is 11 months old, and really sweet. ( Don't get me wrong -- I think it was a wonderful decision, and am very happy to have rescued him), I just feel like I'm letting Sadie down somehow. Shiloh is definitely NOT a replacment for Sadie -- no one could ever replace her. I just think we all needed to fill the void. I still grieve for her every minute, and always will.
Writing about it really does help though. This website is absolutely wonderful. I'm so glad I came across it. I'm sure I'll be writing again soon.

Nicole

[Muffins]

Hi Nicole:

You & your family did a very wonderful thing in adopting your "new family member", Shiloh!!

There is no right or wrong when it comes to "how long you MUST wait before you get another furbaby".....

I bet that your beloved Sadie "led you to this wonderful new addition"...... I really do believe that!!!

After our Ernestine was put to sleep, I swore up & down, "NO MORE, NO MORE - I don't want to go through loving another kitty, only to lose them one day"..
But, one month after our Ernie went to Rainbow's Bridge, we did go to a shelter, and we came home with two new
furbabies................

(their photos are on one of my posts titled "I need help again.....my friends..." page 5).

The SILENCE IN THIS HOUSE WAS ABSOLUTELY DEAFENING............ I couldn't stand it....
Lucy and Yo-Yo are in no way a replacement for our girl, Ernie............. She occupies a big huge space in our hearts!
She ALWAYS WILL!!!! I had her from ages 23 - 43..... She was my "best girlfriend".... Ben became her dad 3&1/2 yrs. ago.

Our hearts have the capacity to stretch and grow, and love our two new "kids" just the same....

In my opinion, and also the opinion of other's on this site, "there's no better tribute to your Sadie, than opening your hearts & home to another furdog who desperately needed a place to live".... (The wonderful people on this site said "something similar" to me, after we were "thinking" of adopting two kitties just 3 weeks after Ernie had been put to sleep).

I WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING.......... THESE NEW FURBABIES BELONG WITH US!!!!

You did a wonderful thing Nicole.... And, I am very, very happy for all of you!!!! (I know that Shiloh is soooooooo happy to have a home)

God Bless you all!!!!

Love, Denise

[MLGasco]

Nicole, I am so sorry for your loss! I recently lost my best friend of almost 17 years, a lovely silver-gray cat named Casey. I so understand the hole that you feel in your heart. It's so hard to realize that such a small being can leave such a huge void. Remember that you gave as much to Sadie as she gave to you....and that she keeps on giving to you and your children in the memories of her that you all share. I LOVE the fact that you put together a photo album of her - every picture you looked at must have reminded you of fun moments you had together. I know that she was a precious gift to you, as you were to her. A few days after Casey died, a couple of friends and I got together, put several boxes of kleenex in the room, and shared our stories of her. We laughed, cried and each of us had the chance to share not only in her loss, but also in the joy that she brought to each of us - in very different ways. It was hard, but there was some healing, too. Just knowing that other people loved her and grieved for her was comforting to me. I know that you want to be strong for your children and help them through this sad time. Maybe sitting down with the two older children and looking at the album and remembering all the fun you had would help them and allow you to share your grief....as well as your laughter as you remember the good times with her.

I'm so glad that you have a new family member to love (and spoil, as we all do!) Next week, I will welcome two new kittens into my home and, now that I've dealt with the guilt I felt over bringing new babies in "too soon", I am looking forward to coming home to find someone (ok - 2 someones!) waiting for me. I, too, believe that Casey led me to these little girls - when I got the call that they were available and was quoted the price, it matched the balance left in her "medical expense" account. I'm willing to bet that Sadie had her paw in this, alright! She knew where to send a new baby who needed a warm, welcoming home with tons of love! I will keep you and your whole family in my thoughts and prayers. Michele


I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you find comfort. Michele

[Saki & Freyj...]

Nicole,

I am so sorry for your loss, but congratulations on your adoption of Shiloh. You have done a wonderful thing in opening your home and heart to another furbaby who needs it....

When people feel badly about adopting new furbabies, I often think of my husband's grandmother. She lost her husband when she was relatively young and never dated or married again. When she was older, her dog died, and her cat, and she never got new ones. Now, she is old and very alone (and somewhat bitter, if truth be known). All of us can see that her life would be so enriched, that she would be so much happier if she had an animal companion to love and to love her back unconditionally. But she won't...

I think that when someone adopts a new pet, after a loss so severe you really do believe you may die of a broken heart... could there be a better, more loving tribute to your lost one???? I mean, really, what you are saying is "I love you so much, you enriched my life so much, that NO amount of pain could diminish your glory... I'll do it all over again...." You know??? On the other hand, by refusing to open your heart again, you are saying the opposite: that the joy your pet gave you was LESS than the pain of losing him/her. Think how sad the pet would be to know this!!!! If the pet could look down from the bridge and see you closing off your heart because of the loss -- THAT would be the real insult to the memory of the pet. OF COURSE Shiloh CANNOT replace Sadie -- no one could ever ever ever replace Sadie. She was a unique individual. But by taking in Shiloh, you are saying that Sadie brought you more joy in her life than she did pain with her passing... that is an amazing tribute...

Love and hugs,
Jennifer