My Sweet Baby Died 2 Days Ago, Schtoobing was my best friend! Options

[Schtoobing'sMom]

Hello. I just found his site yesterday, and am really amazed by the compassion I see here from other pet parents. I'm here because I'm really hurting. I need support and comfort, and I hope I can comfort others as well.

I lost my best friend on Monday, November 13th. Schtoobing was 17 years old. He came into my life when he was a tiny puff of fur...

I had graduated from college right before Christmas, 1989, and had just moved back home to look for a job. I walked in the door of my parents' house, and there was this adorable little grey and white kitten on the floor. He had big green eyes and a black freckle on his little pink nose. Right away, I picked him up and cuddled him. My mother said- don't get attached- we're keeping him for my friend. The kitten is a Christmas present for her 3 boys, and she'll be here to pick up the kitten on Christmas morning. I said, "Awww- he's such a cute little Schtoobing. I think we should keep him." Mom said, "He's not ours, though.". I'm not sure exactly where the name 'Schtoobing' came from- it's kind of a made up word, but also happens to be the name of the captain from Love Boat. It's not spelled the same though. But I digress.

Over the next few days, I played with the little guy and started calling him Schtoobing. He was a real cuddler, and loved to snuggle up and sleep on anyone who would let him. Meanwhile, I was still trying to talk my mom into keeping him. "Mom, he's so little. Those 3 boys are too rough. They need a dog or something." But my mom kept saying, 'We promised we'd babysit, that's all.'

Christmas morning arrived, and I was depressed, knowing that my mom's friend was coming to pick Schtoobing up. He was snuggled in my lap as we got ready to open presents. My parents exchanged looks and handed me a wrapped box. Everyone stopped to watch as I opened it, so I knew it was going to be a good present. Inside the box were several cat toys and a note that said, "The owner of these toys already belongs to you! Merry Christmas!" Schtoobing was mine! The whole story about the friend and the three boys had been made up, so my family could surprise me with this sweet little baby.

From then on, it was him and me. In February, we moved to the arctic coast of Alaska. We lived in an airplane hangar, and then a log cabin on the tundra for 10 years. He was with me through bad jobs, breakups and the loss of my dad. Five years ago, we moved to North Carolina to be closer to the rest of the family. Schtoob has been my confidante and my inspiration. He gave me much more than I can even explain, but I know those of you reading this understand what I mean.

Over the last few years, I had been taking Schtoobing to the vet every 6 months. The vet wanted to keep an eye on his toxin levels for CRF, as they had begun to creep up a little. I put him on the KD food and made sure he always had all the water he wanted. (He loved to drink from the bathtub faucet, and I would go turn it on for him whenever he wanted.) In July, his levels were still ok, but starting to creep a little higher. He was losing a little weight, but not much. The vet said he was a very healthy 16 year old cat. About 6 weeks ago, I noticed that Schtoobing wasn't cleaning his food bowl, like he usually did. I had been giving him supplements in his dry food, and he also got Iams pouches, which he loved. I tried some different canned foods, like Purina One and Hills Science diet, and he seemed ok with those.

One evening, my mom stopped by and said that Schtoobing was looking a little puny, like he was losing weight. I had noticed that too, but thought it was because of the change in food. Schtoob's next vet appointment was for November 18th, but I called and asked if we could come earlier.

I took Schtoobing in and the vet confirmed that his toxin levels were now indicating renal disease. When the kidneys shut down, cats get uremic and won't eat. They start using the fat and muscle stores on their body, and lose weight. The vet prescribed stanozolol, which is a steroid to help what kidney function is left, and to stimulate the appet*ite. He also gave us feline ReBound, which is like pediasure for cats. At this point, Schtoobing was only licking the juice from his wet food, and would take a little ReBound. He continued to lose weight.

I took him back to the vet 2 days later, and they said his levels were even higher. They put him on fluids all day, and told me to bring him back the next day for more fluids. The fluids therapy seemed to help- Schtoob was feeling a little better, and I got him to take more ReBound by syringe. I had been writing down everything he took- believe me, every cc was a little victory. The vet told me to come back again, so they could show me how to administer the subcutaneous fluids therapy at home. Twice a day, 75 ml in each side. They sent us home with an IV bag of lactated ringers, needles and potassium gel. The first time I put the needle in Schtoobing, I was so nervous. I didn't want to mess up and hurt him, but I knew the fluids would help him flush those toxins out and feel better. He was such a good patient. He never got upset, and even forgave me when I accidentally pushed the needle through the other side of his skin, instead of underneath it.

Last week, we went back to the vet. The fluids therapy was working! His toxin levels were down- around the same level as they were a year ago. But he still wasn't eating. THe vet said he was slightly anemic, and that could be affecting his appet*ite. So he prescribed Procrit, 3 times a week. Schtoobing was now able to eat some canned food, mixed with tuna water. He seemed to enjoy that. But he would only eat when I brought the bowl over and put a little food on his mouth so he could taste it. He had had a couple episodes with nausea that were very scary. He would retch, like he was going to throw up, then fall over on his side with his legs sticking straight out. I would pick him back up, so he could vomit, but hardly anything came out because he was eating so little. He was so weak. Still, I thought he was making a little progress.

On Friday, I took Schtoob back to the vet again, and asked if there was something we could give him for his stomach, for the nausea. If we could get the nausea under control, he would feel like eating again. The vet called me with bad news. Since Schtoob had lost so much weight, they were now able to feel a mass in his upper abdomen. A firm, irregular mass, about the size of a hen's egg. "Probably lymphatic cancer." I was devastated. I knew the prognosis for the CRF was not good- but we might be able to manage a few more months of quality life for my baby. But now this. Cancer. Well, no wonder Schtoobing couldn't eat! I figure a tumor that size in a cat would be relative to the size of a bowling ball in a human. How long had the tumor been there? Why didn't I notice it? I gave Schtoobing belly rubs every night before we went to sleep, and I didn't feel it. The vet said it was up inside the ribcage, and that you had to really feel around to find it. He sent us home with a prescription for Reglan for Schtoob's stomach.

We got home and as soon as Schtoob got out of his carrier, he seemed like a different cat. He was sooo weak, and couldn't find a comfortable position to lay in. He would go from side to side, then back to the middle again. His breathing was labored. He would try to sit with me in the chair, but wasn't comfortable there either. I continued to give the fliuds and as much ReBound as I could get him to take. I would find him lying him the bathtub, but he wouldn't drink. He curled up in the bathroom sink for a while, and then I found him lying in the litter box. He had never done that before. Still, I told myself that maybe he was just having a bad day, and all that poking and prodding at the vet's was to blame.

On Sunday, Schtoobing was not better at all. He still wanted to be near me, and would look up at me and purr. I tried to get him to eat, but he wasn't interested in the tuna water thing either. Just a few licks and that was it. I tried syringe feeding, and he took it, but then he was all out of breath. He did get comfortable enough to sleep a few times and I kept praying for God to give me a sign. Please tell me how to help Schtoobing. Is this the end? Should I have him euthanized today? Since it was Sunday, the vet's office was closed. There is an emergency animal hospital, but I didn't want to stress my baby more by taking him out again. Plus, those people didn't know Schtoobing or his history.

So that night, I carefully lifted Schtoobing out of the chair he was sleeping in. He was so bony and fragile. I put him in bed next to me, and tucked the down comforter around him. He looked at me and purred, his eyes were full of love for me. I gently stroked his head and scratched his ears and under his chin. I told him everything was going to be ok, and that his momma loves him so much. I told him that his grandpa would take good care of him until I see him again. He seemed very content, and we fell asleep.

The next morning, Schtoobing was under the bed. I dreaded looking under there, but he was ok. We had a vet appointment, so I showered and got ready to go. Schtoobing came out and laid down next to the tub. He didn't have the energy to jump in for a drink. I petted him and talked to him, like I usually did, and he meowed back- soft little meows. I carefully picked him up and put him in his carrier for the drive to the vet's. He peered out at me as I drove, and I explained that we were going to see if the vet can help his tummy feel better. When we got to the vet's, I told the techs about Schtoobing's rough weekend, and how I was hoping the vet could suggest something. Then I put my hand inside the carrier and caressed Schtoobing's ears. I said, 'Ok- I'll see ya later, Snuggsey' (I had lots of nicknames for him!)

About an hour later, the vet called and said that Schtoobing had passed away. They had just taken blood and were waiting for the results, when one of the techs said, he's not breathing right. Schtoobing was in the cage, and the tech saw him raise up quickly, like he was trying to catch his breath. Then he collapsed on his side and died. The vet said it was probably heart failure, due to the tumor pressing on his organs, and his being so very weak.

It's been 2 days now, and I've been through so much emotion and sadness, it feels like he's been gone forever. My heart and my house are empty now. I cry all the time- in the shower, in bed, in the car, in Target, at my desk. I lost my Dad 12 years ago, and this loss is right on a par with that. Maybe even worse, I don't know. I feel terrible that my Schtoobing died and I wasn't there. I had promised him that I would be there and that everything would be ok, and not to be scared. Now I wonder if he was scared, in a room full of strangers, not knowing what was happening to him and why his mom left him there to die. I am so absolutely shattered. I hear my baby in my house and I call out his name before I can catch myself. His name just echoes off the walls, and then there's nothing.

If you are still reading this, thank you. I appreciate it. If anyone has any advice or wants to share, I welcome it. Just please, don't tell me that the vet or I should have done something different- I'm already doing that to myself enough.

God Bless you guys-
Diane

[Moose Mom]

Oh Diane

I'm so sorry you lost your baby. your Schtoobing sounds wonderful and you two had a bond that is unlike any other in life. I'd love to see a pic of him.

You did everything you could, you can't ask more of yourself than that. Your vet sounds wonderful and was doing everything he could I'm so sorry you weren't there with him at the end, but you were loving him the very best you knew how. I understand how you feel, that you weren't there and you promised. I did that too. Promised my baby I'd always be with him no matter what and handed him over to strangers at the end. I did, and I'm sure you did it out of love, I get some comfort thinking he knew that. If I'd have know he was dying I'd have just held him till he passed, but how are we to know? Be gentle with yourself.

I lost my mom last year, and my Moose kitty on Oct 23rd. Loosing Moose hurts more, it's been harder. Sounds bad but it's true.

I'll be thinking of you
Love
Lori

[healthy90]

I am so sorry for your loss. Gosh, you went thru a lot with your sick kitty.
We all do the best we can to save our pets. You did your best and your Schtoobing knew it.

I hope your pain will subside as the days and weeks pass. I justed posted today also; lost my kitty MoonBeam yesterday.
janet

[Schtoobing'sMom]

Thank you, Lori and Janet, for your kind words. It's so comforting to find a place to share such personal pain among people who care.

Here's the picture of Schtoobing that I posted in the Memorials forum:



I have a really cute pic from when he was a little baby, I'll post it when I get it scanned!

[ryancat]

Diane,I feel so sorry for you.You have been thur hell and back.Right now you are in the throngs of grief and it's not abnormal the way you are feeling.I know where your coming from.My 16 year old kitty Sox had to be put to sleep alittle over a month ago.He had been diagnosed with feline diabetes about a month prior to passing away and we had not been able to get him regulated.I had tried giving him insulin shots,new diet,the whole deal.Nothing seemed to make him better.When he got sick on his last day and they told me it was kidney failure I was so upset.My husband and I took him together and my husband stayed in there with him.I was too upset to stay in the room but before I left I told him that I loved him and that I would never forget him.We miss him so much.My heart goes out to you tonight for you are in such great pain.I can read it in your post.You have lost a dear and beloved friend who was with you for so long.It's going to take some time for you to deal with this and it's okay to be sad.We here know how you feel and I hope we can help you thur this terrible time.Try to remember that he's no longer in pain,he is free from that ailing body.He's whole again...and he's waiting for you until it is your time to pass on.I know that doesn't help you feel any better because right now your just missing your boy.Thank you for sharing your story of him with us.It is such a beautiful story.Don't feel guilty that you weren't there with him when he passed away because he knew you loved him and you were there in spirit.It was just his time.He lived a good long life but he was a really sick boy.You did everything you possibly could have done for him and then some.Don't blame yourself for not doing more.You were his mommy and he loved you.You all were a team.I totally understand how your feeling about your house being lonely and empty without him.That's exactly how we felt when our boy passed.Now that's it's been over amonth I am starting to feel better and I try hard to remember all the good times we shared with him and I try not to focus too much on the day of his passing because it is just too painful to remember.I will put you in my prayers tonight and please come back here as often as you need to.We know what your going thur and it's incredibly painful.We're here to help.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom forever)

[Moose Mom]

Diane

Oh your Schtoobing was so handsome! Just makes me want to give him a good head scirtch.

Lori

[Simba's Daddy]

Sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you for sharing the story of you and Schtoobing. I bet the moment you realized that Schtoobing was your cat and you didn't have to give him up had to be a very great moment.

I too traveled and moved alot with my buddy, Simba. When I first got him I actually hid him under my jacket (thankfully he didn't meow!) and snuck him in my apartment that didn't allow pets. Of course the land lord seen him peeking out the windows so I was threatened with eviction but I was able to find a new apartment that allowed pets very quickly... he rode with me from Michigan to California and back, lived with me while I rented a room from an elder lady and a few other places. Wherever I went I made well sure that there was a place for my Simba right by me.

It's only normal to feel guilty. We all do, it's part of the grieving process. You did what you could for Schtoobing and he knows that.

It sounds like you two had a great time together. Remember those good times and keep Schtoobing in your heart. He loves you and knows you love him... and you two will meet again someday.

[magdalene]

All I can say is that I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you took such good care of him right to the end. I hope this forum will help you.

Magdalene

[5catsmom]

I'm so sorry for your loss also. Yours and Schtoobing's story together is just wonderful, I'm glad you had all those years together. The part where he started getting sick was almost a replay of when my old Heidi cat started with her CRF. We did the whole fluid route - I'm a nurse but my husband the clumsy one always did her fluids beautifully, I never could - and we tried everything, but the end is always the same. It sounds like you went above and beyond - he knew that, actually, he knows that, cause I believe they don't leave us, really. Roby's right, there's always something to feel guilty about, and to me, that's part of the grieving process. All the emotions you ever knew existed, and some you didn't, will come out in the next few days, months, even years. It's all part of what I call the path, and we who accept the love of these beautiful souls and then have to part with them - temporarily - all go down that path. But you have beautiful memories and a wonderful sense of your boy's personality, and that, I hope, will help you through this difficult time. Please come back and let us know how you're doing, and take care of yourself - Barbara

[Schtoobing'sMom]

It's been a week since I lost my Schtoobing. I miss him so much- he was such a warm presence in my life and in my house. I miss his greeting me when I walk through the door in the evening. I miss hearing him scoot his water bowl across the floor. I miss him jumping up on the bed next to me, so we can go to sleep at night. I miss the way he would chase the rainbows cast by the twirly prism thing in the window. I miss feeling his soft ears when I would reach over to pet him on the couch.

Sometimes I feel like I'm handling my grief ok, then I think, 'this is not ok- I don't care what everyone says- 17 years was not a long time- it wasn't long enough!' My family wants me to get out of the house, but I don't feel like doing anything. I'm too broke from vet bills to do any shopping, although Christmas is coming. It's so hard to come home to an empty house, I guess I feel like I won't have to feel that as much, if I don't leave the house to begin with.

Yesterday, I was vacuuming up cat litter all over the house. I felt a little guilty, like I was erasing some of Schtoobing's existence or something. I still cannot bear to vacuum under the bed. That was one of his favorite spots to sleep, so there's a lot of cat litter, and one of his little beds under there. There is also a ton of cat hair on the bed skirt, from when he would crawl underneath the bed.

I'm still waiting to pic up Schtoobing's ashes from the vet's. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about that. In a way, I really want the ashes, so I can have my baby home, in some small way.

Last night I made gift bags for the vet assistants and doctors who helped Schtoobing. In each gift bag, I put a candle, because he was the light of my life. And a pair of soft, fuzzy socks, because he was so soft and warm. And a home made star ornament, because Schtoobing is a new star in the sky. I made a paper tag with his picture on the front, and a thank-you poem on the back:

"Thank you for the love and gentle care you gave to my Schtoobing. He was my confidante, my inspiration and my best friend for 17 years. You all helped to make him comfortable in his last days, and I am so grateful for that."

[Forever Jake]

Diane,

I just read your story...and I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Schtoobing. Believe me, I know how you feel. I have Jake's bed, toys, and his dishes packed away. I couldn't bear to part with them. I didn't wash his bed because it has his fur on it. I have his picture right by my computer, as well as a wallpaper. I bought a candle to light for him on Wed. as it will be one year.

I have a question or two for you as far as your baby, if you don't mind....did he only want to eat certain things? There are only a few things that we can get Taz to eat, and some of the symptoms that he has right now mirror your Schtoobing's. He does have feline leukemia. Yesterday we noticed that Taz went to the bathroom outside his litter pan--which is unlike him. He doesn't go upstairs anymore unless he is carried (usually by me). He mostly stays by his food dish, or right by the heater in mom's kitchen. He sleeps alot. I guess I am wondering if his kidneys are starting to shut down as well as him having FeLV. I am going to be calling the vet as soon as I hear from mom.
Sandi

[Schtoobing'sMom]

Sandi, Schtoob had stopped eating solid foods. The vet had given us some feline ReBound, which is like pediasure for cats. I was syringe feeding him that, and he seemed to even like the taste. I have not seen the ReBound at pet stores, so you might check with your vet.

I also made 'tuna-water soup' for him. I got the strongest-smelling canned food- usually fancy feast or purina one, some kind of minced fish flavor. Then I would drain the water from a can of tuna- starkist has a low-sodium and a super low-sodium version. I mixed some tuna water with a spoonful of the canned food, and brought the bowl over to Schtoobing. I put the bowl real close to his nose, because he had lost some sense of smell. If he didn't start licking on his own, I would put a little bit on his lips. Once he tasted what it was, he would start to lick from the bowl. He seemed to like it.

The vet had also suggested that I mix gatorade or powerade with his drinking water, for the electrolytes and sugars. I was syringe-feeding a few cc's of that, in addition to the ReBound. Sometimes I also gave him filtered water. He was thirsty, always sloshing his water around, but wouldn't drink.

Schtoobing was also taking potassium in the form of a gel, Stanozolol- a steroid to help boost his kidney function and his appet*ite, Reglan for his upset stomach, and Procrit to increase his red blood cell production ( I added that to his sub-Q fluids).

Try the tuna water thing with Taz- it gave me such a sense of success, seeing him actually enjoy eating something.

Diane

[xrayspex]

We all do that to ourselves....tell ourselves we could have done something different. It is a common theme here. You did what you could. I read your story. I am very sad for you. I know it's hard not be hard on yourself but you must try. I miss my baby too I wasn't there....she died alone. I feel so low, and the pain is perverse enough I think I deserve it. But I don't. I loved her and now she is gone. Today I have shed many tears too. Where I am when it hits I have no control over and sometimes must isolate myself. I know how terrible you feel. May you find your strength and answers in the long days before you. May you find peace in the knowledge somewhere somehow it is highly likely some questions will never be answered and that is simply "the plan" for you. God Bless

[jazmin]

Sweetheart

I know exactly how you feel, I lost my Zack only 4 days ago, and I thank you for the kind words you've given me. Your boy was very handsome, what beautiful green eyes. You got your guy two years before Zack came into my life, I know what you mean when you say 17 years isin't enough, I just can't grasp that Zack is gone from my life 15 years seems so short. But know that you did everything you could for your boy and he knew that you love him even at the end, just know that he's in peace now and able to be free. I too believe that we become stars, our babies are twinkling down on us now and always will be. I am sorry for your loss, and send you my love.

xxJazmin

[Precious' mom]

Diane,
I am so sorry for your loss. 17 years is a long time for a cat to live; my Precious was aged 19 years 3 days when he died this past August. I too shared so many life-events with him and he was there for me when my mum died two and a half years ago. Now he is gone...but only physically. He's still with me in ash form but also in presence. He hasn't left me and I'm certain he never will.
All of those wonderful memories you shared will be more precious in the years to come. Think how much happiness he brought you! You were his world, his mum, and he loved you very much. Be thankful he isn't suffering or in pain anymore.
Your baby looks so much like my new adopted baby Patches! They could be brothers!
Praying for you,
Lisa

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[5catsmom]

Diane,
Your grief is still in it's early stages, really. It seems like it's been longer, cause of all the emotions you've been through - they really take so much energy. Feeling the roller-coaster of emotions is normal, and no time is ever long enough to share with a beloved one. It would be nice if we could have a date on which we'd say "It will stop being so agonizing today", but it never works like that. I lost Magic shortly before Christmas last year, so I understand about the not wanting to go out. For me, it only added to the pain, for others, sometimes, it's the best thing for them to get out and back into being around people. Do what your heart tells you, knowing that you will return to society at your pace and when it's right for you.

I had the same dilemma about not wanting to clean up or vacuum around places where Magic had been. In fact, I thought (still do, actually) that I can never move from this house with all these reminders of my lost ones around me. Again, your heart will tell you what to do. In cases like grief, I think, it's such an elemental and in some ways primal emotion, that you can only go by instinct.

You were an amazing and loving mom to Schtoobing, taking such care of his feeding and keeping him with you all that time. I admire and respect that, and I know he does too. You can't have done more than you did, I think. And now, because you cared so much, you have all this grief to suffer through. It sometimes doesn't seem like a fair trade-off, but there's no scorecard anyway. You loved him, you took excellent care of him, and now you're able to reach out to others and tell them what worked for you to help alleviate their pain when dealing with an ill pet. Schtoobing left you a wonderful legacy in that, and your words and continued love and ability to share is proof of that legacy. In that way, he'll never be gone, his spirit guides you to help others. Bless you both for that.

I'm so sorry for your pain and loss. Losses like these change us forever. Please come back and let us know how you're doing, and take care - Barbara

[jazmin]

Diane

I just wanted to come on here and say if I haven't mentioned it that your Schtoobing was very beautiful, what a little cutey.

xxJaz

[Forever Jake]

Diane,

Schtoobing is gorgeous!

Thank you for the advice. You were so good to your baby, and took such good care of him. We are trying the tuna "soup", giving Taz powerade, and I will be talking to the vet today about getting some Rebound--although he has taken a liking to milk. Taz likes the canned food. He was more like Taz last night. It is a day by day thing. We may have to do the same thing with our Bailey. Thank you again.

Sandi

[Taco's Mummy]

Diane,

Your baby was so cute. I love the story about how you got him for Christmas. That's one of the sweetest surprises ever. And he got to go on Alaskan adventures with you. How many cats can say that? You were such a good caretaker, he was so lucky to have you. You did everything you possibly could have for him. I hope you feel a little better about not being able to be with him at the end. There's no way you or anyone could have known that that day was going to be the day. I know that is very sad but think about your last night together with Schtoobing and how you got to hold him and how he knew how very much loved he was. If we get to be that loved before we die, think of how lucky we would be. My heart goes out to you.

Sandy

[Schtoobing'sMom]

Thank you all for the comfort and the kind words about Schtoobing. It' so nice to find a place where people 'get it' and don't think I'm crazy for doting on my baby like I did. You guys have been such a godsend.

I've decided that I feel ok about talking to Schtoob whenever I feel like it. I had a special silly voice I used with him, and he always knew that was 'his'- he would perk up and look at me like he totally understood what I was saying. I also would make up little songs and nicknames for him. It makes me feel better to think that he's still around and can hear me. I tell him how much I love and miss him, and that I didn't want him to go yet, and I hope he's doing ok. I still haven't gotten his ashes back from the vet's yet, and it's been 9 days since he died.

Sandi- I'm glad Taz is feeling a little better! Your babies are so lucky to have such devoted parents...