Muffin Nicky... Lost Without Him.., Dealing with death... Options

[Elisha]

hi all

have been scouring the internet for advice on how to stop this pain in my heart and my tears for my little baby.

The main thing is my brain continuing to say "what if" and "if only" that is driving me crazy.

Nicky only turned 2 on the 6th October, 2006. Initially when we first bought him home he was an indoor only cat. When we purchased our own home in 2005 the first thing we did was build a cat enclosure, i have attached the photo of the look on his face (excitement) that he had with the first day out in it... He seemed happy with this new enclosure for around 6 months when we noticed that he never wanted to come inside, and when he was inside he would wreak havok so we saved up and spent another $1000 au to build a tunnel that went to the cat enclosure. It finally seemd that we had found the solution!

But alas, 6 months later, he managed to excape the enclosure. He came home, unhurt, but was never satisifed with loosing his independance again. This resulted in the usual bad behaviour of trying to pull down blinds etc and a general bad mood telling us that if he couldnt be free, he couldnt be happy.

So then we trialed him going outside, at first for a few hours just after work, say between 5 and 7. This worked for a few days, then he didnt come back at 7... i suppose its the old saying, give em and inch and they want a mile.

So anyway, we ended up cutting a hole in the cat netting, and gave him his freedom. He was soooo happy. In fact, so much so, that he stayed inside with us 80% of the time. He would come to bed when we went to bed and would wake when we did, as that was his habit. We thought we had finally found the solution.

That was, untill Wednesday night, the 25th when he did not come home. Thursday the 26th the Neighbours a five doors down on the other side of the road came and asked us if we owned a grey cat as it had been hit by a car. We took him to cat hospital straight away. The vet called us with what we thought was good news after she had taken the xrays... his pelvus wasnt broken, and his chest xray was all clear.

We were told to leave him with our local vet overnight, and that hopefully in the morning he would have more feeling in his left leg and the shock would have died down. Friday morning i was all ready with his cat toys waiting for the vet to open at 8am when i get the phone call that he didnt make it through the night. They said it must have been a bleed in the brain, and the vet said he did not even expect it. My partner and i are devestated. He isnt there any more. He isnt coming home.

I thought perhaps if i write all this down it may help. I cant help feeling that by giving in to him and making him happy and letting him be free i have caused his death.

wondering if anyone has any words of advice, about how to deal with this. We have not lived in this house without him, and we are so lost...

elisha

Attached image(s)