My Sweet Mariah, Still trying to forgive myself Options

[LittleGirl's...]

Almost ever since I came to this site in March of '04, when I lost my Little Girl, I've wanted to post something about my sweet Mariah, a kitty I lost in '98.
>
I was in an abusive relationship in the mid-90's, and the guy I was seeing had a very young cat named Mariah. My 8-year-old kitty, Little Girl, and I eventually moved in with them. We lived there for 1 1/2 years, during
> which time I found out that the guy was
> abusive---emotionally to me, and he was somewhat physically abusive to Mariah. This thought kills
> me. >
>Little Girl and I moved out > in March of '97, and I took custody of Mariah shortly after that.
> This really upset Little Girl, because Little
> Girl was then 10 and this was the first time she had ever
> been "the only cat"...and here I was, bringing
> Mariah to live with us.....
>
> The 2 cats stayed jealous of each other all the
> time. I don't think they ever accepted or really
> liked each other. So it was
> hard for me to give either one the attention they
> deserved, because there was always one of them whose
> feelings were being hurt! But I gave Little Girl
> more attention than I did Mariah because Little Girl
> was older and I was trying to sooth her because I
> felt she was the one who had been "intruded on" by
> my bringing Mariah home. Plus, I felt I'd have years
> and years and years with Mariah, because Mariah was only 2
> years old at this time, and Little Girl was 10.
>
> In May of '98, Mariah threw up a couple of
> times, and it looked odd. I called the vet, and the
> assistant wasn't concerned, even though I described
> the odd appearance of the vomit. So I put it out of
> my mind. Her appe***e started going downhill. ...In
> June I was scheduled to go on a trip (work-related
> but also fun) for 10 days. My Mom was going to be
> checking in on the cats. I told her that I might not
> even go because Mariah wasn't looking too good...
> Somehow she helped to convince me, and I convinced
> myself, that there was nothing really serious, that
> I should go on my trip as planned (I feel terrible that I didn't take her in for a check-up
> before I left!!!).
>
> By early July, I knew something was going on
> with her health. I made an appointment for Friday,
> July 10th. I had a friend drive us.
>
> The vet was rude to me and treated Mariah like
> an object, and as he examined Mariah he said, "This
> is a very sick animal." ...I started getting
> frantic, asking questions about what was wrong, etc.
> etc. and was bawling my eyes out and wanted it all
> to be a horrible nightmare that I could wake up
> from. That instant, I felt like the worst mother in
> the world, and I knew I would do anything if I could
> only turn back time and get her to the vet sooner so
> that maybe something could be done, and show her
> more love.... I was desperate. He said it was
> probably a tumor and took some blood to be tested
> and we were going to wait in the car while it got
> tested but before we headed for the car he said,
> "This cat will be dead by tomorrow."
>
> I took Mariah out to the car, screaming to my
> friend that he needed to drive us to Norway (the
> town with the vets I used to go to). All the way
> there, I alternated between apologizing to Mariah
> for everything, and screaming, distressed about the vet. Then I couldn't
> believe I was screaming, scaring Mariah even more,
> so I'd try to sooth her, etc. etc.
>
> At the other vet, he examined her and said
> there was no tumor, but that something was
> definitely going on. Blood work showed that it was
> pancrea***is----very serious. The next 3 days were a nightmare, with IV's, etc. etc. .
I finally realized I couldn't save her! I had allowed
> this to happen to her. Everything played back in my
> mind as I told her how sorry I was about everything.
> After about half an hour, the vet led us to a room
> and I cradled her in my arms and said 'Mommy loves
> you' and 'We'll be together again' and I
> let her go. I left the vet's and it was surreal,
> getting into my car and traveling the 45 minutes
> home. I concentrated on the fact that Little Girl
> needed me to arrive safe, so somehow I got myself
> home.
>
> To this day, I haven't been able to forgive
> that first vet for how he treated my baby, and how
> he treated me.
>
> And I haven't been able to quite forgive
> myself for allowing my sweet Mariah to be mistreated
> by my ex, for allowing her to linger in what must have been emotional and
> physical pain, for taking her to that awful doctor
> instead of going to the regular animal hospital
> where I had always gone. (Money and distance were
> factors, and I feel just awful about that!!)
>
> I hope she knows how very sorry I am and how very
> much I love her.
>
> She and Little Girl are together now.
>
> Mariah taught me SO much. Thanks to her, I was able
> to make up for things I had put Little Girl through
> for the first few years of her life. Her last 8 years
> were much better (she lived to be almost 17).
>
I feel at home on this site, and I just wanted to share Mariah's story.

***edited to add lil' Mariah's picture***

This post has been edited by Muffins: Oct 5 2006, 02:38 PM

Attached image(s)

 

[Daisy's Mommy]

Safe in God's hands, she knows, loves and forgives you everything. You left an abusive relationship yourself - not an easy thing, took the abuser's cat - not an easy thing and tried to balance the care of an older and younger cat -not an easy thing. None of them easy, all of them good, and strong and brave

Did you make some mistakes? I don't know. Don't we all? If you did, it doesn't negate all the positive that you did. In retrospect everything is clear.


Best wishes to a wonderful mommy to two furbabies.

Daisy's Mommy

[5catsmom]

I have to echo Daisy's Mommy's words. There are things that happen in our life with our pets, our kids, our parents, all of our loved ones, that if we could only turn back time, we'd change to make better. That being impossible, we learn from our experiences, and we try to make a difference somehow. The learning, and the making the difference, are the most important parts, seeing as how time can't go back and we can't undo what's happened in the past.

Mariah and Little Girl are at peace now, and who knows how many others you've changed by these experiences through your life by what happened back then? The one thing almost all of our pets have in common is a forgiving and loving element to them, which is why they make such a difference in our lives.

Thank you for sharing your story. Every time I come here I learn or discover something new, and while sometimes it's hard to read or hear, it never fails to move me. Thank you again - Barbara